Why would people do this?

To address someone as Mrs John Smith is tantamount to saying that she is just an “s.”

I cannot describe the feeling when, on the day of our wedding, I became a Mrs. That was the icing on the cake. Now as a widow I can never imagine myself as any one other than who I became on that day so many years, and memories, ago.

I have retained my late DH's (very unusual) surname & I am Mrs not Ms which I hate.

When addressing envelopes to married couples I always put Mr & Mrs R Smith as I was taught this was correct.

My condolences to those of you who've lost loved ones this year , the 1st Christmas is the hardest. After almost 6 years I no longer find it so difficult.

When I married seventy three years ago it was the done thing to take ones husband’s name and be addressed as Mrs John Smith and since I was widowed thirty years ago have been addressed as Mrs. My Christian name and my late husband’s surname. My elderly widowed friends are the same.
All those years ago it was not the done thing for unmarried couples live together let alone have children.

My husband died many years ago, but I still use Mrs when it applies, because that’s how I see myself.

When addressing postal items to other people, I just use their names with no titles - e.g. David Smith, not Mr David Smith or David Smith Esq. (Does anyone use Esq. any more?)

Thankyou Connie7 I’m sorry for your loss also

I find it strange that people should treat you like this, Tanith. I was widowed last year and no-one has changed or missed off my surname. You are not being over-sensitive, as your first Christmas without your husband will be so sad for you.
Lots of us here will be thinking of you.

Regarding addressing partners not married, I just put their first names on the envelope.

Thankyou everyone for your input, Im over the upset now but I just don’t get the logic of addressing an envelope without my surname very strange. I won’t be investigating further.

I am sorry for your loss, I too lost my Dh some 4 years ago so understand the intricacies of grief. Anything you feel is normal, do not apologise. It is these type of things that not everyone, unless they are a member of the 'club' widowhood, can understand and you will be touchy, but if you know that then you are better equipped to deal with it. I have found over the years that I have been a widow that it has changed me, sometimes not for the better, and I am less tolerant than I was, but again grief does this to you. My thoughts are with y ou

I objected to taking my husbands surname on being married 46 years ago....but did see the practicability of it! If anybody ever has the audacity to address a card or letter to me with my husband given name on it , then I refuse to even open it , as it in no way resembles ME! I started officially calling myself Ms. as soon as my daughter married and did the same. Completely obliterating your own identity by calling yourself Mrs. Jack Smith is demeaning! What’s wrong with women.!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. My heart goes out to you this Christmas.

It seems so many aren't being taught proper etiquette these days or even merely that such a thing exists. My first thought is that perhaps they're trying to not be offensive or give you painful reminders of your loss (as though you'd forget). It is still proper etiquette to address the widow as Mrs. (surname). It is also proper to address the widow using her first name then surname. (i.e., Mrs. Jane Doe instead of Mrs. John Doe) however, either is acceptable.

Pardon my being forward. I apologize in advance if I'm out of line in offering such advice but I am only doing so because my heart goes out to you. My daughter's mother in law had her first Christmas without her dear husband last year. He was a good man and we were saddened by his loss. I also suffered a loss a few Christmases ago of one of my children. I was devastated and it didn't hit me until the day after Thanksgiving (I'm American) when my husband decided to pull out Christmas decorations. Traditionally, my daughter and I did Christmas together (tree, decorations, shopping for presents, etc). So when he did that, I just died inside. I couldn't bring myself to help him. My sadness was so profound, I sought counseling. I still had two sons in my home and I was really struggling. When we put up the tree, I couldn't be enticed to care about it. I tried to be cheerful for them and let them decorate the tree. Of course, as kids are prone to do, they stuck all the ornaments in one spot on the tree and I couldn't have cared less that year what the tree looked like. I just told them they did a stupendous job and thanked them and left it as it was. They were proud of themselves and that's what mattered.

My therapist said that it often helps to start new traditions during the holidays so that's what we did. We changed some things. It still hurts but not as bad as that Christmas. My sons still aren't adults yet (they're teens now) but they're now "Santa's helpers" for the grands. They now help with shopping and wrapping and putting self assembled toys together.

My dd's mil also started her own tradition of going on holiday during Christmas. She and her husband used to spend Christmas with us. It was too painful for her to be here without her husband. My husband and I have 7 children and 4 grands, so holidays at our house is quite busy. Her only child is married to my daughter so it only made sense we spend our holidays together at our home, rather than impose ourselves at their home.

I wish you peace and comfort this Christmas.

tanith. I would not go out of your way to say anything, unless it upsets you. I choose to keep my married name and if any one wishes to refer to me in any other way, frequently seen on my mail as The Occupant, I would not let it bother me.

Anniebach although in Portugal the majority of women keep their maiden name their surname then forms part of their childrens name. So if your surname were Santos your childs name would be say Ana Maria then your surname Santos then their fathers surname say Pedrosa. So she would be Ana Maria Santos Pedrosa. When at the the doctors or hospital your whole name is called and they can be a lot more complicated than my example.

Sorry about your loss. I can absolutely guarantee that none of your friends and acquaintances are doing this to annoy you, or with any thought of erasing your late husband. Some of them seem unsure of the 'correct' way to address a widow. Accept that they have, at least, attempted to find a solution, even if it isn't the one you prefer. So please don't waste energy getting upset over it. I suggest you sign YOUR Christmas cards with the name you prefer. They'll (mostly) catch on for next year. Please don't hate the few that don't!

My best friend insists on sending me birthday cards with my my husband's initial & our surname. It feels like being his chattel- I've been moaning about it for about 4o years but she insists it is 'correct'!

My DH and I have different second names …. I do not mind being Mrs DH but DH not always happy to be Mr PECS!

I often address cards by first name only for couples if I am unsure of second name of a partner who I know less well!

What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

I suppose it's faintly possible that the people addressing the cards are starting to have age-related memory problems?

Please don't let it upset you, Tanith. I don't expect they meant to be uncaring.

I would be too! Your name isn't Jack!

I was taught as a child that a widow was addressed as Mrs Jack Smith until after her husband's funeral, then from that day onwards as Mrs Mary Smith. She also moved her wedding ring from the ring finger of her left hand to the ring finger of her right hand. This, however, was not universally practised.

It wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that customs differ (and differed) from one part of the UK to another.

Nor do I see it is applicable today, where most women prefer to be Mrs. own Christian name, rather than Mrs husband's Christian name.

I use my husband's surname, as I said when we married that I didn't think I would feel married if I still was addressed by my maiden name and if anyone addressed me by my maiden name in conjunction with Mrs, I automatically waited for my mother or grandmother to answer, even after both ladies were dead!

I don't object to the few people who can't remember my married name addressing letters to DH and me by my maiden name. So far the post office has managed to deliver them, but I would be annoyed by anyone just putting my Christian name on the envelope, as I am constantly annoyed by people I don't know from Adam addressing me by my Christian name instead of Mrs + surname.

tanith.
Firstly, I am so sorry to hear that you have recently suffered the death of your husband. I do hope that you have some comforts in life to sustain you. After 23 years of marriage it must be a very big loss and difference in your life and even though we all know it has to happen some day, it does not make it easier. I hope that Christmas will pass easily and that you will feel blessed during this time. I know it can be hard. Do treat yourself very kindly.

As for the ignorant few who do not use your surname, well, I am lost for words actually! I've not come across this and think it is very stupid! Perhaps the friend who forgot has mild dementia. I will admit, I am very scared I might have it as I forget names which I know really well, and then I panic and that makes it impossible to remember anything.

Yes - you have every right to let off steam! Good old Gransnet is the perfect place to do it! I am sure many people here understand and agree! I certainly do!

With lots of love, TB

Taking my husbands name when we married didn’t change who I was,

My condolences to all the recently bereaved here. Christmas is an awful time for highlighting loss.

Anniebach and Bikergran I completely agree about not mentioning your lost loved one. We need to keep them alive in some way.
Next Sunday it will be 7 years since our son died in his sleep. He had a rare genetic disorder, lots of issues, epilepsy being the worst. It was sudden and shocking. Anyway, I remember one lovely neighbour who wrote on her Christmas card ... to ..., ... ... and not forgetting Sam. (The year after. We'd actually sent and received most of ours before he died.)
It can still move me to tears. So simple and heartfelt.

To OP, I find it strange that anyone would address an envelope without a surname. Sometimes a neighbour might but that's different.

to everyone for Christmas. It brings lots of memories

My dil retained her own name. I put both full names when addressing a card.

Wheniwas I went from my maiden name always being spelled wrongly to my married name being similarly mangled!