Husband with dementia

Sharp as a needle!!!!!

Oh op honestly you must do what’s right for you.

My mum has vascular debenture and dad is becoming worn out. I help as much as I can but equally still have grandparent and kid duties.

When I mum sit I feel the sheer tediousness of it with the same questions and watching the sane TV shows. Dad is as sharp as a button so it’s hell for him.

I and ds will absolutely support him using day care of s home.

Your family should too. Never mind about inheritance as you say this is the autumn of your life and you should be enjoying it. You deserve it.

YADNBU. Caregiver role strain is a major problem among people who care for someone with chronic illness. With dementia it's often 24/7 care.

This issue is close to my heart as my grandmother has dementia and lives in a facility. Family members were adamant that they could care for her "until end of life". That lasted about a year. Then they recognized that this wasn't feasible. They found her a very nice facility where she is happy, she has things to do, and above all, she's SAFE. Mum and some of her siblings who live nearby visit regularly - Mum goes once a week.

There is a considerable difference between leaving someone in a nursing home to rot and recognizing that their care needs are too heavy to be met at home, while continuing to visit them regularly in the facility. The reality with dementia is that his care needs will increase, they won't get better. If it's getting to be too much for you he probably needs to be assessed for a facility sooner rather than later.

Speaking as one who has done 24/7 dementia care (my FiL), unless the family are willing to take over a good deal of his care - by which I mean at least a week at a time - I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

From all I've gathered (my mother also had dementia for many years) it's not uncommon for family who are not doing the bulk of the caring, to object to residential care, because of the drain on their inheritance.

IMO the decision belongs firmly with the person who's doing much or all of it.

Thankyou for your lovely kind message BradfordLass72. I tried to reply to it but it would'nt go. Must be something to do with it traveling all the way from NZ!

farmgran, lots of love and sympathies to you. I did geriatric nursing, in the days when we had hospital specialising in care for the elderly. Dementia patients are difficult to take care off. I remember one lovely neighbour, who was an absolute delight, until he got dementia. His wife was so caring, but often I would find him miles away from his home, when I was out, and would get him in the car and take him home. His children were horrified when he came to hospital, as they thought mum should care for him. I suggested that each one of them had him for four weeks, before they had an opinion. Believe me, none of them wanted to. It was even hard for my colleagues to accept that normally this violent abusive man, was a gentle soul, who would lean over the wall and give you help and advice about your garden. You are brave and strong, grab some ‘me’ time, if you can.

My friend’s husband is similarly not a gregarious person and for the last couple of years she has resisted any sort of day care as “he would hate that sort of thing”
However, last week he asked “Am I going to that place again tomorrow or do I have to sit in my chair all day?”
So sad really , but it proved to her that he likes it and is actually benefiting from the stimulus, so far from feeling guilty for “putting him in” the day Centre, she has found he really enjoys it..

Thanks all you lovely grans. I'm going to think about it over the next week and then give the needs assessment nurse a ring.
He's not violent or angry or paranoid, he just has absolutely no short term memory.

Ann60 that is great advice coming from one who has been there and bought the T-shirt x

Good post, ann. I'm so glad it has worked well for you!

My H has dementia and last year ( April) he had a stroke, he had already been in hospital a year ago after a bad fall.
I can only say that last year for me was horrendous.
I was given 6 weeks respite by SS and from about September my H went to daycare 1 day a week from 9.30am to 5pm.
This was a lifeline but I was mostly too tired to do much.
About October I realised I couldn't carry on, my H is 82 and I am 81.
I was lucky to get him in the care home he had his respite and daycare, he went in permanently on November 21st.

I am relieved and happily surprised that he has settled very well and is content.
My own health and wellbeing has improved so much.
I visit 3 times a week and he is pleased to see me but quite content when I leave.

Please do it, you deserve a life, the AC must be made to see that.
Your H will settle and be fine, but do it for your sake and not his., and get your lfe back.
I assure you that you will feel better towards him than you do now, resentment is not a good feeling and that will disappear.

I help run Carer's courses for people caring for people with dementia.

They, and you, all deserve medals. But everyone has their limits and it sounds as though you have reached yours. I think you know that really.

One of my school friends has dementia She is sweet with it and not greatly troublesome but her husband is obviously finding it more and more overwhelming as he does everything their only child doesn’t live nearby and they seem to have little to do with two children from her previous marriage
He is introducing a care home very gently, it started with half a day a week for weeks, then one day a week, now it’s two days a week, and sometimes overnight he calls it her club it seems to be working for them

I really get mad when kids talk about "their inheritance " ! It's not "theirs", its yours to do with as you see fit.

If they are so against you accessing a care home, they might like to take their Dad for an extended period of time, caring for him 24/7 to see what they are actually asking you to do ! They might think differently if they had to do it themselves.

You're doing your best - don't ruin your life looking after your DH, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to if you could ask him. I'm sure that like most men, if he still had his faculties he'd say " good heavens, put me in a home ! I don't want to be a burden on you ! "

Take care of yourself, don't let the younger generation push you into going above and beyond your capabilities.

Hi Leyla, we're in NZ and over here the funds are loaned and payed back when the patient and spouse die and the house etc is sold. Which is a bit hard on the kids as they won't have much of an inheritance!

It's your family who are being unreasonable, Farmgran. A friend's husband is currently hospitalised with dementia and will be moving to a care home soon. He's young, only 70, but it had become nigh impossible to care for him at home any more because he was putting both himself and my friend in physical danger.

His dementia is worsening but conversely his overall situation is improving in that he seems very content where he is. That has in turn improved life for my friend and she can attend to her wider family as well as enjoying 'quality' time with her Dh now she hasn't got the fear of what might happen next looming over her.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. But would you be able to fund it?

A straight answer to your question is simply NO you are not being unreasonable. Put into place arrangements for your DH that give you some space and time too - it's not abandonment it's being kind to you both, which I'm sure he would want for you both. Don't consider anyone else's views just do what is best for both of you. So sorry for you having to make these difficult choices

I might think about it Bluebelle. It might do him good to have some company. I wish we lived closer to town!

Can I just say although my dad was a totally lovely man he wasn’t used to being in any kind of group situation he and mum had just been a couple all through life When mum had to go into a home when it was all beyond us both, he was persuaded to go twice a week to a day centre for company ( he was still very astute) he absolutely loved it and made friends so easily he so looked forward to his two days there but he would have said no if asked before

It must be a hard slog farmgran I have no words of wisdom I’m afraid but I’m glad others have been helpful in their replies.
I can only send my best wishes for the future, whatever you decide is best. And ?

Its good to have a vent. Noe that I've written this down and read your supportive replies I know I'm going to have to have him reassessed for long term care.

Lots of really great advice above, hope you can use some of it!

Just wanted to say your not at all unreasonable, and I'm sorry things are difficult for you just now.

Farmgran you only have one life and you sensibly realise that you could have a good few years ahead of you to enjoy. Why don’t you research possible homes. Hopefully your family will come round to the idea. Best of luck.

farmgran he will have to bite the bullet too and never mind the baulking at it,