Wedding woes

I can understand arwen. When family is small friends, particularly long standing friends, take their place.

We had a similar but different experience. A huge family and a tiny one. The ceremony and meal was full of brides parents work colleagues as well as family. The evening guests were all the brides choice. The difference was we could invite everyone important to us so although we felt seriously outnumbered and to be honest overlooked there was no resentment. I know I’d have felt unhappy if we hadn’t been able to have those who had known our family since childhood with us.

Perhaps your daughter will be able to see your viewpoint if you can chat unemotionally and when you are both relaxed. If not then just smile and keep quiet, don’t let this spoil either your relationship or your enjoyment of the day.

Pick your battles Arwen250 Talk to your daughter about the friend or relative you particularly want to invite then leave them to it,
Be careful things don't escalate as wedding planning is stressful all round, I agree with other posters that your monetary contribution should be without strings.
pensionpat how I agree with you.

I think the best thing to do considering how early a stage plans are at is for you to reconsider the size of your contribution to the wedding.

Right now you feel you are paying for a wedding and not getting what you want, and I fear this will only lead to yet more conflict.

It will be easier for both you and DD if she pays and makes the decisions.

From a potential guests view, if I weren't invited to a wedding these days, I would think Phew!

It sounds to me that your daughter dislikes your side of the family in general which is a shame, like you I would be quite upset by this petulant attitude.
If I really wanted just 2 couples who are friends to come to the wedding it would be unreasonable for her to refuse.

arwen , I do sympathise with your feelings, as I struggled when DD's wedding was organised.
My daughter was very inclusive about sharing and discussing plans, and it does sound as though your daughter is also keeping you firmly in the loop even at this early stage.
What came as a shock was that - in this day and age - it is the young couple who call the shots. Very different to my day, when my mother made all the wedding decisions ("we are paying dear, so its my right!") and had a handful of our own friends there, against literally dozens of parental friends and distant family; there were people at my wedding that I had never met before!

Despite the inclusivity of planning, there was no question that the guest list was non-negotiable. The only friend allowed was her godmother. Cousins of mine were actually left out in favour of friends of the couple.
I have never had to keep my lip more firmly buttoned.....because there is no point in causing an argument that is likely to affect relationships ever after.
Contributing to the costs doesn't buy controlling rights, and we just have to live with it.

What I would say is that not making a fuss can pay dividends. Have a quiet word with your daughter to ask if x & y could attend if there are declined invitations. Set the seed of being fully supportive of their choices, and they are much more likely to be considerate of your input further down the line.
No wedding choices are worth a family rift.

Surely gifts are freely given. However, if they are friends who are friends of the family and have known your daughter all her life or a long part of it, it would be courteous to invite them to the wedding.

I was quite shaken when my future mother-in-law invited some work colleagues to our wedding when neither my soon-to-be husband or I even knew their names and had certainly never met them. That was particularly difficult too because the Registrar's Office was quite limited for space and I come from a huge family, some members of which had to be left out until the reception.

I think you just have to let it go or it will spoil the day. It may not be what you would choose but just go with the flow.

Our wedding was made up almost exclusively of my side of the family. We had only invited family and very close friends as I have a HUGE extended family (24 aunts and uncles and 46 first cousins, plus some cousins are married and have children). We invited our immediate families and our parents' siblings and our first cousins, plus we had three or four couples who had seen me grow up and Hubby had his godparents and their family, plus another couple who are friends of ours (the husband was one of Hubby's groomsmen). None of Hubby's family could come as they live in the UK and we were married in Canada. We still had a blast. We didn't have "sides" of the aisle - people just sat wherever. During our reception we greeted our guests as a couple.

Frankly, I think your aunt would be too distant of a relative to invite. I know that's how I felt as a bride. At the end of the day, this is THEIR wedding. Not yours.

Sorry for banging on but I can’t sleep as it’s going round and round in my head. First off I thank you all for your comments and I have taken on board what you all have to say. As some have you have mentioned about it being too soon to invite people, I agree it is but we need to know a rough ballpark figure for when we look at venues and as popular places get booked up years in advance we are looking now to see what’s on offer. I must add here that the mother of the groom is not interested in any of the wedding plans. As I have previously mentioned they have a large family whereas ours is small, and I would think the fairest thing would be the allocation of numbers to each side plus friends of the couple. However, I have been told that the ‘other side’ for want of a better phrase will get the main portion because of their kin. I must just add that my niece and two nephews will be getting invitations but my daughter hopes they will decline because she doesn’t like them. She has also told me she has allocated me invites for two couples she has picked out for me, these being my best friend who happens to be her godmother who we know won’t attend because they live too far away and the other couple are the parents of one of her friends who we are not close too, I meet up with the mother once in a while for a coffee and a catch up. Also when I asked if the mil would be asking to invite her friends I was told she could do that if she paid for them. Atm there has been no mention of them chipping in for the wedding which I’m fine with. When I asked my daughter if she had put my aunty who I am very close to on the list, she said no but she would consider her for an evening invite. The friends I would like to ask are two couples who have seen my dd grow and who she is very familiar with, it’s not like I’m asking all and sundry. Still I suppose I must put up and shut up. Rant over, maybe I can get some sleep now?

Why would you expect to invite your friends to your DD's wedding ? Weddings are for the bride and groom, not for the parents to party with their own friends.

Let it go - and stop thinking that just because you've given them money, that they should now allow you to invite all your friends along.

I paid for my DD's wedding completely, but I didn't expect to invite my own friends to it - it wasn't my wedding . I suggest that you do the same or you'll end up looking very petty and demanding. Don't spoil things for your DD - you've had your wedding years ago, now let her have hers.

When my Dd got married we helped out financially, although I have no idea what the total cost of the wedding was.

Her dh has a massive family, (sixteen aunts & uncles, cousins without number!) whereas we don't, so my dd & groom split the invitation list three ways; one third of invitations for the bride's side, one third for the groom's side and one third for joint bride & groom guests.

They stipulated no horse trading, either. If any side couldn't fill their quota, it couldn't be reallocated to anyone else's side. It all worked out pretty well.

Oh the worries of these very expensive weddings these days

I was very lucky all my kids were established and working and paid for and arranged their own weddings I just bought some clothes and turned up

Sorry, Arwen not Arven.

To expect the numbers to be 'evened up' by inviting your friends seems wrong to me, Arven. How would you feel if yours was the larger family - would you want the in-laws-to-be to have their friends coming along?
Our daughter married a few years ago, she and her fiancé drew up the guest list, sent out invites and received the replies. That's how it seems to be done these days. My husband and I wouldn't have wanted to impose our wishes on them, it wasn't our wedding. It was irrelevant that we were paying for it.

Margaret It is strange but true, nowadays some popular venues get booked up years in advance. When my DS announced his engagement, I assumed the wedding would be soon but there was an 18 month build up at least and even then they had to take a cancellation.

They'll be sending out save the date cards so guests can book time off work if necessary or work it round holidays etc.Most couples send these out a year in advance .My daughters first husbands family was massive ,we have less than 40 including mine and my OH's sisters and their partners .The close family of my ex SIL was more than double ours .We paid for everything ,it wasn't with strings it wasn't OUR day .We paid for our daughter to have the wedding she wanted .End of.I certainly wouldn't have expected her to invite friends of ours ,why should she ?

Margaret I assume they are working on a draft invite list to figure out the numbers of guests, as that will affect their choice of venue (capacity issue) and also the cost (since catering will be per head).

The actual formal invitations should be issued six to eight weeks before the wedding, no sooner.

Is 2010 the correct date? It seems far too early to be inviting people who knows who is still together in over a year's time. If they want to get married then they should do it but not take 2 years planning it. Its bound to be a let down after all that time and all the people who have been upset because not invited, have to carry this hurt with them until the dreaded ceremony is over and done with.
I understand the couple have made their plans but its too early for invitations and for paying for it.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, the bride and groom are being thoughtless and selfish for not realising their plans for the invite list may ruffle a few feathers and that the as the bride's family are paying the bulk of the costs, even though the bride and groom will stick to their choices for the invite list, the whole thing could have been handled with more tact and thought for other people's feelings.

Few things for you to ponder:

- Is your expectation that ‘your side’ should make up more or less 50% of the invite list?

- Did you expect the invitation to come from you because you are paying more than half/most of the cost? Would you have expected to be listed as the hosts if you had made a small/no contribution?

- what would your expectations around ‘your input’ look like if you were making no financial contribution to the wedding at all?

- It’s around two years until the wedding. How would DD and partner finance the shortfall if you withdrew your offer of funding at this point? Would they cancel and rebook for a smaller affair, perhaps abroad or a planned elopement?

Yes, I would feel very put out if I had paid - my DD and SIL invited people to their tiny but beautiful wedding themselves (they wanted no costs incurred by any guests so all were told no gifts and overnight accommodation at the venue was paid for) but as they paid for everything themselves that was completely right. If I was paying I would want input - your family will be totally outnumbered, I think it will feel awkward for you. If they were paying themselves then obviously they could do as they pleased. I have never been married and know nothing of the traditions but that's just how it feels to me.

Surely the guest list should be drawn up by the bride and groom and would usually include their family and friends.
Why on earth would you expect a number of strangers (to them), be invited to celebrate their wedding?
You were very generous to offer a substantial sum to help pay for their wedding but it’s not your wedding, so I think it should be a gift with no strings attached.
Must admit, I’m someone who finds big weddings a dreadful waste of money, but they’re still very popular here in Ireland.

Arwen250 FWIW I think you have to move away from 'the traditional'. Most couples live together before the wedding these days and most will organise their wedding in the way they want it and not how mum wants it. Perhaps wanting to invite your friends (in her mind) is turning it into YOUR day rather than HER day? Just a point.

Personally I would just let them get on with it in any way they choose. You do seem to have given money upfront rather early or is that how its done? I don't know because all mine did their own thing and I just asked where and when ha ha.

What am getting at is I really don't think you should interfere with the arrangements in any way....her day..her way. Just relax and enjoy!

You don't say what kind of ceremony it is, civil or church wedding, it's not unreasonable to ask for a few close friends to be invited, especially if it is going to be a large church ceremony. There certainly were friends of the parents at the last wedding I went to, you are the brides mother and you should have a say.
Go back to your daughter, give her a list of who you want invited and point out who's paying, you are being taken for granted!.