....too be a bit annoyed?

Flaxseed you are not being unreasonable to be upset at the behaviour of DP's daughter especially as you thought you had a good relationship with her and she now appears to be egging DP on to doing something that you are not on board with. She can only be doing this to put your commitment to each other to the test and I see that as meddling in the relationship. So my next question would be, why does she want to cause difficulties for you and my tentative answer is that perhaps she has never really accepted the break up of her parents' marriage and would like to pave the way for a reunion of some kind now that her mother is no longer in a relationship. She may feel sorry for her mother rather than feeling sorry for the fact that her father's dream of life in another country is being kept as a dream because you're not 100% behind. I know you don't want to lose him, but this daughter is not going to go away and if she's threatening your relationship now she will continue to do so. I would therefore, have an open and honest discussion with him about where your relationship is genuinely going, and make it plain that you're hurt by the daughter's apparent two-faced approach. I wonder how she would react if the tables were turned?

We moved about 12 years to another country and I absolutely hated it, although my DH loved it. I missed family and friends so much, I was isolated, couldn’t find work and lived in the middle of the countryside where out nearest town was a round trip of 50 miles. The health care system was awful and worrying as we were both getting towards 60. With DH blessing we moved back “home” again 2 years ago and I couldn’t be happier. My advice is you do decided to move abroad, research, visit (although visiting is like a holiday and nothing like living there) and make sure you are doing it because YOU want to and not because you feel pressurised into it. Good luck.

You are right that you need to talk to him about this, but another possibility is that although he thought he would want to move abroad in later life, now that the time is getting closer he is going off the idea and doesn't want to admit to having cold feet so is using you as his excuse for not actually moving.

You say he has become more at home and settled where he lives now.

His daughter (and possibly her mother) could have been discussing what he has said he wanted in the past, not what he actually wants now.

izabella Thanks. Posting here has really helped

Can you compromise and afford a holiday home? You could then spend weeks abroad mixed with time in the UK?
You sound as though both of you are willing to compromise and understand each other’s dreams, so hopefully you will sort it out x

Izabella
I agree. Blending families is not easy.
One of the reasons we live apart is because of the whole minefield of problems sorting properties/living together/getting married would bring.
I have two friends, who despite loving their new partners dearly, regularly encounter issues.

But you are not pussyfooting around. You have already told us you are planning to discuss this at the weekend. You hopefully have quite a few ideas and points of view to add to that discussion.

mabon
I am not pussyfooting around.

I had to leave the gathering early on Wednesday and also wanted other opinions, the majority of which have been very helpful

As others have pointed out, there could be several reasons why his daughter has involved herself in this. Maybe the compromise of a holiday home in the area your partner likes could work for both of you initially, with the possibility of it turning into a permanent home eventually for both of you if you are willing to live together at some stage.

This is really a discussion about hopes and dreams for the future which you need to have . Your DP , having just retired will have been thinking about “what next ?”It’s for the two of you to decide - no one else . I’m sure you can work it out - you obviously mean a lot to each other .

Welcome Flaxseed. I can thoroughly understand you feeling wobbly with all of this. Sadly, I personally feel it is normal behaviour in blended or refashioned families through my own experiences. Lovely though the DD is she will always take the 'side' of her parents and although other posters disagree with this, it does seem reading between the lines that she is quite skilfully dividing the players to her own agenda.

Good luck with your discussions with your partner. I suggest you find out how he really feels before making any decisions on your next move. Good luck.

Stop pussyfooting around and sort it out once and for all then get on with your life.

Perhaps he has confided in her that he really wants to move but doesn't want to end your relationship. And is upset about being caught in a catch 22 situation. Then maybe she thought you needed to know this.

saraC - that has crossed my mind too.

Having had parents who are still together after 55 years I have no idea how it feels and I expect I would secretly hope they would be a reconciliation.

My mum was widowed at 45y and at 60y met someone lovely. He had intended to retire to his childhood house up past Inverness. Mum was Manchester born and bred & definitely didn’t want to retire to Scotland. So she told him that. She had daughters and grandchildren. He had neither.
Mum hadn’t fudged. But telling him straight was only fair in her opinion.
He had the choice.
And chose her - they were married for 26y until her death last year.
My second dad is 86y now. And still has his house ‘up there’.

I see another angle to this. You talk about DP’s ex-wife’s relationship breaking down recently. I wonder whether his ex-wife has talked to DD about possibly re-establishing a relationship with DP if you weren’t on the scene. No matter how old a child is, on some level they nearly always hope that there will be some kind of magical healing, transformation or change which will bring their Mum and Dad back together again. It may be that DD isn’t even aware of what she is doing. Maybe, if she is planning on living and working abroad, she is concerned that her Mum will be on her own and feels some degree of guilt about this. Whatever else, please don’t allow DP’s daughter to intrude, or give unsolicited opinions or advice. You and DP have your lives, she has hers. Each needs to respect the other. Don’t let her spoil what sounds like a delightful and companionable later life relationship.

I am so glad I started this thread, what a wise lot you all are.

I still have 5 years until I retire and that’s if I can actually afford to retire at that point! So couldn’t go even if I wanted to. Oh! That’s reminded me of one of her other ‘concerns’ I work full time - he recently took early retirement.

Seeing it written down, I can see that she does probably think I am holding him back and that’s fair enough - she’s entitled to her opinion.

I definitely need to talk to him at the weekend and will ask him to be totally honest with me.
Thanks everyone

at first I accepted we may not last as I have never been prepared to do this
Read that sentence again never and think -where is the give and take? you sound a very reasonable and sensible lady but what you are saying is I won’t stop you following your dream but I will never go with you, so maybe knowing there is no movement may be the reason why he has talked to his daughter, he obviously wants to be with you but is sad at losing his dream I think you really must stop blaming his daughter she can only have an opinion if he tells her about the situation, and then really think of how you can compromise so you get to keep your man and he gets a taste of his own dream which in fairness to him you have known about since day one and have buried in the comfort of him not pestering you about it
Very disingenerus comment ^H1954 The daughter has her own plans for working/ travelling etc nothing to suggest she needs cheap holidays
I think it is important that you get comments to look at both sides of the story and this post is not meant unkindly

I see two scenarios here:
Your partners daughter has been listening to her father go on and on about how he wants to move abroad but is worried about upsetting you. So at the get together thought:
I've had enough of this, let's just get it all out in the open.
Or, he asked her to bring up the subject because he just can't.

I think his DD is just looking out for her Dad. She has seen how upset her Mum has been over the breakup and doesn’t want her Dad to have the same.

It is time to have the discussion about what you both want and not bury your heads in the sand anymore. If you sort it out now it will save any resentments building up and destroying what you have at a later date. It will also give you both the opportunity to work out what you both actually do want.

Yes it is scary but has to be done and don’t mention his daughters part in this, she has just brought it to a head. It seems to me that when he mentioned to you what his daughter had said he was sounding you out.

I send you best wishes.

It sounds to me as if your DP hasn’t mentioned moving as he knew how much it would upset you, but inside really wants to give it a go. He really does care about you a lot.

Much would depend on where and how far away he wants to move. If you live in Kent and he yearns for northern France, it may well be quite doable. If you’re in mid-Wales and he wants to move to the USA mid-west it’s more of a challenge!

I agree with Dora. The reality often doesn’t live up to the dream. But the dream can eat away like a canker if he doesn’t give it a go.

Yes, I would be upset and angry too! Can't help suspecting that this DD is hankering after a cheap "holiday home" in the guise of visiting her father during the year.

Have a talk with him this weekend and, without criticising his daughter, tell him how disconcerted d her comment made you feel. I don’t think this is anything to do with your status. I recall a couple of other threads on here from long- married women who were upset because their husbands wanted to move and they didn’t. If he has always wanted to live in a particular place, could you try a long term rental of two or three months, either with him or with him moving and you visiting? That way he would get to know the area and see what it is like to live there rather than visit on holiday. The reality of living abroad, especially out of season, and with no family or friends, often falls short of the dream. Perhaps then he will compromise on a holiday home, if he can afford it.
I’m in a LAT relationship too, and it suits us.

First of all, well done you two for acknowledging that things wouldn't be as good between you if you lived under one roof. So many people now find this is a better option.

I wonder if, when daughter has said, 'So how are the plans going for you to settle in Timbucktoo?' He has avoided the issue by saying, 'I've put that aside now, Flaxseed's not keen.'
She's then got on her protective horse and decided to force the issue by mentioning it in public.

He may or may not want to up sticks but it seems you can be honest with one another and discuss it rationally.
There could be a compromise, depending on the residency laws of the country concerned, he could rent his house and go for 6 months or so, long enough to see if that's what he really wants.
This has two things in its favour: it gives him chance to miss you like heck and find out if actually living there is as good as he thinks - all too often it isn't.

Either way, in the end i'ts his decision and you know, I'm sure that making him stay will cause resentment.

I hope it all goes well at the weekend.

I tend towards agreeing with BlueBelle. From what you say, you and he have decided not to make the conventional big commitment of settling down and getting married/living together and as time passes and other things happen I'm not surprised that people comment and speculate about how the future will pan out.
His DD is trying to push her father into making a decision, to hurry things up, in my opinion. So yes you ABU at least somewhat, to think she is doing this because she dislikes you. It's because she loves her dad.
I hope things work out for you all. I like the idea of the holiday home!