AIBU to be upset with my friend

Maybe your friend thought she was doing you a favour and she had to leave a gift for someone who was minding her home while she was away?

Also, petrol is so expensive these days, she may have forked out a lot of money to get there if it was a journey.

It all depends on how you look at things doesn't it. Who was doing who the favour. If she's usually a good friend and doesn't squeak when she walks, let it go.

I am looking at Gibraltar from my terrace! Miserable day, rain, wind & dark!

bl25,

Most of us tend to forgive a 'faux pas' when someone is unavoidably absent minded, is blind or deaf, doesn't speak a language very well or is otherwise compromised,
.....anyway, I think you get the gist.

Some people have a similar blind spot when it comes to social cues or graces. In the case of your friend, it's either something akin to that or her mum never taught her any manners.

You may want to consider whether or not you value her friendship for other equally positive reasons. In the case of the latter being true, I would forgive and forget.

I hate this ‘I’m better than them because it’s how I was brought up’ nonsense!

Nope, you’re just being incredibly passive aggressive in order to boost your own feelings of superiority.

Anyone who doesn’t have the sense to engage the other person in an actual conversation setting out their expectations and seeking a suitable compromise solution deserves everything they get, in my mind.

If someone regularly doesn’t chip in then it needs discussing openly as it’s isn't fair to others who are picking up the slack. However, if no-one ever says anything, it’s perfectly reasonable for the perpetrator to assume the others are genuinely not bothered by the fact.

As I get older, I realize that we get in our minds how things should go. When they don't, we feel slighted or disappointed. I've just come to see that people think and behave differently than I do. I can either accept them as they are, or choose not to be around them as much. I cannot change or "teach" people. I am trying to not assume the worst in people because they react differently. Wish me luck!

Unless your friend had suffered maybe financially or given up her previous plans in giving you her company it would not have hurt her to have made some contribution during those three weeks or shown you some form of appreciation, as you said ; paid for a meal.
Should there be a next time rethink your expectations and what price you put on friendship.

@bl25 ''I asked my DS if it was ok for my friend to come and stay for a few days to keep me company and he agreed it was ok''
This is the time you should have/could have mentioned to your friend going 'dutch' for any money spent on meals food used travel etc... basically you didn't express this and didn't give your friend the opportunity to share any costs with you . Be clear next time with what you want and expect.

Surely you would at least take them out for a meal??

We used to take my husband’s cousin on holiday with us to help me look after my disabled mother - all expenses paid - flights and all meals and accommodation - she was making it possible for me to enjoy my holiday more and I never expected anything in return - in fact she did always take us out for a meal and whilst we protested she was equally keen to treat us - I guess it’s down to individuals and both parties showing their appreciation of the other

bl25 did you pay for everything over those few days?

You mentioned that your friend didn't even treat you to a meal out, but did she offer to chip in for petrol for your days out, or did she pay for lunch some days?

If you paid for everything then I can fully understand why you feel hurt and upset.

Obviously it depends on your friend's outlook on life. If someone does something for me I always thank them but that's as far as it goes, no meal out, no bunch of flowers.......nothing. If I do something for someone I do it out of kindness. I don't want anything in return, in fact, if someone does give me a gift to say thank you, I feel as though they're buying me off. I really don't want anything in return. Knowing I've done something for someone is a reward in itself. Perhaps your friend has the same attitude. I suspect you had a nice break together, this should be reward enough.

We are all different. I was always brought up to show my appreciation and say thank you. If I go to a friends for a meal I always take a bunch of flowers or chocolates. I have three close friends my son calls us 'The Merry Widows' if we go to each others houses for a meal three of us takes something , the same one always says Oh! I didn't think. When they come to me I don't expect anything just the pleasure of their company. One always brings flowers or chocolates. the other always insists on providing dessert and then we have I didn't think! I never give it a thought.

Recently a neighbour asked me at the ninth hour would I accompany her to the theatre as her husband wasn't well and she didn't want to waste the tickets. She wouldn't take money for the ticket. I paid the parking, bought her a drink at the bar, then an ice cream in the interval. next day I bought her a bottle of wine and some flowers.

I have a friend who is a retired school teacher and she goes out with three other retired colleagues. One of them will never put her hand in her pocket. Who ever is driving the other two pay the parking and buy a coffee for the'driver' The other one never has any change , goes missing or even ducks out of having a coffee but that's how she is!

In your situation I would definitely have taken you out for a meal and possibly bought you some flowers on your return. I wouldn't have thought anything of it if a friend hadn't done that for me. Maybe this is just the way she is and obviously has other good qualities as she is your friend.

Back in the seventies when we were just married, we allowed a friend to stay with us for three months while her husband was away working. She didn't contribute at all, even though she had a good job. When her husband came home he took us out for a Chinese meal but to me that was an insult more than a thank you. I certainly felt used.

You invited her! Yes, a note of thanks would be nice, but just put it down to experience.

I think that your friend should have treated you to a meal out, not necessarily an expensive one. A nice pub lunch for 2 is probably £20. Or even a box pf chocs!

I think it is unreasonable to be upset that your friend did not leave a thank you note or gift for your DS, did she thank you for the holiday? If so then you could simply take that as a thank you for your DS as well. It may well never have occurred to your friend that you expected her to pay for a meal - best to be very clear in the invite if you mean for them to pay towards the costs. If you have been friends for some years then my advice would be to let it go, but if you do ever invite her again then say clearly what your expectation is in return, some friends are like family, they don't think about whether they should contribute to something!

One of the best pieces of advice I ever had came from a friend over thirty years ago. I was upset over something another friend had said which had hurt me very much. We had a long conversation and my friend agreed that the other person was out of order and said she would have been upset too. She went on to say that I had very high standards of behaviour and that if I expected everybody else to be the same I would often be disappointed because many people don’t have the same standards. This had a big impact on me and I often recall those words when somebody upsets me. If you had a lovely time I would suggest you forget your grievance and lower your expectations of your friend in the future.

Consider myself generous but have to confess I wouldn't have thought of leaving a house gift. Certainly would have had my hand in my pocket for eating out but then you know your friend's financial situation and I don't. Interesting how we all deal with matters differently. Guess that's, in fact, what makes us interesting.

Your friend is very stingy but a meal out might easily have cost £100 which would have been a lot if she had not been budgeting for it. It's a tricky situation.

I think I would put this one down to experience and, should another similar situation arise, set out expectations beforehand.

I don’t even visit AC without taking token treats for them and the GC, but that’s the way I’ve been bought up. It is thoughtless not to contribute, but we are all different. Next time you could maybe say in advance “ shall we go halves on a few groceries “ and see what she says. Def not falling out over, just a learning curve.

Lucky Girl has said it all.

Yes I do think you are being unreasonable.
It was months ago now anyway!
Get over it.

Perhaps if she had been staying the whole three weeks with you rather than a few days, then it would have been nice and good manners on her part to offer to contribute to the cost of meals you cooked, or offer to cook some of them, and contribute to the cost of drinks, and trips out ( though for my part, I would have done so anyway, no matter how long I was there). However, you do not say whether she does these things when out and about with you normally, so it’s hard to make a judgement for this occasion. Only you can make the decision as to whether she is a friend worth holding onto or whether it’s time to loosen the reigns a little (or completely).
Did you make any suggestion that she help contribute to the costs involved? We don’t know how you worded the invitation to her.
At least you have the consolation of having had a lovely time, so I think, as others say, you should let it go.

Park it but don't ask again.

Truly it won't do any good to scratch at this. Just get on with life. BUT (Speaking as one who is a bit 'out of step' socially sometimes) - some people do just take you at your word. You invited her, you had a good time - maybe she just was not thinking 'transactionally' and that you/your son would want a 'thing' - I assume she thanked you, said it was nice etc. Just been reading Magrithea's post - it really shows how 'slow' I am - I would do this with a mere 'obligation' friend but would not dream a 'real' friend would want a 'thing' for spending time with me. There are as many points of view as there are people.