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....too be a bit annoyed?

(89 Posts)
Flaxseed Thu 10-Jan-19 23:37:05

Divorced with 2 DD’s and 1 DGS
Partner divorced with 3 children.
All children at various stages, uni/work/starting family
We don’t live together but are, I like to think, a pretty solid couple. We sometimes touch on the subject of living together but we are both used to and like, the space that living apart gives us. It makes our time together really special.
When we first met, one of DP’s dreams was to retire to another country, or at least move into a rural part of Britain.
At first I accepted that we may not last, as I have never been prepared to do this, but obviously wouldn’t have wanted him to give up his dream for me.
But as time has passed , he’s spoken about it less and less and has become quite involved with life in his (semi rural ) village and is very settled there.

Just before Xmas, he said he had been chatting to his DD about her mother’s (DP’s ex wife) recently failed relationship.
They (apparently lightheartedly hmm) got onto the subject of our relationship and told me that his DD had said she was ‘concerned’ that ultimately we wanted different things so does wonder how it will work for us

I don’t think he realised how hurt I would feel about the comment but there was no time to discuss it at that time. So, in true Flaxseed style, I let it eat away at me for a few days.
Until yesterday I had pretty much forgotten about it as we had a lovely time over the festive season and have spent a lot of time planning lovely things to do this year.
So, last night we were out with DP’s extended family & children and same DD brings up the subject and said ‘well Dad wants to buy a place in (fav country) don’t you Dad?’
DP kindly looked my way and said ‘I don’t think Flaxseed wants to though’
Feeling embarrassed, I said I’d compromise on a holiday home.
I then saw DD say quietly to DP ‘just do it’

It’s made me very unsettled today. If it’s something he really wants to do then I would’nt stand in his way but I feel he may be influenced into doing it by her.
I thought I got on well with her but now I feel that she actually doesn’t actually like me that much.

I couldn’t speak to DP last night as I was returning home earlier than the rest of them due to a long shift today.

I do plan to discuss it at the weekend though.

Am I overthinking this?
Would anyone else feel a bit pee’d off?
Am I just too sensitive?! blush

sazz1 Fri 11-Jan-19 10:43:19

Perhaps he has confided in her that he really wants to move but doesn't want to end your relationship. And is upset about being caught in a catch 22 situation. Then maybe she thought you needed to know this.

mabon1 Fri 11-Jan-19 10:44:20

Stop pussyfooting around and sort it out once and for all then get on with your life.

Izabella Fri 11-Jan-19 11:03:56

Welcome Flaxseed. I can thoroughly understand you feeling wobbly with all of this. Sadly, I personally feel it is normal behaviour in blended or refashioned families through my own experiences. Lovely though the DD is she will always take the 'side' of her parents and although other posters disagree with this, it does seem reading between the lines that she is quite skilfully dividing the players to her own agenda.

Good luck with your discussions with your partner. I suggest you find out how he really feels before making any decisions on your next move. Good luck.

Matriarch Fri 11-Jan-19 11:04:03

This is really a discussion about hopes and dreams for the future which you need to have . Your DP , having just retired will have been thinking about “what next ?”It’s for the two of you to decide - no one else . I’m sure you can work it out - you obviously mean a lot to each other .

JanaNana Fri 11-Jan-19 11:05:29

As others have pointed out, there could be several reasons why his daughter has involved herself in this. Maybe the compromise of a holiday home in the area your partner likes could work for both of you initially, with the possibility of it turning into a permanent home eventually for both of you if you are willing to live together at some stage.

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 11:22:52

I am not pussyfooting around.

I had to leave the gathering early on Wednesday and also wanted other opinions, the majority of which have been very helpful

Izabella Fri 11-Jan-19 11:28:37

But you are not pussyfooting around. You have already told us you are planning to discuss this at the weekend. You hopefully have quite a few ideas and points of view to add to that discussion.

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 11:31:06

I agree. Blending families is not easy.
One of the reasons we live apart is because of the whole minefield of problems sorting properties/living together/getting married would bring.
I have two friends, who despite loving their new partners dearly, regularly encounter issues.

Cambia Fri 11-Jan-19 11:31:58

Can you compromise and afford a holiday home? You could then spend weeks abroad mixed with time in the UK?
You sound as though both of you are willing to compromise and understand each other’s dreams, so hopefully you will sort it out x

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 11:33:42

izabella Thanks. Posting here has really helped

Ilovecheese Fri 11-Jan-19 11:58:23

You are right that you need to talk to him about this, but another possibility is that although he thought he would want to move abroad in later life, now that the time is getting closer he is going off the idea and doesn't want to admit to having cold feet so is using you as his excuse for not actually moving.

You say he has become more at home and settled where he lives now.

His daughter (and possibly her mother) could have been discussing what he has said he wanted in the past, not what he actually wants now.

Nanny123 Fri 11-Jan-19 12:00:51

We moved about 12 years to another country and I absolutely hated it, although my DH loved it. I missed family and friends so much, I was isolated, couldn’t find work and lived in the middle of the countryside where out nearest town was a round trip of 50 miles. The health care system was awful and worrying as we were both getting towards 60. With DH blessing we moved back “home” again 2 years ago and I couldn’t be happier. My advice is you do decided to move abroad, research, visit (although visiting is like a holiday and nothing like living there) and make sure you are doing it because YOU want to and not because you feel pressurised into it. Good luck.

GoldenAge Fri 11-Jan-19 12:17:55

Flaxseed you are not being unreasonable to be upset at the behaviour of DP's daughter especially as you thought you had a good relationship with her and she now appears to be egging DP on to doing something that you are not on board with. She can only be doing this to put your commitment to each other to the test and I see that as meddling in the relationship. So my next question would be, why does she want to cause difficulties for you and my tentative answer is that perhaps she has never really accepted the break up of her parents' marriage and would like to pave the way for a reunion of some kind now that her mother is no longer in a relationship. She may feel sorry for her mother rather than feeling sorry for the fact that her father's dream of life in another country is being kept as a dream because you're not 100% behind. I know you don't want to lose him, but this daughter is not going to go away and if she's threatening your relationship now she will continue to do so. I would therefore, have an open and honest discussion with him about where your relationship is genuinely going, and make it plain that you're hurt by the daughter's apparent two-faced approach. I wonder how she would react if the tables were turned?

EllanVannin Fri 11-Jan-19 12:26:14

It sounds to me that " living abroad " isn't what he really and truthfully wants. Because he's being influenced/encouraged to do so by his daughter it's setting up a confusion within him that is going against the true feelings he has for you and feels he also has to appease his daughter . The poor man feels obligated towards the two of you.
If the truth be known, he'd much rather stay put where he is and he'd be quite happy to do so if he had the courage to stand on his own two feet and tell his daughter straight to butt out as it's now his life and his future to do what he likes with and spend it with the woman he now loves.

ReadyMeals Fri 11-Jan-19 12:26:24

Not saying anyone's unreasonable or anything - I mean you're all entitled to want different things with no blame attached. But the way I see it purely objectively, is that for one reason or another a commitment has not ever been made and you're actually nothing more than very close dear friends who by virtue of your opposite gender coupled with (presumably) heterosexuality, have also a sexual element to your relationship. Now I have a very dear friend, best friend from schooldays, who I bear in mind when making life decisions and also was a reason I didn't move once when all else was equal, and it didn't affect anyone else. However it is very much tacitly understood that because we have never committed to being anything other than dear friends, our families have first dibs on us. In this situation, hurtful as it must have felt at the time, the daughter was perfectly in order to read the situation as she did. Had you actually become a full domestic unit then she would have been out of order to suggest something that would only suit one of you.

FountainPen Fri 11-Jan-19 12:37:30

There is only one way to find out what is really going on and that's to sit down with him and talk it through. Forget what his daughter is saying and try not to bring that into the conversation. Only you and he know what you each want individually and what you would like to have in the future as a couple.

win Fri 11-Jan-19 12:41:57

Me too saraC

Shazmo24 Fri 11-Jan-19 12:50:05

Just talk to him & ask him outright if he feels that you are stopping him from moving?
It sounds as though you are still working so a holiday home in said country would make a good compromise if funds allow it

ReadyMeals Fri 11-Jan-19 13:02:53

Or, you could let him move there and join him for holidays? After a couple of weeks actually under the same roof you might be relieved you didn't move together!

Jaycee5 Fri 11-Jan-19 13:11:23

I don't think you are overthinking it. She obviously meant you to take it the way that you have.
You have to speak to him about it. Sometimes people want the dream but not necessarily the reality and you need to know which it is.
My cousins were always talking about going to Australia (where the wife's father was from so she has dual nationality). Their marriage went through a really bad patch of over a year and it was quite difficult to be around them as they would moan about each other to me. Then he told me that he had told her that he didn't want to go to Australia. His mother and his life is here. Next time I saw them, they were like a totally different couple and were getting along perfectly. She accepted it really easily but he spent all that time worrying about telling her.
He probably does still talk about the place he wants to go to but it doesn't mean that he wants to give everything up for it.
It may be that the daughter is getting a bit jealousy as your relationship with her father lasts and gets stronger. He also probably still talks about his dream to her so she may genuinely feel that you are killing it. He's the only one that can resolve it and hopefully he will be clear with her too.

Tweedle24 Fri 11-Jan-19 13:28:10

I think, as others have already said, that the important thing is to talk to each other about it; just the two if you, You are bottling it up and it will only get worse. Bringing it out into the open is the only way forward.

Bridgeit Fri 11-Jan-19 13:33:56

Taking a practical approach, is it possible /viable to trial living there for 6 month so both of you can get a feel for it & establish what your true feelings are, good luck

Chucky Fri 11-Jan-19 14:49:10

If you really love and want to be with this man, you must be willing to compromise. Saying it’s you way or no way (not meant nastily) really is only considering your feelings. Perhaps if you could get some extended leave you could at least try his suggestion. Or he could go over there himself for a year and you could occasionally visit. The separation might make you both realise what really matters and could help you both in deciding the way forward.
However, if you agree to try something like this, please go into it with an open mind and not pre-conceived ideals.

M0nica Fri 11-Jan-19 15:40:03

Could the cause be that your partner's daughter is worried that you two are getting very close and that she is worried that if you decided to marry, it could affect any inheritance she would get at a later date?

I do not mean that she is being greedy or grasping, but most of us who have had parents who are house owners, have always known, underneath, that barring the need to pay for care, we will one day inherit a sum of money. It is not just money it is often family items of sentimental value and there have been stories enough of children being cut out completely as the result of a second marriage, and not just loosing the money from their parent's estate but not even being able to retrieve family photographs or minor items of sentimental value.

breeze Fri 11-Jan-19 16:10:23

Agree with SaraC.

My first thought after reading your post was she may have seen a chink of light shining through that her parents could get back together. Especially as she's been polite and quiet previously and has nothing to gain by her father moving abroad.

As others have said, a heart to heart with your partner is advisable. He may have to be cajoled into telling you what he really thinks but it's upsetting you and worthy of an honest open discussion.

A lot of people, especially after retirement when you realise your options are running out, talk about things they would like to do. The dreams they have or had. Actually going ahead and doing that and moving away from family and friends is often difficult to do. He may have realised since meeting you that those dreams aren't so important anymore and he would rather have your company than move abroad and be lonely and missing you. Your compromise of a holiday home sounds ideal.