Thoughtless people

so frustrating indeed.
I am sorry for your daughters diagnosis, and state of mind in such trying times.
I find these days people just want to spread all over the world how much worse off they are than anyone else out there. This certainly does not offer support, if anything else I feel like they are devaluing another's situation. I don't think they mean to, but in today's society so many people believe sharing the doom and gloom is all there is.

My mother has been through breast cancer 2 times now, she is 80, and is doing well.
I sincerely hope your daughter manages to overcome the emotional stress and maybe can smile a little and carry on and have positive feelings more than negative ones.

Borntosew I have had cancer 3 times over 20+ years, I have had surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy and I have sort of accepted that it may get me in the end....BUT, I honestly try not to think about it. I am often in groups where individuals talk about their cancer experience but unless specifically asked about it I do not mention mine, that is because I did bring it up on an occasion when it was upsetting for someone in the company. I had not realised; I was so full of what I had suffered, but that was a lesson learned, I can tell you! I felt so guilty that it buttoned my lip permanently - and I'm so glad it did because cancer was becoming who I was and that is so unhealthy.

Hi everyone but especially Jane43. The trouble is, everyone dreads to hear the news we ( yes me too) heard so to relieve their angst make stupid comments , and unless you have sat on our side of the table they truly don't have a clue - just their imagination!
Take uplifting comfort from the above replies as we have all been through all the feelings you are feeling, but also be positive we were all scared, but look at the response and the time that has passed- 20 years ,22 years, ( me 18 years) and take comfort with family and True friends...and Breast Cancer Care, you can ask them anything. Look up the BCC fashion show and fundraiser on you tube ..all models current or recently had breast cancer...see you there in October .....it is sooooo uplifting . You have a hill to climb but heck you can do it ! Best wishes

Can't believe how many of us have had breast cancer I am 4yrs on Fromm mastectomy and chemo . I did feel that my end had come when I was diagnosed and treatment is very tiring I would recommend your daughter in law join a forum it helps to communicate with others . There isn't a maggies near me but I had some therapy at haven centre .best wishes to your din law x

Please, please will people stop saying “ you will be fine” when there is mention of Cancer treatment. This does not make it ok. Medical experts can never be sure and would not say this and just makes the person question others perception of an illness that others have to reassure with “ You will be fine”. It is crass and insensitive. Please don’t say it, a patient may be fine or they may not. A doctor with skill and training could not know so how could a neighbour or friend know if you will be fine or not?

I sincerely hope your DiL recovers. I don’t think People mean to be unkind. At times they just don’t know what to say or just say the first thing that comes into their heads without thinking.

As for taking the stranger to one side and dishing out a warning...
if I were her, I'd walk off before the first word was finished.

Maybe it's not a great idea to start up a conversation about a serious illness with a stranger, knowing that you're feeling depressed and a bit rotten but also aware that the person you're talking to knows nothing about your state of mind and depression.
As she was a stranger, you can't expect her to behave as you'd expect people who know you to behave.

The thoughtless woman needs to be taken aside and warned of her thoughtless remarks surely.

Borntosew *I had stage 1 breast cancer this year, had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy (I don't think they call it radium treatment anymore) in the summer and am now signed off. I check my boobs regularly but didn't feel the lump. Your DDiL should be having annual mammograms but if she's concerned she should call the breast cancer care nurses who are there for just such situations to reassure and help. She could book a private mammogram too if she's concerned. It's not easy to ignore the doom mongers but so many women now survive she's got every chance of being fine.

Jane 43 I hope it all turns out well for you

Oops! DD DiL

*shop not chop...

It's a bit like some posts on GN, where someone has depression or illness, struggling with children or finances or an argument and looks for comfort. In amongst the majority of supportive messages, there are often, if not always, tales of similar woes which have befallen the responder and not all of them give hope.
As there are many GNers and there was only a 1 on 1 in the shop, there was no-one else to soften the blow, as there is on here.
The stranger in the chop was not to know about the OP's daughter's depression or her home circumstances or any other factors, as we here often do, so to castigate the stranger is IMO, not a good idea. We have no idea of HER home life or circumstances. 'Judge ye not', as some here are fond of saying.

When I had breast cancer 11yrs ago I perfected the reply "Oh right, thank you for that!" to any negative remark. It worked and it made me feel better to have something to say that fitted how I felt. Best wishes to your dil hopefully she will get support from her breast cancer team.

Reading this I feel so sad about people senseless remarks. How thick can people be! I have had people say similar during a trial ing time and never felt the same about that person. Disgusting! Wait till God forbid it's their turn see how they feel!

As someone who is about to have radiotherapy I feel so sorry for your daughter in law. She needs support, not people peddling misery! My aunt had a mastectomy fifty- odd years ago and is hale and hearty at 86. There are far more success stories: the radiotherapy is tiring but with your support and the rest of her family she will be fine.

So sorry to hear that. I once dared to complain at blood donation that the volunteer who was near the drinks table for afterwards had gleefully told me that her brother had ' died of Coeliac disease'! Only asked if there were any snacks I could have! No support at all from staff member I tried to speak to.
Best wishes for a fit and happy new year to all, with or without health issues.

I'm sorry to hear about your DIL, Borntosew. I hope your DIL stays well clear of these Job's comforters from now on and that she makes a good recovery.

So sorry ..people are so thoughtless ! OK to say 'I have had this and got throught it' but to tell her someone died is unacceptable ...Everyone knows it happens and we don't need reminding if we are feeling fragile or vulnerable ! I had three returning metastatic tumours in the liver ...I was talking to someone in a shop when they were asking me how it was going and I said it's ok now thanks... I am deciding whether to buy this coat or that one ....some complete stranger who had been listening said 'Oh, from what you've just said you won't be needing either '......being a different person, I just laughed ...but the shop owner was horrified that she would say that ...........fortunately it didn't bother me, but I can understand if your daughter was just getting used to the good news ......shame on that person

I think cancer seems to bring out the 'expert' in some people.
Because they've had experience of their own, they can't understand why someone else's experience is totally different.

Can understand your feelings, what a thoughtless selfish woman. Take no notice of these prophets of doom, if your daughter went to Brest Friends, she would get support from people who have been or going through what she is, the outcomes are fantastic these days as she will find out.
Jayne 43, I hope and trust you make a full recovery, what stupid comments that woman and your niece made, they should be ashamed, your oncologist is the one to believe and trust.

"a woman who was waiting with me told me she had never known anybody who had a lumpectomy survive for five years afterwards and whatever her diagnosis she would insist on a mastectomy. "

That is silly. What the options are depends on the kind and size of the cancer. I and many others had a lumpectomy, and I even had the lymph glands removed, but it was 8 years ago, so many of us do survive more than 5 years!

What a stupid, thoughtless thing for that woman to say. Like your DIL, I had Stage 1 breast cancer, 2 years ago. I was very tired after radiotherapy sessions, and for several months afterwards, even though my children were all grown up, so I appreciate it may be diffficult looking after a toddler. But as others have said, breast cancer at this stage is 100% cureable. Your DIL may find it helpful to talk to a MacMillan nurse, I found them lovely and so supportive.

People can be so thoughtless. I was diagnosed at the end of September and had a lumpectomy on December 13th, the results of the biopsies are due on January 2nd. I have also been at the receiving end of tactless comments which, although you know are completely unrelated to your situation, do play on your mind. The day I had my biopsy, even before I was diagnosed, a woman who was waiting with me told me she had never known anybody who had a lumpectomy survive for five years afterwards and whatever her diagnosis she would insist on a mastectomy. After I was diagnosed and the lumpectomy was recommended my sister-in-law told me she ‘hoped I got through it’. Our niece told me if she was in my situation she would insist on a double mastectomy. I am trying to be positive but such comments have definitely affected my outlook.

My daughter just finished chemo, surgery and radiotherapy for T3 negative breast cancer only 4 weeks ago. Her story would be one of the worst you can tell. I can thiugh assure you she would never relate to anyone what her treatment was like or her long term prognosis is likely to be. It is her story and would and has told people whom I have heard ask her that the treatment is a means to an end, no one would chose to undergo it all but there is no point in doing so if you don't view it as having a positive result. My DD has been accepted for a drug trial starting in January, fingers crossed. Your DIL has to have faith and trust in those involved in her treatment. They have nothing to gain by not being honest with her or giving her assurances when they feel they are warranted. Has she considered visiting a Maggie's Centre. I visited one for my own sake and a couple of days later I felt I had put everything in its right place and had taken a bit mire control of how I was feeling. Really good counselling service. Do hope all works out well.