Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

Let me get this straight. In DIL 's culture, I am given to understand ,Grand P's buy the house. So what's stopping the interpreters parents???

Ditzy, I can't get over how your son reacted just because of childcare! I'm so very sorry! Hugs!

Welcome, Lavazza1st! My heart goes out to you! Imo, you have gone above and beyond for ds and family - only to get nothing but demands and criticism in return. Hugs!

It's obvious to me that you and dil don't really care for each other, and perhaps you've resented her somewhat ever since she turned up pregnant? She probably feels your resentment and disapproval as much as you feel hers. But all the more congrats to you both for managing to get along to the point that you do.

I think it's totally out-of-line and audacious for ds and dil to expect you to be carbon copies of her parents or to suddenly start following the ways of Chinese culture (with all due respect). It's not even as if you're in China, they are in the UK

Also, I think you need to stop judging or questioning how they parent. (Maybe she keeps baby from you because she senses your criticism?) That includes concerning yourself with who gets up to make breakfast, etc. - not your concern, totally between ds & dil.

I'm glad ds is looking for work. And I'm glad that dh is going to talk with them about money. Also, I think you need to let them know that though you respect Chinese culture, you expect them to respect your ways in return and not expect you to do things the way they do in another country/China.

Also, Idk if you should say this, but they can't have things both ways. If they want to do things the Chinese way, they need to stay in China. If they want gs to be British, then they have to accept that most people around them will be doing things the British way, and they'll have to adjust.

Hopefully, while they're living with you & dh, you two are open to dil's celebrating Chinese New Year and whatever in your home, etc.

However, if they return here after those 5 months (they might not, of course), I don't think you should have them live with you. I wouldn't evict them now, I just wouldn't let them move back in. Give them sufficient notice, of course, so that they can find some other solution. Unless you're afraid they'll cut you out entirely like ditzy's son did. You'll have to decide what's more important - being around gs (as much as they allow it) or having more peace of mind. It can be a painful choice, I know.

@madgran77 thanks. I havent risen to nastiness at all and have been getting on with my own life.

The main problem at the moment is that its DS who gets up (reluctantly at 8am today) to give the baby some breakfast. She rarely surfaces before 11.30am and I'm hoping this will change when DS finds a job. I work from home (above the kitchen) so any movements would be obvious to me (unfortunately)

@lizbott I'm not being guilt tripped to give them anything. But, because I won't be manipulated by them they are keeping the baby away by keeping him in their room at times when I'm free. I have found out that DiL and baby will have to go back in 5 months when her holiday visa runs out- and if DS has not got an adequate job they will have to stay in China for 6 months. So, really it's probably just as well that they aren't letting us play with him- she will be the only constant in his life - even though she never looks after him for long.

They have lied about a lot of things and I am not going to fight to see him. If they want to behave in this ridiculous way, they can - and they must be more uncomfortable than we are. I'm sure five months can go quite quickly, really. It's a shame we won't be able to bond, but it also protects our hearts, I suppose.

Definitely not bu! Ungrateful so and sos! You have a life and a right to it! If her parents want to buy them a house etc let them. Do not be guilt tripped!

Lavazz good that things have improved a little with DIL. Try hard to not rise to nastiness. Maybe a response, in a calm "bland" voice " Oh well, you don't have to live here!" and walk away! Or if complaining about something you do " If its annoying you, go somewhere else!" There have been quite a few suggestions re responses to sneering etc on this thread from myself and others, maybe go through them and prepare your own versions ready for next time. Talking it through is best but if that's not possible, different responses might help

Obviously dont want to evict them, but just want the pain to stop. This week Ive been really low due to all the horrid comments from DS, who keeps putting me down. As hed lived abroad for many yearsand hasnt lived with us for 6 years, Id forgotten that he can be nasty to live with.

Yes I do now think hes made it sound like a "better life" here, but its probably not.

Im getting on better with DiL but DS is not happy about it. I actually think he was happier when we didnt talk so much.

Jalima1108, I don't know about bizarre but very sad. Whilst I can understand OP's frustration, I can't imagine being in a situation when I was thinking about eviction of my child and his child, especially within a month. I think a lot of patience is necessary and a willingness on the son's part to encourage his wife to integrate.

This thread is becoming quite bizarre.

evicting them?

Please don't discourage the interaction in Chinese between mum and baby.
Most definitely! Mandarin is being taught increasingly in UK schools and teachers of Mandarin are sought after.
They may be speaking a different language/dialect, but whatever it is, she should be encouraged.

This little boy obviously has an ear for language if he can already manage words like tomato at his age especially as he probably hasn't heard much English spoken.

Toilet breaks! When you are trying to work and earn a living. Most of us brought up one or more small children without anyone else around much of the time to give us any kind of break. I would take my toddler into the bathroom with me, unless she was asleep or safe in her cot. I do remember it was nt easy, and some days if my husband was working from home, I would make an appointment with him to let me go to the toilet! But he was the parent and was happy to do his share.

I can imagine how hard this situation is for you. As far as evicting them is concerned, yes, legally you can, they have no rights in your property. Even if they were paying rent, you would just have to give them reasonable notice, usually a week. There is no tenancy agreement when they are sharing your house, not living separately.
But what is legal is not what it is about, here. At the moment, they cannot afford to pay rent. It is probably a while before your son would be entitled to any benefits, and probably his wife has no recourse to public funds, on a tourist visa. So where could they go? On the streets? Local authorities have very few resources, and no obligations towards a visitor.
The best thing would be to sit down together and establish some ground rules, but if your son does not soon get a job, I can see them returning to China sooner rather than later. What on earth possessed them to come in the first place with such false expectations?

There are several languages in mainland China and I'd assume we're talking about Mandarin but not necessarily. It would be a chance to communicate with DiL. Which language? Where to source appropriate books? Could the uncle in China find and post some suitable publications of rhymes and stories? Is there a cultural centre locally where advice could be had? Could op perhaps learn a few phrases and greetings?
Please don't see this as pandering to her. It could be a very positive move.

Is Chinese a language?

Please don't discourage the interaction in Chinese between mum and baby. I' d go so far as to encourage it by finding age-appropriate books in Chinese so they can share them.
It's a wonderful advantage to be brought up bilingual and while building a mother/son bond he will be understanding concepts, ideas and relationships which will transfer over into his second language.
I appreciate that you are coping with a very difficult situation but please appreciate the benefits to the wee chap of growing up able to switch between languages.
I've known many bilingual families and the children are at no disadvantage at all.

I do feel for you, OP. I come from a different culture myself (still European, though, so wouldn't even think of saying something was dirty in another's house!) and remember taking me awhile to adapt. By the looks of it, though your DIL isn't even trying to understand or adapt. Fortunately, my wonderful DH was a great facilitator in our family dynamics (even though he was treated like a king back home ?). He'd explain to them (as I'd learned later) that being straightforward and perhaps not "Brit-polite" then, was just my culture. He'd explain to me too certain "rules", traits, etc (ex. Do not under any circumstances interrupt Corrie ?). I also guess that all of us working towards being a close family was detrimental in making it happen. It did require mutual respect, patience and understanding and I absolutely love my PIL! Perhaps talk honestly to your son and explain to him how close to a breaking point you are? In my experience, he should be the one that proactively helps and manages expectations! I truly hope it works out for you all ?

Is there a cultural thing going on here? I think that even the friendliest Chinese People who I have met tend to have inscrutable (possibly miserable to us) faces and tend to be quite plain speaking.
I know that my daughter worked for two lovely Chinese people but they did have very strange ways. Their son was not allowed to have colouring pens, playdoh or anything that might make the slightest mess. He had to work really hard and nothing but the best was acceptable. That didn't make them unkind, just harder to please. My daughter found it quite distressing at times but it was very obvious that culturally they were world's apart from us.
I can imagine it is very difficult for you because you were expecting a very different situation with maybe a little gratitude thrown in. I can see you hurtling towards a no contact situation with your son and grandson which would be quite tragic. I don't think you should pander to every whim but I do think you should try not to be offended or hurt by the behaviour. She is probably very unhappy too and is acting a bit like a wounded bear. If you allow your emotions to be as unruly as hers, it can only end in catastrophe. You have so much more to gain in the long run if you can be strong enough to shrug the criticism off even if it is only a long distance relationship in the end.

PPS is his name a Chinese version of your husbands name?

PS "talking Chinese to him" ..that does seem ok really! He will learn English if they stay anyway.

Lavazz It really might be worth trying not to focus on the comments about your house/ kettle etc. Just don't react maybe! To any comment like that maybe just trying saying "Oh!" Shrug your shoulders and walk away

Maybe try to focus on the longer term and your relationship with your son and his family. Your DIL may be rude etc but is obviously also very unhappy (brought on by her own actions maybe, bit still very real to her!) She is likely very homesick and that is hard. I know how hard you have tried but if you don't focus on the longer term relationships you might regret it

If she insists on keeping your grandson in her room then in the end that is up to her and at least it means she is having to do some care. Don't take her actions as being a "punishment" to you; they may or may not be but its still her choice in the end

Is there any way that you can get them to sit down with you and your husband, ask how things are going for them etc and explain calmly your own concerns. Not complaining, just stating facts, not emotions but " I have to work during the day so I cant help! However I finish work at ...! Would you like us to give you a break / bath */ look after etc etc whilst you two talk/go out/ watch tv etc etc. ie stating what you can offer as well as saying what you can't!

It must now be about 3 weeks since they arrived and that does seem very quick to be thinking of evicting ...again, do please think long term or you are in danger of losing them

You are ALL unhappy in this situation and I feel for you!

It sounds like a very stressful situation. Must be so difficult.

From what you write it appears obvious that DIL didn't really want to come and leave her family but that your son persuaded her that this would be a great opportunity for them all. But now she arrived it is nothing like your son led her to believe. Your son is unemployed and she is miserable - possibly depressed.

Their situation is very precarious - as she is on a tourist visa she won't be entitled to anything or even services for herself unless your son gets a job that pays highly enough for her to be entitled to a spousal visa. So I'm not sure that they can get housed even if you evict them.

However I would not be negative about her speaking Chinese to her child as this is normal and natural. Speaking to your child in a language that is not your mother tongue would be very odd.

@Lily65 he has picked up some from the time we did spend with him...but since she started to be rude and kept him away from us to punish us for not being what she insisted we should be, we have hardly seen him.

We have a large lounge, all baby proofed and lots of toys, so it's upsetting that she's cooping him up in a smallish bedroom (the beds take up most of the floor space) and not many toys. I heard her talking in Chinese to him :/

How can the baby learn English if he is in a bedroom with Mum?

Thanks so much Beau!

Well we reached a new low today as she criticised my kettle and said it was dirty. I said she could clean it if she wanted to and returned to work.

I am going to ring the CAB tomorrow with a view to possibly evicting them as I've been crying all day due to her being rude about our house. My son said she does not like our house or pets, but I pointed out that she knew about them before she came - and so did he.

My husband and I are so upset about the lies they have told, including they said they named the baby after my husband and then we saw the birth certificate He's got a Chinese name and no similar name on there at all. We wouldn't have expected it but DS made such a big thing of the fact that he had named him after DH and we had no reason not to believe it. It was a big shock to find out it's not true.

I think she should go back to China because she can get her Granny (read slave) to cook, clean, baby mind , chop firewood , cater to her every whim and go to the market twice a day like she's used to. I simply CAN'T meet her expectations unless I give up work and even then I probably can't due to chronic illness.

She is using the baby like a weapon, keeping him holed up in the bedroom and not letting him play downstairs where there are lots of toys and space...so we are hardly seeing him anyway.

Lavazza, I really hope your situation improves, it sounds incredibly stressful. I lived with my daughter and SIL from the week before DGS was born until just before his second birthday (took that long to build my granny annexe) because I look after him while DD works but I can visualise everything you describe so clearly because it's been very difficult here but not even in the same league as your problems. I suppose the best outcome is that your DS finds a job and DIL tries to become a mother ? but as you say, she might just take the baby back to China and give him back to her parents. It's a heartbreaking situation. ?

@Jalima1108 thanks, I'll leave it there but stop commenting on it so it slips down...

Still cannot believe the audacity of DS and DIL... Fancy saying stuff about our house! It may not be big and we may not be super rich, but it's all we have to offer and we did make them very welcome and provided everything they would need for the baby. Even though we bought clothes and everything it was a one off because they could not carry much on the flight and we expected they would be massively grateful. What brats! Anyway, there is no point doing anything more for them since they can't appreciate what they already have here.
It has helped to post about it. Thanks to all who have read and commented.