Double standard FIL

I think you should take some of the advice offered here get in touch with the police, Age Concern or Trading Standard or all 3 of necessary. Don't leave it, this is how these scammers get away with it.

Do you know where the requests for money are coming from ? can you find out from his telephone bills or his phone if it records numbers that have called ....or set up a recording device so you can know who is calling ...or look through his bin to see if he has evidence of someone asking for money. How well do you know this other person ...why don't you ask him.her DIRECTLY what they know about this ...and you can write to his Bank (with his account No) (I have done this in the past...they WILL NOT talk to you about a customer BUT if you say he is probably being scammed, and ask if they would keep a record of where monies are being paid then they should do so, The will not tell you, but if you post the letter registered post and ask for confirmation of receipt in writing from the Bank, or deliver the letter by hand and wait for a receipt, I think you will find they will keep an eye on the account) In my case, it was my (now ex) husband who was taking out fraudulent loans and 'signing' my name on them ...the Bank closed his account and asked for his cheque book back ...BUT I discovered he had opened a new bank account with a different bank ...never told him I knew, but wrote to the new Bank with evidence ....they were not able to communicate with me any details, but I asked for a letter acknowledging receipt which I got ....ha ha then he was furious as when he left me, he applied for a huge mortgage from his new Bank which was refused ....he blamed me (no idea why !) ...he got the money from somewhere, but then the house he bought was repossessed and he ended up in a b & b with his by then 4 children !!! ahhhh ......that was all I needed ! YOu have to be devious to find out anything without arousing suspicion ...how about 'discussing' with him how this van load of money is going to be spent ? ask him if he intends to use it for his future comfort, or is he planning on marrying this 'other person'......and has he made a Will so when the money arrives it will go to where he wants (as in NOT the other person !)....as they say, keep calm, carry on and do not buy food, or anything else and do not give him money ...simply say sweetly Sorry, can't afford it any more e

A very well considered post VIOLETTE
Can you let me know what you suggest?

Falling for a scam and making bad choices. Does not indicate a lack of capacity.

People are allowed to make bad choices. Even repeatedly. Nothing in the OP indicates that this scenario will meet the threshold for the FIL lacking capacity on this matter.

My ex-son-in-law recently sent over £12,000 to Africa, because his new 'bride-to-be' Julia needed the money to leave there to come and be with him. 'She' had sent photos, and he had spoken to her on the phone, however, after two minutes searching on the internet we found this same woman to actually be a model who has this happen to her constantly.

Her photos are so popular in scams that she has a webpage stating in big bold letters, plus a video of her stating that she never talks to men online, and everything she is booked in is done through her agent because of said scams.

Did this help us with my ex SIL?? did it heck. He is nearly 60, a clever man, has worked his whole life, yet he truly believes everything he gets sent, and you answer to one scam, and this opens the world up to a host of others.
He has sent so much money now to women hoping that he will meet 'the one' by doing this.
No amount of proof works, there is always a clever answer, a reason that it cannot be so, until we had to give up. He has lost his childrens love and respect over this because he has shunned them to keep talking to his new 'friends', whom have all told him that they will pay him back a hundred times over.

I have no idea where this will land him, all I know is is that you can only do so much when those you care for believe strangers and websites over family. It caused my grandaughter a whole heap of pain and agony, as she hated seeing him being taken for a ride, but alas, he told her that she was simply jealous he had found happiness. Sometimes, when people are falling, you either have to let them fall, or get crushed in the process. We have to let him fall now. Its sad, and hurts, but some folk just cannot see the woods for the trees.

I agree with Ladyinspain. If this man really believes a van will turn up laden with cash, I would be seriously worried about his state of mind.

If the police fraud department are contacted and even they say nothing can be done , then you have done all that you can and quite honestly have been a great DIL in caring as much as you have. But you then have to ( sadly) step back. My father did something like this legitimately and signed up as a backer.he fancied himself as a shares " dabbler" and there was nothing we could do. Needless to say he lost thousands but was still convinced that it would make him a fortune - there was little we could do. Keep your chin up and try not to be too frustrated.

H1954
When we ( myself and other DIL's ) say that we're worried about him he simply tells us to butt out, we are not family and it's none of our business! On occasion we have noticed a shortage of food in his larder so regularly do a food shop, we take him out for meals and we are constantly subsidising him.

Why are the daughters in law the ones who are approaching him about this? Where are his sons? Don’t they have anything to say? And you say we have noticed and we are constantly subsidising him. Who is “we”? Is this the daughters in law you previously mentioned? Or you and your husband? Because you then go on in another post to say Me and OH haven't parted with anything for some years and no longer do a food shop, which is at odd with constantly subsidising him.

And although you’ve given a “teaser” by saying that the driving force behind all this now lives with FIL, you’ve not clarified who this person is, or if there is an intimate relationship between them, although you do refer to them as his “lodger”. And say they are the “driving force” which has been instrumental in your FIL borrowing hundred and thousands of pounds from friends and family. Do none of these friends/family have anything to say to him? Have they asking him for their money back, or have they been drawn into the same scam and are also awaiting the arrival of the van laden with cash?

It seems strange that H1954 hasn’t been back to add any further information or respond to any other posts since holdingontometeeth “called them” on it.

But if this is a genuine concern, then as others have said, a call to the police and to trading standards should be the first move, I think. Have you done any research into the background of the “lodger” – how did they come into FIL’s life? I think ultimately, you and the other daughters in law should be giving your respective husbands some serious kicks up the rear end. It’s their father who is being scammed for all this money, and they who should be taking more proactive steps to protect him and whatever little money he has left. The reference to Western Union is the biggest red flag to me, as I know this means of money transfer has been used in numerous scams in the past.

Couldn't agree more with you notanan2.

Its hard to comment on this frustrating situation without knowing whether the "lodger" who instigated this scheme is the sole beneficiary of it and what kind of relationship your FIL has with this person. Is there some reason FIL would give them money because he's scared they will otherwise leave?

If FIL is a normal, intelligently functioning person, how is it possible for he himself to believe the fantastic story he is telling you?

I also have to wonder if there is something else going on here, such as a gambling addiction

In any case, as has been said, if he's in his right mind he can behave in whatever daft manner he chooses. I was relieved to see that you're not giving in to his demands.

I do hope you will be able to turn your back on the whole thing and remain as uninvolved as is possible.

I am trying to . Honest!

This is very sad. I think you may or his NOK may need to talk to someone about this. Start by phoning Age Concern, they might have someone who can advise you. Your FIL might be being arrogant, because he is frightened.
www.acfe.com/fraud-examiner

Even the most intelligent people can get sucked in and scammed by schemes that seem obviously bogus. A close friend of mine is being hoodwinked by a man who she claims is a millionaire. Nothing she tells me about him adds up but when I try to question it a bit further she just says I'm a very cynical person. She has fallen out with all her children (to whom she used to be very close) over this. It is very difficult when someone of their own free will hands over money even if everyone believes it to be a scam and too good to be true. The only thing to do is to be like H1954 and not give any money. It is a very sad and frustrating situation but I doubt that the police or any other authority will be interest unless FIL complains in person.

Nothing she tells me about him adds up but when I try to question it a bit further she just says I'm a very cynical person. She has fallen out with all her children (to whom she used to be very close) over this

With a lot of these scams the first step is to plant seeds that imply that your loved ones don't get it or don't care or have other motives, or that most people are sheep who dont have the vision to see the potential in the scam, or that other people are negative and will drag you down. So that if down the line they question the scam, you have already been primed to not take it the way it was intended.

MaggieMay69 - that is so sad - we read all the time about people who scam lonely people who are desperate for love and companionship.

Don’t know if the police would help or not. At one time I was meant to be having work done in the garden, paid a person to do it,took all my stuff from the shed and shredded a piece of wood,said his machine had broken and he would have to come back another day. Every couple of days he would be knocking on the door for more and more money and bringing some quite hefty men with him, I don’t have a lot of money but both my husband and I received disability payments,that and other money he took over a period of time he took over a thousand pounds, if I was out he would even stop me in the street and being scared I would hand it over. I had informed our pcso who told me I should write down each time he called,one day he came through the back and went off on my daughters bike at that point she told me not to answer the door and call the police next time which I did but because I had handed the money over with no actual threat they couldn’t do anything and was told to get onto trading standards and they couldn’t help either

Trading Standards is now no longer a separate number and has been 'amalgamated' with Citizen's Advice. If CA think the problem needs referring to TS they will put you through.
I think that anyone who hands over money without a receipt and a clear, written outline of the work to be tackled plus a time frame, needs to re-assess their thought processes.
To be asked for money and intimidated on the doorstep and in the street, without any work being completed or reasons given as to why more is needed or receipts for past payments, is the fault of the payer.
Telling a psco is next to useless.
I really can't understand people who expect things to change, when they themselves are facilitating the actions that cause them misery.

I guess not every one has your confidence or self belief to stand their ground in such circumstances, GG.
The only person who ever tried it on with me soon found he wasn't getting away with it. I kept up arguing with him whilst my Dad rang the police. He was soon sent on his way and no money changed hands!

I agree icanhandthemback
I find it frustrating to hear of people who, when they (the vast majority) have internet, tv, radio and newspapers plus AC who can warn the unwary, still ignore all advice and believe everything they are told via any medium.
IMO, age has nothing to do with it as long as you're compos mentis.
In the case I referred to I really do feel for her but, she must have dealt with money matters in her young and middle years and surely knows about references and making sure money is accounted for etc.
Again...I wish that women were taught to be confident and know how to deal with intimidating scenarios.
Maybe it's just different personalities.
One of my AC won't 'do confrontation, even mildly. I left a present with someone who was staying at my AC's house overnight but the AC never got it. When asked if they'd tackled the 'houseguest' about it I was annoyed to hear a 'No, and don't you say anything either'.
That person is very well known in certain circles and I wish I'd ignored my AC's request to keep schtum.
I'm a peaceable person but will stand firm when necessary, however, I'm now a bit clearer as to who on GN is more likely to be really upset by an abrupt or ill-considered reply.

I am a 38 year old gran - my partner is 11 years older and has 4 grown up children, 3 of which have children of their own, and both parents of the AC still have their parents

It must be so hard to step back when a family member is obviously being scammed.
My Dad was targeted a couple of times, I caught a couple of guys in his garage, mixing a bit of cement, they said they were fixing a ridge tile. I told them to pack up and get their van off my Dad's drive before I called the Police and they scarpered.
But, there was one insidious guy who my Dad handed £200 to on a regular basis, to apparently trim a tree.
Even though my Dad had a gardener who came every week and trimmed his shrubs once a year, I could not get him to stop paying this man who did nothing.
I pleaded with him to telephone me the next time, so I could drive up and catch him but he never did. Just told me later, that the man had knocked on his kitchen window and the tree was trimmed.
My Dad was fully compos mentis, was still driving, went out for lunch every day, paid his own bills, shopped and generally cared for himself and was extremely careful with his money and yet, he still paid these men.
Very frustrating but I think that he was scared of them and just paid them to make them go away.