Would you arrive empty handed?

Agreed evianers - how it can sting, but do you think it is because we care about them and we might dismiss rudeness/lack of sensitivity in strangers or acquaintances without being too upset? I have occasionally been close to tears (not often!) at thoughtlessness in family members but then realised I would have brushed it off and soon forgotten it with strangers. We expect more I suppose, and expect those that are close to know us well and realise how we feel - perhaps it's unreasonable!

So sad that these folk are so thoughtless. And just plain rude.
I wouldn't cut them out, but I certainly wouldn't put myself out for them again.

MawBroon I really feel for you and your loss. I think your grief has coloured the situation. Your family did not fit in with how you thought they should behave but one by one the sins were small.

I had typed a blow by blow rationale but I think the above stands.

If they were rude and offhand and talked among themselves while they were with you, that would be really bad and out of order, you haven't said that they did this.

Your post made me smile, anrol, because it reminded me of a friend in Oxford who used to wear a t-shirt that said, on the back, "When all else fails, lower your standards".

MawBroon, it appears to me that what you are suffering is hurt and disappointment in people that you care about. I do hope you can come to terms and forgive their thoughtlessness over time. It's not just our children who sometimes take us for granted. I hope sharing with us has helped in some small way.

I think it's quite rude to leave it so long to reply in the first place, and then not acknowledging your hospitality without the smallest of gifts ( ie ) bunch of flowers or another small gesture is very bad manners in my opinion. It would have been also kind and thoughtful to have brought some flowers for the cemetry, or maybe something that could have been planted ...perhaps some bulbs that would flower in the spring, particularly as this is the first anniversary and bound to be an emotional time for you. Unfortunately there are many people like this these days and sometimes it's the ones we would expect to show more sensitivity are the ones that don't.

A bunch of flower, a bottle of wine, a thank you note are all gestures of the closest people thinking of me in a tangible kind way and caring for me in the smallest possible way they can. It reassures me that I'm respected, appreciated, valued and not taken for granted. This kind of simple gestures may be small but they have a great impact on how I'd feel about them and my relationship with them. I simply don't want anybody around me who is that thoughtless, careless, rude mean and not my kind of people, people I can feel warm and close to develop a meaningful relationship with. I'd feel that person either doesn't know me, doesn't want to know me or knows me but wants to upset me, especially if they behave like that all of a sudden. I get really sad when that happens because I know at that moment my feelings and my relationship with them will be very superficial from then on. No one is desperate for a bunch of flowers, a bottle of wine or any thank you notes yet these small gestures help people like me to be happier in life and our relationships with others. May be, people like me are 'abnormal' but we do exist!

If they were rude and offhand and talked among themselves while they were with you, that would be really bad and out of order, you haven't said that they did

No, no way. It was a friendly loving day (apart from when SIL’s Lakeland tried to “hump” Hattie (ideas above his station )
I think it just was a combination of their leaving their acceptance of my invitation until the day before, (when I was in fact away, at DD’s in London) no flowers for Paw and not even a text or phone call to say thank you.
They are very well brought up professional people with impeccable manners (......usually!)

You are right to feel upset a d pretty disgusted I think. So rude to let you know at the last minute they were coming - but on top of that to arrive empty handed and no flowers for the grave is disgraceful and hurtful. Even if we visit our son or daughter we always take wine as they do when they come to us - family or not just common courtesy.

I suspect, Maw, that had it been any other occasion, these little things would have passed you by - you would have sighed knowingly, and then forgotten. But on that day of all days your emotions would have been raw, bringing any small slight into sharp focus.
I hope the day otherwise was not too upsetting for you. 'Firsts' are always so difficult after a bereavement

Oh Baggs, you have made me laugh! And I realise that's what I usually do. And frankly it's often the path to contentment.
Especially with relatives.

Too true Bathsheba I should be used to the fact they are always late, tend to stay late (?) and Paw and I would have shaken our heads in unison, but there is a principle isn’t there, of basic consideration.
I fear there is an assumption that I will always fill the role of family occasion provider (asPaw was the eldest)
Don’t get me started on the emotional baggage (and dare I say economics) of Christmas, but we (or now the DDs too) always have to include them - so that’s another 4 or 5 adults and contributions of a Christmas cake don’t quite cut it when you are feeding what feels like the 5000 .
But I have a cunning plan worthy of Baldrick.
I am working on the spreadsheet today and I think I shall be emailing them with their contributions

Mawbroon Understandable for your feelings. I am sure as they accepted your invitation to lunch, and they could have declined , a few flowers for you to do with as you wish was the least they could have done. To not contact you the following day if only to say thank you for the lunch was inconsiderate but say the sisters are kind women. Don't dwell on it. It is early days and you are still grieving for Paw and it would help to talk to Bereavement Services which you can find on line. They do not make judgement but assist you in finding your way through the dark days you are still experiencing from your loss of a loved one.

Maggiemaybe.....I wasn't suggesting that Maw or anyone else do. I said I'd do that. So what? It's what I would do, with in-laws, yes. You keep your opinion, and please don't criticise mine. You know absolutely nothing about me (and my in-laws)

Thank you all who have commented.
I am in fact pretty together now, I think the Victorians (and other cultures today) had the right idea about periods of mourning. The full 12 months on, I have turned a corner and last night’s cri de coeur was just that.

MawBroon...I didn't mean to suggest that YOU should cut them out of your life. I would, if it were me, is what I said - and my in-laws are not pleasant nor polite.

Dear Maw. So sorry that you suffered from thoughtless relatives and send you my best wishes.
You have every right to be put out with them
I am thinking of you.
Carole5

I understand your hurt. You feel totally unappreciated. I have a friend who often stays overnight, but comes empty handed, yet I know those on her "A" list get orchids, chocs, wine. It shows lack of respect; its evident too that you are bigger than them and have manners.

I have turned a corner Good to hear that Maw

I am working on the spreadsheet today and I think I shall be emailing them with their contributions

Excellent plan!! Please come on here and let us know how this goes down ???

well it depends on how they were bought up.some families show no remorse or tears or even hugs. maybe the brother who died didnt like flowers.maybe they dont like talking about a departed one...i would feel a little put out but not that much. maybe you are different and like you say you brought flowers for the brother. me ,well flowers are a waste really they die to quick ,some artifical ones are better. but like i said maybe they are not a HUGGY family...but maybe a note to them saying that you enjoyed the visit and maybe they would like to come to tea instead. visiting a grave could be for them very sad ...

I would have said something on the day, but then I'm not very polite! Maybe next year you could set it up differently, and give them a deadline to let you know they're coming? Also, mention specifically "we can take flowers to the grave" or something similar. Sometimes you have to be quite specific with other people about what you expect - otherwise they won't know and will think all was well. (They probably don't realise that you expected them to bring flowers this year).

Moggie I am sure your thoughts are kindly meant but you could not be further from the mark
Allow me to know my DH’s views on flowers (not fake, ever) , to know that we are a very tactile family and generally talk about DH a lot.
I just expected more recognition of the anniversary of a loss which is after all theirs as well as mine)
He was a wonderful big brother to them all, and I am sure they are aware of that.
See my comments about us being expected (and willing!) to host family gatherings, Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc ever since MIL died 20 years ago.

Oh - I have to say it wouldn't occur to me to take something if I was just visiting relatives unless it was a special occasion. Not just to lunch. Maybe our family are more casual.

MawBroon You are under no obligation to fill any role.
You are no longer, and without Paw, a 'was' a 'always have ' a 'providor'.
The sooner others get that message the better for you and you can start by dismissing any ideas you have of spread sheets and emails. What was is now no more and time for others to take on some responsibility and if DD's wish to continue that has to be by choice not an' expectation'.
It is not too late to change ,that too though has to be by choice. Are you ready for that? and ask yourself Is that really what you want? Even with Paw how long would this 'arrangement' have continued.?