Would you arrive empty handed?

Oh dear, some people should read original posts more closely shouldn’t they?
-18 12:59:30
Oh - I have to say it wouldn't occur to me to take something if I was just visiting relatives unless it was a special occasion. Not just to lunch
Pretty special to me! .
Well spotted Daisyboots.

I am surprised, all I can offer in mitigation is that perhaps they thought that flowers would make you weep. That's what a recently bereaved friend said to me once - 'if anyone brings me any more flowers I'll …… ' She didn't explain what she would do with them.

However, not bringing a gift was thoughtless and not asking if it was all right to bring flowers or a plant to put on Paw's grave was odd.
And a thank you as well would be thoughtful.

There's nowt so odd as folk, MawBroon

Are you trying to stop up a fight GillyEb?
I see no foundation for yourvtemark about materialistic people and their own company.
What exactly is your point?
Grandma70 I fail to understand the relevance of your particularly crass comment about gifts. Are flowers for ones DH’s grave from his siblings on the first anniversary of his death a manifestation of materialism?
Would you like to find a few more ways to insult and hurt me?

“Stir Up” not “stop up” of course.

My BiL and his wife do things like this - to us and DH’s other family members. I think you’re very kind hearted to write it off as “eccentricity” Maw! I’m just fed up with it now and, as DH has always found this brother difficult, we avoid them (they live a long way away) when possible. I’m afraid I might actually say something about their thoughtlessness/rudeness so I think this way is best. I’m glad you’re a bigger person than me Maw and can put it behind you ...

MawBroon, you say you are not bothered on your own account, so who’s then?Perhaps the sisters and brother are feeling pressured to visit the grave,or perhaps it wasn’t the right time for them.Why would you hint about flowers in the car? Again everyone’s beliefs are not the same.

apart from when SIL’s Lakeland tried to “hump” Hattie (ideas above his station)
has she been spayed?
that could be an interesting mix!

As they are rather vague I wonder if they went home again and found limp flowers and a bottle of nice vino sitting on their hall table?
Perhaps the conversation in the car went "I thought you'd picked them up" - "No, I expected you to do that".

GillyEB
MawBroon, you say you are not bothered on your own account, so who’s then?Perhaps the sisters and brother are feeling pressured to visit the grave,or perhaps it wasn’t the right time for them.Why would you hint about flowers in the car? Again everyone’s beliefs are not the same
Let’s take these wild and unfounded accusations one at a time shall we?
1) I was hurt on DH’s behalf. He deserved better
2.) Inviting your DH’s siblings to lunch is not pressurising anybody
3) if you read the words I did not hint about flowers in the car
4) allow me to know family members whom I have known for over 50 years and something about their parents, upbringing, family traditions and beliefs
5) if the first anniversary of your brother’s premature death isn’t the right time - what is?
You seem to be spoiling for a fight and to both insult and hurt me. Nobody on GN (other than perhaps yourself) will be surprised to see that your minority attitude is the antithesis of the support and understanding those of us who have been widowed recently have encountered on Gransnet.
There are always some who like to be hurtful however.
What exactly do you gain from it?
Schadenfreude?
It is a very definite form ofonline bullying.

I have not noticed you posting before GillyEB

Are you a new poster or someone returning under a new name?

Either way, its not very appropriate to try and cause an upset..
Give it a rest, Gill, please.

We are not allowed to mention the 't' word but I did wonder.

Mine was a general observation, MawBtoon, and not aimed at you or your situation at all. Sorry if you felt hurt, but I really was not talking about you.

Another general observation, NOT aimed at anyone in particular: no wonder there are so many squabbling families if people take offence so easily.

(My grandmother always said she wanted her flowers when she was alive.)

I had no idea people found gifts and flowers so important. When people visit me I want to see the people, and I wouldn’t care, or notice, if they arrived ‘empty handed

Apology accepted Grandma70, but was it not obvious that the occasion was a little more than a family lunch?
My hurt was mostly because DH ‘s memory seemed to be disregarded in a rather cavalier way.
You were being “played” by a poster who enjoys stirring and being obnoxious under the impression they are being outspoken.

An incredibly important milestone for you and you're not being at all unreasonable to have expected at the very least that they would have brought flowers to the grave and given you a hug. Can understand not saying much if overcome with emotion but there are other ways to show their feelings at their own loss and especially at yours.
As for coming to lunch without bringing even a token gift then that's sheer bad manners in my opinion.

How disappointing for you Maw. Good manners are fading fast, but I didn't think it was this generation. I am learning slowly not to expect anything from people as then I wont be so upset and hurt. Let it go and move forward. That's what I am doing with similar issues in our family. It hurts too much otherwise and they are not thinking of you.

It's about good manners, most people make sure they take a small gift or flowers when they have been invited to something like Sunday lunch. It's not as if they live close by and call regularly, it's polite.

If they are used to this custom it seems odd all three had forgotten. Maybe they had left the gift behind plus flowers but surely they would have said something. A clue seems to be the delay in accepting your invitation, something probably had happened they didn't want to talk about.

I've been in the same situation and I had no idea how to feel about it. Bit disappointed, let down, taken advantage of, it is confusing.

Perhaps one of them will tell you one day. Try not to let it hurt too much which it probably does. If you visit them keep up the custom with a smile.

My comments earlier were not meant to be taken as advice - it was saying what I would do, not anyone else. I wouldn't dream of telling someone what to do.

I don't need anyone to back me up, and I'm not lonely. My own inlaws were horrible to me (MIL died a few years ago, but SIL is still here and is spiteful and nasty, so I have stopped bothering with her, 2 weeks ago)

They sound mean. I wouldn’t be encouraging them around again, no matter how eccentric.

I think mumofmadboys has good advice, maybe they are aware you discuss them on GN. And you say they are usually kind although a bit eccentric. It must have been so difficult for you this weekend but they came over, albeit in their own manner, to support you. Maybe they feel their memories are a better place to pay respects to their brother? People are just different. While understanding your feelings, don't distance your DH's family, you obviously mean so much to each other. You are so fortunate that your own DC are your rocks - don't let others worry you.

Long day today....I finally got a chance to catch up with Gransnet. Maw, satisfied that my comment gave you a much needed laugh. Jalima your comment about wilted flowers and the wine being left behind made me laugh out loud too! Some of your posts are a real hoot although a few of you need to lighten up a bit (you know who you are) .

Here's a funny story: Some time ago, DH and I had a birthday to attend (friend's 60th.)....I put the B'day gift, card, wine and Tupperware (Baked Brie with fig jelly) in a shopping bag and left it on the kitchen table (door to garage is next to our kitchen). While I finished getting dressed, I instructed DH to put everything in the car. When we arrived at friend's house (over an hour's drive) later, shopping bag wasn't in the car. How could such a thing happen? DH had left it in the front hall, "...so you couldn't 'miss' it" he said.

PS. When we got home later that night, DH and I ate the Brie and the jelly. Next day, we sent the rest by post with a nice note

mawbroon. Thank you for this post. Quite simply, irrespective of different normals re taking a “minding”, Sunday was a day to be extra thoughtful and kind, and your relatives let themselves and you (and Paw) down. So your post reminds us of the importance of putting yourself in others’ shoes and being kind. It really does not take much or it shouldn’t. I kept hoping you would update that they had sent a belated acknowledgment. I have a dreaded first anniversary coming up and have decided to go alone as I cannot face the possible letdown. Your posts often give me advice so I thank you.

I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable CanOnlyTry ... it's such a shame that 'gratitude' especially for people's kindnesses doesn't seem to elicit any thanks these days. I experience this sort of thing lots and tbh it makes me feel sad and a little bit 'worthless'. I think sadly is the times we live in, people seem to not value good manners. Having said that I agree better not to react because in my opinion, based on past experience, others will see you as the unreasonable one. Hope you're feeling a bit better about it all now though.

maybe they feel their memories are a better place to pay respects to their brother

Well put, *justwokeup^.

That's odd Jalima - I thought just the same.....

The difficulty here for me is that I have never taken much notice of anniversaries (apart from wedding anniversaries and birthdays) in my own life, so it is hard for me to understand why they are so important to others.