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(29 Posts)
Megsgma Thu 13-Dec-18 12:34:57

This is the second Christmas DH and I won't be spending any time with his family. Between July last year and now, my inlaws have said and done some pretty disrespectful things. These things didn't just start, there has been a very long history from what DH tells me (both our 2nd marriages, 11 years total in January) of issues he has endured and myself since coming into the family but the camels back (both of ours) broke last November.

We were out to dinner with DH brother and sister and spouses, I told them about my trip to the caribbean with my bf of 25 yrs and her elderly mother and aunt. A girls week away. We had a nice dinner and once in the parking lot, men standing in their circle, us girls in another and not within ear shot of the men, my husbands brothers wife says to my comment of having to go through my summer clothes for the trip - in front of my DH sister "well, as long as it's all on the up and up"... I just responded oh we're going with her mother, no shennanigans! It did not hit me until I was walking to the car that she had pretty much said it was a great thing as long as... fill in the blank...what? That I'm doing what I say? Going with whom I say? Going to go and behave? What did she mean by that? I was truly offended. The way she leaned in and said it in a hushed tone, like it was something naughty I was planning just angered me so much I didn't want to be around them last Christmas and DH had had enough once that happened so we begged off. At this point we only saw them twice a year at Christmas and possible wedding/funeral. Then my mil passed this August and because DH chose to step back prior, his sister and brother excluded him completely from planning his mothers funeral and he was the closest to her! And the oldest. His sister and brother pretty much walked in and took over when she was diagnosed with dementia 7 years ago with a lawyer..after we were the ones who got her to go to specialists because we spent thr mist time with her and knew she was not well. Sorry for the rant, I'm just still angry at them all!

Buffybee Thu 13-Dec-18 14:24:40

From what you say about the brothers wife's comment re your holiday. She was either jealous of your trip or it was a clumsy attempt at humour.
So the comment was "the straw that broke the camel's back", and you then kept your distance from your husband's Brother and Sister.
Did you mention anything to them about the comment and how it had upset you?
If not, from their point of view, you have made yourself scarce for a year for no reason they can think of.
I also don't really understand what his brother and sister walking in with a lawyer as soon as their Mother was diagnosed with dementia meant.
Do you mean they set up changing her Will.
It also seems as if the brother and sister have just got on with dealing with their Mothers funeral, thinking that you would rather keep at arms length.
I don't know what to make of all this but if you don't get on with your husband's family, just keep away.

EllanVannin Thu 13-Dec-18 14:40:19

I wouldn't have let on about any holiday.

NanaandGrampy Thu 13-Dec-18 17:33:59

If your husband was closest to her - yet had not had anything to do with her since Christmas they can’t have been that close !

Seems like instead of taking offence at whatcoukd have been a poor joke it might have been better to tackle it head on and ask her what on earth she meant ? Would have saved all the fuss.

Sorry , seems like a mountain out of a mole hill to me .

Chewbacca Thu 13-Dec-18 17:48:58

Me too NanaandGrampy.

paddyann Thu 13-Dec-18 18:12:01

sense of humour clash ,shame it affected your OH's relationship with his mother .

Chewbacca Thu 13-Dec-18 18:26:45

To be honest, I think I'd have said something along the lines of "What are you implying you saucy madam"! And then I'd have laughed it off. No way was that rather lame joke worth a huge family fall out and rift that's gone on for 2 years and extended beyond the grave. Life is too short Megsgma, please, sort it out rather than let it fester any longer.

Megsgma Thu 13-Dec-18 21:28:16

Thanks for the replies, we saw my mil all the time, never stopped seeing her, and DH's sister as well..just not his brother and wife. There was no will or anything until 7 yrs ago when she was put into a nursing home and DH's sister and brother went to the lawyer to set up who would be responsible for making decisions on her behalf which my H was ok with. DH just never thought when she passed they would exclude him completely. He and I have had a relationship with his sistet and her husband so to have her just not include H in any funeral planning was a shock.

As for H's brother and wife, the have owed H thousands of dollars since before we met, he got some back but not all, he put it aside for family sake. Then they put themselves in the middle of H's relationship with his sons and then his ex wife of 20 years with whom no one was in contact with her all those years...she left H and their 2 teenage boys at the time when she met a man online and remarried. Once the boys were older and moved out, their mother decided to tell them all the reasons she did what she did and wht she left. This caused them to disengage from their father, pretty much alienation. The sil who said to me about my trip being on the up and up just 2 months prior to that comment fessed up to my H she had been talking with his ex wife after 20 years passed of no one speaking to her to try and build a bridge. This did not go over well with H and then after what she said to me, that was the last straw. Thousands of dollars, meddling in his life, rude comments to me, he's done. I believe his sister didn't want to be in the middle so chose sides...her 2 sons work for H's brother..makes it all a bit tricky for her.

Megsgma Thu 13-Dec-18 21:35:28

And my H's sister who witnessed the comment from her other brothers wife to me when I spoke to her after about how upset I was..and no she was not joking said not to listen to her, she never makes any sense. It made perfect sense to me but H's sister hates upset or confrontation and would rather we all just get along. I see it as let her get away with crap! Over and over cause I could write pages about the crap in the last 11 years!!

mcem Thu 13-Dec-18 21:35:39

Sorry. This is all too much for me! I' m afraid I don't have the energy to spare to make an intelligent or supportive suggestion. I'll just focus on my own crisis and wish you well!

FlexibleFriend Thu 13-Dec-18 22:23:47

Yet another drip feeder, if you want intelligent responses try giving the facts up front, rather than wait to see how people respond and then drip feed a bit more info. It just makes people switch off.

Megsgma Fri 14-Dec-18 04:55:55

Drip feeder, very nice. I apologize. It is Christmas, it sucks to have idiots for family members and I needed a place to just do a quick rant...I see that alot here and didn't ever see it as drip feeding.. I'm positive if I wrote 11 years of crap I could be accused of over feeding! I'm 50 years old and in nursing school..I only have limited time throughout my day but thanks all the same...FlexibleFriend!?!?

BlueBelle Fri 14-Dec-18 05:34:41

Hands on head in despair
I ve read this twice and still don’t get what you are up in arms about surely it was someone probably pulling your leg maybe she was fed up with hearing about your holiday
Then there’s the whole chunk about your husbands previous family history which surely is not your business at all
I m sorry you ve got idiots for family members but probably best to let your husband sort them and you get on enjoying your career and your holiday

Megsgma Fri 14-Dec-18 05:48:34

She was not pulling my leg...that's why it peeved me off so much and she shouldn't have been fed up, I said it once over dinner and mentioned packing in the parking lot. I will enjoy my holiday thank you...we leave Christmas Eve for Cuba, I'll be sure to enjoy the warm weather seeing as I am in Canada smile

stella1949 Fri 14-Dec-18 05:56:47

Sounds like making a big mountain out of a very small molehill. What a fuss . Sometimes I get sick of hearing about other people's holiday plans - maybe she was a bit "over it" too. Her comments seemed so mild, I can't even imagine why you'd take such offence. Enjoy your holiday .

Megsgma Fri 14-Dec-18 06:38:43

Ok, I don't know whether to take you all seriously. What do you not get about this? My sister in law, is standing in front of me, we are talking about how unseasonably warm it is outside and it's November and we haven't even broke out our parkas yet (apologies for the drip feeding here) I'm in Canada so it's a pretty big deal for the temps to have been so warm and I say yeah I'm glad I never put away my summer clothes because now I'll need them for my trip (another drip feed bf is paying for 4 of us ladies to go away last minute, she came into some money, it was her mothers 75th bday and my 10th anniversary cancer free and she wanted to treat me) my sister in law leans into me about 2 feet away from my face, squints her eyes like the following:

Narrowing of a person's eyes can indicate evaluation, perhaps considering that something told to them is not true (or at least not fully so).

Yeah, that look.. And says looking right into my eyes in a hushed tone in response to my packing "As long as it's all on the up and up":

From collins dictionary


If someone ison the up and up, they are honest andsincere.


I'm a pretty good judge of men. If you're honest and on the up and up, I'll be able to tell it.

It was a comment that didn't even fit the conversation but intentionally fit in upon parting ways...My answer to this was oh yeah we're going with her mom and aunt, no shenanigans and her response was not ohhh I'm teasing or ohhh I'm pulling your leg (drip feed) it was a very stern "well that's good ". I guess it was a had to be there moment to understand... If no one here thinks that was an obvious dis then I am obviously in the wrong place indeed cause I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable for being peeved.

BlueBelle Fri 14-Dec-18 07:34:38

Oh Dear you are scraping the barrel to find something to confirm your idea that she’s a horrible sister in law If that’s the worst anyone’s ever said to you you re one lucky lady
Sorry but I m with the others here a big old fuss about nothing

harrigran Fri 14-Dec-18 08:26:07

Your in-laws do not sound that bad, just the normal ups and downs of family life. If you don't like what they say don't socialise with them.
Have to say when my own sister starts detailing her holidays my eyes glaze over especially as I am no longer able to do those kind of activities.

Anja Fri 14-Dec-18 08:30:04

Just let things go and get on with life.

Megsgma Fri 14-Dec-18 08:49:16

I am absolutely shocked. Women are supposed build each other up, not tear each other down. Scraping the bottom of the barrel, mountains out of very small molehills, drip feeder, as long as it's on the up and up...are you all cut from the same cloth or are you all trolls? Maybe she said it to me because DH's ex w lied to him and flew to meet her affair partner in Montreal the first time they met..he's from London and she lied to go, saying she was meeting her old bf and thought I was going to do the same to him...maybe because I wasn't paying, ohhhh maybe I was lying and my lover paid for it and my gf paying was all smoke and mirrors. I said 11 years of crap from her prior...comes into ny home and to my FACE tells me our collections of "tchotchkes would drive me crazy, I hate clutter"..texts DH when DH and I are taking mil out for her bday "how dare you take her out and not ask us to come! You're so inconsiderate!" Ummmm because you let us know the day before you already had plans on the Sunday so we made plans for Saturday....knows we're moving into a new home, family members offer and help us move.."let us know when you're all moved and when the party is - no offer of help...buys a million dollar home, still owes $$$....takes your pic and TELLS you she is posting on FB whether you like it or not and does....gets drunk and tells a houseful of Dh's family that HER sister keeps buying "all these stupid owl tchotkes every Christmas for my daughter uggghh, I gave them all away to donation hahahaha I hated them"....At a wedding "ohhhhh don't tell anyone cause I'm not supposed to tell but so and so had a boob job, they still look the same to me!" Proceeds to tell EVERYONE who will listen....loves to constantly tell me about my DH's personality "cause I've known him longer than you" and if she's had a good night with the bottle, plop herself pretty much in DH's lap...I can keep scraping...yeah I really don't like her. Her husband tries to control her, is constantly telling her to stop in front of everyone when she's literally mowing their friends down, or her coworkers at family functions...the way they dress, how their home is decorated, the stupid way their hair was colored blah blah blah...judgemental, outspoken know it all who walks around looking down on people. That is my sister in law!

MissAdventure Fri 14-Dec-18 08:51:01

Why are you worrying about things which happened before you were with your husband?
No point getting offended about the ins and outs of his first marriage.

NanaandGrampy Fri 14-Dec-18 09:04:06

I did try and read your long posts OP but I'm afraid that because you're not getting what you expected ( unquestioning support) you're never going to be happy with the honest replies so I'll just let you get on with it - Good luck!

notanan2 Fri 14-Dec-18 09:10:06

You're sounding very high strung and easily offended to be honest. Its hard work just reading your posts so no wonder they stuggled to chat to you & ended up missing the mark.

Such a shame for you late MIL that you couldnt have "played nice" for her sake

notanan2 Fri 14-Dec-18 09:15:29

What are tchotchkes and tchotkes?

Not that it matters. I truely hope that your DH doesnt let your jealousy anger and possesiveness isolate him from everyone else in his life. [Sad]

Megsgma Fri 14-Dec-18 09:37:09

Omg, I haven't played nice for my mil's sake? Jealous..possesive..every other negative response I have seen from this thread is unbelievable.

Is this gransnet or meangirlsnet? Such empathy and understanding.

Think I'll pass on your little forum going forward...if I wanted the rudeness I have encountered here, I could just have called my sister in law!