To not end this relationship because my children don’t want me in it?

Slightly different scenario but my husband died five years ago. Ironically just before he died I had to have my Wedding ring cut off as it was digging into my finger. NEVER been off since we married. I had a couple of quotes to fix it and they were around the hundred pound mark so I never did anything about it.

The first Christmas inside my card from my twenty year old granddaughter was the ring. She had paid to have it mended. This was a lovely gesture but she said please wear it Nan because you must never bring another man here no one will ever replace my granddad!

She has since realised how selfish that was and she even said she was sorry. At the time she didn't realise that life has to move on.

I do think that our adult children don't think of us as normal human beings often with needs. This is why they are so selfish. Sadly there are relationships where it is sheer greed they want their inheritance!!

Wish you every happiness -ENJOY

Thank you all for your lovely words. Sorry I haven’t replied sooner I will answer everyone’s questions but I’m reeling from an argument with my youngest about this very thing. This is what I feared.

Last night I collected DGD from school as I do every Monday, and DD cane to collect her at 6. By this point I needed to clean after dinner so let DGD on my iPad - she’s 5 and plays games on it now and again. DD was chatting to me in the kitchen and DGD ran through asking her mum “what does this say?”.

Now my BF (I need to find a new word for him, boyfriend seems too young) is a photographer and he does editing where he overlays words onto pictures like road signs etc, and he’d done a joke one and sent it to me on WhatsApp - it was a road sign that said “This way to excellent shags with [his name]”. Just a silly joke. Well DGD had somehow got onto my pictures and asked what it said. She could only read “this way to” and struggled with the rest

FWIW I had no idea that the picture was even on there. DD informs me that pictures from Whatapp go into your phone pictures, which in turn go on to your iPad if your phone and iPad are linked! I didn’t know this!

DD hit the roof. Said she now has to explain to DGD who BF is, lie about what the words said etc. She said I need to be careful what I have on my iPad. At that point I thought “piss off”. I didn’t say it though. What I did say was that there’s nothing explicit on there and even so it’s MY personal iPad I’ll have what I like on it. She then said BF is “a bit creepy” for sending me stuff like that, and I’m “clearly having some sort of mid life crisis”. So then I hit the roof. Said some things I probably shouldn’t have. DD was 17 when she got pregnant (with a boy who I then had to teach in sixth form, that was fun), the boy and his parents made it clear they wanted nothing to do with the baby and she’s raised her alone (and done a remarkable job). I told her that when she was 17 and scared shitless, me and her dad supported her choice to have DGD fully, never pressured her either way, never said we were disappointed, never judged her etc, then we looked after DD so she could go to the local Uni (well mainly DH did) and then I looked after DGD full time while DD did her teacher training. I said I’ve supported you through everything, with no judgement whatsoever, it’s time you did the same for me.

She left in tears, we’ve text since to make up and she’s said she just finding it hard to adjust to the thought of me with someone who isn’t her dad, and she genuinely never thought I’d find love again because she didn’t think I’d ever be interested in it because she didn’t think that, to me, anyone could compare to DH She’s coming over tonight to discuss further with me, I’m hoping for a bit of a breakthrough. She was barely 20 when’s DH died, it hit her the hardest.

The kids really do think their dad and I had the perfect marriage. DS actually used “perfect marriage like my parents” in his wedding speech (I think he’s annoyed because the same day I met BF). But TBF They obviously have the “good years” fresh in their mind, where DH and I were openly affectionate (much to their disgust at the time). And they were great years, middle age really suited my DH. But the kids didn’t see the years prior to that where I’d cry myself to sleep because he’d been horrible to me all day. Or the hundreds of times I stood freezing and bored at rugby matches so that DH didn’t have to go alone, only for him to never come to the theatre with me because it wasn’t his thing. And they probably don’t remember the fact that DH only took an interest in any of them when they were old enough to dress themselves, wash themselves, be a bit interesting and have conversations - he never mucked in and did the hard work, the sleepless nights or the nappies, despite the fact I always worked I was never a SAHM like my friends. But no matter - DH wasn’t always that bad and there’s little point dwelling but I haven’t forgotten the tough times. I’m unsure about revealing this to the kids - they really put him on a pedestal. When he could be bothered he was a great dad and he was always an exceptional grandfather. That’s how they remember him and I think I’ve got my work cut out for me to convince them that I’m capable of moving on!

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Don't give in to the wants of others. This is your life and you must do what makes you happy and have no regrets.

I too am a widow 18 years now, with 3 grown up sons. Two are married and between them have 5 children. The day I lost one husband I somehow gained 3. Many years down the road and some dates later I still haven't met anyone. I do have 2 very supportive daughters-in-law, who will stand with me if I did meet someone and wanted to go ahead with the relationship. Let the kids get on with their lives and remind them as often as you need to this is entirely your business and you're very happy, so they need to get over it. Lots of kids are narrow-minded when it comes to their needs because it's all about them. Well, you know what they are fully grown adults now and need to like you get a bloody life. Good luck.

I wouldn't go down the" justifying yourself " route because you'll only make things worse. Bite the bullet and tell them straight that if they don't like/agree with your new found friendship, then tuff. That'll make them realise that you mean business and that they have their own lives to live so kindly leave you to live yours.

It's not going to change how you feel about your AC's so tell them that. You'll always be a mum to them,regardless.

No, don't dispel their illusions about their father, but equally make it clear that you are happy in this new relationship and you hope they will be happy with you.
Your youngest daughter is being unfair; having been through what she has been through I am surprised that she has so little understanding of your feelings, and needs, and no awareness of what you have done for her.
Do not blame yourself; you have no need to justify your actions.

Go for happiness, every time ! Good luck

Maybe the falling out will have a positive outcome, because now all the issues can be discussed.
I have my fingers crossed for you.
Good luck, and remember you've done nothing wrong.

Your biggest mistake was to act as if you were doing something wrong. Why all the sneaking around? You behaved as though you did something wrong and you practically asked for 'permission' ......how could you expect a different reaction?

Have you considered that there was never any need to hide your relationship to begin with? You have a right to choose your own friends, partners etc. You are an adult and your personal life is your own...no one else's. If your children are uncomfortable with your new partner, it's because you criminalized him with your own actions.

The less you really care what the children think and the more honest and up front you are about your new relationship, the sooner they'll get used to and get over it!

Goodness me, WeepingWidow, that must have been a shock about the iPad! I do rather think your Dd was over-reacting to her child about the photo; she could have just said 'Oh, that's just a silly joke someone sent Gran,' or similar. Being economical with the truth has its place.

As for the perfect marriage - well, that's never existed for anyone, surely? If your son really thinks you had the perfect marriage, then he's set himself an impossible target for his own marriage. He and his are wife likely to be disappointments to each other if they expect perfection.

I think I'd say to him that being a perfect father doesn't mean also being a perfect husband. And who wants a perfect parent anyway - how boring would that be!

I really hope your children come to have more understanding of your situation and that you deserve to have happiness outside of them in your life.

Someone sleeping with their mum is perceived by adult children as different from someone sleeping with their dad - ask divorced parents of ACs - especially by sons.
Keep the peace. Don't have lovely visions of cosy family Christmases together. Hope. Good luck.

Well I haven't read all the answers to your post, so forgive me if I repeat advice given..but I think up to now you've done wonderfully in the face of such opposition!.. you've been very sensitive to the children's views whilst continuing with your relationship...and I agree totally that you shouldn't give up this lovely man who makes you so happy. Children can be incredibly selfish sometimes and it does no harm for them to realise you are a person in your own right. I'm sure if you slowly and subtly include him in your plans they will have no choice but to accept he will be part of your life for the foreseeable future. I think it's wonderful you've found such happiness and you would always resent your children if you gave him up..thank goodness for the understanding of your DIL and SIL... you GO girl!.. ?

You have your own life to live, your grown up children are acting like spoilt two year olds having a tantrum! They both have happy marriages, so why the hell can't you? You deserve happiness, you stay with your BF! Be happy and let your infantile children(,sorry if I sound harsh) sulk, they need to grow up. Enjoy your life with your BF!!

Dear WW
You sound like a wonderful mother and grandmother and here is a chance for some happiness in this phase of your life. Stay strong, this new guy sounds lovely. They will come round eventually. I wish you every happiness.

Be sympathetic and point out that you and your daughter have been through a lot together and are too strong to fall out over your BF, don't bring up negatives about her dad at this point, and explain you will be continuing your relationship with BF. Possibly this "blow-out" was just what was needed to make your DD discuss it with you openly and honestly. Good luck.

One thing adult children seem to overlook is the longer term. If someone’s widowed or divorced father were to fall for me (and me him) and he and I decided to build a life together, statistically I am likely to live longer than him. Down the line I’m likely to be the one caring for him if he should need it. If he remains alone, the responsibility if going to fall to them or care fees eat into their precious inheritance.

This argument that every potential partner is a golddigger is specious. In addition to the experience I recounted on page two of the thread, I have also been under suspicion for no other reason than that someone’s father was enjoying having someone to go out with again and spending a bit of his own money on restaurants, concerts and the occasional weekend away rather than sitting at home lonely watching TV.

I am comfortably off, have yet to meet a man better off than me, always pay my own way and yet I still encounter this golddigger nonsense. It puts me off wanting to get involved with anyone who has brought up their children to think like this.

Ww please don't give up your BF. Your children are being unfair. I know that mine would love me to find a new relationship, not least so that they don't have to worry about me being alone! Stay strong x

Your life, your relationship - they all have their OHs and are happy so why not you? As you say your late DH would have probably found someone else quickly - men seem to - what would they have said to that?

knowing kids they probably think you are too old to want sex! its alright them saying youll never be lonely but their children will grow up and as they get older they may not always want granny around your children may have to move for work reasons etc lots of things can change id go on enjoying yourself and just keep it separate from them a sort of delicious secret

To avoid just this scenario my OH and I have decided not to get married then neither of us can be resented by children believing that the other partner is going to inherit.
We're not saying they would but it is just one thing less for us to worry about.
I think your children are being completely selfish.

I have no personal experience of this situation, but I know quite a few adult children whose parents have remarried or become involved in new relationships after the death of or divorce from the AC’s parent. I don’t know one who is really comfortable or happy with it, and one or two are very hostile to the new partner. It may not be logical, but it is how many feel.

I’m sorry to say, but your adult children are coming across as incredibly selfish. Yes, of course they are grieving the loss of their Father and the loss of what was their family set up with you both, but they need to realise that you have a right to a life of your own- you can’t live in the past, you can’t turn the clock back to how things used to be. This is hard for them, of course it is, but they have to realise you have a right to live your life, not just exist (and most certainly not just exist to suit their needs and fancies). At least your DiL and SiL are supporting you, and I hope, with their help, your children will come to realise how self centred and unrealistic they are being. It sounds as if they are frightened of losing what they have - a childminder on tap and all the other support you are giving them with regards to their children’s education, etc, without any regard whatsoever to what your needs and wants are. You are not being unreasonable in having this relationship, and I wish you every happiness. I just hope that your children become adult enough themselves to wish you the same. I’m afraid they are trying a degree of emotional blackmail to make you give up this loving relationship you are in. You must not let them do it. They have theirs, they must allow you to have yours. I think, from things you have posted already, though, that you already know this to be so. Be strong, and remember, you have every right to be happy. You are still young. You have wants and needs that your adult children just can’t give you. Probably, deep down, they realise this, but don’t wish to accept that their Mum could possibly have sexual and intimate needs!!
Keep strong.

Lifes so short everyone deserves some happiness.
You are entitled to be what you want to be and do what you want to do.
Be happy they will come round to it

Oh how sad for you Weeping Widow: I split up with my 1st hubbie after putting up a with all his affairs (over 10 yrs)- which my three children knew about (at the end) and I got lonely even thought my DD and her BF lived with me. But unlike you when I met someone they were very happy for me.. I guess because he hadn't died. They all get on famously with my new Hubbie.
But even if they hadn't liked it, I would have carried on seeing him as think I deserved another go at happiness - and so do you - it won't help telling them what your marriage was like but I believe you should carry on seeing him - they will come around eventually I'm sure!
We all deserve that second chance at love and companionship..... Good luck!

OP, I WAS that thoughtless childish AC when my mother announced she was seeing a new male friend about 5 years after my dad died. So I understand how your ACs might be feeling, totally unreasonably. The feelings of panic, resentment, renewed grief for the loss of my dad just surged to the fore, and I found it so difficult to be fair and interested in meeting her new man. But I rose above it thankfully and welcomed him to DH’s and my home, managing to be polite and ultra suspicious at the same time! They rushed into marriage far too quickly against my advice, and sadly the marriage failed due to other problems with his own AC...... but I’m glad my mum had a chance of happiness without me or my siblings interfering too much. We realized it was none of our business at all, and just “got over ourselves “!! I wish you the very best, OP, and I bet, given time, your children will see how happy you are and not resent that happiness.