AIBU to be upset with my friend

Everyone is different albertina . If you enjoy it that's what matters.

My two aunts used to come to our house when we were on holiday and would look after our car. I never ever expected them to leave us a gift .

It does make you think differently about a friend. An old school friend of mine comes to stay once a week every year. I take time off work, take her all over to interesting places and generally treat her to a really good holiday. When I stay with her we go for short walks and go for a coffee at a garden centre or in Marks and Spencer. I am the one struggling financially by the way ! I try not to resent it as we have been friends for so many years.

SusieWake, you would need to start your own thread with this question if you want replies.
Probably under Relationships Forum would be best.

You were doing your son a favour by looking after his garden. Your friend was keeping you company. It was nice of her to come. My best friend and I don't do things the same. I must confess she is much more thoughful than I am. But she is quite bossy. We've been best friends a long time and love each other as we are. Be thankful you have such a friend.

Hi advice please my DD has 2 DGD one 4 And one is 2 .DD the little one and is always on at the older one .My husband my mil and mum have noticed too so not just me.The older child is a quiet sensitive little thing she is always asking to spend time at my house !The back story why I hesitate to interfere is my daughter has a history of being difficult and stroppy !she didn't speak to me for over a year once because I didn't like her tattoo !I think she would stop me seeing my DGD s if I upset her my mum says leave it .My sil sometimes protests about her having a go at dgd1 but soon shuts up sorry it's so long but what should I do ? I love that child to bits

I stayed in the flat of a friend's sister once, for a couple of days in London. She (the friend) suggested it might be a nice idea for us to leave the sister a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates, between us, as a thank you, which we duly did. Must admit, it probably wouldn't have occured to me (we took our own bedding, for example!!) but everyone's different. I wouldn't dwell on it and possibly ruin your friendship but if you do this again, perhaps consider either taking a different friend, or suggesting that you share the meals/cooking and then you won't feel used.

Oh Tillybelle, just re-read your posts on this page - I think our husbands must be secret brothers !!
My SiL (on one occasion) left her dirty washing in a polybag and said "I'll collect this next week when we're staying on our way home, nothing needs washed by hand" I was fuming, she didn't notice but never did that again because her dirty washing was where she had left it.

Craicon - basic good manners isn't showing superiority surely, it's what most people do as that is what parents and teachers taught us to do.
b125, I know exactly how you feel and it's not always as easy as "letting go" as we fester on it because that is the kind of personality we have (sadly )
My BiL (DH's brother) and SiL are exactly like this. They have had many meals in our house over the years (this has stopped now, as DH sees how mean they are) and stayed overnight a few times. We have only stayed once with them and breakfast was made before we got up and left on the table for us when we came down at 9.15am (it was an egg roll - cold - yuk!) For 10 years if they asked us for a meal the take-away menus came out and we paid for what we ate. Latterly we have had 4 or 5 meals there and SiL has been cooking most of our visit - that is being rude (I did offer to help, as I felt I should; sometimes was required, sometimes not) At every meal there was there was never enough to feed us all - not a lot you can say to your hostess's face about that!
b125, if I had been your friend I would have paid for at least 1 or 2 meals out and left a bottle of wine for your son, as a small token of thanks for being happy to stay in his lovely house for a few days. Just put this one down to experience and focus on happy, friendly things!
(Hope you're feeling better about this now - it's not our fault to suffer from having a highly sensitive disorder when it comes to friends and other people!)

bl25 , did you thank her for coming down to keep you company? I would have been glad to pay for a friend who I had invited to come and keep me company. Presumably coming to Brighton involved some travel cost and time for her. Let it go, she did you a favour.

I've got a feeling the friend thought she was helping you by being company and thought you were doing DS a big favour and it wasn't quite like a holiday. Of course she should have taken you out for at least afternoon tea. I wouldn't have offered to cook in your son's house in case I broke something. I hope she paid for her own drink and food when you were out! Anyway you know now, so be prepared if you need company again.

* in on

I'd feel the same way as you bl25
What an unthinking, unappreciative friend.
Yes indeed, I'd remember it. I'd feel bad in my son's behalf. What I have done, in similar circumstances, is leave a card and a small gift (if it was a female) or card and decent wine for a male.
I try to remember that people don't always behave as you expect them to behave. It's galling, nontheless.

It was in 1976 ...she wouldnt have had the guts to put her foot down..
What nasty people

I agree it is rude and thoughtless but if this happened last summer put it behind you and move on maybe she felt she was doing you a great favour therefore didn't feel it was necessary

Tillybelle - I could scarcely believe what I was reading. I would have ordered them on their way ?

Apologies Tartlet

Sorry DS isn't son, it should've been sister! I was so cross I forgot my abbreviations!

Sorry, I was replying to Tillybelle. Breeze snuck in while I wasn’t looking.

I don’t blame you. What appalling behaviour. I’m not sure what your husband was thinking either to invite guests for a longish stay at such a time.

Did they ever come again?

Tillybelle it's lucky you don't own a gun! Bodies everywhere!

What a rude bunch of unrepeatables! Have they visited since? I hope not. Disgraceful. Your story reminded me of 'Home Alone' when the rude relatives all turn up!

I have a SIL like that. She lives abroad, so thankfully we rarely see her. She is lazy and rude. I only put up with her because I adored my FIL and he liked to see her. She turned up at our house the first time I ever met her for her own mother's funeral. Her very first words were 'Got any bacon'.

One Christmas, my DS had to grab my arm after she gobbled down Christmas lunch but then complained about desserts. She sat while my DS and me cleared up and then said 'You getting any food out' just as we sat down exhausted to watch a film. I had 3 boys under 5 at the time.

To this day I don't know how I kept my temper.

When she stayed with my FIL she didn't lift a finger and made him (he was ancient by then) sleep on the sofa and didn't help him with anything.

It takes all sorts.

inishowen. In 1976 My husband informed me his elder brother plus wife and two children were going to stay for 10 days with us as they could not afford a holiday that year. He told me the date they would arrive. I was 8 months pregnant and had a toddler, and also had a tooth which was raging with an infection.
At three a.m. the day they were due our door bell was ringing madly. I hoped my daughter had not been woken. There they were on the doorstep. The brother decided to make the journey early to avoid the traffic. He did not inform us in advance. They wanted to come in, be given food and drink and then to lie down on their beds, one of which I had yet to prepare.
During their stay the sister in law did nothing at all to help with meals or in the house. Her children would sit at the table and stare at the food and say "I don't like ....." at every meal. They were aged 8 and 12. Their mother started to stand over me as I served the meals to check that I did not give her ch anything they did not like. They still complained. She did not take up my offer to make a meal for them. She instead raked through my freezer to find food they liked and told me to cook that.
I caught a bus to the Dentist. Half hour journey. Had my tooth out. Bus back feeling very sick. Arrived home and: "You've been ages! We need our dinner (lunch) the children are going mad they're so hungry!" says the sister in law. My husband says nothing. Not "Are you ok? How did the Dentist's go?" Nothing. Three adults in the house, all at least 14 years older than I. Not one had raised a finger to get something for lunch.
By the time they left I was murderous.

To me it doesn't matter whether your friend came to keep you company, it's just good manners to step up and buy a lunch (or more) as a token of appreciation for having a lovely time with meals, outings and accommodation provided. I'd be miffed as well, but don't continue to simmer on it. Just don't ask her again.

It is a bit rude of her. I bought a rose for the garden of my friend's sister when we stayed there. Another friend used to let us stay in her holiday house and we left money for the electricity and bought gifts and left them as she did not want us to pay her.
It's a difficult thing to know what to do. I think you have a right to feel a bit miffed. Maybe your friend just thought she was keeping you company? Perhaps she thinks the world is swings and roundabouts and she will do something for you one day?
I used to feel used by people to whom I gave lifts, especially a woman who lived so far away from me and on a road incurring a dangerous turn. She just ordered me to take her and her child home. This was when our children were at ballet together. I did nothing about it though.

I don't know if you could drop a hint, perhaps be buying vouchers for your son while she is there? Say "I always give him something as a thank you for letting me stay. After all, I use the electricity and so on."

I am not sure how you worded the invite? If you put it as you did in your thread that she was coming to keep you company while you did your son a favour she probably took it literally that she was helping out and therefore a gift to your son might not have occurred to her; that would be fair in my opinion however she probably should have given you a present afterwards or treated you to a meal, there are several nice pubs in Brighton The Joker at Preston Circus is good for example.
However I would definitely not still be brooding on something that happened months ago! Best advice is to forget about it and if you have expectations in the future try to have a clear discussion before hand to prevent misunderstandings or resentments