.... to wonder what the hell is happening

P.s. the (justified) poor reviews of mental health services are usually due to them being so over stretched that they can only help these MID crisis. And cant do early intervention to prevent or help recover.

But crisis care is usually good because that is where the limited resources are focused.

And due to the resource crisis people are not offered beds (privately or otherwise) unless they have the highest need for them. If a bed is being made available to her, she must be very unwell indeed, and needs it x

It is hard for people in crisis to really go through the process of letting go so they can get properly assessed and get better when cared for by a loved one because she will be eager to SHOW you signs of improvement, because she will see that this is hurting you. Just like how physically unwell people often play it down to relive stress from their nearest and dearest.

Similarly you need to look after your own mental health and not burn out now trying to give crisis care, she will need you for the recovery period when professional services tend to fall away.

Its not good for anyone.

My DD suffered a very severe ante-natal depression with psychotic aspects - so bad that she and OH considered having a termination - something that would have been unthinkable before as they had tried so hard and so long for this pregnancy.

What I really wanted to say to you is that I know that terrible sensation that your child has been taken away and that you will never get her back. It is quite terrifying and my heart goes out to you. I felt as though I was going around in a fog, and that reality had been totally distorted.

The good thing was that she had us and other family around her, and lovely friends who would just pop in with a pan of soup or a little gift for her. They were precious people during that dreadful time as they did not reject her because she was mentally ill - they embraced her and supported her through the many months that she was ill and mainly in bed and unable to get up and face the world.

But she did get better. There are still aspects of it teetering around in the background - she is slightly manic-depressive, but we all say "Hey come on, you are getting a bit OTT", and reminding her to calm down. But it is part of who she is and, I think, why she was so vulnerable to the hormonal changes of pregnancy. The other side of the coin is that she is one of the most lively and creative people you could hope to meet, so "every cloud" and all that.

It was a slow recovery and I think others here are right to say you should prepare yourself for a bit of a long haul. But she will get there - don't despair. There were times when I felt like giving up, but she got there. She already had one child and a lot of our focus was on protecting her from what was happening around her. TBH sometimes I was glad for that focus because I found trying to talk to DD and help her so frustrating and felt completely powerless, as this dreadful illness seemed to have taken her over completely and indeed taken her away.

My heart goes out to you because I know how you are feeling.

These b****y high-powered jobs that people strive for throughout their school and university career are a mixed blessing - they can take a high toll on health and well-being.

Maybe, when she has recovered - and she will - she needs to stand back and rethink her life. This may be a blessing that will help her to plan her future well.

notonan gives some excellent advice here I think.

You will see glimmers of improvement because you want to, and because she wants to show them to you.

However "ups" mid crisis are not necessarily a good sign. And can be warnings of something serious or a sort of calm before a storm. This needs objective assessment.

Im sorry if this comes across as tough/harsh. I saw "improvement" and calm in a loved one right before a suicide attempt. I felt so relieved that the cloud appeared to be lifting that I didnt see it for what it was: resignation & hiding his planning from us. Appearing better so that we gave him a bit of free reign to do what he had planned

Professionals are in a better position to determine genuine improvement from faking it or attempting to pull the wool over..

I would also suggest that the "woman at work" is a red herring.

Your DD sounds like she is having an "A Type" breakdown (in my unqualified opinion/interpretation) and has put herself under pressure by chosing the high pressure job, the perfect wedding etc, and if the job (and woman) didnt exist she would have found another way to put pressure on herself by taking on projects or setting herself goals.

You are (quite rightly) protective of her and are seeing injustices when perhaps the bigger picture is that the pressures are not caused by an external cause?

(Maybe? I'm just going on my interpretation of your posts..)

So again, by being too close to her, you WANT this to be a one off reaction to one mean woman, when it actually might be part of a bigger problem, and so can't be the one to help her. That doesnt mean you cant be there for her and support her, but that support might involve stepping back and being there waiting for her when she comes out on the other side?

notanan
I don’t think she has the energy to pull the wool over our eyes.
But obviously I am no expert.

I am very grateful for one thing - she has not been suicidal.
Psych has kept a careful eye on that.
Had that been the case she would have definately gone in.
He seemed genuinely pleased with her (slight) progress yesterday.

She’s anxious today but her mood is pretty stable at the moment.

It’s so helpful posting here. I felt really low last night when I posted but daylight has bought new hope. I need to focus on the progress.
Her DH has to go to work for a few hours this afternoon which she understands. I don’t mind admitting I am worried, as he calms her well but her small maintainence dose is due soon which will help.

to you all

It sounds like it took a long time for this to come to a crisis and I think will take a long time to recover.

I keep reading 'cope' but is that really what she needs? She has PMI, I think she should use it for in patient treatment in a good hospital like The Priory. Yes, one of them is where the slebs go but not all of them. I think she needs expert treatment and ongoing diagnosis which she cannot get at home. It is natural for a mother to want to fix things for their child but if she had a broken leg or needed an operation would you think you could fix that? Sorry, I know it sounds hard but I do think you should put her in the hands of the people qualified to do their best for her.

It just shows that none of us is exempt from mental health issues. It really can happen to anyone. Someone close to me is a tall, handsome man with a fabulous job and wonderful family and he really struggles at times. Sending all good wishes Flaxseed

notanan
I don’t think she has the energy to pull the wool over our eyes.

I dont mean to project and Im not saying the situation is the same, but I said almost the same thing.

I told a friend that it sounds awful but I was glad that the crisis had physically weakened him because it meant he couldnt do anything stupid....

Im not telling you this to suggest your DD will do the same, Im sharing it as an example of how ill equipt we are to give crisis care and assessment to someone who we are too close to x

Even doctors (including psychiatrists) wont treat their own loved ones for that reason x

I fully agree with notanan

notanan is right.

I think the problem with MH and a family member, some of the symptoms become the norm over time, part of who the person is. It is only when it reaches crisis point that we reach a realisation that all is not well, and hasn't been for some time. People on the outside see it differently.

It is the most difficult thing in the world to deal with, exhausting, frustrating, heartbreaking but there is help and the crisis help offered to us was the turn around for us all.

I wish you well and send you hugs.

I think notonan gives excellent advice. I feel concerned Flax that you and your family are so bound up in your daughters struggle.

Of course it is heartbreaking and frightening and you will be running on adrenaline but try to find a quiet 10 minutes and pull back from the situation. Perhaps your daughter would be better cared for and monitored by professionals. You will come into your own later.

Can I also add that health professionals tend to accentuate the positive and also that is clearly what you wish to hear.

Someone for whom I am the nearest relative, had a psychotic episode after her husband died, once on medication she got better quickly but has had three episides since (in the space of 10 years) resulting in her being sectioned. Although she is supposed to be on a small dose of medication permanently, she cannot accept that she is mentally fragile and stops taking them as soon as she feels better. All the episodes were caused by worry and stress and lack of sleep - her brain would not close down. She is unable to get sleeping tablets from the doctor because of her history. Now she sometimes self medicates with a mild tranquilizer that she buys on line - she is quite sensible and only takes one quarter of the tablet each time, I am not comfortable about it but it is enabling her to manage. In her case too, recent problems have been caused by an awkward woman ( a neighbour).
The episodes were quite scary and it is very upsetting to see a loved one acting in a strange manner, not be able to communicate with them (as her mind was not on this planet) and to have to be a party to sectioning them (for the physical safety of themselves and others including myself) it must be so much worse when it is a spouse or a child. It is also hard for the person, when they get better and remember what happened, to come to terms with what they said and/or did. They may be in denial, make excuses and blame others, and also be embarrased and self conscious amongst people who saw them at their worst.
I was also not impressed with the hospital although I hear it has improved since.
Flaxseed It sounds as though your daughter is in the best of hands - with you, an understanding husband and a kind, competent doctor. I am sure she will soon be more like her old self and the only problem will be helping her to find a method to calm her mind, and less stressful ways to use her energy.

Just a quick thank you for all recent messages.

DD1 wanted to see DD2 and my DGS this afternoon and it was lovely. We all really enjoyed it.

She was very anxious when her DH left to go to work for a couple of hours but she’s done really well.

I’ll stay off for a while to try and enjoy the evening

thanks for checking in, lots of people care.

So sorry to read abut this Flax I would like to back what others have said about hospital care. My brother lives with me, following a major period of mental ill health. He was admitted to hospital and it because of that that he is now my funny, affectionate and clever brother again. He still needs support in that he cannot earn enough to keep himself but he is working and living a proper life again. There will be light again..it takes time, tears and strength. Good luck

Oh you must be feeling slightly relieved Flaxseed. It has been very traumatic for you all, and you are not out of the woods yet, but she is being so well cared for. I do hope your daughter makes a complete recovery. I know it will take some time but do rest when you can and look after yourself.

Flaxseed every sympathy goes to you and your family. When my DS had a mental breakdown last summer we suspended our life and did like you everything we could to get him back on track. It was so hard because I didn’t recognise the person he had become. With the help of the doctor, counsellors and friends he is eventually almost my DS again.

So my advice is take all the help on offer, even if it means she has a few days in a a specialist hospital. Tell your friends you are out of bounds for a while but they can email you. I couldn’t communicate face to face with anyone as I was so involved in the situation. I kept saying to myself the words ‘This too will pass’ and it did.

Mental health problems can hit anyone at anytime. It is no longer swept under the carpet and that is a good thing.

?

Dear Flaxseed,

All I can say is that I came back. In my case it was a nervous breakdown, and I went through two years of treatment, before I started to feel more like me. I can only begin to imagine how it felt for my very much appreciated dear husband, my lovely mother and father, and my long suffering children.
In my case it was also brought on by stress and being bullied by colleagues at work, but I can now recognise that it was a long time coming, and that a great many factors were involved, not least of all the fact that I am, as you described it in your original post, a stress head.
Medication helped me, but it was the psychological support, and learning to accept my own limitations which saved me.
All i can suggest is that you hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the support of her husband and you, is going to be the most important things for her.
I cant pray for you, I dont do such things, but my thoughts are with you xx

Just checking in quickly before bed.
I am reading all your posts and humbled by how many people are reaching out. So, thank you.

We are so proud of her today. She has overcome two major hurdles, DH working a few hours and DD2/DGS visiting.

She’s been very stable, 100% lucid and relaxed this evening. By 8:45 (medication time) she was getting tired and suggested bed.
I know tomorrow might be a different story BUT if she is stable again I will go home for the evening. I need a good shower (obvs they have one here but for some reason I prefer my own!), hair wash and to see DP.

Goodnight all

lisalou
Thanks for sharing that story.
I’ll copy it and pop it in my notes if that’s ok

I appreciate every single post and would love to respond to them all but can’t keep up! And obviously want to spend every daylight hour with DD rather than on my phone.
I’m sure you understand