To not end this relationship because my children don’t want me in it?

Ww please don't give up your BF. Your children are being unfair. I know that mine would love me to find a new relationship, not least so that they don't have to worry about me being alone! Stay strong x

One thing adult children seem to overlook is the longer term. If someone’s widowed or divorced father were to fall for me (and me him) and he and I decided to build a life together, statistically I am likely to live longer than him. Down the line I’m likely to be the one caring for him if he should need it. If he remains alone, the responsibility if going to fall to them or care fees eat into their precious inheritance.

This argument that every potential partner is a golddigger is specious. In addition to the experience I recounted on page two of the thread, I have also been under suspicion for no other reason than that someone’s father was enjoying having someone to go out with again and spending a bit of his own money on restaurants, concerts and the occasional weekend away rather than sitting at home lonely watching TV.

I am comfortably off, have yet to meet a man better off than me, always pay my own way and yet I still encounter this golddigger nonsense. It puts me off wanting to get involved with anyone who has brought up their children to think like this.

Be sympathetic and point out that you and your daughter have been through a lot together and are too strong to fall out over your BF, don't bring up negatives about her dad at this point, and explain you will be continuing your relationship with BF. Possibly this "blow-out" was just what was needed to make your DD discuss it with you openly and honestly. Good luck.

Dear WW
You sound like a wonderful mother and grandmother and here is a chance for some happiness in this phase of your life. Stay strong, this new guy sounds lovely. They will come round eventually. I wish you every happiness.

You have your own life to live, your grown up children are acting like spoilt two year olds having a tantrum! They both have happy marriages, so why the hell can't you? You deserve happiness, you stay with your BF! Be happy and let your infantile children(,sorry if I sound harsh) sulk, they need to grow up. Enjoy your life with your BF!!

Well I haven't read all the answers to your post, so forgive me if I repeat advice given..but I think up to now you've done wonderfully in the face of such opposition!.. you've been very sensitive to the children's views whilst continuing with your relationship...and I agree totally that you shouldn't give up this lovely man who makes you so happy. Children can be incredibly selfish sometimes and it does no harm for them to realise you are a person in your own right. I'm sure if you slowly and subtly include him in your plans they will have no choice but to accept he will be part of your life for the foreseeable future. I think it's wonderful you've found such happiness and you would always resent your children if you gave him up..thank goodness for the understanding of your DIL and SIL... you GO girl!.. ?

Someone sleeping with their mum is perceived by adult children as different from someone sleeping with their dad - ask divorced parents of ACs - especially by sons.
Keep the peace. Don't have lovely visions of cosy family Christmases together. Hope. Good luck.

Goodness me, WeepingWidow, that must have been a shock about the iPad! I do rather think your Dd was over-reacting to her child about the photo; she could have just said 'Oh, that's just a silly joke someone sent Gran,' or similar. Being economical with the truth has its place.

As for the perfect marriage - well, that's never existed for anyone, surely? If your son really thinks you had the perfect marriage, then he's set himself an impossible target for his own marriage. He and his are wife likely to be disappointments to each other if they expect perfection.

I think I'd say to him that being a perfect father doesn't mean also being a perfect husband. And who wants a perfect parent anyway - how boring would that be!

I really hope your children come to have more understanding of your situation and that you deserve to have happiness outside of them in your life.

Your biggest mistake was to act as if you were doing something wrong. Why all the sneaking around? You behaved as though you did something wrong and you practically asked for 'permission' ......how could you expect a different reaction?

Have you considered that there was never any need to hide your relationship to begin with? You have a right to choose your own friends, partners etc. You are an adult and your personal life is your own...no one else's. If your children are uncomfortable with your new partner, it's because you criminalized him with your own actions.

The less you really care what the children think and the more honest and up front you are about your new relationship, the sooner they'll get used to and get over it!

Maybe the falling out will have a positive outcome, because now all the issues can be discussed.
I have my fingers crossed for you.
Good luck, and remember you've done nothing wrong.

Go for happiness, every time ! Good luck

No, don't dispel their illusions about their father, but equally make it clear that you are happy in this new relationship and you hope they will be happy with you.
Your youngest daughter is being unfair; having been through what she has been through I am surprised that she has so little understanding of your feelings, and needs, and no awareness of what you have done for her.
Do not blame yourself; you have no need to justify your actions.

I wouldn't go down the" justifying yourself " route because you'll only make things worse. Bite the bullet and tell them straight that if they don't like/agree with your new found friendship, then tuff. That'll make them realise that you mean business and that they have their own lives to live so kindly leave you to live yours.

It's not going to change how you feel about your AC's so tell them that. You'll always be a mum to them,regardless.

I too am a widow 18 years now, with 3 grown up sons. Two are married and between them have 5 children. The day I lost one husband I somehow gained 3. Many years down the road and some dates later I still haven't met anyone. I do have 2 very supportive daughters-in-law, who will stand with me if I did meet someone and wanted to go ahead with the relationship. Let the kids get on with their lives and remind them as often as you need to this is entirely your business and you're very happy, so they need to get over it. Lots of kids are narrow-minded when it comes to their needs because it's all about them. Well, you know what they are fully grown adults now and need to like you get a bloody life. Good luck.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Don't give in to the wants of others. This is your life and you must do what makes you happy and have no regrets.

Thank you all for your lovely words. Sorry I haven’t replied sooner I will answer everyone’s questions but I’m reeling from an argument with my youngest about this very thing. This is what I feared.

Last night I collected DGD from school as I do every Monday, and DD cane to collect her at 6. By this point I needed to clean after dinner so let DGD on my iPad - she’s 5 and plays games on it now and again. DD was chatting to me in the kitchen and DGD ran through asking her mum “what does this say?”.

Now my BF (I need to find a new word for him, boyfriend seems too young) is a photographer and he does editing where he overlays words onto pictures like road signs etc, and he’d done a joke one and sent it to me on WhatsApp - it was a road sign that said “This way to excellent shags with [his name]”. Just a silly joke. Well DGD had somehow got onto my pictures and asked what it said. She could only read “this way to” and struggled with the rest

FWIW I had no idea that the picture was even on there. DD informs me that pictures from Whatapp go into your phone pictures, which in turn go on to your iPad if your phone and iPad are linked! I didn’t know this!

DD hit the roof. Said she now has to explain to DGD who BF is, lie about what the words said etc. She said I need to be careful what I have on my iPad. At that point I thought “piss off”. I didn’t say it though. What I did say was that there’s nothing explicit on there and even so it’s MY personal iPad I’ll have what I like on it. She then said BF is “a bit creepy” for sending me stuff like that, and I’m “clearly having some sort of mid life crisis”. So then I hit the roof. Said some things I probably shouldn’t have. DD was 17 when she got pregnant (with a boy who I then had to teach in sixth form, that was fun), the boy and his parents made it clear they wanted nothing to do with the baby and she’s raised her alone (and done a remarkable job). I told her that when she was 17 and scared shitless, me and her dad supported her choice to have DGD fully, never pressured her either way, never said we were disappointed, never judged her etc, then we looked after DD so she could go to the local Uni (well mainly DH did) and then I looked after DGD full time while DD did her teacher training. I said I’ve supported you through everything, with no judgement whatsoever, it’s time you did the same for me.

She left in tears, we’ve text since to make up and she’s said she just finding it hard to adjust to the thought of me with someone who isn’t her dad, and she genuinely never thought I’d find love again because she didn’t think I’d ever be interested in it because she didn’t think that, to me, anyone could compare to DH She’s coming over tonight to discuss further with me, I’m hoping for a bit of a breakthrough. She was barely 20 when’s DH died, it hit her the hardest.

The kids really do think their dad and I had the perfect marriage. DS actually used “perfect marriage like my parents” in his wedding speech (I think he’s annoyed because the same day I met BF). But TBF They obviously have the “good years” fresh in their mind, where DH and I were openly affectionate (much to their disgust at the time). And they were great years, middle age really suited my DH. But the kids didn’t see the years prior to that where I’d cry myself to sleep because he’d been horrible to me all day. Or the hundreds of times I stood freezing and bored at rugby matches so that DH didn’t have to go alone, only for him to never come to the theatre with me because it wasn’t his thing. And they probably don’t remember the fact that DH only took an interest in any of them when they were old enough to dress themselves, wash themselves, be a bit interesting and have conversations - he never mucked in and did the hard work, the sleepless nights or the nappies, despite the fact I always worked I was never a SAHM like my friends. But no matter - DH wasn’t always that bad and there’s little point dwelling but I haven’t forgotten the tough times. I’m unsure about revealing this to the kids - they really put him on a pedestal. When he could be bothered he was a great dad and he was always an exceptional grandfather. That’s how they remember him and I think I’ve got my work cut out for me to convince them that I’m capable of moving on!

Slightly different scenario but my husband died five years ago. Ironically just before he died I had to have my Wedding ring cut off as it was digging into my finger. NEVER been off since we married. I had a couple of quotes to fix it and they were around the hundred pound mark so I never did anything about it.

The first Christmas inside my card from my twenty year old granddaughter was the ring. She had paid to have it mended. This was a lovely gesture but she said please wear it Nan because you must never bring another man here no one will ever replace my granddad!

She has since realised how selfish that was and she even said she was sorry. At the time she didn't realise that life has to move on.

I do think that our adult children don't think of us as normal human beings often with needs. This is why they are so selfish. Sadly there are relationships where it is sheer greed they want their inheritance!!

Wish you every happiness -ENJOY

Your children sound selfish I'm afraid. You have every right to have a relationship after all these years. If their circumstances changed I believe your children would drop you like a hot potato in order to follow their paths, and you would be left alone. You are only 55. Go for it and good luck. I believe your children will come to terms with your new relationship eventually anyway. They are just sulking like small children whose mummy 'is not playing fair'. I wish you a very happy future.

I think your children are selfish and arrogant. Who the h* do they think they are dictating how you live your life. Yes I would tell them to 'stick it ***' it's unbelievable. Are they worried about inheritance? If you remarried for instance? . Sorry I'm so harsh but who on earth do they think they are?

Oh how I can stand in your shoes, except they didn't keep me company and weekends I climbed the walls. So did something about it but my sons now after 12months agreed to meet him and discovered what a nice man he was. Mmm fair play to my bf having the patience to stick with it. My sons father went off with another woman. Double standards. Live your life you are still very young to be alone.

@WeepingWidow

I only wish I had half your family and friends around me that you have - I would jump at the chance to have someone special in my life at the sake of all others -

I'd also think about changing that sorrowful name you have here too -

Don't let your children hold you to ransom you live out your life the way you want to in happiness- Simple -

I feel for you WW. My dad met someone within 6 months of my mother's death and it caused a huge rift with both me and her children too. He sat me down one day and said that he and she were both alone and made each other happy, they would be company for each other in their old age and that it didnt mean he loved my mum any less. He still had his life to live and there was so much he still wanted to do but not alone. Yes, for a while we saw little of him, they were like any new couple totally wrapped up in each other, I found the touching and kissing aspect of their relationship very hard to deal with and they were oblivious to the impact on their respective families. At Christmas she went to her family and he came to us.
Over the years everyone mellowed, they became a couple to all of us, we even met as one big family with her children too. They had 20 years together before sadly dementia meant she had to go into care as my Dad could not cope. Those 20 years were wonderful for them both, they travelled, cruised, took holidays in exotic places for months at a time and were so happy together. I am pleased now looking back that he had those years with his second love.

Your children need time to adjust to this and I think that it might be good to try and speak to each of them alone and try and explain your situation to them and to put their minds at rest. Good Luck

To quote one of my grandchildren, 'You're not the boss of me!'

That seems to be an apt response to your children's reaction, Weepingwidow. They don't get to run your life for you, you sound to be a lovely, caring, thoughtful person and someone who is quite capable of making their own decisions. You deserve a second chance of happiness and should grab it with both hands.

How would your children feel if, god forbid, one of them were to be widowed? Would they eschew all relationships for the rest of their lives? I doubt it! A friend of mine lost her son in law to an awful illness, when her grandchildren were still small. Her daughter later met another man, they married and had a baby together and whilst the sadness will always be there, she now has a happy life. The family of her first husband were delighted for her, because they didn't see why a young woman should be alone for the rest of her life.

Just on the financial side, you can state in your will that you wish your money to go to your children. Even if you got married this still stands. I know as I’ve done it.

Your children are being insensitive to your needs. Of course you are entitled to a new partner, and he sounds amazing. Just keep on seeing him and enjoy every minute. Meanwhile your children can sulk all they like. Eventually they might come round.