Ils muscling in on baby AIBU?

harrigran........savings? Jesus what planet are you on? Most people I know have nothing.

I admit to being a protaganist for AC standing on their own feet, but like most parents/grandparents who can afford it, we do help our AC, but on a very ad hoc basis and in relatively small amounts. Our last big expenditure was redecorating and refurnishing DGC bedrooms when they stopped sharing a bedroom, but that was done as birthday presents to DGC.

But I do agree, the amounts being given here are large, large in the sense that any relationship that needs this amount of money to be donated by an outside source to be sustainable is a relationship that is inherently unsustainable so the money is being thrown away to no purpose.

I do understand that the OP is very protective of an AD with a history of mental illness.

I can only agree with Urmstongran and if the DP doesn't know his debts have been paid off won't he just carry on and build up another lot? I hope all goes well with the baby but after that some really really serious talking needs to be done here.

I'd be lucky to lend anyone a tenner, but there are people on here who have bought property, pay allowances, and all sorts for the 52 year old 'child'.

I must be out of step then. I think it’s a huge amount of money to be able to give - especially so since the husband isn’t even aware that it’s gone!
I must live in a parallel universe....

She may well have done.
I just find it strange that people ridicule the idea that parents help their children financially as if it can't possibly be true.

MIssA, but in cases like this, it not how much is given but the circumstances under which it is given - and in this case it is to support an abusive relationship and to a certain extent has been coerced from the OP by emotional blackmail.

For all we know, she could be borrowing the money or have mortgaged her home to pay it.

That is not a serious stash, it is what you would expect to have at our age as savings. OP did say it was just a loan and it needs to be repaid
I think most of us would help DC financially if we could. No advice about in-laws as we all seem to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

There are plenty of parents on here who have given that amount and much more to their adult children.
Its hardly unheard of.
I pointed it out on a thread about being thrifty!

Yes lily65 It’s half term too .... you may as well take your time this week.

OH dear Urmstongran, I feel silly now. Memo to self, consume 2 coffees before commenting.

Wow you have some serious stash if you can quietly loan your daughter & her partner the deposit for a place to buy, without your husband knowing - then loan them another large sum of £21,000.
I have no useful comment to make on your family dynamics.

I understand that your daughter's mental health problems and previous disastrous relationship must make you feel very protective of her, but as Lily65 says, you need to stand back from this relationship and let it take its course. She is an adult woman and must face up to the realities of the situation she has got herself into and not look to you to sort all her problems out.

Your daughter is in another abusive relationship and currently what you are doing is enabling this abusive relationship by constantly propping it up financially. Stop 'lending' them money, you know not a penny of it will come back to you, and it is just impoverishing you. Your DD's partner and family must see you as the Golden Goose, constantly laying golden eggs.

You sometimes need to be cruel if you truly love someone and this is just such a case. Step back from playing any part in your daughters relationship, most of all do not give them another penny, no matter how much they plead and try to emotionally blackmail you by claiming you are damaging the baby etc. Because believe me, emotional blackmail already plays a clear part in their relationship with you.

Hard advice I know, and uncomfortable facts. But the best way you can help your daughter at present is to walk away from her.

I think that the impression some people give out on Facebook and the reality are often very different, so I wouldn't worry about that too much.
Apart from wanting to protect and look after your daughters' wellbeing, the other issues (such as what kind of mum the in law was/is) are beyond your control.
Concentrate on what you can do, which is to support your daughter with her problems.

Lucca, on reflection you may be right.

Why do people do this? Feel foolish now.

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When is it time to back off and establish boundaries with adult children?

I started when they were in their early teens. Of course we know we love each other and they can ask for support, or I will ask them for support. Other than that we live out lives the best we can.

I cannot comprehend this level of involvement.