AIBU for being angry?

Impossibleblonde thank you for sorting out the name issue.

Wrt your situation - have you contacted Women's Aid? An abusive relationship does not need to include physical violence as their website makes clear.
www.womensaid.org.uk and www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Please contact them and have a chat. I know two people who have used them and WA have been enormously helpful. Both friends' lives have since changed unrecognisably for the better, with help from WA.

Best wishes to you.

ImpossibleBlonde, I feel so much for you - I have been in a similar marriage (though not as extreme) - both husband and MiL similar to yours, and after a couple of years I thought, I have to get out of this, or I won't be able to - I was lucky.
If it's difficult to see your GP, please email him - you can copy/paste some of what you have written here; I'm sure he/she will be very concerned.

My first thought on the sleeping arrangements would be to get a cot and keep her in it with the sides up and have your own bed back! Seriously you need restorative sleep and you are not getting it which is not helping you cope. As far as I'm aware you can talk to Womens Aid without actually leaving, if you do want to leave they can give you advice on how to do that. Does your husband work? Are you able to use a phone in private? You can tell a doctor at the hospital how you are feeling out of her earshot, just telling someone as you have told us is a start and I feel this is going to be a slow process but each step will give you more strength and determination to get out.

This is appalling! No way should it continue. I agree with the suggestions above from Beejo. Small steps, but your life must change.
Good luck.

Oh ImpossibleBlonde I feel for you, so much
First of all, I'm not surprised that your husband is the way he is when he was, presumably, brought up by this woman.
Just a few thoughts - you say if you leave, you will have no friends - do you have any now who are really there for you and helping your dreadful situation? Likewise for social life etc.
If you can even start to get some life for yourself, you can eventually make proper friends of your own and a social life too - there are plenty of opportunities unless you live in the back of beyond.
But what you need first of all is a rest. Please see your GP as a first step and try to get some respite.
It seems to me that your husband and his mother have managed to convince you that your only worth is through serving them. This is obviously not true - not for anyone - but if you cannot see it, don't blame yourself. You are not getting enough sleep, time for yourself (yes, there is such a thing and you are allowed it!) or support (which we all need, especially in such stressful circumstances).
I don't think anyone would expect you to just walk out, with nowhere to go, but what will happen to your mil if /when you are hospitalised?
Leaving or even changing things is massive, I know, so try to break it down into small steps.
What can you do first? What will help?

How can the OP afford to take a break away if they can't afford a bed for the lounge? Places to stay and travel costs money. I am sure the other family and friends have washed their hands of her MIL.

My suggestion would be that they try to find a single bed for the lounge for the MIL to sleep in and move back to their bedroom with their own TV etc so they have their own space. If the partner won't consider this then at least you know your needs are not very important to him.

Yes, Suedomin you are right, I think you have been programmed by your MIL and her son. Don't take her orders or respond to her rants. She is never going to want to change or move to a Home while you make life so good for her. This reminds me of those programmes you see of very obese people who can't get out of bed but continue to gain weight and you know there must be someone they control in the home who is brings in food for them and we can't understand why they would do that. Control is vey complex.

You don't tell us if you have any social life, are there any clubs or weekly coffee mornings you could attend that would get you out and give you others to talk to. Are you at home 24/7 apart from shopping etc.

I feel for you. Remember you have nothing to be guilty about. They should feel guilty about their behavior and how they are treating you, which they don't.

Dont lose hope ImpBlonde. Your situation is intolerable, but it sounds to me as if you have become locked into an emotionally manipulative relationship, and they are very hard to escape. There is something called covert narcissism which I am very familiar with and it could be that you are dealing with one (or more) covert narcissists. They work on those nearest to them over a long period of time, cutting them off from other friends and family and manipulating them into abusive relationships. Perfectly competent people can be drawn into these, so please dont put yourself down because of your situation. CNs look for the nicest people in the world to manipulate. They have a personality disorder which they themselves cannot control. You can find videos on You Tube explaining the condition. I have personal experience and can vouch for the fact that CNs are charming, clever, apparently caring - at least initially - and work in subtle ways. It can take some time to disentangle yourself from their brainwashing, but just being aware of it and how these things work is an excellent first step.

RUN!!

You say you can't cope with the aftermath of making a statement at the hospital.
When I had my first angina attack I was in a supermarket and couldn't manage to move or speak, so I lay down on the floor assuming help would materialise. It did.
Just a thought.

Oh dear. You are pretty much caught between a rock and a hard place. Afraid i don't have any helpful advice other than to start putting yourself first as and when you can. If you can get her sorted in the morning, leave a lunch for your DH to give her then take off for a few hours. And don't let your husband browbeat you. Good luck.

What a terrible situation to be in - please take a short break, even if just a walk in the park, and think about yourself and your dreadful lifestyle. You need a proper bed, right now, today. This is an essential for anyone, let alone a person with health problems. As MiL is so tiny and light she could sleep on a smaller bed downstairs perhaps. You MUST get help with her - whether she likes it or not you have a right to a life and cannot continue to be a 24/7 support system and carer for her and be bullied by a totally unreasonable partner. I really have never heard such utter nonsense in the 21 century - what does he think is going on in the surgery? He must have some kind of paranoia to have such thoughts about a medical professional - and you!
This won't be easy but please start today to change this awful life - 'NO' is a very powerful word and I feel strongly that you should be using it regularly from now on.

You cannot help the way you FEEL as that is regulated by the unconscious parts of the brain / hormones. However anger is a waste of energy. If you could let it die you will have more energy for your recovery.

You can decide what to DO so now is the moment to review your situation and make some choices about your life and the future you want.

Good luck!

I really know how you feel, ImpossibleBlonde, very difficult for you. Good advice given here...but hard for you to implement. Do try to make a start, tell doctor exactly how you feel, do look after yourself, you can't go on like this. You have been strong for others, now you must be strong for yourself.
I have realised that there is another Bam on Gransnet .... I am Bamm. ( I think Bam was with Gransnet before me ).

If you are taking her to hospital today, start to raise her health issues and your own problem and how they are best cared for. The hospital may be able to arrange something for you.

First you have friends, all of us o GN are here for you ad you have taken the first step by coming on GN. So clear your head, quickly for your healths sake, take a deep breath and get help to get away from your bullying partner and mother. You have a life waiting for you. Let us know how you get o.

Suedomin I feel so sorry for you. It seems like this dominating man and his manipulative mother look upon you as their personal slave. You cannot continue like this. They are both very selfish and show little or no gratitude to you, who have virtually put your life on hold for them. Tell your partner it is up to you which gp you see, what right has he to tell you who you can and cannot see? As for his mother, get ss involved again. If she refuses to allow them to get her up, tell her she will have to stay in bed and make it clear that you will no longer be ordered about by her. You are in pain and neither of these awful people seem to care.
I would say just leave, but I agree it is so difficult to walk away. Speak to your gp surgery to see if there are any support groups you can get help from, or do you have any family you can turn to?
You come across as such a caring person, who puts others (who don’t deserve it) first and all you get in return is abuse. Do not allow this to go on because you are afraid she will starve herself if you do not continue being her slave. That would be her choice and, irrespective of what happens to her, it would not be YOUR fault
Please do not allow this bullying to go on, you are worth so much more!

The fact you even need to ask the original question, just shows how downtrodden you are.
You only have one life, don't let two very manipulative people live it for you. You can seek help from a woman's shelter...they often offer services other than just leaving home.

100% agree with MOnica, they both need putting in their place calmly but assertively. How dare they try to control you when you are clearly giving everything you have to a point of dragging you down. Neither of them seem at all concerned about your feelings at all, and MIL betraying your trust is disgusting. You confided in her because altho you are naturally concerned re your own health you were also concerned about upsetting your husband. He needs to get over himself and get a grip, your own health is more important than anything. As for MIL she just sounds a nasty old woman who does not deserve such a caring DIL. Emotional blackmail is tantamount to emotional cruelty, so do not enable them to carry on. Good luck ?

You poor woman you shouldn't be living with your partner he sounds Narcissistic and believe me he will only get worse we are all entitled to go to which doctor we choose and your MIL she's definitely toxic. And for your sake and your health leave the 2 of them to get on with it even if you just have a break for a few days and see how much they will both miss you or if they even do. You deserve a break ?

You have made a start Impossibleblondeby posting and talking here on GN. Take it slowly. You will get there. Next step talk to your doctor. He may arrange counselling and you can talk to someone who can help you to see things clearly.. There are centres I believe where abused people can go to as well. Can anyone confirm this?

You are not being unreasonable. They are - for expecting you to do so much when you are not well yourself. Talk to Age UK to see if there is any help out there for you before it becomes too much. xxxx

Thank you I can't think straight right now. I have to get her ready for a hospital appointment. Yes I know it's an ideal time to gain a voice but I am to worn down to cope with the aftermath of such a statement.

I need a little time to just breathe and collect my thoughts and do things with a clear head not the muddled one that currently sits on my shoulders.

You have got yourself into a downward spiral Impossibleblonde start with one thing at a time and get some help. You sound quite depressed so this would be the place to start. Could you talk to the nurse at your Dr's surgery and get the ball rolling. Your mother in law has her own problems but you are not responsible for these, start looking after yourself and the rest will become easier.

You only get the help that you ask for. If you keep carrying the burden as though you are coping, who is to know that you can't?

Go to your GP, ImpBlonde and tell them just what you said in that post. Add that you can't keep on looking after your mother-in-law any longer with no support from ANYONE and you are thinking of walking out and leaving husband and mother-in-law to look after each other, but you fear for their reaction.