Gransnet forums


AIBU to feel offended

(78 Posts)
Milly12 Sun 24-Feb-19 17:20:45

My DD had her first baby last summer and I have run off my feet babysitting and generally helping out. She relies heavily on my help but whatever I do she constantly criticises me and tells me I am doing things wrong. I am not the most confident of people and I feel she is constantly undermining me. I know there have been significant changes in the way babies are bought up and I generally check on the internet to check I am doing things the right way but whatever I do never seems good enough for her!

phoenix Sun 24-Feb-19 17:25:34

If she is constantly finding fault, and isn't appreciative of what you do, then stop doing it, and leave her to stand on her own two feet!

janeainsworth Sun 24-Feb-19 17:30:30

Do you ask her how she would like you to do things?

Bridgeit Sun 24-Feb-19 18:18:53

Last summer - then you have given her plenty of help. I think you need to tell her that you are considering leaving her to get on with things especially as you are apparently doing things wrong, it will at least give you an opportunity to have a proper talk , best wishes

Tangerine Sun 24-Feb-19 18:21:26

Perhaps try saying you'd like a chat with her. Say that you want to help and you do your best but recognise things have changed.

Yes, I think you are right to be offended but, if you fall out with your DD, you may see less of your grandchild which won't be nice.

Say you want her advice (even if you don't need it) and she may explain what she means.

Jalima1108 Sun 24-Feb-19 18:27:27

Does she just let you get on with it then criticise or do you ignore the way she would like the baby to be cared for?

Why does she need so much help?

Farmor15 Sun 24-Feb-19 18:35:20

Rather than using internet (there’s lots of conflicting advice there) ask your daughter to show you how she wants you to do things - or even write it down- claim bad memory🙂. Before I was left in charge of 14 month old GC while parents went to hospital for birth of no.2, I was given 2 pages of typed instructions!

I think mother/daughter relationships can be quite complex anyway - I sometimes think back to my mother and how I was quite critical of her, even when she was trying to help.

Luckygirl Sun 24-Feb-19 18:35:51

If she does not tell you how she wants things done, then how can you come up to her scratch?

Though to be fair, it can feel a bit intimidating when you are an anxious new Mum to have this person around who has done it all before.

I think you need to develop a bit of a thick skin if you want to still go on helping and let her remarks wash off you a bit - don't take them to heart; it is just New Mother Syndrome. It only matters if you let it get to you.

mcem Sun 24-Feb-19 18:43:36

Check on the internet? Why not check with your daughter?
Confront her (kindly) and ask where you're going wrong?

BlueBelle Sun 24-Feb-19 18:49:44

When I was looking after small babies I used to ask them to write down the regime and milk amounts etc so I never got it wrong my daughter would leave a note pad with a few bullet points on like ‘usually has nap around 2’ ‘so many ounces at what ever time’ and her phone number of where she would be etc It worked for us and I felt confident I was following a similar pattern ( I never got questioned) and it was my idea not hers

Mycatisahacker Sun 24-Feb-19 19:25:59

Good grief why should you be run off your feet?

It’s her baby not yours. Pull back a little and let her get on with it herself. You live your life and let her sort her own life out.

I help out with my grandson one day and night a week in my house so my rules.

If she’s constantly critisising you let her do it herself. She sounds spoilt op.

lemongrove Sun 24-Feb-19 19:31:07

I can’t believe the number of Grandma’s that either offer or are cajoled into more or less taking care of their own offspring’s babies!
Unless there is real ill health (DD) or she is disabled, why are you doing so much?
Looking after your own child is something that makes you grow up, it’s not enabling for your DD if you do it all for her.

Urmstongran Sun 24-Feb-19 19:43:24

Milly12 where is the baby’s father in all this? I don’t mean to be cheeky.
It just seems you are doing a lot. Is your daughter on maternity leave or is she at work and maybe tired or stressed if she is a single parent?

Anyway, time to communicate! Wait for a good time (baby asleep) put the kettle on and have a heart to heart.

I can understand you checking the internet if you are not overly confident. But perhaps it’s easier all round to discuss the wa forward with your daughter. Good luck kind grandma ☘️

annodomini Sun 24-Feb-19 20:17:05

Arrange to go on holiday - maybe a cruise - but give your DD plenty of warning. She has to learn to get on without your being constantly available.

Washerwoman Sun 24-Feb-19 21:22:04

I feel for you Milly.My DD lives close and when expecting her first baby announced they would use a child minder or nursery on return to work ,and wanted me to be a grandma that babysat because I wanted to .Then she started a new job with a longer commute,and her parnter changed jobs and had lots of overtime.It all got too much for both of us.I was doing two very early starts a week and having the baby at least one night a week,plus extras .I got shattered.She got grumpy and at times very rude and offhand with me.I really was very diplomatic about things that have changed like baby led weaning etc.But the slightest comment seemed to cause offence.I know she was struggling,online a lot for advice and feeling inadequate at times.Plus there were tensions with her partner that thankfully seem to be settling down.
Eventually she reduced her hours and we had a frank discussion - after an argument - and I have withdrawn some of the help.And made it clear,as she is pregnant again,that I'm happy to help but don't want to feel I'm treading on eggshells all the time. I react less if she is abrupt and just walk away calmly - which seems more effective.It really can be very hurtful.As they say you love your children- but don't always like them !
I hope you can find a way to help your DD appreciate and respect the help you are giving.And please put yourself first for a while.You're no help to her if you get so rundown ,and she needs to learn to cope .We all had to.That doesn't mean not being there if she is ill or an emergency happens.But if it's general childcare let her work it out for herself more.
Good luck !

sodapop Sun 24-Feb-19 22:07:22

I agree with Phoenix if you are not helping the way your daughter thinks you should then stop. Explain to her how you feel and that its not a good situation. It may be that she is lacking confidence with the baby but you need to clear the air.

Bagatelle Sun 24-Feb-19 23:06:00

It's a different model from the one you had. They say that babies don't come with instruction manuals, but maybe the internet has changed all that.

I had far more input from the health visitor when mine were little than they've had with the next generation. Every time they have a question they just get referred to Google, and there they're told how everything we did was wrong, starting with laying them on their tummies. I don't know how they survived.

Bibibayliss Mon 25-Feb-19 09:34:33

Its understandable as she is a new mum and the comments are a reflection of her own lack of experience and doubts which she may be projecting on to you. Patience and empathy are great qualities and I am sure you have them in abundance

Grampie Mon 25-Feb-19 09:35:44

Your new granddaughter is the most important person here. Listen well to her Mother but don’t take it personally. After all, she is demonstrating her love as well.

Turn her comments into loving conversations.

GabriellaG54 Mon 25-Feb-19 09:36:49

Run off your feet babysitting and all kinds of other help? Just what is your daughter doing?
I'd leave if she started that kind of selfish behaviour but, rather than that, ask her to write down a list of exactly how she does things that you, in her view, get wrong.
Tell her that if she criticises without showing you the methods she prefers, that you won't be able to help in the way she expects.
Remember, you are her mother, not a servant or a paid nursery nurse and she should be grateful.
She probably knows your weaknesses and plays on your lack of confidence. Don't let her wear you down or abuse you or your generosity.
Tell me...what does she do all day?

Caro57 Mon 25-Feb-19 09:37:53

I find looking after DGCs more stressful than looking after my own children - such a responsibility! I do ask how they like everything doing - it all seems to have changed so much over the years. I think if i was constantly criticised I would back off but - at the end of the day - everyone is alive and kicking!!

luluaugust Mon 25-Feb-19 09:39:08

It's very difficult without knowing why she relies on you so heavily to see what is the right way to go. If she has health problems or a disability then obviously it is different to her getting you to do as much as she can and then having a go at you. You certainly need a heart to heart if it is the latter. I would gradually become less available now, although that has one big drawback - you won't see your GC so much. Step back and see how it goes. Any question of post natal depression?

muffinthemoo Mon 25-Feb-19 09:46:11

The baby's six months old (plus) by now. Is there a reason she's not managing on her own?

henetha Mon 25-Feb-19 10:03:20

She's lucky to have you, isn't she! You're worth your weight in gold, being such a help to her.
I agree with others above who say you need to talk to her really.

Barmeyoldbat Mon 25-Feb-19 10:05:05

She is treating you worse than a servant. I would tell her that as you are doing everything wrong you will not be doing it anymore util she shows you some respect and works with you. Just walk away for the time being.