Teetime I can barely imagine the pain of this first Christmas but from my experience last year, I was probably still numb with the shock of the whole experience of bereavement.
I had thought the worst was over and somehow things would revert to a sort of normality this year, just without Paw but it was not like that. I went through the motions of tree and cards and decorations and overcatering but my heart was not in it.
Once the children and grandchildren arrived on Christmas Day and Boxing Day things picked up -your spirits have to lift at their excitement and happiness, and I was too busy to dwell on my inner feelings, but now they have gone, deep down I am glad it is behind me (not “over” if you see the difference)
I had wanted a quiet C Eve on my own to get ready and reflect, perhaps enjoy my memories but that was a disaster and much of the day and night found me in tears.
I learned this is the rest of my life. Despite a loving family there is loneliness, there are regrets and those are hard to leave behind.
So it marks another (unwelcome) stage in the grieving process - moving on, when what I really want to do is hang on to the past with my fingernails.
Heaven knows what the turn of the year will bring.
Deep breaths, early night and a good book.