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Arriving “empty handed”. Parallelling *mawbroon*’s post

(34 Posts)
Feelingmyage55 Tue 13-Nov-18 14:02:59

mawbroon raised the issue of arriving empty handed and I almost made excuses for the guests. My DC brought various friends for half term, all professionals earning excellent salaries. They arrived, stayed in our annex, fridge filled, local treats provided, wellies, waterproofs. Arrived a day late, just didn’t show up. Stayed on extra days, didn’t ask but we did not mind. Went out to nice hotel on last night for a meal. Did not invite us to join them. OH is mortally offended, I am trying to tell myself that at least we are meeting DC’s friends and that is just young folk today. DC’s other friends came to stay last week without DC - arrived with chocolates, left a card, flowers arrived yesterday. Feeling happier. Two different experiences. I know which I preferred. What do others expect? What should I expect?

Jane10 Tue 13-Nov-18 14:12:09

How astoundingly rude Feelingmyage. I actually think you should tell your DC to pass on to their friends what you think. It's a useful life skill to be polite. No matter what profession they are in its going to be useful to say thank you and express gratitude. Otherwise they'll go through life wondering why people think the less of them.

Feelingmyage55 Tue 13-Nov-18 14:18:29

Jane10. Thank you, I actually cried, a bit over reactive but I was also worried that I was being a bit old fashioned. Manners make the man I think.

Jane10 Tue 13-Nov-18 14:23:25

I'm gearing up to speak to my neice about a similar situation. I could just ignore it but this casual attitude to others making an effort on their behalf could prevent her progress at work. At the very least it's preventing me from giving her more. Her loss but she doesn't know it.
Also no thanks from another member of the family for a pretty decent wedding gift. Young people today!!

Charleygirl5 Tue 13-Nov-18 14:57:32

Feelingmyage55- that was astoundingly rude and not to invite you and OH out for a meal with them, the very least they could do, leaves me speechless which is a very rare event.

I agree with Jane10, you should let your DC know and also tell them that these young folk will not be welcome at your house ever again even if they do learn manners which I doubt.

J52 Tue 13-Nov-18 16:01:12

This is all too common, I’m afraid. Like others have said, I would consider it very rude not to take a small gift, choc,or flowers when visiting.
If it’s a week end visit all three, plus wine!
When we lived in London we were a popular ‘hotel’ for family, friends and the odd distant acquaintance and also experienced the ‘guests’ taking themselves off for dinner out without us! Very rude!

lemongrove Tue 13-Nov-18 16:11:11

It’s incredibly rude of those guests, they may be young but are not children.
Am a little confused though, as the second lot of guests arrived ( but not the DC?) are you being used as a sort of free hotel?

Charleygirl5 Tue 13-Nov-18 16:14:20

I live in a suburb of London and thankfully my relatives think I live in an inaccessible place to visit. Long may they think like that- 20 minutes on a fast tube and I could be at Baker Street.

When my aunt was alive, she lived in the centre of London and was used as a free hotel and never once received a letter of thanks.

EllanVannin Tue 13-Nov-18 16:17:11

Strikes me that there are an awful lot of ill-mannered people around. Up their own backside ones.

FlexibleFriend Tue 13-Nov-18 16:18:35

Yes they were rude but I don't think you should expect to be invited out for a meal with them all. I had one of my son's friends living with me for 6 months last year, we got on well and he needed somewhere to living temporarily. I got a box of chocolates when he moved out and I was happy with that I certainly didn't expect more. In your case a bottle of wine and some flowers would have been a nice gesture but really it's not worth getting upset about.

Luckygirl Tue 13-Nov-18 16:21:34

Gosh that was rude. I can cope with the idea of not necessarily bringing a gift if it is just a meal - but to avail themselves of your hospitality for several days with no attempt to recognise your efforts is really rather rude. In both instances thanks would be the least that should be offered.

merlotgran Tue 13-Nov-18 16:40:33

My other would run around like a headless chicken in the event of a last minute invitation so she would not arrive 'empty handed.' I wonder when the term first arrived because it's definitely one I grew up with.

No motorway services as a last resort in those days. grin

merlotgran Tue 13-Nov-18 16:42:31

mother not other.

Feelingmyage55 Tue 13-Nov-18 16:43:53

lemongrove. We live in a tourist destination so lots of self invited guests arriving for scenic holidays. Majority of guests good friend whom we are just delighted to have stay (for three days). Any longer and I start to feel like a hotel. If the visit is reciprocal, no problem. We like to feel guests are coming to see us rather than “hotel”.

Feelingmyage55 Tue 13-Nov-18 16:46:14

It is not a gift as such that matters, but the difference between being apppreciated or no.

lemongrove Tue 13-Nov-18 16:49:45

I get that Feeling but I thought the second round of guests were not your friends, but friends of your DC?
We used to live in a tourist destination too, but we only ‘put up’ thise friends of ours who used to visit us before we moved somewhere scenic ( sorting the sheep from the goats)
Sounds as if you are very welcoming and ideal hosts....could I please book the first week in Julywith you? I will definitely bring flowers.

Feelingmyage55 Tue 13-Nov-18 17:31:05

lemongrove. Both sets of visitors were friends of DC. DC accompanied first set but not second set who called up and asked to come and stay. The thing is we do not want to put DC off coming to stay and I guess we try not to be boring but ...

TwiceAsNice Tue 13-Nov-18 18:19:33

I think it's really rude to stay with someone for several days and not show some appreciation. Even when I stay with my best friend who I've known since childhood I don't take it for granted and arrive with flowers and wine and contribute to shopping and she does the same. Poor show in my view

oldbatty Tue 13-Nov-18 19:55:06

My son had a friend here ( female) for 3 days and nights.....small house so lots of adjusting going on. Lifts given, meals made, wine provided.
Not a word.

Baggs Tue 13-Nov-18 20:59:22

Hmm. In my experience if one's kids are nice and polite so are their friends.

oldbatty Tue 13-Nov-18 21:08:50

Fancy that! What are you trying to say exactly?

oldbatty Tue 13-Nov-18 21:11:18

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Framilode Tue 13-Nov-18 21:14:05

When we lived in Spain we had visitors that would turn up for a week usually self invited.

We provided all the food and drink plus all the hard work that went into making their stay enjoyable. They also expected us to pick them up at the airports (60 kms away) and return them their at the end.

Their idea of a gift was to buy us a meal at the end, and meals out in Spain were cheap.

We also had good friends and family that we loved to see and who were very generous.

I got the idea from these 'friends' that they had paid for the air fare and everything else should be free.

oldbatty Tue 13-Nov-18 21:31:48

Are your kids nice and polite all the time baggs
? And all their friends? Amazing.

PECS Tue 13-Nov-18 21:32:45

Whenever we go to anyone's home for a meal we always take a token gift: wine/ flowers/ chocs. That is to family, friend or acquaintance. If we were staying then a card afterwards as well to say thanks is essential.