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AIBU

Double standard FIL

(73 Posts)
H1954 Fri 28-Dec-18 16:58:42

My FIL treats us and other people like cash cows. He's involved in a stupid investment "arrangement" and has been for some years. When we ( myself and other DIL's ) say that we're worried about him he simply tells us to butt out, we are not family and it's none of our business! On occasion we have noticed a shortage of food in his larder so regularly do a food shop, we take him out for meals and we are constantly subsidising him.

He is so wrapped up in himself but will happily ask to borrow more and more money to fund this ridiculous venture. He thinks a van will appear with a stash of money in it!

AIBU to want to give him a wide berth, but on the other hand I want to shake him and tell home that he has lost thousands of pounds in a fruitless scam. He is turning into a devious old man who will try to tap us up for a couple of grand one day and refuse to talk to us the next.

antheacarol55 Sat 29-Dec-18 11:38:34

You are doing more harm than good in my opinion.
What or where will he go when you and others are no longer here to help?
I think you soon all do a gradual withdrawal for “helping him”.
Unless you have money to throw away

Chucky Sat 29-Dec-18 11:43:48

@holdingontometeeth Op has a problem and looking for advice (as well as highlighting the issue, so others are not drawn in) so if you can’t say anything useful or nice why don’t you just*SHUT UP* instead of being plain nasty.

holdingontometeeth Sat 29-Dec-18 12:16:18

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holdingontometeeth Sat 29-Dec-18 12:22:07

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Purplepoppies Sat 29-Dec-18 12:24:02

Another bright man with no common sense driven by greed. My poor aunt suffered a husband just like him. She didn't find out he hadn't been paying the rent for several months until the landlord knocked the door threatening eviction!! She finally saw sense and kicked him out. He is still living in cloud cuckoo land, adamant this money is coming.
He once offered me an 'opportunity ' into this 'business '. I allowed him to explain it, he was extremely enthusiastic. At the end of his speech I told him I wouldn't ever be part of a pyramid scheme. He wasn't happy. According to him it isn't a pyramid scheme. There is no other name for it.
If you feel your FIL is vulnerable and this 3rd party is taking advantage get some legal advice. But if he has all his faculties I'm unsure what can be done. Good luck, you have my sympathies ?

notanan2 Sat 29-Dec-18 12:24:58

Age UK may be able to offer you advice on this?

Its hard but I know from when family members of mine have been (to a lesser extent) involved in scams, it is counter productive to try to talk them out of it, it just makes them dig their heels in more.

A lot of these scams groom the victims to see relative objecting as "proof" they are doing the right thing.

One told my relative that younger relatives will object because they just want to protect their inheritance, and if they do that just proves that they dont care and proves that you SHOULD invest for YOU.
Wasnt the case at all we just didnt want them to be "had" but due to them being primed to hear us object with the company telling them that it would prove we didnt care about them & just wanted the house we knew we had to tread carefully so encouraged them to talk to 3rd parties instead.

icanhandthemback Sat 29-Dec-18 12:30:44

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Esspee Sat 29-Dec-18 12:47:43

Cannot think why you suspect that icanhandthemback. If you are concerned let GN know and they will investigate.

Elderlyfirsttimegran Sat 29-Dec-18 13:07:31

My advice would be to speak to the Police about this. I don’t know his bank would deal with you. These scams are all too frequent and if you’ve subsided him you also are losing money. It needs investigation.

GabriellaG54 Sat 29-Dec-18 13:07:36

All I can say is, your FiL needs to be assessed. No-one in their right mind would think that paying an import licence for a pallet-load of cash, was in any way a sane thing to do, OR believable.
I wonder how old he is and what is the background of his 'lodger'.
Remortgaging his home? Taking out loans? At what age? One would think that the bank would become suspicious about him sending money via Western Union which would show on his account or indeed, withdrawing large amounts of cash.
No...sounds like a leg pull but in any case it's his money...let him waste it.
No fool like an old fool.

GabriellaG54 Sat 29-Dec-18 13:11:57

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Bbbface Sat 29-Dec-18 13:15:16

Your focus is entirely wrong

It’s not him you need to shake. It’s be daft family lending him “thousands”

PECS Sat 29-Dec-18 13:27:26

There are organisations, including police, trading standards etc who investigate scams.
As a caring relative I would have made a formal report or complaint to an appropriate authority. I would also have put in writing my concerns to my FiL and copied to the rest of the family,the lodger and the police. I would also make use of a 30minute free consultation with a lawyer to see how to protect FiL.

holdingontometeeth Sat 29-Dec-18 13:33:48

Never mind the Police !
Get the Infiltration Squad involved!

lemongrove Sat 29-Dec-18 13:46:45

wink

Harris27 Sat 29-Dec-18 14:01:36

dont give him anymore money and get other half to sort it!

Tennisnan Sat 29-Dec-18 14:09:34

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notanan2 Sat 29-Dec-18 14:15:31

My MILs parents only died recently and Im old enough to be a gran myself! (But am not as had my children later than my peers). I know another gran whose parent only died this year.

Its not uncommon for a gran to have a FIL.

notanan2 Sat 29-Dec-18 14:20:06

I would have thought of all places gransnet wouldnt assume that all grans are decrepit little old ladies in shawls. Plenty have adult children AND aging parents.

Buffybee Sat 29-Dec-18 14:22:20

I'm a gran of from 7 to 20 year olds and my Dear old Dad died a year ago aged 92.
Can I also say that I think that this poster is genuine and looking for advise for a very upsetting problem.

sarahellenwhitney Sat 29-Dec-18 14:33:50

I give an opinion but advice has to be from a professional used to and knows how to dealt with what you have presented. Opinion is that your FIL , even if of sound mind is he/ isn't he ? has been duped some one /thing has control over him which he accepts! hence the' mess' he is in. A persons state of mind can only come from a professional and Age Concern need to be contacted who will guide you.

notanan2 Sat 29-Dec-18 14:51:13

People are allowed to make unwise decisions under safeguarding and unfortunately all a safeguarding referral will check is whether the decision is his. Not whether it is exploitative or not.

Age UK are prob the best to advise

Elrel Sat 29-Dec-18 14:54:51

Tennisnan - plenty of GNs in their 40s or 30s as well as us pottering around on our simmers!

4allweknow Sat 29-Dec-18 15:25:00

As this scam has gone on fir so long and to such an extent the Police probably be interested. Others may well have reported the same scam. Worth a visit to a police station or a phone call.

Barmeyoldbat Sat 29-Dec-18 15:48:21

You have 3 choices with this problem
1. Go to the police with your concerns, they will go and talk to him and see what happens.
2. Get him assessed for his capacity, not a quick job and you may not get the outcome you want. This has to be done by a Dr and possibly at a Safe Guarding Meeting with all agencies, including the Dr involved. If you get the result that he has no capacity then you can apply for Power of Attorney and take over his finances.
3. Let him get on with it.
As for PECS idea of a formal complaint may I ask who this addressed to?