Gransnet forums

Thoughtless people

(48 Posts)
Borntosew Wed 26-Dec-18 06:29:20

My daughter in law is recovering from radium treatment after having stage 1 breast cancer surgery. She was, and is, struggling a bit with depression, and having a 2 year old child to deal with, but at least the prognosis is good. The other day in a shop she happened to mention the surgery to a woman, and then had to listen while the woman told her of a relative who went through the same thing, got well, and then four months later was diagnosed with stage four metastases of the cancer throught her body and died six weeks later! My DDIL has mentally crashed for Christmas, feels really ill and exhausted, is not sure her prognosis is correct etc etc. How thoughtless that unknown woman is to open her mouth and create such mayhem. I am really angry about it.

Oldwoman70 Wed 26-Dec-18 06:39:31

People love to tell bad news don't they. Can I just say that I have had breast cancer, surgery and treatment. That was over 20 years ago and I am now fit and well. It is hard going through the treatment but with the support your d-i-l obviously has she will come through it. flowers

Sparklefizz Wed 26-Dec-18 07:07:57

Borntosew What a horrible experience for your daughter in law, and I am so sorry to hear it. No wonder you are angry about it. Quite rightly.

I had much the same when someone I barely knew called round after I had had a mastectomy to tell me her cousin had died of breast cancer. I didn't feel like having visitors in the first place, let alone someone I'd only met twice, but she had made that effort just to be spiteful. Grrr. People eh??

But ... I am still here 20 years later! Radium treatment is exhausting .... add in a 2 year old and totally exhausting. The treatment is hard and I hope with the love and support around her, she can be as positive as possible, perhaps join a self-help group for women with breast cancer. There is nothing like talking with people going through the same thing ... they will understand.

There are many of us survivors, and treatment is much better now than it was 20 years ago.... OldWoman and I are both long-term survivors, even Kylie Minogue is one, and your DiL can be one too.

flowers for her and sending her my very best wishes, and flowers for you too, Borntosew for being a lovely supportive MiL.

EllanVannin Wed 26-Dec-18 08:08:20

As far as I'm concerned " miracles " are happening all the time with cancer surgeries/treatments etc and I think it's marvellous.
Some people delight in moaning and telling horror stories about such things but they must miss an awful lot out just for the drama of telling you !
I wouldn't dream of talking like that to anyone but some people revel in it.
Take no notice and take a tip from me that a positive attitude works wonders . x

sodapop Wed 26-Dec-18 08:53:53

What is it with people that they can't resist 'topping' other's experiences however sad they may be.
Reassure your daughter in law that there are far more people recovering from breast cancer than succumbing to it.
Best wishes to all of you thanks

dragonfly46 Wed 26-Dec-18 09:00:58

I too have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and it is first a shock and then ups and downs.
Your DiL is lucky as hers is stage 1 and 100% curable.
She must have faith in her prognosis and maybe visit her GP for support and reassurance.

Oldwoman70 Wed 26-Dec-18 09:01:39

Can I suggest she contact Breast Cancer Care. They have a team of volunteers who have been through the experience (I was a volunteer myself for a while), she will be matched with someone who has had the same treatment and the volunteer will ring her as often as she wants her to. She could discuss her concerns with the volunteer who will understand completely. Sometimes all I had to do was just listen. Most hospitals will also have a support group. As I said before it is tough but she will come through it. Trust the medical professionals rather than some uneducated thoughtless b***h.

Luckygirl Wed 26-Dec-18 10:08:08

Dreadful woman! - needs a kick up the backside!

To give the other side: my DSis was diagnosed with BC when she was 34 and had two lumpectomies and radiotherapy. Several years later she had a recurrence in the same breast (different type of tumour) and had further treatment. She was 60 this year and still going strong! And her treatment started many moons ago when they were not as effective as now.

labazs1964 Wed 26-Dec-18 10:11:53

sending love and best wishes there are always doom and gloom merchants who to be honest are better off keeping quiet

missdeke Wed 26-Dec-18 10:16:47

I just finished radiotherapy treatment for stage 3 breast cancer last Friday so can offer my sympathies on how your daughter in law was feeling prior to hearing this. I hope she doesn't let other people's spiteful gossip affect her recovery as her consultant will know her situation far better than anyone else. My very best wishes to her and I hope that 2019 proves to be a far better year for her.

grannytotwins Wed 26-Dec-18 10:26:34

I don’t know if it was spiteful or thoughtless, but your DIL will be fine. Hopefully she can be convinced of that. Any cancer diagnosis is a shock and can make the person feel depressed. I didn’t expect to feel depressed even though the tumour was removed with clear margins, but it hit me like a truck. Nobody warns you about your emotions. I have a great support group on FB and maybe she can take the advice from a previous post which sounds as if tailored support is available. Best wishes to her and you all.

Kateykrunch Wed 26-Dec-18 10:28:59

Borntosew.....that is horrible, people need to think before they speak. On the Breast Cancer Care Forum there is a thread about the inappropriate things that have been said, some of which do in fact raise a few laughs. I am just 12 months from Diagnosis and Mastectomy and finished radiotherapy in February, it is tiring building back your energy and strength, it will be even more so with a little person to care for and a roller coaster both physically and emotionally. There is also a Younger Womens Forum that she may find useful, you should be able to find that online for her. Also her Breast Care Nurse should be able to signpost her to the help she needs. All the very best xx

Urmstongran Wed 26-Dec-18 10:50:59

My sister was diagnosed with Stage IV beast cancer over 3 years ago. Had mastectomy, reconstruction surger, chemo and radiotherapy. She was stoic throughout & is today enjoying good health. My best wishes for your daughter’s complete recovery - her prognosis is good.

Caro57 Wed 26-Dec-18 10:54:22

Poor daughter - as well as BCC she can also contact MCS and CRUK help lines. Trouble is people who have been there and recovered just want to get on with living so don't think to share their successful journey.

Yorkshiregirl Wed 26-Dec-18 11:10:41

I was diagnosed with stage three aggressive breast cancer in July 2017, and have just completed extensive treatments lasting nearly 18 months including several types of chemotherapy.
I too had insensitive people tell me horrible things such as I would die anyway! I gave 3 people severe rollockings and also fell out with someone I used to consider a good friend.

It does effect you emotionally as well has physically, and can be exhausting.

She will come through this, it was caught early, and treatment is tailored to each individuals specific cancer and the C word no longer means a death sentence.

I'm 62 and now recovering from the long treatments, but I know it has changed me, and my outlook on life. I won't tolerate any nonsense, and I make it clear this is "My Time" to be lived with pleasure.
Wishing you and your family a happy and healthy New Year x

Rosina Wed 26-Dec-18 11:12:33

What a nasty, thoughtless woman. More people recover than don't. Years ago I had severe problems with pains in my right leg and could hardly walk. Someone 'helpfully' told me that this was just what happened to her relative whose leg suddenly and gruesomely broke and they later died of bone cancer. To say that it cast me into a pit of depression for weeks was an understatement, but fifty years later I am still here and the pain eventually went. Doom merchants are not worth listening to - all good wishes to your Dil.

Daisyboots Wed 26-Dec-18 11:32:11

How awful for your daughter in law. But some people seem to delight in terrible stories about other people. My son's best friends mother was diagnosed a year after me and when I said how sorry I was my son's reply was oh she has it far worse. He has a top job in the leading Cancer hospitals so is so matter of fact about the disease. But I felt so crushed because he was unaware of the emotional shock of a cancer diagnosis be it a grade 1 or a grade 3. Nearly 23 years later I am still here and healthy so please tell you daughter to ignore that woman because many women are long term survivors of breast cancer here on GN. I hope she soon revovers her energy. I had 4 children from 11 down to six so I was very grateful for the help from my friends and my Mum at that time.

ReadyMeals Wed 26-Dec-18 11:43:45

The truth is no doctor can be 100% sure of the outcome. Doctor might have told her it looked gloomy and she might still recover and go on to live another 70 years. But yeah it did seem particularly silly for that person to bring that up at that particular time!

vickya Wed 26-Dec-18 11:57:09

I had a stage 2 lump removed from my breast in 2010. It had gone to one lymph node so the lymph bunch on that side were removed too. I was told to opt for any trials offered and went on a reduced radiation trial, the minimum so less damage, for I think 3 weeks daily. That was tiring. Then I was on first a hormone treatment I've forgotten the name of and after 18 months Tamoxifen for 6 years. As I was in my 60s with osteoporosis I had to have treatment for bone density too.

The radiation was not too bad. Chemo was not necessary. It would have increased the chance the cancer didn't return by less than 2%. They tell you the percentages of each treatment and discuss it at Addenbrookes. Where is your daughter? There should be a dedicated breast nurse she can talk to.

I am still free, having had annual checks up to last year. That's 8 years. Treatment has improved all the time during that period, because trials mean they can see what works best. Tell daughter the chances are now very good that it will not come back. And it is probably that she's tired after the treatment and any hormone therapy she has that is making her depressed. Plus a 2 year old to cope with at that time is tiring anyway! Give her my best wishes for a stronger and peaceful new year. and to you too.

MrsDoyle Wed 26-Dec-18 11:57:43

What a dreadful thing to say/do. People are thoughtless sometimes. I wish your daughter in law well.

PamSJ1 Wed 26-Dec-18 11:58:57

I’ve had surgery and radiotherapy following a breast cancer diagnosis in July this year. I’m now on medication for five years. I found the reality of it kicked in once the treatment was completed. Does your DIL have a Breast Care Nurse? They can arrange suitable support.

June60 Wed 26-Dec-18 12:03:40

Why on earth would someone do that! I'm sure DIL knows the pitfalls & doesn't need reminding. Not quite the same I know, but we sadly had to have our dog put to sleep recently & an elderly neighbour found out & when he next saw my husband was very sympathetic but then went on & on about how horrendous it is to have an animal put to sleep. People need to think more. I wish her well

Camelotclub Wed 26-Dec-18 12:53:10

You get these prophets of doom all the time in life! I had stage 2 breast cancer in 2004 and am now absolutely fine. The treatment is an ordeal but you do get through it and come out the other side!

Why do we get these naysayers? I am in a village where there may be house building in the field behind my house. You get 'neighbours' saying "ooh, you'll be snookered" and "you'll lose your view" and other cheering words to that effect. I wish them all in hell.

4allweknow Wed 26-Dec-18 13:06:28

My daughter just finished chemo, surgery and radiotherapy for T3 negative breast cancer only 4 weeks ago. Her story would be one of the worst you can tell. I can thiugh assure you she would never relate to anyone what her treatment was like or her long term prognosis is likely to be. It is her story and would and has told people whom I have heard ask her that the treatment is a means to an end, no one would chose to undergo it all but there is no point in doing so if you don't view it as having a positive result. My DD has been accepted for a drug trial starting in January, fingers crossed. Your DIL has to have faith and trust in those involved in her treatment. They have nothing to gain by not being honest with her or giving her assurances when they feel they are warranted. Has she considered visiting a Maggie's Centre. I visited one for my own sake and a couple of days later I felt I had put everything in its right place and had taken a bit mire control of how I was feeling. Really good counselling service. Do hope all works out well.

Jane43 Wed 26-Dec-18 13:09:22

People can be so thoughtless. I was diagnosed at the end of September and had a lumpectomy on December 13th, the results of the biopsies are due on January 2nd. I have also been at the receiving end of tactless comments which, although you know are completely unrelated to your situation, do play on your mind. The day I had my biopsy, even before I was diagnosed, a woman who was waiting with me told me she had never known anybody who had a lumpectomy survive for five years afterwards and whatever her diagnosis she would insist on a mastectomy. After I was diagnosed and the lumpectomy was recommended my sister-in-law told me she ‘hoped I got through it’. Our niece told me if she was in my situation she would insist on a double mastectomy. I am trying to be positive but such comments have definitely affected my outlook.