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Worried I have upset my daughter

(77 Posts)
Nanamarch1603 Thu 04-Apr-19 12:21:29

My DD messaged me last night to tell me she has been offered a full time job. She now works part time in an unrewarding but very flexible job which fits in with grandchildren activities (10 and 11). I help most weeks by picking up from school and also look after them in the holidays whenever needed. I phoned her to discuss and we worked through the pros and cons. She would like a more challenging job but that will come with other sacrifices. My husband and I (2nd marriage) have recently returned from holiday after a lovely relaxing time and are seriously thinking of moving to the coast for a change of lifestyle before we are too old. We are both retired. During our chat DD asked me if I could continue helping with the children. I said of course I would help but felt I had to let her know about our thoughts of moving in case it would impact on her decision whether to take the job or not. I have tried to speak to her this morning and text to see how she was as I think she will wrestle with this decision. So far she has not text back or returned my phone call. I am worried now that I have upset her. Looking at other’s posts it seems so easy for us grandparents to be taken for granted when help is wanted but at other times treated as a “non person” who basically keeps putting their foot in it!

Nanamarch1603 Sat 06-Apr-19 09:35:16

Thank you for all your messages and advice. I had a dreadful day yesterday worrying about it all. I did leave things and in the end I received a message from my daughter full of remorse. She is very stressed at the moment with building renovations going on and things got out of hand. Loads of tears were shed but we will be putting it behind us.

Juliet27 Sat 06-Apr-19 09:37:25

HildaW All very sensible observations.

Minerva Sat 06-Apr-19 09:44:11

Thank you Nanamarch for coming back to tell us what happened next. Love conquers all

MamaCaz Sat 06-Apr-19 09:45:36

Thank you for all your messages and advice. I had a dreadful day yesterday worrying about it all. I did leave things and in the end I received a message from my daughter full of remorse. She is very stressed at the moment with building renovations going on and things got out of hand. Loads of tears were shed but we will be putting it behind us.

That's good news flowers

B9exchange Sat 06-Apr-19 09:54:32

Try not to be too upset at the anger, you have given her a huge shock, and to her it feels like you are rejecting her and her children. Everyone says things they don't mean when they are angry. You need to decide quickly whether you are going to go or not, not leave her in limbo.

If you have taken that decision to go, and you are sure it is the right thing for you, then in a few days time you need to sit down with her and say you understand her feelings and that you will miss her and her family terribly, but feel you have to do what you need to with the time you have left. Children never accept that their parents are going to die until it is blatantly obvious!

If you are not going to go, then decide that quickly and tell her you have changed your mind because you realise how much you will miss them.

At 10 and 11, in three year's time they will probably be reluctant to see boring old grandparents, and not need you, so if it was me I would hold off for a couple of years, but only you can decide, just do it quickly! smile

luluaugust Sat 06-Apr-19 10:02:23

I am glad everything seems to be sorted out for the time being, this is just say that I agree with those saying a couple of years will make a big difference, as they become teenagers you won't be needed as much. Do think carefully before dashing off we have had some wonderful holidays but if you see places in the Winter oh the difference!

red1 Sat 06-Apr-19 10:04:46

as a LOVING grandparent my experience is mostly we are taken for granted,Why, that is the big question I feel with no real answer.I gave so much bringing my children up, with an unstable wife, I was both mum and dad effectively.I sacrified my career, gave money to buy house expensive honeymoon etc etc
put yourself first for a change I used to think/feel that love would be returned?! i speak to many grandparents in similar situations.modern society has broken down families in my opinion with its haste and desire to have everything expect caring for each other.

4allweknow Sat 06-Apr-19 10:06:06

Are you to continue with the child care you have been doing? If you are then your daughter can't be all that hurt by your proposal to perhaps move. You have helped out enabling her to take on a job, but because the was a possibility of having one more fulfilling you were again to step up to the plate. Your daughter is selfish, it's okay for her to look for more interest in her life, but not you. She should wait until her children are older. Leave her to fester in her self pity. If any consolation, you are not the first to be in this situation and won't be the last.

crazyH Sat 06-Apr-19 10:12:15

Glad everything has worked out well for the two you, Nanamarch xx

anitamp1 Sat 06-Apr-19 10:16:44

I can understand her being upset, but she is being totally selfish at the moment. Some children seem to think their parents don't need or deserve lives of their own. I don't have GC yet, but expect to have before too long. I will be very very happy to help out with childcare, but DH and i don't want to be full time childminders. We are enjoying our freedom and holidays. I think you have done everything right in informing her of your plans. Hopefully she will calm down and realise she is being unreasonable. People often regret things said in the heat of the moment. Keep lines of communication open, but don't let her browbeat you in to changing your plans. I hope things work out for you.

Alexa Sat 06-Apr-19 10:21:04

Sodapop, I wholly agree with you. My experience is I have felt adrift from any purposeful life for decades and have found purpose not a lot in the lives of my nice relatives or social acquaintances but in home , dogs, some charity work, entertainments such as novels and tv, and superficial academia, and a few interesting part time jobs.

Someone at gransnet wrote about her experience working in the Isle of Wight where she met many lone widows who had retired to that beautiful place with husbands who had died and the widows regretted leaving the towns where their adult children lived. I really cannot see that a place however beautiful can fulfil the basic need to be relevant to others.It's not easy to make real friends or forge a new career in later life. The OP did not say what she and her husband intended to do at the coast.

Pythagorus Sat 06-Apr-19 10:22:26

What is the problem? Your daughter told you of her life plans and you told her if yours. Your life is as important as hers. You are happy to help as far as your life with tour partner allows. Fair enough.

I have a friend who has NO life as she is on permanent call as the nanny/ babysitter for her daughter and husband who are always out and about and on holiday.

Yesterday a group of us girls, including her, had a special lunch in a lovely restaurant, Her daughter knew where she was. But midway through lunch her daughter called ...... could granny pick the kids up ... and leave NOW as she had just managed to get a nail appointment! You won’t believe it, but my friend actually left the lunch and rushed off. We were all speechless. Assertive training necessary!

I wouldn’t chase after her ...... let it rest ..... you have done nothing wrong. She will get over it.

Since I backed off bigtime and got on with my own life my son and I have a much better relationship.

I refuse to be a non person! Only by not hanging on their coat tails and embracing our own lives will make them realise we matter too!

Don’t worry about it, embrace your own life, you matter too! X

Alexa Sat 06-Apr-19 10:25:08

I meant it isn't as easy to make new friends in later life as it was when one was younger and a married lady.

DeeDum Sat 06-Apr-19 10:25:13

Grandparent or not, you should live and do what you want to do! Not be dictated to by others
Your life and happiness is just as important as theirs!!
Snowflake society this is ! Adults still leaning on parents and dictating what they can and can't do, by using emotional blackmail.
Totally ridiculous..

MrsBloxby1 Sat 06-Apr-19 10:26:37

I've just joined this site and already I'm feeling better!!! I genuinely thought it was only me who felt this way. The guilt of not being able to help all the time is horrendous!

Alexa Sat 06-Apr-19 10:30:17

Nanamarch, that's great! You and your daughter seems to be able to share your feelings and exchange ideas really well. All the best to you.

Wobbles Sat 06-Apr-19 10:53:43

I'm so sorry to read your update.
Your daughter is being very disrespectful and hurtful to you.
Were you meant to be looking after your GC during the Easter holidays? She may realise how much she needs you.
Leave her to come to you, oh and start planning some seaside trips.

sodapop Sat 06-Apr-19 10:54:56

Great news Nanamarch I'm so pleased things are resolved well for you.

Jaye53 Sat 06-Apr-19 10:55:11

Oh Greciangirl how awful for you.seems Grans.are taken for granted too much these daysflowers

Wobbles Sat 06-Apr-19 10:55:23

Just read today's update - that's lovely news

maddyone Sat 06-Apr-19 10:58:45

I’m so pleased things have resolved for you, it’s nice to hear good news.

Saggi Sat 06-Apr-19 11:22:57

Dear nana....if my daughter had spoken to me like that, I’d have immediately gone round to her house and slapped her , for the spoilt ,unappreciative woman she’s become.Good luck with that one.

Sussemac Sat 06-Apr-19 11:35:31

Hello, I really feel for you , as am going through something g similar with my daughter at the moment, very upsetting .

GabriellaG54 Sat 06-Apr-19 11:46:41

All these problems...I'm glad I live too far away to 'babysit' or do school runs so I don't get any fallout.
It's not trouble than it's worth.
Being at a distance means that I get on extremely well with my sons and daughters in law. No issues, interference or jealousies.

GabriellaG54 Sat 06-Apr-19 11:48:34

not more