Ils muscling in on baby AIBU?

You have a lot of worries in your life Chucky ?

So looking after a baby intermittently on alternate Fridays is all part of some master plan to fill a gap left due to wanting a baby?
And the sister and brother have both inherited the " bad with money" genes?

I understand your concern, but your daughter is an adult. She needs to take responsibility for her child and for her situation. If she has a problem with her dp's mother, she needs to be a big girl and sit down and hash it out. Conversely, she may not have a problem with the situation. I wonder if it's possible that you're focusing on your reaction so much that you're thinking it's how she should be feeling rather than how she is feeling. It does sound as if dp's mother may have a case of "baby rabies", but that's something your DD needs to address if she finds it a problem.

@Lily65 why stop looking into adoption because you are going to have a dn?

@agnurse Dp has taken his mother’s side previously against my dd, and it took a while for him to realise how wrong he had been. They did split up over it. They got back together and had been nc with his family up until his gp passed away last year. Dd is worried that dps dm will gets her claws back into her son and it is putting extra stress on her. It’s not my view, but hers, as I think she knows (unfortunately) that I am the only person she can 100% trust to be on her side.

My daughter struggles with friendships as previous abusive relationship spiralled due to her (as she thought at the time) bf sleeping with her previous fiancé. This left her with very low self worth and self harm, breakdown etc. This has made her rather needy at times, which her dp struggles with. Dp sometimes can’t cope with my dd and calls me for help with her. I wish it wasn’t so, as I know it hurts him.

Who is going to look after the baby if your DD goes back to work after 3 months, Chucky? That's very quick - my DD went back after 4 months and I moved up here to look after DGS but it was very hard for her. Nursery fees are expensive and if DP makes DD pay for everything, I struggle to see how that is going to play out, even without MH issues and the 1 day per week help of MIL and SIL.

What’s a gp grandparent, Doctor godparent I don’t know ? I m finding this very hard with all the dps and dgs (Dd is worried that dps dm) but anyway that’s my problem I personally think you sound way too involved you seem to know even what the mother in law is thinking You are obviously following all her posts on Fb and sound really quite obsessed with what everyone is doing saying thinking
Having said that I can totally understand how worried and a bit frightened you are after seeing your daughter so mentally poorly She sounds quite detached from everyone including the baby and I think it’s probaby less about his family taking over, than your daughter handing over, maybe it will change when the little one is actually here and she has three months with him/her
If the in laws are only going to be looking after the baby some Fridays who will look after it the rest of the time when she goes back to work ?
She has low self worth due to bf sleeping with her previous fiance? So was this a gay relationship ? Was she a confident child/ young person before these strange relationships happened
Lastly I think loaning the boyfriend £21000 on top of a house deposit which was probably another £20,000 was a disasterous move and I should definitely get that all drawn up properly with a solicitor that’s a mighty lot of saving to lose
What a tangle no wonder you so worried

@BeauDd works in hospitality so works every weekend. Her dp will have dc at weekend. His dm/ds 1 day. She looks after her ds, my dd2s, daughters 2 days a week. Dd2 is going to look after her dc at least 1 day a week in return. I will help out 1 day plus as and when I can, for emergencies etc. so hopefully childcare will be covered.

@BlueBelle You are right, she does seem very detached from baby. I hope this changes after he/she is born.
The house deposit was a gift, from my inheritance after dm passed away. As for the £21000, I have drawn up a loan agreement for her dp, which has been signed by us both, as I cannot lose that money!
Maybe I am becoming too obsessive, but worrying about all this, when I should be worrying about dh (dear husband), is dragging me down. Or maybe it is giving me relief from worrying about dh. I don’t know!
I get mixed up with all abbreviations too, but in this case gp is grandparent, dear daughter is worried that dear partners dear mother and best friend sleeping with previous fiancé. Hope that’s clearer.

Yes I m sure all the relatives are dear to you ? it’s not obiglatory to call everyone dear
What I was wondering was if your daughter had always had detachment issues which is why I asked if she was a happy confident child
I hope the financial agreement is properly drawn up through a solicitor
You certainly have a lot to worry about at the moment maybe you should concentrate on your husband and let your daughter and partner sort things out themselves
What I don’t get is your title In laws are musseling in on baby The baby isn’t even born yet so why are you so concerned with something that hasn’t even happened if they are having it one day a week why is that ‘muscelling in’
I really really would try and back off a bit because if your daughter is very sensitive your anxieties will be rubbing off on her Does she know how ill her dad is ?

I think Chucky is saying in the original post that the daughter's partner's mother threw him out and wanted nothing to do with her son so Chucky took him in. Now there is a potential grandchild in the picture she has done a complete u turn and is all over Facebook talking about this baby and what she's bought it etc. with a countdown to the baby's due date but never any mention of Chucky's daughter at all - very odd behaviour and worrying particularly given Chucky's daughter's past problems.

Hi Chucky,
It's possible to get this loan turned into a legal agreement via a solicitor for around £100, the last time I checked, and this could be explained as you've recognised you've a lot to deal with right now and you'd like to keep it a clear financial agreement as you need to focus on taking care of you DH and it would be good for both of you to be confident that the repayment agreement is settled.

With regards to your daughter it seems that there's a more delicate conversation to be had but which also involves boundaries.
At this point I'm talking with you as someone who was financially/emotionally abused by an ex husband, and also as someone who became a Relate councillor and it seems that your daughter is taking on too much financial responsibility for her partner, as are you, and this is something which is a complex situation, so feel free to private message me if this is something you'd like to address.

With regards to the ILs, this seems like a situation which is usual with social media where people employ a 'projected persona', people tell others what they want they want others to think of them and there's not much you can do about this other than perhaps 'unfollow' them which they'll be unaware of. You can still dip on to their timeline by searching for their name and add an occasional comment to create an image of harmony if this is important whilst also taking care of yourself and it will mean that you can begin to create boundaries.

It seems like this is causing you a lot of upset and confusion as well as stress as you're the only one taking responsibility for the health and well being of your family and that's a huge task.

How can you detach before you attach?

Chucky has gone to see a film.

Few years on and he has a far better job than she has, but expects her to save and usually pay for what needs done in their home, he spends what he has.

This is financial abuse. If they are living as a family then money needs to be family money. All money in. Bills paid and then anything left is split equally.

Thank you all for your comments, some of which have been very helpful, and I have taken on board what you have said.
I realise that I may have to step back, though I know I will struggle to do so due to my worries about daughters MH.
Will just have to see what happens when baby arrives!

Chucky sorry if you've already answered, but is the house you paid the deposit for in joint names? did you get the second loan witnessed as well as signed? Should the worst come to the worst, what financial protection do you and your DD have?

What a mess!