Wedding woes

Congratulations on your daughter's upcoming wedding!

Regardless of who foots the bill, in my 'universe', it's the bride & groom (not the parents) who decide how big a wedding and how many guests they can afford to invite.

The size of the guest list is usually governed by the size of a budget that has to cover all the other wedding expenses.

Say they decide to invite 250 guests. Divide that number by two and each side would be allowed to invite 125 friends/family.

Bride or Groom (at their own discretion) usually share a portion of their allotment with their parents. Usually 10% for each set of parents, depending on the size of the guest list. This is so Mum and Dad can reasonably invite some of their friends that aren't family. Ideally, if the guest list totals 250, each set of parents would be allowed 25 guests...... or approx. 10 to 12 invitations.

Either side can always 'donate' guest slots should they end up with more than they need.

I do hope this helps

I am from a very wide extended family. There were 100 guests at my wedding which comprised of 6 of DH's relations and 4 of his friends. The remainder were my family, a few family friends, some people who worked for my father (I'd known them all my life and they were like extended family) and a group of my friends who had at that time become DH's friends too. No one minded. DH's father and grandfather were in poor health and could not accept the invitation. Everyone had a great time so no problems with the guest list.

For my wedding we had hundreds of relations on each side and, traditionally, we invited them all and my DPs paid for the reception. OH and I organised everything, with no help offered, to the point that I was completely overwhelmed by it all. I invited a few of our close friends too but would not have dreamed, or been asked, to invite any of DPs friends to the reception, although one or two did attend the church ceremony (plenty of room in the churches then for passers-by to sit in). And even though we arranged it all, it wasn't my type of wedding (small ceremony and a takeaway would have been mine) and I have very few happy memories of the day. Do help them as much as they want/need, but let them do what they want so they have a lifetime of wonderful memories.

Weddings!

A friend was initially upset by the wedding plans because her only child married someone with 11 siblings, so with their spouses, children, aunts, uncles, etc, that side of the wedding party made up a HUGE proportion of the guests. No suggestion at all that the numbers might be ‘evened up’ a bit. My friend paid for everything, and decided to just let the happy couple do what they wanted.

On the plus side, her only child has been welcomed into a large and welcoming family of siblings, cousins, etc.

They had a large (ish) post wedding party, at Christmas, in their home later on for people who didn’t go to the wedding. It worked very well.

Do hope that all goes well for you. ?

I m with the poster that said what is it with these big weddings
I think to be in a state of flux two years before just because you ve got to have a popular venue is totally beyond the pale and why should they have a traditional wedding because you want it that way Arwen it’s not your wedding you had your go
My parents paid for my wedding (very unpretentious) because I was young (20) and only just started out in work My own children were all in their late twenties and been earning for years and lived with their partners so it was up to them to organise and pay for their own (I was a single parent)I gave them a present of small amount of money
It was their day not mine I didn’t expect to have any input or any of my friends invited I gave my youngest daughter away on her request that was scary ( I don’t do speeches)
It s all so superfluous and materialistic now If I was a young person nowadays I have the smallest wedding I could manage possibly somewhere warm ....all these expectations are tearing families apart and why pay £20,000 or more just for ONE day I just don’t get it
Anyway I hope you can all calm down and be a bit less involved and have a lovely day in two years time

people my mother insisted on inviting to our wedding, edited highlights:

- her hairdresser’s entire family including her mum

- her friend she had disowned fifteen years prior

- a grandmother who had disowned me

- an uncle who had disowned my father

- a friend of my grandmother whose surname was not even known to my grandmother and who subsequently turned out to have died but granny had not mentioned this

- her nail technician

- the practice manager of her GP surgery

- an aunt who had disowned her and subsequently disinherited her

people my MIL insisted on inviting to our wedding, edited highlights:

- a relation by marriage who (unaware of our distant family ties) had threatened me to my face with violence at my workplace including finding out where I lived and firebombing my home, and who had been warned by the police to have no contact with me

- the son of the above who would “probably” be out on parole by the date of the wedding

- a great aunt who was at that time sectioned under the Mental Health Act

- various aunts and uncles who had been informed by her I was a “whore” and refused to even look at me all day as a result

- four priests, none of whom were the celebrant

- her hairdresser

- a person from her church group who had been expelled from the church group due to allegations he had molested children, which she stated were “lies”

This, dear friends, is why the bride and groom get final say on the guest list....

I would tread very carefully here, as if you hurt or offend your DD and her fiancé it may completely ruin your further relationship with them.

These days most young people plan their wedding themselves, and it has probably never occurred to them that you felt family friends should be invited.

You could mention to DD that so-and-so will be very disappointed at not being invited, but that is really all you can do.

I would try to accept the situation gracefully, so as not to jeopardise your future relationship with the young couple and any GC who might come along.

There's nothing like a wedding to bring out this sort of behaviour. What should be a joyous day can cause so much angst, who to invite being the main cause of annoyance. If I were you I think I'd just grit my teeth but perhaps make a polite suggestion such as, 'I'd like to invite Uncle Fred and Auntie Wilma' or whatever. I understand your unhappiness but do you really want to cause a ruckuss?

I did ask my DD if we could add a cousin of mine to her wedding invite list who she did not really know..it was really to represent my mum's side of the family at the wedding who all lived a distance. She was perfectly happy for that and said that if there were other people I wanted to just invite them. As it happened her aunts & uncles on her dad's side chose not to come (they are quite elderly) I could have asked a great number but it was their day and they wanted her friends and close family.. & quite right too!

We divided the bills according to how many guests each family invited, except for the church which was halved.

I don't think it's expected that if you have a daughter one day you will pay for a wedding any more, is it?! Neither my sister or me ever got married so my Dad got away with no wedding costs and my daughter earned more than any of us before she was 25 so there was never any expectation on her part for me to pay anything - she would have been appalled at the very idea ?

the trend for the bride and groom to issue the invites is now a common one and one that you just have to go with! I can't say this loudly enough IT'S THEIR WEDDING! You are supporting them by helping to pay for it (presumably as you have a daughter you knew this would happen one day??) so just back off and button it. You'll enjoy the day far more if you don't stress about it!

I still don't understand the obsession with big weddings.
The money that our son and his wife saved went into a deposit on the house and they didn't have any arguments about who to invite. Admittedly, I would have liked a slightly more prepared wedding, but I will always remember it!

Re the invites:

It has always been the tradition, and is still considered the correct etiquette, for the invitation to be issued in the name of those hosting the reception, ie the ones who are paying for the wedding.

This was once commonly the bride’s parents and therefore the invitation was issued in their name.

Currently, most couples foot the bill themselves and therefore issue the invite in their own names as they are the hosts.

Leaving OP’s specific issues aside, if the bride’s parents do not pay, there is nothing “traditional” or “correct” in their being indicated on the invites to be the hosts of the reception.

Disclaimer: we paid for all of ours and I personally met most of that cost. Had this exact fight with my own parents whose contribution was zero but actively inflated costs.

I think that weddings can be very tricky these days - so many expectations of all concerned. Is the reason that you feel that the groom's family is getting "priority" is that the immediate family is bigger?

I am seeing similar problems occuring in a young relative's wedding that is currently being planned. There is no easy way out of it. The groom in this case simply has more close relatives as he is one of 6 children while the bride is one of 2. They already have more than 100 on the guest list,

Do you want both sides to be allocated the same number of tickets like a football match? I can see this might be considered "fair" - but on the other side it could lead to your side inviting distant relatives/vague family friends whereas the other side cannot include all siblings with families. These days most couples would want to prioritise their own friends rather than their parents' friends who they rarely see.

I think fewer couples send out "traditional" invites in parents' names these days - especially when the couple has lived independently and done most of the wedding planning. Why does this upset you?

It is not an easy task - but I would be wary of starting a family rift over a wedding.

We have a massive family; we don't have a family tree, we have a forest! SIL has a very small family. When DD got married, they could only have 30 people to the Registry Office so had agreed they would invite 15 each which meant that my daughter could only invite her parents, step-parents and siblings. She was fine with that but her husband to be was torn between not having his friends because it wasn't "fair" on his bride not to have hers and not wanting to give up any of his invites because it wouldn't be "fair" on him.
They came round to discuss it with us as they knew we just wanted them to have what they wanted but I can remember saying to them (as we did the circular argument for the umpteenth time) if you can't work through this without such arguments, are you sure you should be getting married? Quite frankly I gave the marriage 6 months!
May I suggest that you congratulate the young couple in finding a way through the very precarious journey to get their perfect wedding.

A lot of people here saying that it’s their wedding, perhaps if that’s the view, they should pay for it in its entirety themselves, and then they could do exactly as they like, and no one could complain.

I have an illustration of that precise point as a few years ago my dh and I were asked to our dil's 'big' birthday at our son's house. We were told that we would be going out at some point, so I assumed it would be for a country walk as they don't do big parties, and wore a plain winter dress and boots and my big coat. I did have my hair done. I knew that her parents would be there and possibly her brother and family. I made some salads as my contribution and picked up a little bouquet, a bottle of champagne and a balloon to give our dil. Her mum made a birthday cake. Her brother had illness in the family, so it was just two sets of parents who arrived. We were all having a chat when they suddenly said they had an announcement to make. I was overjoyed at the thought of their engagement and then our son said ' we're getting married '- pause-' at two o'clock today!'
My dh had to scrape me up off the floor, but we absolutely had to go along with it. They had decided against a big wedding, and although in many respects it was strange, it was wonderful as well. A colleague of mine said later that she had two sons, and that if they did that she would 'kill' them. But it was their day, their decisions. My only regret is that we didn't get very good photos as we were still in shock, but even that didn't disturb our son and dil.

To make clear * 'offer anything outlandish' in the way of huge sums of money when my children got married.

weddings are often booked two years in advance because that’s the only way the bride and groom can ensure their venue is, or may be, available. It’s also become the norm for their parents to say at an early stage whether and how much they’ll contribute. As a parent of three daughters, I’m relieved it’s no longer expected the brides family pay for and organise it all.
All the young couples I know marry in their thirties, they’ve lived together because the first priority is getting on the housing ladder.

I'm so glad that I didn't ooen my mouth to offer anything outlandish.
Weddings are...well, overrated. Thousands of £££s, often 10s of thousands and all to celebrate a union that was (in all probability) consumated years before and has already produced issue.
Reading many posts here, it seems that multiple marriages are more normal 2/3/4...why? Do the vows mean so little that one can repeat them ad infinitum?
Back to the OPs question, I think that having freely given so much money (and well ahead of time) that she will just have to bite the bullet as far as invites go. A shame and I don't agree with cousins of distant cousins being on the list to the exclusion of the OPs friends but unfortunately, it's a lesson learned, if nothing else.
I hope they are still together in 2020 otherwise it's a waste of money.

Its going to be very difficult not to say anything at all for 2 years! Its apparent your idea of your daughters wedding is not hers but with so much time beforehand could you sit down and talk to her about your feelings in a calm straightforward way. You are asking for two friends who have known her since childhood to see her married it seems little to ask. I agree with just sticking with what you really want. Word of warning you may find the next thing is she doesn't want Dad to give her away as she is a grown up adult woman! this follows on from doing their own invitations by the way. Good luck.

Why worry about it is it that important...just enjoy their day as they want it.

When I skim read the title, I thought this was about wedding shoes...

Good advice, ChaosInc Bite your lip and go with their choices rather than risk a rift which could last years. Best of luck

It seems a little strange to have given the money so far in advance of the wedding but by doing so you have given them the means to have the wedding that they want.
I notice that you mentioned * when we look at venues and when we ....* why not just step back and save yourself the grief.