AIBU to feel offended

I sympathise my daughter was awful with the first one I did everything wrong ! Baby led weaning etc came to s head one day in mothercare ! She spoke to me like I was dirt so I went out to my car crying and drove home ! She was totally shocked we had a big chat and things improved ..When number 2 arrived I helped when needed only and now have them on a Wednesday daytime and occasionally overnight or bsbysit so try and talk to her the DCD 's are worth it xx

I had no GP help either - we always lived far too far away in any case, but I didn't work when dds were very small.

I think the difference now, in many cases, is the huge increase in house prices, relative to incomes, at least anywhere in the SE. Both parents need to work in order to be able to buy even a very modest property. And many of those count themselves lucky to be able to buy any home and be paying their own mortgage, rather than a landlord's.

My dds have had to pay (relative to incomes) a lot more for less 'desirable' houses than dh and I were able to afford, on one salary, at a rather younger age.

When mine were little, both sets of GPs lived too far away to be able to help out and the same has been the case with my DSs' families. We managed and so have they. I didn't start part-time work until DS2 was almost 2, and that was teaching evening classes, gradually increasing until I had three part-time jobs. The GPs were frequent and welcome visitors but that's what they were. If we and our DSs families could mange without the support of GPs, I fail to see why so many grans are so easily imposed on.

jura I am absolutely with you. I just do not understand all these women where the only thing that matters in their lives is their grandchildren.

When mine were young I can remember one neighbour whose parents were at the house all the time doing childcare and DIY. The response of the rest of us was pure horror, none of us could imagine anything worse than having our parents round the house all the time, no matter how much we loved them.

I've done regular childcare in the past and still do quite a few one-offs/emergencies, esp. since dd has to travel for work and SiL who works long hours can't always manage everything. Gdcs are still very little, with a very small age gap, and since frankly I felt unable to cope with two such little ones once no. 2 arrived, we offered to help with (regular) childcare costs instead.

To be frank I would never have put up with this sort of thing. I respect the fact that modern mothers do many things differently, but with some exceptions (like how to lay a baby down to sleep, what to feed them etc.) I would largely do things my way. E.g. my dd would never put a baby in its cot for a much needed nap and let it cry even for just a few minutes - baby would have to be held, or rocked, or pushed round the streets in a buggy, you name it.

I simply wasn't prepared to do that - I was 67 when no. 1 was born and frankly needed that time for my own P and Q! And Gdd was never any the worse for a few minutes of that 'tired' crying.
Given the huge cost of paid childcare I think my dd knew better than to criticise anything I did - she knew she was very lucky to have some childcare for free.

If it were me, I'd tell your dd - as nicely and calmly as possible! - that if she's not happy with the way you do things, she's more than welcome to find an alternative - at £££ per hour.

Why are you doing things for her if they are not good enough, in her opinion?

Go and do something for your self, go on a day out, visit some friends/relatives, have a weekend away and give her a week or so notice, tell her that you will be unavailable for the next few days as you have something else organised so if she needs help, she will have to find it elsewhere. Leave her to her own devices for a while.

Must say I am amazed at the number of grandparents who are basicall expected to bring up their grandchildren - day in, day out. It is NOT your job - be there to help out, in emergencies, etc- but not on dialy basis. We have friends who look after 1 set of grandchildren for 2.5 days a week- and the other set the other 2.5 days. For 2.5 days, they are expected to drive 50+ miles each way at the crack of dawn.

Amazed both that adult children expect this, and that grandparents accept it. My daughters love to know I will be there anytime to help out, or for emergencies- but would never ever expect us to look after the kids on a daily basis. They totally respect we have done a grand job, sort of- and now we have our own lives to live.

BTW as I lived abroad, I had absolutely no help from anyone- and I could have done with some from time to time. Extremes.

You and me both MissA

I'm just glad I'm not doing any weaning.

Baby led weaning does not contribute to obesity. It is great my granddaughter has fed herself since she was 6 months. We only offer hexlthy foods. All my grandchildren were weaned this way. Much better than purées as they eat proper food from the start

If your dd is still needing lots of help could she have a bit of post natal depression?
Also, if it's her first baby she'll want everything doing by the book so to speak..
My dd was very similar after her first child,I helped a lot but rarely got things right enough. By child number three life for me became easier as anything was OK by then!
We've spoken about it since and she says her anxiety was almost overwhelming,she felt guilty I was doing so much and seemed to cope so well when she couldn't.truth was she had a very hard time with number one baby.allsorts went wrong and not through lack of care on anyone's part,which just spiralled into panic and anxiety for her.
She can see now, but it just had to be got through,and we all still love each other dearly.

theoddbird adding a spoonful of sugar to each bottle was printed along with the instructions on the cans of dried milk back in the 70s. Almost unbelievable, but true. I think the theory was that mother's milk was sweeter than formula milk. 'Ostermilk' was, I think, the brand but no doubt all were similar.
As for the poor OP, I would make a cup of tea when the baby was sleeping, and sweetly tell DD that you have given her and your lovely GC a great deal of your time and help, to give them both a good start, and need to withdraw a little now. No further explanation needed - you really have gone above and beyond.

If she doesn't like the way you do things then tell her to employ someone who will.

Milly12 Baby led weaning does, if anything, reduce child obesity, as the child is not having food spooned into their mouths whether they want it or not.
In BLW (though I don't actually like the phrase, just the process) Babies regulate what they eat, stopping when they have had sufficient.
They sit for a family meal, eat with at least one parent, and generally experience meal time as a social as well as nutritional event
As a Foster Carer I have weaned many children this way, and when adopted, their adopters have universally commented on how well the children eat, what a good range of food they eat, and how much easier it is to enjoy meals when they are not having to spoon food into little mouths.
Like all diets, as long as it is low sugar and low salt it is a healthy diet

I agree with posters who think you’re doing too much for your daughter. My mum wasn’t run off her feet with my children - I was!! She used to babysit sonetines and look after them if i had to do something or go to the hairdressers occasionally but it wasn’t demanded of her. As for being run off her feet? Well it’s silly. They aren’t your children. I love my children and my grandchildren but they aren’t mine and I don’t expect to be a major part of their lives - I just want to be a gran no more no less. I often think that some of the grans on here are far too wrapped up in their GC and I don’t think it’s healthy.

What is it with mothers these days? I managed to bring up 5 children without mummy round the corner. If you are constandby pickup on let her do it herself.

Probably just first child syndrome! Wait until she’s had another and another.....she won’t be criticising anything...

Milly12
I find it quite amusing the way that new mothers have to follow prescribed methods of child rearing, especially those that claim to be evidence based when really they only need to look at themselves. The majority are normal healthy females often brought up on Ostermilk or Cow and Gate, weaning started at six weeks and out of nappies at around 12-18months.
I personally consider infant lead feeding/weaning has contributed to the rise in childhood obesity because the child does not always get to recognise proper hunger and the oarent does not know how to control the requests for food.
Ask your daughter if she thinks she has been damaged as a result of being raised by you, and back off and ket her experience mothering.

Oh dear! There are so many of us grans who are being used and sometimes abused by our AC.

The vast majority of them seem to be stressed out because they want or need to work.
Then they decide they want more children, thus adding to the burden, and then it accumulates down to the grandparents. I’ve had it myself in the past and even now feel quite stressed on occasions. My Dd hasn’t taken to motherhood easily and me becoming a gran at 73 am also struggling. Things have eased a bit as she realises that I can’t look after dgs for long periods of time.
They expect too much, don’t they?

You have given a lot of support for a long time. As your DD hasn't said anything eg I can manage now,, do you think her criticism is perhaps her way of hinting you should pull back on your presence? Perhaps you should say you are going to have say a month off and if at the end DD actually tells you she misses your help the make a plan to only help half as much as you do now. Awful though to be criticised so much.

Grannies.... Don't forget its grannies rules when we have the care of our DG.... Remind your DC that we will always do our best and will when we can do what they ask, but we are not staff....and do not want to fall out with them.

I haven’t read all the comments, but I would continue with what I’m doing unless I could really understand where she’s coming from. Actually I think it’s very ungrateful to criticise you at all, considering how much you do...And where did we get this generation of ‘adults’ from that think parents are good for regular ‘babysitting’? If I’m really honest, I think they should look after their own children...and if they’re broke, so be it. Having children and grandchildren myself, I know that sounds harsh but it does seem the money is there...they just want more..You deserve a life of your own and if you’re going to give up a lot of that, your daughter should be appreciative...or you should not do it.

My daughter and SIL were like this and I did child care nearly every day so they could work and buy two houses. They left the kids with me one weekend so they could have some ‘me’ time. The kids were 1 and 6.... and I have a disable husband. When they came home, mid-afternoon,she saw the eldest munching on a banana ( the baby was napping)...the very first thing she said was “ I hope that’s the only banana he’s had today as you know they shouldn’t have anymore than that”?....I said nothing and went into my garden ...it was raining.... she eventually followed me and asked if anything was wrong as I was chopping down a ‘red robin’ in the rain . I asked her iff she really had any objection to the way I looked after her kids or was she just trying to assert her authority. I was mad as hell...she apologised profusely and after a few more words , they left. She has not uttered one word of complaint since that day...kids now 11 and 7...strangely both surviving my bananas and occasional bag of sweeties. Put your foot down and speak out now. Don’t let it fester. She’ll get the message . Free childcare comes with compromise ...she has to learn that and learn it quickly.

I remember catching my mother putting sugar in my daughter's milk. I was shocked. This was back in the 1970s. I have to say that your daughter should not criticise if she is not going to explain how she wants things done. I explained to my mother that this was not done. Talk is the only way to sort this out

Thanks so much for all the comments. My own instincts have been to back off and let her get on with it more independently but I was worried I was being unreasonable and that I shouldn’t let my own feelings matter. Perhaps that reflects the way I reacted to being a mother to my children. It is so reassuring to see other people taking my feelings seriously- lots of good advice here