Baby sitting

Oh Miss A, what a dilemma (and a heartache) for you when you and your grandson have lost a person so precious to them. I am so sorry that things aren't running smoothly.

I can understand you wanting to do your very best for your grandson in the circumstances, and I agree, he being left alone in the evening wasn't what you planned and is worrying. I am so sorry your neighbour failed you both, and I am sorry too that you have to go out to work unsociable hours. It's no wonder you feel like crying.

I couldn't have a falling out with your neighbour, mainly because she is someone you know and who knows you. It does sound as though you give more of yourself to her then she gives to you.

I really wouldn't know the best way to go about getting a reliable babysitter, so I am of little help. I wouldn't go to social services though. The last thing you want now is anyone carelessly and thoughtlessly applying labels - about you not being there for your grandson, or he being at risk or neglected. That would be awful, but you know how people can misinterpret situations.

I do sympathise with you and if I lived nearby I'd gladly help out. I wish I could offer more helpful advice.

Miss A, is it worth putting something on the local Facebook page (I am not on Facebook but know there is one)
I don't think I would do that, you don't know who might reply. You need someone you can trust. Is his brother nearby, could he help or perhaps if he has a girlfriend?

Thank you.
The shift times have not been an issue really, and they still wouldn't be if I had reliable help.
Working 9-5 Monday to Friday only works during term time, so I would rather do late finishes a few times a week and be around more during school holidays.

I'm going to work as a dinner lady, I think.
My most dreaded job!

His brother is at college now, and works in the family business as well.
Plus, his dad now has full say about what he can and can't do (for now!)

School secretary? Few and far between though.

Or what about teaching assistant?

Don't you have to pay for your own training course for TA?

When my gs was younger I had 2 babysitters who were his schoolfriends' big sisters ( both teenagers). So they weren't exactly strangers because I'd met the parents at the school gates and his friends. Not that I went out much... the PTA meeting was the highlight of my week sometimes!

I know what you mean about help from the school---sporadic at best--absolute cr*p at worst.

Good for you for looking after your gs though. I know how hard it is on your own but it is rewarding. .

We all have our own ideas about when it is acceptable to leave a child and I think a lot of it depends on the maturity of the child. However, as Mums/Grans we do guilt trip ourselves and you are obviously feeling let down that your neighbour didn’t stay with your GS as you had expected. I expect that you are beating yourself up “ what if something had happened”. It didn’t, so be kind to yourself ?

Whilst I cannot guarantee it is operating in your area, there is a local social network called Next Door nextdoor.co.uk/
This consists of people who live within a couple of miles of each other and there are often requests for babysitting, dog walking, recommendations etc. In our area there are always plenty of young students available for these sort of jobs to make a little extra cash.

When I had issues similar to yours, I stopped nursing and started waitressing. Big change but, looking back, I can say I did the right thing.

Your neighbour doesn't sound the right person to mind your GS. Is there a college near you that you can perhaps approach regarding student earning a bit of cash childminding. Some have childcare courses so probably the best ones to approach. Not sure about the need for record checks if over 16 years though but sure this could be googled! Perhaps someone where you work would know or have a teenager willing to help out. Don't give up, keep open dialogue about how GS feels about situation, he may even come up with a solution.

MisAdventure, I do not think anyone could fault you, you did all the right things. Your sitter was someone you knew and your grandson knew her and you had a clear idea of what baby-sitting meant, which was in complete accord with almost everybody else in the country's - except your neighbours.

I quite agree about not being happy with him spending all that time on his own. After all he has been through so recently, however well he is coping, and at his, still young age, he will still be fragile. I wouldn't want to risk leaving him in this lady's charge again.

So good luck in finding another solution to the problem.

We have been in a similar position to you so can relate to the isolation of looking after your daughter. Ours died last July after four long years of illness. Her children lived with us the last two years. Now they have gone to their respective fathers and I'm feeling doubly bereaved. I found the schools were very helpful and understanding of the situation surrounding the children so perhaps your school could advise you on childminding services you could use. Or perhaps you could contact the senior school near you to see if they know of a person that already does childminding? I know how much you have and are going through, and let me tell you that I'm proud of you. Not all family put the children first. Social Services were also reassuring about not taking our grandchildren into care unless absolutely essential and they could see they were fine with us. Although I was scared stiff of that happening, they just offered support to us, mostly emotional support. We didn't take it up, but they might be able to help you re babysitting if you really get stuck. My instinct is not to get them involved unless essential though as the press reports of them taking children scares me, and you don't need any more upsets in your lives. What about an honorary grandparent situation? Obviously that would take time to find someone you can trust and feel entirely comfortable with, but that could benefit a lonely older person as well as yourselves. Good luck.

Day 6 . I wouldn't go to social services though. The last thing you want now is anyone carelessly and thoughtlessly applying labels - about you not being there for your grandson, or he being at risk or neglected. That would be awful, but you know how people can misinterpret situations.

Wow talk about unhelpful statements Day 6!
Firstly I have investigated a number of cases of children left 'home alone' and always looked into the background in order to understand why and in cases like Miss A would look at helping to find solutions rather than being punitive or indeed applying labels.
My suggestion (for what it's worth) contact your local FE establishment where there is a Child Care Course running and see if a student or students would be up for some childminding. They will have been police checked and clearly child focuses given their chosen course.
Good luck and my hats off to you Miss A for stepping in and providing a loving home for DGS, I have known many who have not.

georgia there are no words, so very sorry, and i hope you see your grandchildren regularly.

Miss adventure
Have you contacted CAB to find out all the financial help you are entitled to? Besides Housing and Council Tax benefit there is Child and Working Tax and, I think but not sure Guardians allowance.
Speak to your Grandson to see if any of his friends have older siblings who would sit with him, (My 16 yr GS babysits for a neighbour roughly once a week). Or contact your local college or uni for student babysitters, maybe prepare and hand out flyers at the school gates. Also look into childminders, there might be one or two in your area who don't mind evenings, (they can be expensive though).
For yourself, next time one of your friends texts you, call her back, have a chat and arrange to meet for a coffee, or maybe send the text yourself.
Hope things resolve themselves quickly for you and you have one less burden to carry.

Gosh! I'm so sorry to read about your situation and if I lived near you, helping out would be a pleasure, to give you peace of mind.
Is it feasible to discuss this with the head of your GS's school? (S)he may have some suggestions re mothers who live near your home and you could pick him up on late shifts or teens k own to her who are honest and responsible. Uni student? Whoever, they must come with a recommendation as it's your home and your GC and they must be utterly responsible.
I really hope you can access some appropriate help, having said that, I wish I could offer more than an opinion.

*known

IMO flyers might not be a good thing. It's advertising that you won't be there and a vulnerable young person is alone. Flyers get discarded and who knows who reads them.

Hi Misadventure, having read this truly upsetting post I am left wondering whether this Neighbour is lacking in self confidence or is truly selfish and self obsessed..and I think possibly the former.
She seems to rely a lot on you and it is humanly reasonable for you to expect reciprocation, but I have learnt that this rarely happens.. so another approach is needed. For instance have you ever invited her to watch tv with both you and grandson? Have you ever encouraged s bond between them? Strange as it may seem although she is an adult and your gs a child she might feel inadequate or shy in his company. She may be unconfident in those kind of social situations.
So rather than lose her, which i’m sure you are tempted to do, and I know you have a lot on your plate, you three should sit round a table and ask what they would like to do together. You never know they might like board games; It’s another strand of your caring! For which there are many rewards but not always direct ones. Good luck you can do it.

I would suggest contacting the local 6th form or college and asking if they have a jobs board. Many teenagers will be happy to earn some money while they do their homework in the peace and quiet of your home. If they are doing childcare or even better if their is a university nearby which has teaching degree course, then they will also be DBS checked. My DD was working as a waitress while studying for her degree in Primary Ed and was approached by a customer who was chatting about her course and her plans. She ended up babysitting for them on a regular basis and was delighted to get out of her crowded student flat for a nice warm comfy home! If you provide food too even better! If it is any comfort, we are all supporting you online and wish we could be there with you to help practically.

According to www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone the law doesn't state precisely at what age children may legally be left alone at home, perhaps Maw has more information. I thought it was illegal in Scotland to leave children under 10 alone at home and have no idea about England or Wales.

I understand why you were upset and worried. If your neighbour is looking after the child again, could you leave him a phone, so he can phone her at need, or you?

If you can afford to pay for child care perhaps the best thing would be to find a responsible adult who could help out.

Gosh MissA I'm overwhelmed with compassion for you and how you are dealing with the currently lousy deal fate has dealt you. Beyond admirable and thoroughly moving. Bravo! I would ask you to consider visiting the ministers of any locallish churches and explaining your plight. It matters not a whit of your spiritual conviction. There are many people of various ages therein who are even lonely themselves and would love the 'opportunity' you present to help out. The minister in question would know his flock and steer you mutually accordingly. Then these individuals (I think more than one would be helpful for flexibillity) would endeavour to build up a rapport with you and your grandson. I have yet to see any 'payback' pressure and I urge you to at least consider this. These people tend not to be judgemental so do take a chance. In the meanwhile may I again state my admiration for you.

What an awful situation MissA for you to juggle. And be anxious about. You need to work yet you have an 11y old grandson unwell and off school. And you are both recently bereaved too. This must be so stressful. No wonder you felt like crying. I would too.
I can’t think of anything helpful. Others are giving good advice though.
I’m sure you’ll want to get your ducks in a row for next time.
It’s good to vent - saves it going round your head. ?