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Ils muscling in on baby AIBU?

(43 Posts)
Chucky Thu 14-Feb-19 07:16:01

To give some background. My dd1 has had some mental health issues, self harming, overdose etc. due to previous disastrous and abusive relationship. This has left her with low self worth.
She has now been in a relationship with her dp for 8 years.
Few years on and he has a far better job than she has, but expects her to save and usually pay for what needs done in their home, he spends what he has.
He has never had the greatest relationship with his family, his dm drove him out of her home, we took him in as he had nowhere to go. His younger sister is also pretty demanding, asking to borrow money etc. and not paying back.
I gave them the deposit to buy a house (not because well off but because they needed somewhere to live).
Despite not wanting a family, dd phoned, crying saying she was pregnant. I went along to see them (he had made her phone me) as he often works away and wanted her to have my support. I was asked to not tell anybody, which I didn’t, not even dh. Her dp really wants the baby, but I think this is only reason she has kept it. She hasn’t had a great pregnancy, 2 threatened miscarriages, and they had to tell rest of immediate family, while asking them not to tell others. His mother, on hearing dd was pregnant, burst into tears as she was so happy and begged to be able to tell her extended family. From not wanting to have relationship with ds she is now all over her son, sister is same. I however have noticed that they both only talk about looking forward to spending time with son and baby, my daughter isn’t in the equation, which makes me feel quite bitter. Her dp has always been treated as one of the family with us but it hasn’t been reciprocated with my dd by ils.
Throughout pregnancy my dd has left organising nursery etc. to her dp. If I say about anything, she just says to speak to her dp as it is up to him! I know a lot of her problems are because she doesn’t know how she will cope financially, and her dp is in considerable debt. Unknown to my dh and to help with dds worrying I have loaned her dp £21000 to clear his debts, with the proviso that he pays me back a fair set amount every month, until the debt is cleared (at the interest rates he was paying, only a very small amount of debt total was being payed off each month and it would have taken forever to clear it). I did give him a couple of months holiday prior to starting payments, so they could pay for necessary things for baby etc.
His dm is now on Facebook nearly every day, with a countdown to baby’s due date, posting pictures of what she has bought and how they will be looking after baby and taking it away places. My dd just doesn’t seem to be in the equation and I think it is bringing previous self worth problems out again. I know it is up to dd and her dp but I am getting really angry at ils attitude as feel that she was a really shit mother to daughter’s dp, but now she is going on about how fantastic a grandmother she will be to baby.

Lily65 Thu 14-Feb-19 08:28:32

When is it time to back off and establish boundaries with adult children?

I started when they were in their early teens. Of course we know we love each other and they can ask for support, or I will ask them for support. Other than that we live out lives the best we can.

I cannot comprehend this level of involvement.

Lucca Thu 14-Feb-19 08:31:35

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Lily65 Thu 14-Feb-19 08:41:36

Lucca, on reflection you may be right.

Why do people do this? Feel foolish now.

MissAdventure Thu 14-Feb-19 08:44:38

I think that the impression some people give out on Facebook and the reality are often very different, so I wouldn't worry about that too much.
Apart from wanting to protect and look after your daughters' wellbeing, the other issues (such as what kind of mum the in law was/is) are beyond your control.
Concentrate on what you can do, which is to support your daughter with her problems.

M0nica Thu 14-Feb-19 08:46:53

I understand that your daughter's mental health problems and previous disastrous relationship must make you feel very protective of her, but as Lily65 says, you need to stand back from this relationship and let it take its course. She is an adult woman and must face up to the realities of the situation she has got herself into and not look to you to sort all her problems out.

Your daughter is in another abusive relationship and currently what you are doing is enabling this abusive relationship by constantly propping it up financially. Stop 'lending' them money, you know not a penny of it will come back to you, and it is just impoverishing you. Your DD's partner and family must see you as the Golden Goose, constantly laying golden eggs.

You sometimes need to be cruel if you truly love someone and this is just such a case. Step back from playing any part in your daughters relationship, most of all do not give them another penny, no matter how much they plead and try to emotionally blackmail you by claiming you are damaging the baby etc. Because believe me, emotional blackmail already plays a clear part in their relationship with you.

Hard advice I know, and uncomfortable facts. But the best way you can help your daughter at present is to walk away from her.

Urmstongran Thu 14-Feb-19 08:48:36

Wow you have some serious stash if you can quietly loan your daughter & her partner the deposit for a place to buy, without your husband knowing - then loan them another large sum of £21,000.
I have no useful comment to make on your family dynamics.

Lily65 Thu 14-Feb-19 08:59:48

OH dear Urmstongran, I feel silly now. Memo to self, consume 2 coffees before commenting.

Urmstongran Thu 14-Feb-19 09:05:32

Yes lily65 It’s half term too .... you may as well take your time this week.

MissAdventure Thu 14-Feb-19 09:08:18

There are plenty of parents on here who have given that amount and much more to their adult children.
Its hardly unheard of.
I pointed it out on a thread about being thrifty!

harrigran Thu 14-Feb-19 09:11:25

That is not a serious stash, it is what you would expect to have at our age as savings. OP did say it was just a loan and it needs to be repaid
I think most of us would help DC financially if we could. No advice about in-laws as we all seem to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

M0nica Thu 14-Feb-19 09:11:57

MIssA, but in cases like this, it not how much is given but the circumstances under which it is given - and in this case it is to support an abusive relationship and to a certain extent has been coerced from the OP by emotional blackmail.

For all we know, she could be borrowing the money or have mortgaged her home to pay it.

MissAdventure Thu 14-Feb-19 09:13:21

She may well have done.
I just find it strange that people ridicule the idea that parents help their children financially as if it can't possibly be true.

Urmstongran Thu 14-Feb-19 09:13:51

I must be out of step then. I think it’s a huge amount of money to be able to give - especially so since the husband isn’t even aware that it’s gone!
I must live in a parallel universe....

MissAdventure Thu 14-Feb-19 09:15:21

I'd be lucky to lend anyone a tenner, but there are people on here who have bought property, pay allowances, and all sorts for the 52 year old 'child'.

luluaugust Thu 14-Feb-19 09:21:31

I can only agree with Urmstongran and if the DP doesn't know his debts have been paid off won't he just carry on and build up another lot? I hope all goes well with the baby but after that some really really serious talking needs to be done here.

M0nica Thu 14-Feb-19 09:29:56

I admit to being a protaganist for AC standing on their own feet, but like most parents/grandparents who can afford it, we do help our AC, but on a very ad hoc basis and in relatively small amounts. Our last big expenditure was redecorating and refurnishing DGC bedrooms when they stopped sharing a bedroom, but that was done as birthday presents to DGC.

But I do agree, the amounts being given here are large, large in the sense that any relationship that needs this amount of money to be donated by an outside source to be sustainable is a relationship that is inherently unsustainable so the money is being thrown away to no purpose.

I do understand that the OP is very protective of an AD with a history of mental illness.

Lily65 Thu 14-Feb-19 09:55:47

harrigran........savings? Jesus what planet are you on? Most people I know have nothing.

Missfoodlove Thu 14-Feb-19 10:10:19

I feel there are some harsh comments.
At the end of the day all we want is for our children to be happy.
If I had a daughter with the same history I would do anything to prevent her spiralling in to a depression.
You have been very generous financially and I would advise that you formalise the agreement and stipulate that they should have a joint account so your daughter had some financial control.
Is the house in joint names? If not why not?
I would also come clean and tell my husband that I had loaned the money. The partner may be more inclined to make the payments if he knows your husband is also aware.
Facebook is full of attention seeking, virtue signalling idiots, the in-laws probably feel inadequate if they are aware of the financial support you have given and feel the need to advertise their offerings on social media.
I wish your daughter well, motherhood may be just what she needs.

Chucky Thu 14-Feb-19 11:28:21

@MissAdventure I do not have a lot of money. The money for house deposit came from my inheritance after dm died, which I split between my dc. The loan was my lump sum retirement pot.

@Monica The in laws do not know about this loan. I am extremely worried about my daughter, who I adore and will do anything to stop her spiralling into the depression she previously had. Plus it was probably only going to be a matter of time before they lost their house. I can’t walk away as I would rather be seen as a facilitating mother, than a bereaved mother. She hadn’t known dp was in so much in debt and wanted to take out a loan to pay offt debts, but he wouldn’t pay her back, whereas he is paying me back.

@Urnstongram My husband knew about the money given for house deposit. As for the loan, my husband is very unwell, therefore I do not think he needs/will ever need to know about it.

@Missfoodlive Thank you for your comments which have been very kind, unlike some others.
The arrangement is formalised, and is in writing. He has so far paid 3 months on time.

MissAdventure Thu 14-Feb-19 11:32:00

I don't mind how much money you have or haven't got, Chucky.
It wasn't me who mentioned it.

sodapop Thu 14-Feb-19 11:57:31

I would count myself very fortunate if I had those sort of savings harrigran .

Lily65 Thu 14-Feb-19 12:13:24

I apologise for writing " Jesus" it was very rude of me.

OP sorry but please consider your boundaries and seek professional help in the form of counselling.

Beau Thu 14-Feb-19 12:24:32

Chucky, you have been exceedingly generous and put your own retirement lump sum at risk, hopefully the DP will appreciate this but he doesn't sound too sensible and I don't like the sound of his family much either tbh. His mother sounds as though she assumes that your DD will be straight back to work and that she (MIL) will be looking after the baby - is that what it sounds like to you? In your place I would also be worried especially with your DD's potential mental state after the birth. The DP will need to up his game after the baby is born but how likely is that to happen? All you can do is be there for your DD and look out for danger signs - this does not sound like a good situation.

Chucky Thu 14-Feb-19 14:07:11

@Beau in reality mil works full time, but has offered 1 day a fortnight childcare, with her daughter doing 1 day a fortnight too (alternating Fridays). To be honest I think even this will not be reliable as she has frequent holidays, spends everything she earns (wonder who dds partner got his financial ability off?) His ds is desperate for a baby, she is nearly 40 and lost one last year and now doesn’t have a partner. She has considered adoption but now my dd is pregnant has put that on back burner? I think she considers this child will fill that hole in her life.
Yes dds dp will have to “up” his game but my thoughts are the same as yours, that it may be unlikely. However the loan he has taken from me may be a bargaining tool if the relationship founders, for her to keep the house!

Dd intends to return to work when ds is 3 months old, as that is all the time she can afford to take off.