Gransnet forums


Not everyone's happy.

(69 Posts)
gmelon Sat 22-Dec-18 05:13:08

Am I Being Unreasonable to mention the bereaved Gransnetters who are having their sorrow and loss highlighted by Christmas?
I need to say this in the right way causing offence.
There's no joy for some and no point without the person they want to be with.
I dont know how to articulate any more than that really.
I've said a prayer of thanks for my loved ones being safe and still alive this year.

gmelon Sat 22-Dec-18 05:14:37

without causing offence

Sealover Sat 22-Dec-18 05:35:04

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Christmas can be such a painful time for many for all sorts of reasons. There is an unrealistic expectation that it's such a wonderful time of the year with families all together having a blast. But it's not. I'm very grateful that my adult children are well, I don't see them at this time of year (second marriage and all that throws up), miss the grandchildren. We need to be extra sensitive to those bereaved, tune into their needs, listen, share tears and support and know when to give space.

absent Sat 22-Dec-18 05:47:29

Some of us are very lucky to live close to our family, although in my case we were separated across many miles for quite a few years. Some have said farewell to family members in the last year and are still grieving deeply but may find comfort in remembering lovely shared Christmas times in the past, maybe with children and grandchildren who carry the loving legacy forward. Some have sad anniversaries around this time that still bring tears to the eyes every year. Some are estranged from family members and feel the pain all year round. Surely we are all old enough and sufficiently sensitive to know when to wish a cheery Happy Christmas and when to be a little more gentle, thoughtful and understanding to those in our close circle.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but I think you are underestimating your fellow Gransnetters.

Lisalou Sat 22-Dec-18 06:09:13

Well said, Absent !

kittylester Sat 22-Dec-18 06:54:02

Good post absent but if one is missing some one then any mention might be too much. It's a difficult balance.sad

janeainsworth Sat 22-Dec-18 07:44:02

I wish there was a ‘like’ button Absent. Well said.

I think the majority of Gransnetters probably don’t overdo the celebrations, don’t feel any sense of enforced jollity, are sensitive to the plight of others, and are grateful for the blessings in their lives.

dizzyblonde Sat 22-Dec-18 07:52:13

I think too many people think they can dictate how people should grieve. The number of people who told me, after my parents had died, that Christmas would never be as happy again, was staggering. My parents bought me up to be pragmatic about life and to see death as a part of it. Coupled with their strong faith in a life after death the first Christmas post losing them was different but still happy.

Anja Sat 22-Dec-18 08:10:50

As someone who lost a grandchild close to Christmas it can be very hard. There is always and forever that empty place at the table, or a gift that can’t be given.

Someone once posted on GN that she didn’t understand how it being Christmas made it any harder, but somehow it does.

MissAdventure Sat 22-Dec-18 08:25:25

This time last year I was clearing out my daughters home, all of her treasures, her furniture, and the things she had collected in her life.
However other people enjoying the festive season makes no difference to my sadness.
To be honest, it doesn't even come close to touching it, so I wouldn't want to use it as a 'stick' to bash people with.

kittylester Sat 22-Dec-18 08:30:02

Of course it must, anja. sad

(((Hugs))) MissA

MissAdventure Sat 22-Dec-18 08:30:51

I must just say though, that whoever it was that couldn't see how it being Christmas made any difference needs a good kick up the arse!

gmelon Sat 22-Dec-18 08:34:08

I have the greatest of respect for Gransnetters.

I hesitated so many times about putting this thread up. I feared that along the line it would lose my heartfelt thoughts and become about others imagined slights against them.

I can assure the Gransnetters that I do not underestimate their sensitivity and kindness. I've seen it in action, reaching out to the most tragic of circumstance. There is no doubt about their kindness and empathy.

Should I not mention loss amongst the flurry of Meghan Markle, mince pies and turkey and family squabbles?

It was posted in the dark early hours if this morning when I could imagine others awake in bed thinking of their missing loved ones.

MissAdventure Sat 22-Dec-18 08:36:40

That's exactly what I was doing, gmelon. flowers

mcem Sat 22-Dec-18 08:41:41

I was foolish enough to venture on to a thread to say I 'm not particularly excited about Christmas and was accused of being a grinch, amongst other things. I know I am very fortunate to have my family around but despite that, am very aware that for various reasons, others don't.
However anything less than hyped-up excitement is apparently not acceptable.
I need to think more carefully about which threads to read and then refrain from comment if my opinion doesn't fit.
I've often posted on GN threads where there are lots of different opinions but have never had this reaction and will "censor" my reading now!
There are lots of threads for being sympathetic so be ready to be told to stay there and not spoil the fun of those who are excited and jolly.
This not a thread about a thread just a thought that it might be best to read the thread heading with some thought.

Anja Sat 22-Dec-18 08:42:22

gmelon of course you can, and should, mention these losses. It’s not putting a blight on Christmas but instead acknowledging that there are those who, yes, often in the wee small hours experience an acute sense of loss, made all the more poignant because of the festivities. Festivities that we will go on to enjoy with those who are, thankfully, still with us.

If that makes sense?

mumofmadboys Sat 22-Dec-18 08:48:45

Christmas certainly heightens emotions. One can end up in tears for nothing at all. It is memories of Christmases as children and the excitement / joy of seeing relatives and having presents. Certainly people one have lost come to mind so easily at Christmas time.

oldbatty Sat 22-Dec-18 08:54:40

It's a very weird thing when we are not allowed to feel our feelings.
Personally its not about grief for me ( yet) its about my childhood, the darkness and a strange feeling of dislocation and lack of connection with anything spiritual.
Also,ever the Socialist, I don't feel comfortable consuming more than I need.

MawBroon Sat 22-Dec-18 08:54:49

I have twice started a post and each time thought better of it as I am fighting sad thoughts sad

Everybody is different but if I can I would like NOT to be the only one to refer to Paw over the course of the Christmas period when we are all together as a family.
Last year it was so recent that I was probably numb and he was uppermost in all our much minds
This year and in years to come I fear that he will fade into the collective memory.
So not wanting to make a “thing” of it, but please let us keep the memory of those dear to us alive.

Anniebach Sat 22-Dec-18 08:54:57

I have lay awake the last two nights , my therapist asked me to think of ‘ a safe place’ a holiday, a walk, a house, somewhere I felt safe and happy, there is no such place,
How I loved to walk through the grounds of Powys Castle watching the deer, I took my daughter with me pushing her Pram. My beloved New Quay? No I see her playing on the beach, so it is with Christmas, no tree because I see her decorating it, no cards up because her card isn’t there.

oldbatty Sat 22-Dec-18 08:58:07

Not wishing to sound trite Annie, but lovely memories.

dragonfly46 Sat 22-Dec-18 09:02:03

Annie flowers

Anniebach Sat 22-Dec-18 09:02:03

But they are not batty because they hurt .

MissAdventure Sat 22-Dec-18 09:04:17

They certainly do, Annie.
They just make the yearning stronger, because I want more than memories, and I can't have more.

sodapop Sat 22-Dec-18 09:06:23

My friend often rings to talk about her recently deceased husband. I agree with Maw we need to be able to share memories at Christmas and other important times, yes its sad and yes there may be tears but that is better than not talking about our loved ones. .