Gransnet forums

....too be a bit annoyed?

(88 Posts)
Flaxseed Thu 10-Jan-19 23:37:05

Background...
Divorced with 2 DD’s and 1 DGS
Partner divorced with 3 children.
All children at various stages, uni/work/starting family
We don’t live together but are, I like to think, a pretty solid couple. We sometimes touch on the subject of living together but we are both used to and like, the space that living apart gives us. It makes our time together really special.
When we first met, one of DP’s dreams was to retire to another country, or at least move into a rural part of Britain.
At first I accepted that we may not last, as I have never been prepared to do this, but obviously wouldn’t have wanted him to give up his dream for me.
But as time has passed , he’s spoken about it less and less and has become quite involved with life in his (semi rural ) village and is very settled there.

Just before Xmas, he said he had been chatting to his DD about her mother’s (DP’s ex wife) recently failed relationship.
They (apparently lightheartedly hmm) got onto the subject of our relationship and told me that his DD had said she was ‘concerned’ that ultimately we wanted different things so does wonder how it will work for us
confused

I don’t think he realised how hurt I would feel about the comment but there was no time to discuss it at that time. So, in true Flaxseed style, I let it eat away at me for a few days.
Until yesterday I had pretty much forgotten about it as we had a lovely time over the festive season and have spent a lot of time planning lovely things to do this year.
So, last night we were out with DP’s extended family & children and same DD brings up the subject and said ‘well Dad wants to buy a place in (fav country) don’t you Dad?’
DP kindly looked my way and said ‘I don’t think Flaxseed wants to though’
Feeling embarrassed, I said I’d compromise on a holiday home.
I then saw DD say quietly to DP ‘just do it’

It’s made me very unsettled today. If it’s something he really wants to do then I would’nt stand in his way but I feel he may be influenced into doing it by her.
I thought I got on well with her but now I feel that she actually doesn’t actually like me that much.

I couldn’t speak to DP last night as I was returning home earlier than the rest of them due to a long shift today.

I do plan to discuss it at the weekend though.

Am I overthinking this?
Would anyone else feel a bit pee’d off?
Am I just too sensitive?! blush

mrsnonsmoker Thu 10-Jan-19 23:43:58

Evening Flax - no you're not too sensitive at all! That would really get to me. Its for you two to sort out or he can decide and be truthful about it, painful as that might be, but its not for his DD to be persuading or helping him, particularly rude of her to bring it up like that.

I am assuming he is someone who can normally discuss things rationally in which case I'd come to the same conclusion - that the DD doesn't like you and is trying to make out you are somehow standing in his way.

MissAdventure Thu 10-Jan-19 23:46:24

I would be upset and angry, too, on so many levels.

harrigran Thu 10-Jan-19 23:56:59

I can't help but think that DP's DD may have an agenda as in her Dad having a home abroad that would be ideal for her to be able to go for holidays.

holdingontometeeth Thu 10-Jan-19 23:57:19

I would look on the bright side of life. Things can only get better.

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 00:04:38

Thanks for understanding ladies.

The thing is - she is intending to work abroad - nowhere near the country DP would want to live hmm
She has lots of plans which certainly don’t include DP, which leads me to believe than her recent comments are to make him question our future.
One of her other ‘concerns’ is that I have a DGS.
Which apparently makes us too different. confused

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 00:07:37

holdingontometeeth
They could also get a whole lot worse hmm.

If he’s influenced by her and we split up it would break my heart!

It took a long time to find him!

MissAdventure Fri 11-Jan-19 00:08:24

She's had plenty to say, then, obviously.
Is this all just in their recent chat, do you think?
Anything to do with her mums break up with her partner?

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 00:09:31

harrigran she could still have a holiday abroad if he had a holiday home. smile

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 00:11:13

missadventure
It has only been since her mums break up as far as I know.

She’s normally so quiet and lovely confused

MissAdventure Fri 11-Jan-19 00:13:22

Oh, that must hurt then, to think she may have been harbouring these feelings.
Plus its annoying that she felt it her place to point out all these 'obstacles',

Maggiemaybe Fri 11-Jan-19 00:46:12

What a shame, Flaxseed. It’s not your DP’s DD’s place to stick her oar in like this and I can well understand that you’ve been upset by it. Just sit down and have a heart to heart with your DP this weekend and find out what he really wants to do. You sound like a well-matched couple and I’m sure you’ll work things out.

BlueBelle Fri 11-Jan-19 03:53:22

I m sorry that this has upset you so much and can see how it would , but as a total stranger I ll play devils advocate and say I guess she’s looking out for her Dad he must have said that he wanted to live there to her or why else would she say that, surely you dont really feel she made it up to be vindictive as she only repeated what you already knew but has been buried under a warm blanket. You say you have always got on well with her and she’s a lovely girl so it doesn’t sound as if she is normally an ‘ interferer’

I suppose if you’re not married and don’t live together and have different outlooks about later life one of you is going to have to make a big sacrifice either him to not follow his dream sand stay with you, or you to not follow your dream and go with him or find a compromise you can both live with
I really don’t think you can blame the daughter he must have been discussing it with her for her to know his dreams I think you are quite right that you have to sit down and have a solid discussion with him and decide which one of you is going to make the ultimate sacrifice and how you can manage the situation
What a worry and what a shame I sincerely hope it works out for you both

Grammaretto Fri 11-Jan-19 06:56:04

I tend towards agreeing with BlueBelle. From what you say, you and he have decided not to make the conventional big commitment of settling down and getting married/living together and as time passes and other things happen I'm not surprised that people comment and speculate about how the future will pan out.
His DD is trying to push her father into making a decision, to hurry things up, in my opinion. So yes you ABU at least somewhat, to think she is doing this because she dislikes you. It's because she loves her dad.
I hope things work out for you all. I like the idea of the holiday home!

BradfordLass72 Fri 11-Jan-19 07:20:27

First of all, well done you two for acknowledging that things wouldn't be as good between you if you lived under one roof. So many people now find this is a better option.

I wonder if, when daughter has said, 'So how are the plans going for you to settle in Timbucktoo?' He has avoided the issue by saying, 'I've put that aside now, Flaxseed's not keen.'
She's then got on her protective horse and decided to force the issue by mentioning it in public.

He may or may not want to up sticks but it seems you can be honest with one another and discuss it rationally.
There could be a compromise, depending on the residency laws of the country concerned, he could rent his house and go for 6 months or so, long enough to see if that's what he really wants.
This has two things in its favour: it gives him chance to miss you like heck smile and find out if actually living there is as good as he thinks - all too often it isn't.

Either way, in the end i'ts his decision and you know, I'm sure that making him stay will cause resentment.

I hope it all goes well at the weekend. flowers

DoraMarr Fri 11-Jan-19 07:22:51

Have a talk with him this weekend and, without criticising his daughter, tell him how disconcerted d her comment made you feel. I don’t think this is anything to do with your status. I recall a couple of other threads on here from long- married women who were upset because their husbands wanted to move and they didn’t. If he has always wanted to live in a particular place, could you try a long term rental of two or three months, either with him or with him moving and you visiting? That way he would get to know the area and see what it is like to live there rather than visit on holiday. The reality of living abroad, especially out of season, and with no family or friends, often falls short of the dream. Perhaps then he will compromise on a holiday home, if he can afford it.
I’m in a LAT relationship too, and it suits us.

H1954 Fri 11-Jan-19 07:41:18

Yes, I would be upset and angry too! Can't help suspecting that this DD is hankering after a cheap "holiday home" in the guise of visiting her father during the year.

NfkDumpling Fri 11-Jan-19 07:55:40

It sounds to me as if your DP hasn’t mentioned moving as he knew how much it would upset you, but inside really wants to give it a go. He really does care about you a lot.

Much would depend on where and how far away he wants to move. If you live in Kent and he yearns for northern France, it may well be quite doable. If you’re in mid-Wales and he wants to move to the USA mid-west it’s more of a challenge!

I agree with Dora. The reality often doesn’t live up to the dream. But the dream can eat away like a canker if he doesn’t give it a go.

dragonfly46 Fri 11-Jan-19 07:57:13

I think his DD is just looking out for her Dad. She has seen how upset her Mum has been over the breakup and doesn’t want her Dad to have the same.

It is time to have the discussion about what you both want and not bury your heads in the sand anymore. If you sort it out now it will save any resentments building up and destroying what you have at a later date. It will also give you both the opportunity to work out what you both actually do want.

Yes it is scary but has to be done and don’t mention his daughters part in this, she has just brought it to a head. It seems to me that when he mentioned to you what his daughter had said he was sounding you out.

I send you best wishes.

petra Fri 11-Jan-19 08:22:33

I see two scenarios here:
Your partners daughter has been listening to her father go on and on about how he wants to move abroad but is worried about upsetting you. So at the get together thought:
I've had enough of this, let's just get it all out in the open.
Or, he asked her to bring up the subject because he just can't.

BlueBelle Fri 11-Jan-19 08:26:14

at first I accepted we may not last as I have never been prepared to do this
Read that sentence again never and think -where is the give and take? you sound a very reasonable and sensible lady but what you are saying is I won’t stop you following your dream but I will never go with you, so maybe knowing there is no movement may be the reason why he has talked to his daughter, he obviously wants to be with you but is sad at losing his dream I think you really must stop blaming his daughter she can only have an opinion if he tells her about the situation, and then really think of how you can compromise so you get to keep your man and he gets a taste of his own dream which in fairness to him you have known about since day one and have buried in the comfort of him not pestering you about it
Very disingenerus comment ^H1954 The daughter has her own plans for working/ travelling etc nothing to suggest she needs cheap holidays
I think it is important that you get comments to look at both sides of the story and this post is not meant unkindly

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 09:51:04

I am so glad I started this thread, what a wise lot you all are.

I still have 5 years until I retire and that’s if I can actually afford to retire at that point! So couldn’t go even if I wanted to. Oh! That’s reminded me of one of her other ‘concerns’ I work full time - he recently took early retirement.

Seeing it written down, I can see that she does probably think I am holding him back and that’s fair enough - she’s entitled to her opinion.

I definitely need to talk to him at the weekend and will ask him to be totally honest with me.
Thanks everyone thanks

SaraC Fri 11-Jan-19 10:23:54

I see another angle to this. You talk about DP’s ex-wife’s relationship breaking down recently. I wonder whether his ex-wife has talked to DD about possibly re-establishing a relationship with DP if you weren’t on the scene. No matter how old a child is, on some level they nearly always hope that there will be some kind of magical healing, transformation or change which will bring their Mum and Dad back together again. It may be that DD isn’t even aware of what she is doing. Maybe, if she is planning on living and working abroad, she is concerned that her Mum will be on her own and feels some degree of guilt about this. Whatever else, please don’t allow DP’s daughter to intrude, or give unsolicited opinions or advice. You and DP have your lives, she has hers. Each needs to respect the other. Don’t let her spoil what sounds like a delightful and companionable later life relationship.

Urmstongran Fri 11-Jan-19 10:33:50

My mum was widowed at 45y and at 60y met someone lovely. He had intended to retire to his childhood house up past Inverness. Mum was Manchester born and bred & definitely didn’t want to retire to Scotland. So she told him that. She had daughters and grandchildren. He had neither.
Mum hadn’t fudged. But telling him straight was only fair in her opinion.
He had the choice.
And chose her - they were married for 26y until her death last year.
My second dad is 86y now. And still has his house ‘up there’.

Flaxseed Fri 11-Jan-19 10:37:21

saraC - that has crossed my mind too.

Having had parents who are still together after 55 years I have no idea how it feels and I expect I would secretly hope they would be a reconciliation.