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Double standard FIL

(72 Posts)
H1954 Fri 28-Dec-18 16:58:42

My FIL treats us and other people like cash cows. He's involved in a stupid investment "arrangement" and has been for some years. When we ( myself and other DIL's ) say that we're worried about him he simply tells us to butt out, we are not family and it's none of our business! On occasion we have noticed a shortage of food in his larder so regularly do a food shop, we take him out for meals and we are constantly subsidising him.

He is so wrapped up in himself but will happily ask to borrow more and more money to fund this ridiculous venture. He thinks a van will appear with a stash of money in it!

AIBU to want to give him a wide berth, but on the other hand I want to shake him and tell home that he has lost thousands of pounds in a fruitless scam. He is turning into a devious old man who will try to tap us up for a couple of grand one day and refuse to talk to us the next.

grannysue05 Fri 28-Dec-18 17:15:39

Until you all stop subsidising him, he will continue.
If he finds his food supply dries up, he will soon sort out is priorities.

grumppa Fri 28-Dec-18 17:35:15

Are your husbands (presumably his sons) totally spineless?

sodapop Fri 28-Dec-18 17:38:43

Sorry H1954 I agree with other posters. As long as the family continues to enable this behaviour nothing will change. Tough love is called for here.

phoenix Fri 28-Dec-18 17:41:39

If I may ask, what is this "investment arrangement?

Is it perhaps one that has been proven to be a scam, but he doesn't want to accept that he had been taken in?

Or has he not divulged any info?

H1954 Fri 28-Dec-18 17:52:02

Many thanks GN members, yes we know it's a scam but he won't accept it. Me and OH haven't parted with anything for some years and no longer do a food shop or even supply a Christmas hamper as the driving force behind all this now lives with FIL. OH and myself are applying tough love but of course we have no control over the rest of the family. FIL remortgaged the house and took out a huge loan to fund this ridiculous venture and became very friendly towards me recently when I inherited some cash from my side of the family, needless to say he got nothing!

Looks like it will be fun when he dies and the bank forclose on the property to pay off his loan and mortgage.

I guess I knew what the general opinion would be regarding my post but I really needed to vent, sorry!

phoenix Fri 28-Dec-18 18:13:25

If you know it's a scam, do you think that putting the evidence (newspaper reports etc) under his nose would have any effect? (Probably not, but might be worth a try.)

You say that "the driving force behind all this now lives with FIL"

Are you referring to a person?

H1954 Fri 28-Dec-18 18:22:58

Yes Phoenix, a person! And we have tried to make FIL see the light but he's in denial. He is adamant that a van will pull up outside the house laden with money. He even claims that he recently had a phone call one evening and the caller said they were having trouble finding the house! I'm thinking of printing some information off that I found on the internet regarding these scams and giving it to FIL and his lodger !

phoenix Fri 28-Dec-18 18:34:10

Ah, so another person is in the picture! So, what role so they play?

H1954 Fri 28-Dec-18 18:43:09

They're the person who was the instrumental in FIL getting into debt, borrowing hundreds and thousands of pounds from close friends on the pretext of getting more than double their money back and still continues to exploit the rest of the extended family. Me and my OH have parted with nothing apart from the cost of some food etc some time ago but I put a stop to that when "driving force" moved in.

agnurse Fri 28-Dec-18 19:09:10

It's unfortunate, but again, it's one of those situations where as long as he's cognitively intact he can spend his money as he wants. I think you've basically done everything you can - you've expressed your concern and stopped the gravy train. While it's frustrating and sad to see him waste his money, it's HIS money and he's still cognitively intact with control over his own affairs. The only way you could do something would be if he's not able to make his own decisions, in which case you could contact Adult Protective Services.

H1954 Fri 28-Dec-18 19:16:41

Agnurse, some time ago we did actually instigate an adult safeguarding referral on the grounds of financial abuse but when social care visited he denied at all and showed then the door!

Madgran77 Fri 28-Dec-18 19:31:03

I agree with agnurse!

This situation must be so frustrating for you HI954 flowers

Hilltopgran Fri 28-Dec-18 19:37:02

Can you contact trading standards in respect of the scam. It is possible that your FILs starting with dementia, our Mother was scammed for s large amount at a time before we realised she was no longer able to really mange her money. The more we said it was not right the more determined she was to carry on. I think you are right to be concerned, his behaviour seems to indicates that he is not able to work out consequence and the logical conclusion that he is not getting his money back.

holdingontometeeth Sat 29-Dec-18 10:29:37

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moxeyns Sat 29-Dec-18 10:31:03

Sympathies sad My father got caught up in one of these - buying complete rubbish from an overpriced catalogue because "his prize was on the way" - and we never managed to persuade him it was a scam. He wasted tens of thousands.
My father was a member of Mensa, happily married to his second wife, plenty of familial support around - and still they got him!

Margs Sat 29-Dec-18 10:33:49

Sounds as if this "investment arrangement" may well involve a (much younger) woman who's draining him financially dry, slowly but ruthlessly. Could this be the case?

He wouldn't be the first 'mature' guy to believe some gold digger who plies him with ridiculous flattery to crowbar his bank account open!

H1954 Sat 29-Dec-18 10:47:14

Not sure quite what you mean Holdingontomyteeth but this is certainly NOT in my imagination! Lots of posts have been very supportive and I thank all those GN members very much, in particularly those who have experienced similar situations. My OH and I visit, send greetings cards and check up on him from a health point of view but that is all! Thankfully, I was wise to this kind of thing before I met OH and was sceptical from the start, mainly because if something sounds to good to be true then it definitely is! There has never been a payout, just assurances that if he sends X amount via Western Union ( according to FIL) then the money will be paid out in 7 days etc etc. He even believed that he had to pay for an import licence for a pallet load of cash! Personally, I feel sorry that he got drawn into all this but he is STILL in denial and it's gone on for years.

Moving on from my rant, I sincerely hope that by reading this GN members will be on the alert for themselves, family members and friends. Of course, there is the old say "there's no such things as a free lunch"! Happy New Year to anyone reading this response, bless you all, and hang onto your cash !!!!!!

Grampie Sat 29-Dec-18 10:50:39


You are being reasonable and wise.

Avoid scammers like this and they may change their ways, but don’t hold your breath.

Magrithea Sat 29-Dec-18 11:01:13

H1954 How awful for you and OH! It is definitely a scam but how to get him to see that is the problem. there have often been articles on the news and BBC's Watchdog - could you find those and show him? Or contact Watchdog or local trading standards. The lodger seems to be behind this, is it a family member or just someone who lives with him?

I do hope you get this sorted!

Ladyinspain Sat 29-Dec-18 11:06:15

Could there be a little dementia creeping in here? His thoughts are just not realistic

Barmeyoldbat Sat 29-Dec-18 11:06:58

Its very, very hard to get people to change their minds when they are convinced they are right. Just as hard to get any help from Social Services in a Safe Guarding Meeting. They call it "people make bad decisions" I am battling with my own daughter (learning disabilities, disabled) who lives on her own with care to have her heating on and its not because of lack of money. It is freezing in her house and is becoming damp but nothing can be done. So now I have taken a step back and let her get on with it until something happens.

Hollydoilly10 Sat 29-Dec-18 11:17:29

If you suspect a scam I would report it to the police
Also stop providing food, money and other support as you are making it seem real to him and losing money too
If you keep doing what you have been doing expecting a different outcome it won’t change anything

holdingontometeeth Sat 29-Dec-18 11:25:03

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Mycatisahacker Sat 29-Dec-18 11:33:06

Can you contact the local police officer? Or trading standards? People of all ages get scammed. Nowt to do with dementure.