Would you arrive empty handed?

I suspect, Maw, that had it been any other occasion, these little things would have passed you by - you would have sighed knowingly, and then forgotten. But on that day of all days your emotions would have been raw, bringing any small slight into sharp focus.
I hope the day otherwise was not too upsetting for you. 'Firsts' are always so difficult after a bereavement

You are right to feel upset a d pretty disgusted I think. So rude to let you know at the last minute they were coming - but on top of that to arrive empty handed and no flowers for the grave is disgraceful and hurtful. Even if we visit our son or daughter we always take wine as they do when they come to us - family or not just common courtesy.

If they were rude and offhand and talked among themselves while they were with you, that would be really bad and out of order, you haven't said that they did

No, no way. It was a friendly loving day (apart from when SIL’s Lakeland tried to “hump” Hattie (ideas above his station )
I think it just was a combination of their leaving their acceptance of my invitation until the day before, (when I was in fact away, at DD’s in London) no flowers for Paw and not even a text or phone call to say thank you.
They are very well brought up professional people with impeccable manners (......usually!)

A bunch of flower, a bottle of wine, a thank you note are all gestures of the closest people thinking of me in a tangible kind way and caring for me in the smallest possible way they can. It reassures me that I'm respected, appreciated, valued and not taken for granted. This kind of simple gestures may be small but they have a great impact on how I'd feel about them and my relationship with them. I simply don't want anybody around me who is that thoughtless, careless, rude mean and not my kind of people, people I can feel warm and close to develop a meaningful relationship with. I'd feel that person either doesn't know me, doesn't want to know me or knows me but wants to upset me, especially if they behave like that all of a sudden. I get really sad when that happens because I know at that moment my feelings and my relationship with them will be very superficial from then on. No one is desperate for a bunch of flowers, a bottle of wine or any thank you notes yet these small gestures help people like me to be happier in life and our relationships with others. May be, people like me are 'abnormal' but we do exist!

I think it's quite rude to leave it so long to reply in the first place, and then not acknowledging your hospitality without the smallest of gifts ( ie ) bunch of flowers or another small gesture is very bad manners in my opinion. It would have been also kind and thoughtful to have brought some flowers for the cemetry, or maybe something that could have been planted ...perhaps some bulbs that would flower in the spring, particularly as this is the first anniversary and bound to be an emotional time for you. Unfortunately there are many people like this these days and sometimes it's the ones we would expect to show more sensitivity are the ones that don't.

MawBroon, it appears to me that what you are suffering is hurt and disappointment in people that you care about. I do hope you can come to terms and forgive their thoughtlessness over time. It's not just our children who sometimes take us for granted. I hope sharing with us has helped in some small way.

Your post made me smile, anrol, because it reminded me of a friend in Oxford who used to wear a t-shirt that said, on the back, "When all else fails, lower your standards".

MawBroon I really feel for you and your loss. I think your grief has coloured the situation. Your family did not fit in with how you thought they should behave but one by one the sins were small.

I had typed a blow by blow rationale but I think the above stands.

If they were rude and offhand and talked among themselves while they were with you, that would be really bad and out of order, you haven't said that they did this.

So sad that these folk are so thoughtless. And just plain rude.
I wouldn't cut them out, but I certainly wouldn't put myself out for them again.

Agreed evianers - how it can sting, but do you think it is because we care about them and we might dismiss rudeness/lack of sensitivity in strangers or acquaintances without being too upset? I have occasionally been close to tears (not often!) at thoughtlessness in family members but then realised I would have brushed it off and soon forgotten it with strangers. We expect more I suppose, and expect those that are close to know us well and realise how we feel - perhaps it's unreasonable!

You surprise me when you say that you were 'too chicken to say anything'
From previous posts I thought you had more about you


GabriellaG!
I am a kind soul actually and as I am very fond of the SILs I would never say anything to hurt them -as I suspect this might. Cleft stick situation, speak up or suck it up?
So moving on, in the cool light of day I shall just ?? and put it behind me!

Members of one's family have a far greater tendency to severely hurt one's feelings, than friends do IMHO and experience.

How unthoughtful and very rude especially under the circumstances.
I always take a little thing whenever I visit someone, and always send a thank you, its just good manners.

Odd that - for people in their generation as we were, as you say, brought up not to go empty handed. I wonder if they were undecided whether to go or not and just left it too late to get flowers perhaps? But, still no excuse for not letting you know they had got home safely. I think you will just have to chalk this one up to experience Maw, people can be quite odd at times ((hug))

*of behaviour, not if

Anrol
Why on earth would anyone 'pat themselves on the back' for good behaviour? Superior feelings? Holier than thou?
Good manners are not something to be pointed out and deserving of congratulations.

Craicon I agree with you. I always take a gift when I go anywhere as I lived in Holland and there it is the norm and I always email to thank afterwards but I think I am often lacking in the social graces. It is possibly through thoughtfulness I am not sure. I certainly do not mean it unkindly.
As you say your DH's sisters are kind so please do not take it to heart. Maybe the whole day was difficult for them in their own way. They just handled it differently.
So often people do not live up to expectations.

From what you write, you are bothered ( on your own account)
My mantra is to never expect others to behave to my expectations if behaviour.
Your standards are not theirs.
You surprise me when you say that you were 'too chicken to say anything'.
From previous posts I thought you had more about you.

I feel for you MawBroon, but we were brought up in a different age ? & although I too have this sort of thoughtless behaviour from my family, one has to bite the bullet & just let it go.
My DiL Once said, when I quietly enquired about a thank you, that it is my sons job to thank me, not her. This seems quite unbelievable as I know she was brought up to thank people.. I now over text both him and her when I thank them for anything. It does jog their memory/conscious occasionally. A quick thank you on a text is so easy nowadays.
Many years ago a psychologist gave me good strategies for dealing with this kind of rude hurtful behaviour..... imagine a filing cabinet at the top of the stairs; climb the stairs thinking about the thing that has upset you; when you get there open the drawer, pour all your hurt/anger/grief etc. into the drawer; close it up and throw away the key. I has served me well for many years.
People are rude, uncaring & disappointing and you are not. Rise above it all and pat yourself on the back for your good behaviour & next time lower your expectations of others. You may be pleasantly surprised one day from an unexpected quarter. Sending lots of hugs ?

I wish people'd stop blaming the internet for everything.

Thinking further on the upset feelings in this thread has made me realise that when people visit me then that, the visit, is what they are giving and I am giving some hospitality. Looks like quits to me.

This may not apply in the case described but doesn't an expectation of gifts assume that people can afford things like flowers and wine or whatever? What if they are a bit hard up? Inviting people to visit and then making it cost them something doesn't feel quite right to me. Surely the giver is the hospitality-giver not the hospitality-receiver?

Please don't waste your emotional energy by fretting about this. They won't change. They don't have the imagination to put themselves in your shoes. If you love them, I guess you just have to accept them as they are, warts and all. I don't think they set out to be disrespectful. It is lazy behaviour and I understand why you are cross. But my granny used to say "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear". She said lots of odd things but many have stuck in my mind. They were not elegantly put, but generally pretty accurate.

I understand your feelings sadly the internet has put a stop to verbal or written thanks. Sometimes in families there is a sense of complacency when it comes to good manners, especially after the loss of a dear one, one can feel abused by their insensitivity. As you say let it go, but I would make sure I underline the need for sentiment if I ever get invited back. I often ask myself is a thank you from them more important than my relationship with my family because I very often don’t get anything from them.

I feel for you. While I wouldn't take flowers for the grave, I would at least take a small gift for whomever I'm visiting, and maybe a card, then express my thanks afterwards with a phone call.
It is not unreasonable to expect a call or text to say 'we're home', my daughter do it all the time, even if the text also includes a thank you for your hospitality.
I hope, now that you've "vented" you are able to put this away and carry on.
People are so strange sometimes, and almost never do or say what we expect of them.

I felt quite cross on your behalf initially Maw, but on reflection and as others have said, it does seem to be the way things are these days. I am glad you are feeling better for venting on here.

I wouldn't have taken flowers for the grave but definitely would have taken them for you plus a bottle, or some nice chocs. Not to let you know they were back safely and to say thankyou for your hospitality is just plain rude.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, maw, but I don't expect anyone ever to bring me something when I've invited them to my house. Just bringing themselves is fine. And if they say thank you before they leave I don't expect a note or other communication to say it again.

Thinking about it, in a way I actually prefer people not to bring anything. It seems more relaxed and informal which, to me, is more comfortable.

I don't think there's only one right way to do stuff like this.