Mothers Day is cancelled

DH and I have 4 DD, all grown up before we met (both widowed previously). His eldest told me she didn't need a stepmother, which I get. All are married, all have little ones, all but one born after our marriage 7 years ago. Two families live a long way off, so we do not see them often, but his youngest is near enough for us to help and we babysit regularly. I would love a Mother's day card from them, but accept that I am not their mother and can never replace her.

I don't know how far away MiL lives, but I'd be tempted to take her out to lunch on his credit card; tell him that you are telling his mum what a wonderful son she has, it was all his idea for him to look after the kids and to pay for a lovely meal for his 2 favourite women

I like this - don’t get mad, get even?

No, you’re not being unreasonable Muffinthemoo. Does he think being married to him is a reward in itself? You do need to sit down and have a long and meaningful discussion with him. I agree with others that you should go out for the day on Sunday. I feel very sad for you.

Cancel MIL flowers immediately, tell him where he gets off. Take the children out on Sunday for a picnic and leave him to his own devices. Remember Fathers Day is the made up one.

Muffinthemoo

Order flowers for yourself at the same time as you order MinL's flowers. You deserve them. Enjoy. Your DH needs to understand you better.

My first husband forgot Mother's Day one year- to be fair he had been working long hours & got home very late. On the Sunday morning the 2 boys- quite small then 2 1/2 &
4 1/2 I think- asked Daddy where Mummy's card & flowers were so they could give them to me as they had been advised was likely to happen at school/pre- school.
They were so upset when he said there was no card or flowers. Actually I was a bit miffed too but for them rather than me.
He had to dash out with them to local supermarket & get a card & flowers while I pretended not to have noticed & stayed in bed!
My point is that - yes- I was bit hurt but the children were beside themselves! I really think he needs to do something for the children's sake.
It's only a flaming card & a bunch of daffs after all. Part of me wonders if he actually has something rather special planned & wants to surprise you but then I am the internal optimist!

Those saying the OP shouldn't order the flowers for her MIL are being petty - it isn't her fault her son is so insensitive. In any event isn't it usually the wife who arranges cards and flowers - I know I always did for my MIL (a truly lovely lady).

Perhaps the OP could tell her DH how hurt she is feeling at his attitude and, if nothing turns up on Mothers Day announce as it is Mothers Day she is treating herself to a day out and leave him to cope with the kids

Muffin, Does he show you in other ways that he loves and appreciates you? Also, does he expect cards/gifts on Fathers’ day and his birthdays? Do you have access to money of your own? If so I would definitely buy yourself a special treat. And even if it meant spending his money I would buy something nice anyway. Good luck

Many years ago, when I asked what was happening 'today' (as it was my birthday), I was told that himself was clearing out the garage. So I took myself off for lunch alone, leaving him at home with DS.
Sadly being a stay-at-home mum is considered as not real work, by men and plenty of women who work full-time. I know I couldn't do it.
I don't know how far away MiL lives, but I'd be tempted to take her out to lunch on his credit card; tell him that you are telling his mum what a wonderful son she has, it was all his idea for him to look after the kids and to pay for a lovely meal for his 2 favourite women.
And please give the twerp a history lesson. Mothering Sunday is as old as the hills. In Victorian times, servants were given the day off to go home and see their mother. Some would walk ten miles or so, to see her, and get back to work.

Oh, I feel so sad for you, muffin. Is this indicative of how he generally treats you. I see you are a SAHM on your DH's request, is it what you want to do? I think I should consider letting your DH know you don't feel appreciated and maybe working outside the home might make a difference. At the moment it seems he sees you as the little wife at home/personal assistant who among other things has no feelings! As ever, communication is key here. Let him know how you feel! I hope you have a lovely day on Sunday

Having 3 kids under 4 is no easy task. I don't know how you would be able to go to work and look after them. It is a full time job and at least your dh seems to realise that and is working long hours so that you can be at home to look after them. Being on your own a lot, however, with no adult company, makes you even more sensitive to his comments.

It is Mothering Sunday when we all show our love, appreciation and respect for our mothers. That doesn't have to involve spending any money. If you went to church usually the children are asked to come up and take some flowers back for their mummy. The children love doing it and most churches don't mind if they make a noise - usually there is a play area. You don't have to be a regular churchgoer. All are welcome.

Some men are just like this, and don't give out compliments, treat their wives etc. Expect nothing but treat yourself, buy your own flowers, chocs etc. Your little ones will grow up loving you and showing it - I have never got much from my partner and former partners, but my kids are the most loving and appreciative people and they will be taking me out on Saturday, and be with their own families on Mothers day. Have patience and it will come good. I would ignore Father's Day too.

Haven’t read all the replies although I imagine they’re similar to mine. I really wouldn’t let this past without telling your husband how upset you are. I wouldn’t have ordered the flowers. I would take myself out for the day on Sunday....and I’d seriously consider how selfish my husband had become and what I felt about that. It’s ok to laugh this off (unless it’s his warped idea of a joke) but it represents something much more fundamental. Express how you feel to him...on all levels.?

What a cheek. If I were you I would take yourself off somewhere nice for the day and treat yourself. Let DH stay at home for a day and look after your beautiful 3 children and then might appreciate what being a full time mum is really about. He should be a good role model to your children in showing them how they can show you they appreciate and love you for all you do for them even it’s little things. Why couldn’t he have gone out and got whatever it was he wanted to give his mum? When your children are older i’m sure then they’ll have their own ideas about what they’d like to do for you - hope you do something really nice for yourself ?

Actually if he is joking then he’s still being unkind and unloving - it’s not a joking matter when she must be knackered every day. It’s an abuse of power

You are not being unreasonable, it sounds like a very unkind thing to say and do. If you are upset and clearly you are, how would you feel about telling him exactly what you’re telling us. Whether or not it is simply a commercial celebration is absolutely immaterial. You are likely worn out with three little ones and an opportunity for you to be shown appreciation for your hard work is not a lot to ask. I wonder if you could possibly spend the day on your own and let him see that being mother for a day on his own is most likely considerably harder than his own employment, whatever that happens to be. Wouldn’t a day in the spa be glorious!

Wow sounds like your guy wants a private secretary. I would tell him yep ordered yours mums flowers and mine off the kids.

So, as stated, not all men are "selfish dorks" just the same as women in that respect.
No, they are not Grandad!

I just hope that muffin's DH is joking and has a surprise up his sleeve

Sounds wonderful Grandad what a lovely man you are. I wish my DH would venture into the kitchen although my son is very much like you.

Well done GD1943, I am sure your family really love you for it!

Men are all different in their ways and personalities, just as women are all different in the same.

In that, I will be cooking lunch on Mothers day for my wife and our three daughters with their families ( eleven in total)

The menu will be prawn cocktails or Pate, Roast Beef and all the trimmings, Apple pie followed by Cheese and Biscuits.

I will ensure that there will be copious amounts of wine served with each course, so Taxies will be required to get them home in the evening.

The above is something I do each year for the family and it always seems to be a great success and thoroughly enjoyed by all.

So, as stated, not all men are "selfish dorks" just the same as women in that respect.

But muffin asked us if she was BU to mind. Of course leaving a marriage can be impossibly difficult but women do it so there is nothing wrong with us expressing our views. She has 3 choices really - 1) just accept that’s who he is and she’ll put up with it because there’s really no option. 2) get someone to look after the children for a few hours and have a good long discussion with him about the mismatch in what they each consider acceptable behaviour and 3) consider if she wants to stay in this marriage. It’s not just about Mothers Day is it? As I asked how does he express his care for her? What are the children learning about a loving relationship between two adults? Is he physically demonstrative with a kiss or a hug. Does he say sometimes, you look really tired can I get you a drink? The children are very young and there’s years of child care ahead - she has to ask herself how to make it OK for her as she is the bedrock for the little ones and has to stay strong.

He doesn't acknowledge Valentine's day, wedding anniversary, my birthday or Christmas for me,...

This is so sad - part of a good relationship is cherishing the other person and a card (at the very least) along with a small gift is a way of saying how loved and important you are. I hope that your DH finds other ways to let you know how important you are.
I agree with your stance on MIL flowers, but I’d have ordered a bouquet to be delivered to yourself too, recognise yourself if he won’t do it for you.

TwiceAsNice, its all very well to sit behind your keyboard and make such statements but the reality of Muffin leaving a marriage where there are 3 young children is more complex.

muffinthemoo are you his wife or his secretary? I hope it's a wind-up and he's got something special planned.