Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

Gabriella I didnt say I agreed, I meant thats what they wanted. Obviously its a problem

China's one child policy would make it possible for parents to provide a property and car for their offspring on marriage. Here, only children are the exception rather than the rule.

ILLEGAL online work from your home using your internet connection which is in your name. Oh no no no. Crazy. Your ISP can be traced. Go ahead if you want to be party to illegal activity.
I can't believe you'd agree to letting someone use your home for any illegal purpose. There is no excuse. None.

I might add that it's only a one month advance deposit.

The council will NOT lend them a deposit willy nilly.
He has to fulfill certain criteria which, I very much doubt he will after being here only 2 weeks.
Any deposit is paid straight to the landlord, not the tenant and it is a fixed amount depending on the council's LHA (Local Housing Allowance) for a 1 bed flat. They will not fund a flat deposit elsewhere.
Your son, IF he passed the criteria, would have to tell the landlord he was receiving housing and unemployment benefit as the landlord would need to give the applicant their name ( as ut appears on the bank card, bank sort code and account number and also the address of the property and landlords telephone number as the council usually ring up to confirm details.
You usually have to be in dire straits AND receiving benefits to be allowed to apply and, as your son is living with you, he isn't in dire straits or yet receiving benefits.
It is a small finite fund which is administered cautiously to only the more deserving cases.
I know this as I have been instrumental in dealing with these problems in my voluntary work with homeless charities.
Your son's partner cannot work until she has applied for and granted a work visa which is finite and must be renewed otherwise she would face deportation.
Have you ever thought that this was the plan all along? Free health care, better pay and 'granny' to cushion the realities of life.
Some of your OP doesn't make sense.
You say that your son 'messed up his degree' to be with her (translator)
Was he taking the degree in Asia and left the course, or was he taking the degree here and left to be with her in Asia which begs the question, how did he he get to know her?
Personally, I think you've made a rod for your own back.
You don't say how old your son is, or what jobs he has previously had or if he's ever worked at all.
Frankly, it sounds a right mix and I wouldn't be surprised if it all came tumbling down around your ears.
Son sounds as if he'd quash your ability to see your grandson if you didn't meet his requests and that's not good.
All I can say is...good luck.

M0nica, thanks for the advice.

They have only been here a fortnight and already things are falling apart, both between them and between you and them.

I think the next step forward is a visit to Citizen's Advice for them to get proper advice on how they get themselves established over here. They need advice on benefits, getting a home, a job, sorting her visa and possibly a course on British culture for his wife.

You could ask CA about how she can make contact with the Chinese community in your area. Meeting other people who are ahead of her in the assimilation process will probably be very helpful, plus discussing cultural differences.

No she cant work legally but wants to do (illegal) online work

Yes, a European spouse is often seen as a trophy because the children will be born with what they describe as round eyes.

My father was seconded to the Malayan army after Independence and several Chinese officers sent to the UK to train returned with British wives and the older generations delight when the first baby as born and had round eyes.

I never quite understand the excitement I think the shape of Chinese eyes is attractive and is part of the varietyof nations.

Buffybee they left China because they want him to grow up in England and my son is hoping to earn enough to apply for a spouse visa. She can work online, though not legally...

They wanted me to give up my job to care for him while they work and I said no because I can't afford to.
she came on a tourist visa
She can't work then.

I'm sorry, but this gets more and more peculiar.

Pam13 she came on a tourist visa... she has to go back in six months to renew it in China

Loltara I didnt know the council could lend them a deposit, thanks! I will mention it! With JOY!
Son has applied for Universal Credit, but can only claim fir him and the baby and it will take 5-6 weeks to come through.

M0nica no I didn't spoil him, but her family have treated him like a king because hes white and in China that seems to give an elevated position. He didnt use to act like this.

If they like the idea of her culture so much why don’t they live there?
Don’t give up work, they will move on one day and you will be left with nothing

Why aren't they living the life of Riley (whoever he/she is) in China? You could visit. That would be great, wouldn't it?

I agree with other posters, it shouldn't be your problem to fund their lifestyle.

Sue, my husband feels he should get any job even if its Mcdonalds- and start contributing. So do I. We helped set them up and my son had loads of interviews but has been aiming a bit high in order to fulfil spouse visa applications- and hes been unsuccessful.

Hes 17 months old and she gets upset if he eats solids but he seems hungry...

Well..... If it's so great over there and HER Grandma does so much for them, they know what to do.
Don't let your Ds bully you!

It is true that wealthier Chinese parents may buy a property for their son - and that generation will probably only have one child anyway.
However, it is probably true that better-off parents in the UK will give or lend the deposit for a property to their DC as it is so difficult to get on the property ladder.

Most people can't do this, most grandparents in the UK help out as much as they can, and happily, but the expectation is not there to fund their children's lifestyle.
Surely your son realises this?

Flexiblefriend, he is saying "Oh HER Grandma gets up at 5am to chop wood, then goes to the market and cooks three hot meals a day for the family, does all the housework and looks after the baby" THAT sort of thing...Obviously, I need to work and I'm not Chinese so it doesn't really compute...

Lavazza1st
It isn't your 'responsibility at all to provide clothes for your GC. Never mind saying "I feel it's responsibility too", it's his and his partner's responsibility full stop.
GPs only give gifts not funding a lifestyle.
Are they still living with you?
Who is paying the household and food bills?
Who is doing the laundry and housework?
Who is doing the necessary shopping?
Who is doing the cooking?
I can't believe that you are putting up with your selfish son's entitled and bullying attitude.
Tell them to get jobs and move out.

Lavazza, hi and welcome to Gransnet. You've had quite a lot of replies to your OP and some of them asked you to clarify some points.
When you have time to read through them all and answer a few, I'm sure that you will get more advise.
You've now explained on another thread that they arrived from China only two weeks ago.
Why did they leave China and what plans did they have?
It seems to me that your Dil being an translator would be very employable. What kind of work was your Ds in while in China?

Yeah and I am really struggling with this nonsense situation and I didn't need all the flak. I just want what is best for my Grandson and to keep some sanity!

Of course it's genuine! I am really concerned for my Grandson but didn't realise anyone had answered this until I was criticied on my other post! LOLZ
I only registered on Gransnet YESTERDAY so forgive me if I seem a bit dumb. No doubt I'll get familiar with it soon enough (unfortunate that I even need to)