Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

Thanks so much Starlady!
Unfortunately DS1 had mental health problems at college and his therapist suggested family therapy . I saw some letters from his therapst at the time and realised he was lying about us. He refused to involve us, although that is when we realised he had deeper issues. At the time he was stealing from us and lying but we tried to support him as we knew he was troubled. When he went to uni we were relieved and he seemed to have become a nicer person until we ended up living together again, that is.

I think some of his issues are to do with marriage split from his dad, who he was still keeping in touch with last time I heard from my ex. Starlady, you're right. I cant alter his mindset and its better to be apart for now. If only at a tender age he had agreed to family therapy, things might be different. His choice! We can only hope he finds peace. I dont miss the lies and being stolen from, no- not one bit!

Fortunately DS2 has always chosen nice women. We are blessed to have our Grandbaby and his parents here. One day they will have their own place, but babyhood passes so quickly and we're happy to be able to enjoy all the firsts and precious moments.

Thanks for coming back in to update us, Lavazzalst! Sorry you're estranged from that one DS and DIL1, but, unfortunately, I'm not surprised. Sorry to hear they lied to and about you, as well. It's clearly a difficult relationship and, IMO, you may be better off having this "space" from them.

DIL2 sounds delightful by contrast! So glad to hear it! Glad, also, that you have a new GC that you're able to enjoy. Hope all continues to go well and that you keep in touch w/ us!

Thankyou so much Endlessstrife! I was new to Gransnet when I posted it and havent been on here much since as it was a painful time. Finally felt ready to face it.
Hope you'll enjoy it here on GN and find it a supportive environment

Lavazzalst. I was reading your posts yesterday, and didn’t notice how old it was! I wasn’t on GN last year. I’m so glad it’s all settled down for you. It sounded horrendous. We all want to protect our children and grandchildren, but sometimes, the price is too high, as it seemed in your case. I’m so glad your second GC is a joy to you, and hopefully, in the future, you may rekindle your relationship with your older GC. We need to look after our health, because without it, we’re no use to anyone. All the best for you all.

@annodomini thanks for your lovely message. Some people accused me of being a troll at the time, but I was just overwhelmed with sadness. I am really glad to share it and to be able to look back on those supportive conversations almost a year later is better than therapy.
Having a gorgeous new Grandbaby and a DIL who definitely wants to be here really helps.

Lavazza1st, thank you for updating us about your problem. How lovely that you have another DiL and a wonderful GC now living with you. It's not often that another OP gets back to us to tell us how things turned out, so it's been great to hear from you again under happier circumstances. ?

Thanks so much to all who wrote with support on this and my other stories last year.
It was as I expected- Finito! We have not seen nor heard of them since they left. Hardly surprising given that my DIL lied about me. I had brief news of them via my ex husband about 4 months ago, who told me they had lied to me about various things, but we only speak when absolutely necessary so I don't know anymore. Their choice!

My second Grandbaby has been born and come to stay with us for three months (plus parents of course!) while China work to eradicate Coronavirus.
DIL2 could not be more different than DIL1 (thankfully!) and I admire her mothering skills. She is very capable and intuitive to the baby's needs, oh what a joy! The baby is happy and well fed. The home feels harmonious!

Time for ultimatums, you could consider giving them notice to quit. My closest friend in France, had exactly the same situation. Her son had, and is still having many years down the line, issues with finding permanent employment. The Chinese wife, thought as my friends were very well heeled and another son who was a doctor and also affluent, that, she would be moving into accommodation and similar situation as their’s. The marriage came to dire straits, before she got the plot. Not wishing to be a Job’s comforter please get on to the immigration website, and check that you are secure, knowing that she is working on a tourist visa. As it’s work in China, she can probably get permission for that, but you don’t need a backlash on yourself or your husband.

Totally in agreement with M0nica’s comments.

Yes, not being funny here, but where is DS during the day then?

Ds still hasn't got a job
so what is he doing all day long? Why can't he cook/look after the baby/do some housework/washing etc?
Is he helpless?

Oops I meant DH feels the same...

@muffinthemoo I also feel I've been lead up the garden path. They both lied to me so much that if I knew the truth I would not have allowed them to stay here. Ds feels the same. We feel really hurt by their actions, but realise DiL is maybe acting in ignorance while Ds was expecting us to fill the gaps. Before they left China Ds said she wanted to be a full time Mum and that she only worked 2 hours a day. I didnt look into the legality of that at the time, but shes working a lot more. I agreed with her to have him between 12 and 2pm every day while she worked but when she arrived she expected me to cook her lunch every day instead and used the baby as a weapon- so because I don't cook in the middle of the day she keeps the baby away from me. I originally agreed to have him because I thought I could give him lunch and take him out somewhere nice because I need daylight in my lunch breaks. I thought with the weather getting warmer we'd go for picnics etc. I didn't know she had lied to me and would keep trying to change the goal posts. I won't allow the goal posts to be changed. I am here for the original time we agreed, to take him out while I'm taking a long lunch break. I hate cooking and only do it once a day in the evening. I would definitely NOT agree to cook at lunchtime and resent it being suggested. I feel she needs to integrate. It's not for the baby's sake either since he eats British food and it's usually pasta she cooks and not Chinese stuff. She hogs the kitchen and makes loads of washing up for herself, I'm not sure why she feels it necessary to cook pasta meals at lunchtime but I havent interfered. It really is her problem if she chooses to do that.

She still works for the same employer (online) so has not lost any pay. I don't agree with her working on a tourist visa but it's not my problem and its one of the least troubling ones in our house right now. Picking my battles to help Gs thrive is more important to me as they're clueless. Trying not to interfere, but making sure Gs basic needs are being met!

Ds still hasn't got a job. We got fed up of them keeping baby up and playing downstairs because of other kids still in education and demanding jobs/tiredness/chronic illness so told them to either use a cot so they could have an evening or all go to bed by 8pm. They have chosen to all go to bedroom at 8pm, so it gives no time for discussion and they are failing to settle him so he's still screaming at midight. I've been really unwell from stress and not really coping with the situation, but doing my best.

Oh, I increasingly suspect (without any disrespect to Lavazza, who is bearing the unexpected brunt of all this) that DS completely snowed DIL about his (indeed, their) economic prospects in the UK and expected his parents to bail him out of the consequences of him having given her totally unrealistic expectations.

DIL is likely to feel enormous shame returning to her home country after being taken for a ride like this.

But one of the problems is that the baby doesn't go to bed! See Lavazza's last post. So it must be difficult to find time for proper discussion.

OP sleeping for so long can be a sign of depression. It seems your son may have exaggerated your ability and means of helping .. and possibly even the size of your house and the presence of pets. And he doesn't seem to like you getting closer to your DDil - could it be because you might ask her what he said or promised to win her and her family? I have some sympathies for her (as well as for you) - as an interpreter she would have been reasonably well paid and now she can only work illegally; he is finding it difficult to get a job or interviews because he's underqualified for some if not all; her family did everything for the baby and they are now having to cope; she has no friends to talk things over with. I do recommend PP's suggestions of finding her the right local Chinese contacts. And for the 4 of you to sit down and discuss things as calmly as possible when the baby is in bed.

The Health Visitor is taking an age to respond. Ds registered at SureStart for a Hv as the GP surgery took so long. Other's tell me HV do not get involved these days unless parents want, due to a lack of funding. Don't know if this is true.

I haven't gone to the HV because I've been told she will tell Ds and things are strained at home already because we only have one reception room and it's got a baby in it playing til late at night because "he doesn't like going in a cot". In a matter of months he will be back in the land of his birth and Ds assures me that his diet was "much worse" there! Really don't feel I can do or say anything, but quite frustrated with the whole situation.

Floradora there is probably a data protection issue that might prevent that!

Has this baby ever seen a health visitor ? I know you were worried about his diet and if I were you I would phone the local clinic and ask for a visit. All children should have visits now and again and this might jolt them into changing their ways . You could tell the HV your wories before she comes and ask her not to say why she was asking these questions.

@Phoenix I agree with you and I do wonder the same, unfortunately.

On yes, it's so easy to just get a job in "the city" especially with an unfinished qualification and little if no previous experience. (Please forgive me if I've got some of this wrong.)

Sorry to say this, but has your son perhaps blagged her with regard to his prospects?

I have a feeling that this is not going to end well

PS She means In the city of London. Where property prices are even more astronomical than here. I'm not sure what kind of bubble she's living in, but it's about to burst even though it won't be me who bursts it.

It's my son's fault if he has allowed her to think anything like this would happen. We don't own a property of our own, even. What was he even thinking getting her pregnant and bringing here here??? We love Gs but are worried to get too close...

Ridiculous indeed!

@Starlady Yes I went to CNY celebrations with her and prepared a feast for the actual day.

You are right, it's not really up to me who makes breakfast...I may not have explained but it's a bit more than that. She is actually working online (probably a grey area but not my problem) and is making my son do most of the childcare, which leaves him with little time to look for jobs.

I totally agree, if they want to do things the Chinese way they can go back to China but if they want to be here, they need to integrate. I have taken DiL to Mother and toddler groups a couple of times, with the aim that she gets to know other Mums and gets a social life. She seemed to enjoy it, but not sure if she'll keep it up.

So sorry Ditzy for your sad experience. I am also a bit worried they might take Gs away. I have health issues that prevent me from taking care of him full time, but allow me to do desk work. They just need to stop trying to force their ways on me, really.

I think DiL will definitely have to go back as DS has still not got a job. She has been throwing toys out of pram that he can't get a job in the city and "just" buy a flat there. She really has no idea about money and UK prices. Not my problem, so I haven't said a word!

Yeah apparently the GROOM's parents are supposed to buy the house, hence contentiousness... No body told US that though before they got married and we aren't able to in any case. Ridiculous!

Cabbie21,are you for real? re toilet breaks
Quote.'some days when my husband was working from home I would make an appointment with him to let me go to the toilet?Trust he had a stop watch to hand?