Gransnet forums


AIBU to want DD to keep home equity we gave her

(71 Posts)
fionajk42 Wed 12-Sep-18 19:06:12

After 5 years of marriage, DD & SIL are separating. We gave them £60k for deposit on their house, which they are now selling to split the proceeds. My view is that DD should get back the £60k, and that any other money left after mortgage repayment should be split 50:50. SIL's parents are telling him he should get 50% of total left after mortgage repayment, i.e. he will get £30k of the equity, even though he/they did not contribute anything to the deposit. At the time of their marriage I had said we should write it into trust for DD, but I was overruled. The money came from the sale of our old house, so we have no means to give DD any further money. Is there a way to ensure DD gets full deposit back, or do we just have to kiss this money goodbye?

4allweknow Sun 16-Sep-18 17:37:19

Gave DS and his fiancee deposit for house as a wedding present. Fortunately they split before wedding (4 months). House was bought in joint names but as the money was a wedding present and wedding didn't take place was refunded money on sale of house. Luckily they had a six month wait from saying they would buy house and actual sale being completed and value had increased to cover costs and return of "wedding gift. Had they married would not have been reimbursed unless both parties agreed which was unlikely as turned out fiancee was a money grabber. Don't think you will see any of your money unless SIL agrees you should.

Struggling2do1 Mon 24-Sep-18 16:27:00

We provided a substantial amount for our DD & her partner to enable them to buy their first house. He put in nothing but when the relationship ended he happily walked away with half of the money. The child allowance was also paid into his account. My DD did not notice the loss for over a year, when challenged he even refused to pay this back. He had a nice new motor bike though! Money turns people into monsters, having said that he was a monster right from the get go! Sadly your money is unlikely to be repaid.

mymadeupname Mon 01-Oct-18 00:21:56

We gave our son the deposit on his house. He married 4 years later. They separated 6 years later. She walked away with all the equity of the house he had bought as a single man, with the seeming agreement of our son. I think he felt guilty because it appears the separation was driven mainly by him.

I've just had to bite my tongue. We are not well off ourselves and would never have given him the deposit if we'd thought for a minute it would end like this. He's renting while he saves for another deposit. I'm counting our pennies, worried that we don't have enough savings for our old age.

Starlady Mon 01-Oct-18 09:47:25

"My view is..."

"SILs parents are telling him..."

Thing is, it doesn't really matter what anyone's opinion is. It's up to the court and the laws.

I'm not sure why either you or sil's parents are telling them anything. Are they very young? No matter, if they're adults, then they need to figure this out themselves or with the help of the court.

I know you feel you have a vested interest here because you and dh gave them the deposit. But I agree with those pps who say the key words here are "gave" and "them." It's the same as if you gave them money to place in a joint account. If they split up, half of the money would be his.

Also, I know you would like dd to have the deposit money. Of course you do. Just as his parents want him to get half of it. You each want what's best for your own child. Imo, it's not about what's "moral' or not, it's emotional. Which is why we need laws to decide these things and solicitors to help us with legal matters, not parents.

I think you're confusing dd with yourself. You and dh gave the money, not dd. Even if it was a loan, it would be owed to you and dh, not dd. Surely, if it was repaid to you, you would probably then give it to her. But it isn't "hers" just because her parents gave it. She is a separate person from you. I think both you and sil's parents are losing sight of the fact that your "children" are independent adults.

Still, it hurts to see half that money go to sil, now that he and dd are separating. I get it. But once you gave that money, it was no longer yours and you have no say over what happens to it.

How does dd feel about this? Does she want the full deposit? If so, then she (not you) needs to see a solicitor about it. If not, then, that's that.

Please be careful about getting too involved in this. If they reconcile, any interference could come back to bite you.

Starlady Mon 01-Oct-18 09:56:11

Mymadeupname, you said, "I'm counting our pennies, worried that we don't have enough savings for our old age."

Wouldn't that be true even if ds had gotten the deposit or still had the house? It's really not because of how his marriage ended or what xdil "walked away" with.

I feel for you though. Have you and dh thought about seeing a financial advisor? Maybe they could help you find a comfortable way to stretch out your money.

mymadeupname Mon 01-Oct-18 10:10:41

That's true, Starlady, but I would be less concerned about his future if he still had his own roof over his head. Then I'd have fewer qualms about taking equity release sometime in the future which is something we might have to consider.

fionajk42 Tue 02-Apr-19 19:11:54

An addendum on how this has ended up. DD was told today that she will be getting £45K from the proceeds of the sale of the house, (soon to-be former) SIL also getting £45K. DD and GD have now moved into a rented flat as £45K insufficient for deposit in London.
DH now wishes he had listened to me when I wanted to put the original £60K in trust.

Jalima1108 Tue 02-Apr-19 19:51:51

Oh dear, I am sorry that it has ended like that fionajk.
Did he pay the mortgage or did your DD - or was it split?

It is a salutary lesson for us all - as DH always says, once you have given something, whether gift or money, it is up to the person(s) what happens to it.

Tangerine Tue 02-Apr-19 20:21:55

I think you could perhaps ask a Solicitor but I also think it's unlikely you will be successful.

I suppose how you feel depends also on how SIL has behaved in general terms - financially and how he's treated your daughter.

Has he paid the lion's share of bills and mortgage?

Hope you can get things sorted out.

Iam64 Tue 02-Apr-19 20:47:02

When I divorced in the late 70's, I took a couple of thousands more out of the equity than my child's father did. It was agreed as part of the settlement. I didn't want any money for myself, I was relieved to be out of an unhappy 11 year marriage. The slightly higher profit from the house recognised that as 'final settlement'.

. Unmarried mothers even after long relationships are in a much more tenuous position. A young woman I know was asked to leave the house she shared with father of her 5 year old for 10 years. None of the utility bills or mortgage had her name on them, all in his name. she got nothing. He "gave" her £20,000 as deposit but of course, that wasn't enough. Unmarried women/mothers in her situation aren't entitled to any maintenance for themselves. this young woman gave up a promising career when their child was born. the young father involved is wealthy and pays £75 a week for maintenance for his child. Grrr.

Immmmmmmmbackkkkkkkkkkkk Thu 04-Apr-19 19:19:53

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Gonegirl Thu 04-Apr-19 19:33:10

It's quite a worrying thought though isn't it (OP). Can you ever be sure someone else's marriage is going to be forever? I guess you just have to have faith.

(ignoring the littlies

Gonegirl Thu 04-Apr-19 19:33:32


NanKate Thu 04-Apr-19 19:35:05

My son provided all the money for his house when he got married including £30,000 his Nan had left him. On his divorce his wife has got half of everything including the money left to him. It’s unfair, upsetting, especially as she is the one who has committed adultery, but there is nothing my DS can do about it.

petra Thu 04-Apr-19 20:24:22

You have my sympathy.
We lost £30,000 in the same situation (house deposit, marriage breakdown)
And, exactly like you I was over ruled when wanting a legal agreement.
Sorry to say but you just have to swallow it sad

quizqueen Thu 04-Apr-19 20:39:42

Your second sentence said, 'We gave them......'. You have only yourselves to blame that your gift towards the deposit wasn't legally ring fenced just for your daughter in the housing contract.

Did she also pay equal portions of the mortgage and other bills during their time together? If they had been together longer and had children and she had been a SAHM for years before the split, would you think she should be entitled to half, even though he had paid the bills for the majority of the time?

jenpax Thu 04-Apr-19 21:17:52

How I wish people would take legal advice before giving money away and not assume all will be well or that the law is “fair” or that other people will act decently! So often not the case. Anything financial from gifts to wills needs proper legal advice, don’t let the emotions of family ties blind you to this!!

patcaf Fri 05-Apr-19 17:48:49

Unfortunately that is how the law stands. We were in the same situation when our DD split from her husband and there was nothing we could do about it without going to court. Add that to the thousands we spent in legal fees over the grandchildren and it was a very expensive divorce.
She now has a new partner and we have made sure that the money we have provided for a home will come back to her in the event of a split.

Seajaye Mon 22-Apr-19 18:16:02

It's probably too late for OP . Although most lenders insist on a statement of ' gift' on the mortgage application , if the money wasn't an outright gift to you daughter, then you just might be able to argue you have an equitable interest in the property provided you have evidence that you intended to have a interest in the property.

Usually this will be in the from of deed of trust drawn up. It's usually too late to have it drawn up after the event as there's no incentive on the partner to sign up to the trust. The deed can still be done at the time of purchase even if the couple have a mortgage, but your interest would only be in the equity after the mortgage has been paid off. Don't forget that any 'gain' you might otherwise make on your stake may be taxable, even if you want to give it straight back to your daughter. Consult a solicitor at the time before a lot of money is gifted is the best advice especially if bank if mum and dad is stretched..

phoenix Mon 22-Apr-19 18:40:49

fionajk42 If you have evidence of the payment you made for the deposit, it might carry some weight if a judge was involved, as mentioned in previous posts.