Would you arrive empty handed?

MAW Thoughtless actions by your family. You mention they are viewed as 'eccentric' but are they just very 'egocentric'! Hurtful at such an emotional time. Good job there was a "good egg" amongst them xx

You are quite correct.But over the years I have noticed a lot of people avoid graveyards and discussing death,makes them think of their own mortality,maybe they dreaded going and only came to be polite to you,only a thought.
I'm constantly amazed at how people don't phone,write or email after visits.You sound very thoughtful.

I agree with you Maw but I'm afraid that people seem to have forgotten how to say thank you, dare I say, 'these days'. I was brought up to do so but even family members (I'm looking at you DS) seem to think that 'it's family so it doesn't matter' - yes, it does matter.

Oh Willa you gave me a genuine “laugh out loud “ there!
No, they are just vague!

I agree about not arriving empty handed - never do this but have become increasing aware that it is less and less the norm. I am sorry that they have upset you. Having had a bereavement this year (don’t want to detail), I have “felt” everything more ie more sadness, more impatience, sometimes even more tolerance and been in floods of tears at good news. I worry that perhaps occasionally I have not behaved “as expected” by my nearest and dearest. Did each sibling think the other would provide; did they all drive back saying - “I thought YOU would have brought flowers ...”? I am glad you feel a corner has been turned and at least they did all turn up and bring themselves. I’d be tempted to text each and thank them profusely for their company on a sad day because I am sure that it did make a difference to have their company and I’d put a value on their company over everything. After all, if they had sent flowers for you to take alone that would have been sad. Perhaps overlook their carelessness and maybe one or all of them will turn up again same time, same place next year. (You can tell how I guilt trip my DC.).

I should add, that I'm in no way excusing them for coming empty handed......only giving an explanation.

So sorry the visit didn't go as expected. Is it possible one of the siblings had a scheduling conflict to overcome? That might explain a last minute confirmation and why they came unprepared. But no matter....look at the positive. They're family and what matters most is that they came.

In my book they should have brought a small present (Mitbringsel, known in Denmark as a gift for the hostess, værtindegave) flowers for you on this sad anniversary and either flowers, a wreath or the candles in a little windproof casing sold for All Souls' Day to put on or at the grave.

It is also extremely odd behaviour not to mention the departed when visiting his grave on the anniversary of his death. In charity, I suppose they may have been afraid of breaking down and crying, but if they had you would have known they were sad and not felt so alone in the world.

I suppose it is a case of "least said, soonest mended" but I hope it helps to know that we all think you are in the right, Maw, and they in the wrong.

On a public forum, Lynne59, we are all entitled to state our opinion, and others are entitled to disagree. What we cannot do is order others to be quiet.

I wasn’t the only one to think that you were advising Maw to cut off her relatives.

Ah SHW perhaps I was not clear. We generally alternate Christmases , one year it is a Broon year and the other year the DDs would normally be with their PILs.
Last year when Paw died put it out of kilter and DD 1 had everybody (including staying over) at hers, a mammoth undertaking. She has a demanding job, children and enough on her plate so there as no question of a repeat this year!
One DD and her DH are indeed hosting Christmas Day for the SILS Bil etc as well as her husband’s parents. Another DD and her DH will be with his parents and the eldest DD and family will be here.
Then I offered to have everybody who wants to to be here on Boxing Day.
I <whisper> quite like spreadsheets, some may call that micromanaging, I call it being organised
But no, I will not be “organising “ anything else in the way of anniversaries etc except between the DDs and their families and myself. They are more than happy to do their share and we are good at delegating!
This is now moving on to the topic of “Who goes where” at Christmas which is a whole new minefield is it not? ? ?

MawBroon You are under no obligation to fill any role.
You are no longer, and without Paw, a 'was' a 'always have ' a 'providor'.
The sooner others get that message the better for you and you can start by dismissing any ideas you have of spread sheets and emails. What was is now no more and time for others to take on some responsibility and if DD's wish to continue that has to be by choice not an' expectation'.
It is not too late to change ,that too though has to be by choice. Are you ready for that? and ask yourself Is that really what you want? Even with Paw how long would this 'arrangement' have continued.?

Oh - I have to say it wouldn't occur to me to take something if I was just visiting relatives unless it was a special occasion. Not just to lunch. Maybe our family are more casual.

Moggie I am sure your thoughts are kindly meant but you could not be further from the mark
Allow me to know my DH’s views on flowers (not fake, ever) , to know that we are a very tactile family and generally talk about DH a lot.
I just expected more recognition of the anniversary of a loss which is after all theirs as well as mine)
He was a wonderful big brother to them all, and I am sure they are aware of that.
See my comments about us being expected (and willing!) to host family gatherings, Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc ever since MIL died 20 years ago.

I would have said something on the day, but then I'm not very polite! Maybe next year you could set it up differently, and give them a deadline to let you know they're coming? Also, mention specifically "we can take flowers to the grave" or something similar. Sometimes you have to be quite specific with other people about what you expect - otherwise they won't know and will think all was well. (They probably don't realise that you expected them to bring flowers this year).

well it depends on how they were bought up.some families show no remorse or tears or even hugs. maybe the brother who died didnt like flowers.maybe they dont like talking about a departed one...i would feel a little put out but not that much. maybe you are different and like you say you brought flowers for the brother. me ,well flowers are a waste really they die to quick ,some artifical ones are better. but like i said maybe they are not a HUGGY family...but maybe a note to them saying that you enjoyed the visit and maybe they would like to come to tea instead. visiting a grave could be for them very sad ...

I am working on the spreadsheet today and I think I shall be emailing them with their contributions

Excellent plan!! Please come on here and let us know how this goes down ???

I have turned a corner Good to hear that Maw

I understand your hurt. You feel totally unappreciated. I have a friend who often stays overnight, but comes empty handed, yet I know those on her "A" list get orchids, chocs, wine. It shows lack of respect; its evident too that you are bigger than them and have manners.

Dear Maw. So sorry that you suffered from thoughtless relatives and send you my best wishes.
You have every right to be put out with them
I am thinking of you.
Carole5

MawBroon...I didn't mean to suggest that YOU should cut them out of your life. I would, if it were me, is what I said - and my in-laws are not pleasant nor polite.

Thank you all who have commented.
I am in fact pretty together now, I think the Victorians (and other cultures today) had the right idea about periods of mourning. The full 12 months on, I have turned a corner and last night’s cri de coeur was just that.

Maggiemaybe.....I wasn't suggesting that Maw or anyone else do. I said I'd do that. So what? It's what I would do, with in-laws, yes. You keep your opinion, and please don't criticise mine. You know absolutely nothing about me (and my in-laws)

Mawbroon Understandable for your feelings. I am sure as they accepted your invitation to lunch, and they could have declined , a few flowers for you to do with as you wish was the least they could have done. To not contact you the following day if only to say thank you for the lunch was inconsiderate but say the sisters are kind women. Don't dwell on it. It is early days and you are still grieving for Paw and it would help to talk to Bereavement Services which you can find on line. They do not make judgement but assist you in finding your way through the dark days you are still experiencing from your loss of a loved one.

Too true Bathsheba I should be used to the fact they are always late, tend to stay late (?) and Paw and I would have shaken our heads in unison, but there is a principle isn’t there, of basic consideration.
I fear there is an assumption that I will always fill the role of family occasion provider (asPaw was the eldest)
Don’t get me started on the emotional baggage (and dare I say economics) of Christmas, but we (or now the DDs too) always have to include them - so that’s another 4 or 5 adults and contributions of a Christmas cake don’t quite cut it when you are feeding what feels like the 5000 .
But I have a cunning plan worthy of Baldrick.
I am working on the spreadsheet today and I think I shall be emailing them with their contributions

Oh Baggs, you have made me laugh! And I realise that's what I usually do. And frankly it's often the path to contentment.
Especially with relatives.