Nobody Wants Her

So pleased that the SGO is now safely in place. Sending heartfelt best wishes that all goes well, at least as far as your little GD is concerned. I understand that your DD may be another story, even so, it's good that you and Mrs GG are there for her too.

Thank you for updating us. Good luck.

Thankyou for taking the time to let us know GrandadG. Very best wishes for all of you.

The SGO for our grandaughter was signed off by the court yesterday and is now in place.

It has been a hugely emotional experience not in the least watching our daughter happily chatting away in court as she handed over her responsibility.

The 3 main people in our GDs life, Mum, Nan and myself will continue to work together to ensure "little legs" has a safe, fun and disciplined upbringing with all of the values that we hold.

My attention now turns to my daughter to see if we can guide her from her current path which is destructive for all of us. We will see.

Thank you for all the messages and guidance and support in this little thread of mine I am grateful more than words

Best wishes

Hi,

thanks for the messages sb74, GQ & SL.

So we are nearly there, references all checked, DBS finished and last documents signed, final court hearing 2/Jul which we believe is a formality, there's a tinge of relief but also a tinge of sadness as our Daughter wants to now start overnight visits for our GD to her which is a huge challenge - she wants to hire apartment style accommodation which is genuinely a lovely idea but she has some way to go to allay our concerns.

The saddest thing of course being she is trign to claw back what she gave up.

GD is happy, preparing to go from Nursey to infant school, ah I want to keep her as she is and never change shes so lovely and happy right now... Anyway my wife made some friends already at an open night people she half knew, and they're arranging some play dates as our GD outside of nursery doesn't really have any friends.

Our lives are filled with love and warmth... and sleep...we're tired

thanks for all the messages, we are blessed with your kindness, shared experiences and guidance

x

Just discovered this thread, GG! My heart goes out to you, your DW (dear wife) and your little GD! Bless you and DW for taking GD in and giving her a stable, loving home. I haven't had this experience, myself, but have seen many GPs online who have, as well as some IRL (in real life), and I admire you all.

I'm glad DD was willing to let that happen, also. I'm sorry about the life she has chosen, and I know it must hurt you and DW, but I'm glad she let you have GD. Also, I'm sorry she lies and says she has "lost custody" of GD. But I imagine that's b/c she's embarrassed to admit she gave her up so easily. The fact that she still sees her, takes her out, and "spoils her" suggests to me that she does love her in her way, but would rather play the role of a sort of much older sister or favorite aunt than an actual mum. Besides, a child just doesn't fit into her chosen lifestyle, and I'm glad she realizes that.

Regardless, I don't think you should ever let her come and live with you (and I doubt she would want to b/c of the different ways of life). There's too much risk of her disrupting the stability you've given GD. Plus, if Social Services decides GD should not be living w/ her, they might take GD out of your home. IMO, your priority has to be GD now. Unfortunately, this is the situation DD and the dad have created.

Speaking of the dad, I agree that you did the right thing. GD should not be subjected to so much confusion and disappointment. As for his abusive comments and accusations, I would ignore them. Iv heard/read that this is common in these situations. He's really trying, it seems, to avoid facing his guilt and irresponsibility. He also may be trying to bully you and DW into dancing to his tune. Kudos to you two for not giving in to that!

Mostly, I'm glad the SGO is progressing and wish you, DW, and GD the best! I hope life works out for DD, too, even though it probably won't be in the way you or I would want.

Grandad George, I’ve only just seen this thread, huge respect for all that you’re both doing to ensure your that little gd has a secure and happy future.

It's clear that you care greatly for your daughter too and will have done all you can over the years to help and support her too. But much as you love her your daughter is an adult, albeit one who is making unwise choices in her life.. Choices that cause you great sadness, choices that mean she's unable to put her little girls need first. That little girl is the most important person in all of this and you and your wife are doing what your daughter cannot do - prioritising your gd needs over all else. Alongside this you are working hard to maintain a positive relationship with your daughter too, encouraging her to see her little girl etc.

It’s such a hard road you're having to walk, I hope the SG order goes through with no problems and you are able to access all the support you need in sorting out other issues as they arise. Wishing you and and your wife well with it all

I think it’s the right thing to do, taking your gd, but personally I would also want to help my daughter if I were you. Why is she behaving like this? You can’t ignore your daughters situation. I don’t think your gd would be pleased as she grows knowing you didn’t help her mother too. I also think the best thing is for the child to have a relationship with her mother too but in a formal and legal way. I don’t agree you should keep the child from your daughter.

You and your wife are lovely grandparents. I hope and trust that your grandaughter will grow up to be as caring as you are.

You did the right thing. Here’s hoping for some peace and stability for you , your wife and grandaughter

I can understand you feeling sad GG but i think you have done the right thing. Its awful and very damaging for your gd to be continually let down.
I was a cp social worker but retired over 15 years ago so things will be different now but do suggest you keep the authorities informed of whats happening and also that you keep a written record of contacts with the father and any threats he makes in case you might need it later.
Good luck, you are doing a grand job giving that little girl the security all children need. Well done to you both.

Well I can’t pretend we’ve had anything like your sad and difficult problems, but we do have a dad like your little granddaughters. He’s horrible, let’s her down time and time again, I agree with you grandad, what is wrong with them, that they have so little interest in their lovely children

Took the difficult decision to cut the father out at the weekend, we'd agreed he would see her every 2 weeks, we even did all the running about so they could see each other, he missed a week with no pre-warning, he then said he was taking her out Sunday last so we got her all ready and he never showed or contacted then gave me dogs abuse which is normal whenever you pick him up on his failings.

Desperately sad about it, tried on and off for 4 years and now our GD is alot older she's very intelligent and understands and feels these let downs.

It was made easier by the fact she barely knows him and never asks for him, it was made harder by the fact we had to make the decision knowing we felt like we were taking her Dad away from her despite everything and also it's not like she will ever have the opportunity to have a step Dad.

I'll never understand Dads not prepared to fight tooth and nail to see these little things they so easily create...

Feel a little sad today I must admit.

Thank you for sharing. The stability you’re trying to give your GD will be her rock in future years. When she is middle aged and you are no longer around she will reflect on the support, love and stability that you and your wife gave her. You are doing your best to provide what is missing in her little life. My heart goes out to you all. Keep strong.

Hi Tedber,

As alwasy it's complex, he's not somebody you can sit down and have a conversation, he's "inner city" no education, no job and all that goes with it and i'm not judgemental by any means I grew up in a council flat with my mUm.

So everything I've tried which is for his benefit alwasy fails because he doesn;t like rules or organised routines even simple stuff like if you want her on a saturday let me know on Friday the time so we can be ready; then we don;t hear then he texts about 11 (when he gets out of bed) asking is she's still coming however the little girls been up since 6/7, by 10 she's bored and if I've not heard anything we take her out.... and then we get the "you're stopping me seeing my daughter, you're this you;re that" bla bla it's exhausting trying to help him and he's been threatening to take us all to court for 3 years.... that's probably my answer really

He's paid nothing since she was born, my daughter sends money every week and regularly takes her places and spoils her.

thanks for your messages and the other lovely folks who replied - i appreciate it

God Bless

Thanks for update GrandadGarage, cannot offer any advice re your little granddaughter’s father I’m afraid but am glad SGO is on track and your granddaughter is flourishing. Probably been said loads of times before but well done to you and you’re wife for stepping up

Hello there GrandadG. Thanks for the update it's good to read the SGO is on track. Usually, the SGO will set out the plans for contact to the child's parents and other significant adults. The key thing is the relationship between the child and those adults.
I'm sure you and your wife will continue to do the best you can so far as the relationship between your granddaughter an her mother is concerned.
You ask about the father. Given that at the start of these proceedings, your granddaughter hadn't had the regular, loving and consistent contact with her Daddy that would lead to ongoing, regular, unsupervised contact, my impression is you've rightly been entirely focussed on her need for a relationship with her father. His behaviour has to set the pattern for future contact. Have you discussed that with the sw? In her shoes I'd be suggesting something like 6weekly or maximum monthly direct contact. I'd expect the father to phone an hour before the agreed contact session to confirm he'll be there. I know this means you can't prepare your granddaughter in the ideally for contact but it also protects her from being let down.
The abusive texts form evidence of his instability. Is he a drug user ? PM welcome if you want to .

I don’t feel qualified to offer anything but sympathy and congratulations on stepping up to the challenge. Your GD is lucky to have you.
It’s good to have updates.

Still following the story, GG. So pleased to see the plan is coming together for this little girl. Best wishes to you and your family

Ooops GG - you might have already said that! Ignore me!!! (note to self MUST learn to read!!!)

Hi GG - am new to this forum so only just seen your thread.

From what I understand, you and your wife have parental responsibility? Not joint with either mother or father? Am I correct?

There is, therefore, no reason you have to put up with the father's unreasonable behaviour. The child's best interests must be paramount. Some may say, seeing parent(s) at any cost is in a child's best interests but I disagree such as in this case.

Obviously I don't know exactly all the ins and outs but from what you have said, I would tell the father you are not arranging any more visitation (owing to his unreliability). If he kicks off - tell him to take it to court!
He MAY get visiting rights if he ticks the right boxes at the time but these will be set in stone. If he fails to comply - well speaks for itself!

Do either of them pay you maintenance? Just wondering but you don't have to answer.

Good luck...your little girl is lucky to have such sensible devoted grandparents.

I think your daughter has to be left to her own devices, I would not go down the road of giving her a home, you would be, in effect, enabling her to carry on her lifestyle. She must reach rock bottom first before she climbs out of the mess she has gotten herself into, she's done it before and can do it again. This little girl needs a stable and loving home - which you are providing for her, hats off to you and your wife for doing so. Incidentally , I know many grandparents in similar position to you, it seems to be an imcreasingly common proble. I would also seek legal guardianship of this little girl x

So just an update here,

The SGO is on track which is good,

We do have dilemma with the Father, he is supposed to see our GD every 2 weeks which was ok for March, then at the end of April he missed a weekend without getting in touch; he finally got in touch on Friday so I pointed out he'd not seen her for a month now following which he sent me dogs abuse about my daughter being a "cokehead, hooker, going to a solicitor, everythings gonna change, f#ck the social worker" etc not quite sure how that's related to him not seeing his daughter for a month...

So on the same text on Friday he asked for her Sunday to take her to a party which I agreed, we've heard nothing since and I'm totally disgusted as we told him at the beginning we wouldn't accept people drifting in and out of our GDs life.

My difficulty is cutting it dead early, our GD rarely asks for him; she's barely seen him in 4 years, we did arrange contact 2 years ago with him but the weekly dogs abuse and threats we used to get I had to stop as it was making me ill, I only put up with it so my GD could see her Father - I think because my own Father disappeared when I was 3 I felt some strong sense of importance to it but I'd had enough so we had to cut him off via a solicitor

This time, very very quickly I've reached the same point however it's not the abuse that bothers me it's now the fact that she's our full responsibility and it's unfair him coming in and out when he feels like it, he makes no effort; we do all the dropping and picking again not for him but so she can see her Dad.

We feel we should cut this off quickly now; this was his time to prove his commitment and already it's failing.

Outside of that we just re-decorated the room she sleeps in so it's all want she wants with new bed and wallpaper - someone suggested here a while back and she loves it.

If anyone has any comment I'd be grateful

best wishes.

Thanks for the kind words GA, David, Specs, Day6 & Iam64; we do read and appreciate them all.

Iam64 is making a very important point that will hopefully help your granddaughter in years to come. She can be taught that mummy couldn't keep her little girl safe so she wanted her to be with you, who love her very much, and will always take care of her.

And of course that's true - whatever your daughter's motives she acknowledges that her daughter will have a better life with you than with her. I admire what you are doing and hope that the joy this little girl brings you over the coming years will compensate for life having taken a turn you didn't ask for or want.