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AIBU to be upset with my friend

(74 Posts)
bl25 Wed 30-Jan-19 17:29:01

In the summer I went to stay at my DS house while he was away on holiday for 3 weeks. I often do this as he has a lovely garden that I keep watered. The house is in Brighton and is very nice. I asked my DS if it was ok for my friend to come and stay for a few days to keep me company and he agreed it was ok. I organised trips out, cooked meals for us and we had a lovely time. The thing is I was expecting her to pay for a meal out and leave a little gift or thank you card for my DS as way of thanks. She didn't and now I feel used.

Luckygirl Wed 30-Jan-19 17:30:56

Life's too short to feel used - "we had a lovely time" says it all. Let it go.

janeainsworth Wed 30-Jan-19 17:33:58

But you said your friend came to keep you company.
If that was how you phrased your invitation to her, why should you feel used? Perhaps she felt she was doing you a favour.
It might have been nice if your friend had offered to take you out for a meal, but it seems odd that you're still simmering over it several months later.

Tartlet Wed 30-Jan-19 18:29:19

I can completely understand why you are upset at your friend’s apparent lack of appreciation for the free holiday but I don’t think you should dwell on it. Just keep it in mind for the future. I wouldn’t dream of staying in someone’s home in such a way without leaving a token of my gratitude.

We used to go with friends to stay in their daughter’s London flat at weekends when daughter wasn’t there and we always left tangible gifts of our stay. I was always aware that I was using water, electricity, gas, etc., which someone else was going to pay for and I hope that we never took anything for granted.

HildaW Wed 30-Jan-19 18:32:38

Annoying at the time....but this was 'back in the summer' the words of the song.....'Let it go''s too short to bear a grudge.

janeainsworth Wed 30-Jan-19 18:33:52

But tartlet the OP and her friend were looking after the place while her DS was on holiday. Why should they be indebted to him?
If someone came and house-sat for me I wouldn’t dream of letting them contribute to the cost of any electricity I’d used.

Jalima1108 Wed 30-Jan-19 18:49:53

It would have been nice if she'd taken you out for a meal or two but I don't think she should leave a token of appreciation for keeping you company while you were housesitting.

Buffybee Wed 30-Jan-19 18:50:09

I am invited to stay with friends in Gibraltar every year, I always take a little gift, last year it was Rhubarb Gin.
A couple of times while I've been there they have been asked to look after their Daughter and Son in Laws house, dog and cat for a few days and quite naturally I go with them over the border to Spain.
I must say that it has never entered my head to leave a gift for their Daughter and Sil.
I'm fact last year his Daughter left gifts for us, as a Thank you for looking after everything.
So, yes I do think that YABU.

Jalima1108 Wed 30-Jan-19 18:53:43

Yes, that's right Buffybee

Tartlet Wed 30-Jan-19 18:54:00

I hadn’t thought of it as being indebted as much as showing one’s appreciation. And I didn’t have a monetary contribution in mind.

Perhaps I’ve misunderstood the OP but I interpreted it to mean that bl25 took the opportunity of her son being away to have a holiday and look after the garden at the same time. I would always leave a ‘thank you’ of some sort if I was in a similar situation even if on my own.

It wasn’t a formal house sitting arrangement and the friend hadn’t been asked to help house sit but tagged along for company and benefited from the son’s house, outings and meals. The fact that the son’s permission had to be sought indicates that the friend visiting wasn’t at at his behest.

I can only say what I think is the proper way to behave in such circumstances.

Grammaretto Wed 30-Jan-19 18:59:29

Some people are more thoughtful than others. I think you know that your friend is not as considerate as she might be.
You probably should have suggested that you both leave a gift but as for paying when you were out: it was your treat. When it's her turn you can sit back and wait to be treated

Jalima1108 Wed 30-Jan-19 19:56:12

I probably would have taken you out for dinner, left a bottle of wine or something for your DS, but I don't think it is something worth simmering over for months, quite honestly

Tangerine Wed 30-Jan-19 20:05:47

I also would have paid for a meal and left something for your son but I wouldn't fall out or worry about it for ages afterwards.

Next time you could invite a different friend perhaps.

lemongrove Wed 30-Jan-19 20:13:54

Like others say, I would have paid for at least one meal out,
But it doesn’t occur to everyone, and yes, maybe she thought she was being nice by keeping you company.
If the same friend never does anything nice for you then it’s up to you to say something diplomatically now and then, but otherwise let it go.

BlueBelle Thu 31-Jan-19 04:30:16

You know your friend, does she ever pay for a meal when you go out (personally, even with my very best friend we always pay for ourselves)
You invited her ‘to keep you company’ and had a wonderful time so what’s to complain about She was doing you a favour Yes a small gift would have been thoughtful but she was your guest not your sons

Lily65 Thu 31-Jan-19 08:43:39

if this happened in the summer ( which frankly feels a million miles away) why are you upset about it now?

bl25 Thu 31-Jan-19 09:00:56

Thank you all for your replies. I see now that I have been holding on to this for too long and letting it tarnish my friendship. I have learnt a lesson that not everyone thinks or acts as I would in these circumstances. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks everyone

janeainsworth Thu 31-Jan-19 09:03:02


Washerwoman Thu 31-Jan-19 09:05:23

I don't think your friend necessarily needed to leave anything for your son.It was a benefit to him that you both stayed and looked after his house and garden.But I can understand why you may be feeling a bit miffed that your friend didn't offer to pay for anything.Essentially it was a free holiday for her.Yes it was in the summer,but is this a pattern of behaviour,that you are more generous than her,and it's happened before and that's why it still irks now ?
Could it be that 3 weeks highlighted this .It does seem rather mean to have 3 weeks of having everything provided meals,all the organisation even if invited and not even be bought a lunch.For several years a friend always coming to my house,never reciprocated to hers - there is a reason I now know.Dashing to get a table in a cafe whilst I got the drinks and letting me pay most times.etc.A good friend in many ways but really stingy in others.I haven't said anything outright but have arranged far less with her,and our friendship is on the wane.Sad but sometimes it happens.
Hold onto the memory of a lovely summer - especially on an icy day like today.Make a mental note ,but not a grudge,and either accept you will be the organiser and cook if there is a next time and you want company.

Hm999 Thu 31-Jan-19 09:59:10

Always amazed how when you work hard at giving a friend a nice time, they can't manage even a text to say thank you

loopyloo Thu 31-Jan-19 10:02:02

And did you pay for all the trips out and all the meals? If so, I would be furious that she hadn't paid her share.

grannytotwins Thu 31-Jan-19 10:02:45

You could have suggested that you left him a joint thank you present. I’m sure it never occurred to her, but this would have made her think about it.

Gingergirl Thu 31-Jan-19 10:11:56

If this is a one off, I’d let it go. If it’s just part of a bigger picture rumbling along under the surface about your feeling used by her anyway, I’d consider where you want the friendship to go. I also have a friend that has made me feel like this over and over....this year I decided to cool things off...other friends aren’t like this...and although life’s too short to hold onto minor grudges, it’s also too short, to be feeling you’re in a ‘wrong’ relationship with someone.

Magrithea Thu 31-Jan-19 10:14:21

Paying for a meal or two while you were there together would have been nice and I would have done that if I had been asked to stay with a friend in those circumstances. However, you asked her to come and keep you company so I don't think she was obliged to leave anything

OPs who mention staying with friends or being invited are missing the point - if you're invited to stay with friends then, yes, a gift of some sort is almost obligatory!

In these circumstances I agree with those who've said 'Let it go! YABU!@

sandelf Thu 31-Jan-19 10:32:18

Truly it won't do any good to scratch at this. Just get on with life. BUT (Speaking as one who is a bit 'out of step' socially sometimes) - some people do just take you at your word. You invited her, you had a good time - maybe she just was not thinking 'transactionally' and that you/your son would want a 'thing' - I assume she thanked you, said it was nice etc. Just been reading Magrithea's post - it really shows how 'slow' I am - I would do this with a mere 'obligation' friend but would not dream a 'real' friend would want a 'thing' for spending time with me. There are as many points of view as there are people.