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(33 Posts)
DINNNO Thu 04-Apr-19 23:30:22

Apologies for posting so late, this has been on my mind.

My granddaughter is 14. I recently got informed by her mum (my daughter) that my GD has a new boyfriend, whom just so happens to be four years older than her, 18. According to my daughter, this is my GD's first boyfriend.

The problem I have with this is that they're at different stages of their lives, and I don't think it would work out. I don't see what an 18 year old would want from a 14 year old and struggle to see how he could genuinely be in love with her. Don't get me wrong my GD is a lovely girl however I'm not sure of the intentions of my GD's boyfriend, and obviously don't want my GD to get hurt.

AIBU to feel that a relationship between a 14yo and 18yo isn't appropriate?

crazyH Thu 04-Apr-19 23:44:50

Dinno, I'm an owl, so you're ok - no apologies needed.
I have a 15 year old granddaughter and I don't think she has a boyfriend yet, at lleast, not that I know of. She stays some weekends with me and that's all she does is, go to the town with her friends (day ) , returns by 5. Now, I'm sure the friends she goes to town with include boys. But I don't think there is any one special. Well ..............

Sussexborn Thu 04-Apr-19 23:48:13

Really depends on the 14 year old and 18 year old. Have you met the boyfriend? The problem is that if anyone interferes it will just make him seem more romantic and desirable.

Momof3 Thu 04-Apr-19 23:49:18

As it is I agree with you and if she tried to get birth control the health professionals would have concerns to about the age difference.

Unfortunately though it’s none of your business I assume Mom is taking a watch and see approach and has her fingers crossed that it burns itself out. Hoping that he’ll get bored of not being an adult.

Also I assume Mom is trying to not push her daughter away and into risky situations.

paddyann Fri 05-Apr-19 00:23:18

My daughters first boyfriend was 4 years older than her ,they got engaged when she was 18 and he was 22,split up when she was 21 .She then followed family tradition and married a man who was younger than her ,She was a very mature 14 year old when she met him and he was quite immature for they met in the middle .

paddyann Fri 05-Apr-19 00:24:44

he may not be "in love with her " at that age not all relationships are serious ,not mr right..just mr right now .

gransal Fri 05-Apr-19 00:35:11

PADDYANN ifs he was 18 when she met her first boyfriend how could she meet and marry when she was 14. Have I got it wrong ?

BlueBelle Fri 05-Apr-19 07:10:18

Whatever do you mean ‘in love’ there will be many boyfriends and many ‘ in loves’ She’s 14 and starting out on the road of meeting boys
You ll still be wondering and worrying and she ll already be on her next boyfriend
You shouldn’t be worrying about it because honestly it’s not our business as grandparents who our grandkids are friends or ‘going out’ with unless they tell us or ask our opinion which is HIGHLY unlikely

BlueBelle Fri 05-Apr-19 07:14:51

Gransal Paddyann’s daughter was 14 boyfriend 18 when they met, got engaged when she was 18 and he 22, and split up when she was 21 and he 25 she then went on to marry a different man who was younger than her

Anja Fri 05-Apr-19 07:52:05

So long as both know what’s legal at this age, and act accordingly, what’s the harm?

While I understand a grandmother’s concern it’s up to the parents to talk to both.

glammanana Fri 05-Apr-19 08:17:52

My DGD was 14 when she started being interested in boys and had quite a few of them as friends at that time,there was one special friend who she saw he was 17 and they paired up together,her father had the "don't you even think of it talk " with him and there where no problems.
My DGD is now 17 and has a boyfriend who is 18 they are not serious as both are sensible kids.
Is anything said if the girl was 20 and the boyfriend 24 ?
Just keep an eye on how things are progressing.

yggdrasil Fri 05-Apr-19 08:26:40

I think what glammamamma says is the real sense.

My sister met her first boyfriend when she was 15 and he was 19. They got married when she was 19, and are just coming up to their Golden Wedding. But this is an amazing feat these days:-)

sodapop Fri 05-Apr-19 08:27:24

No Glammananna nothing is said about a 4 year age gap in your twenties. When the girl is only 14 that is a different matter entirely, she is a minor and her parents have a duty of care towards her. We all read about the problems in Rotherham. Whilst I am not in any way suggesting she is being groomed I think Dinno is right to be concerned.
I think the parents need to keep an eye on the situation and make sure their daughter has all the relevant information.

EllanVannin Fri 05-Apr-19 09:53:26

I'd just be mortified !

David1968 Fri 05-Apr-19 10:04:15

I agree with sodapop. Parents need to keep an firm eye on this situation and they certainly need to meet the young man. (Whether the latter has happened yet, isn't clear from OP.) And parents should have the relevant talk with each of them! I've a 14 year old DGD, and I would be anxious for her in this situation, but I also think that preventing the two young seeing each other, might result in problems.

Bibbity Fri 05-Apr-19 10:28:56

IMO you are not being unreasonable. What is wrong with an 18 yo man that he needs a romantic relationship with a 14 yo child.
If I were your DD I’d be contacting him and saying that he isn’t to come near my child unless he wants the relationship logged with the police.

Telly Fri 05-Apr-19 10:55:09

This is surely something that the parents will have to monitor. While as grandparents we may have an opinion, unless asked, it is best to keep it to ourselves.

Scribbles Fri 05-Apr-19 11:34:38

Good grief, Bibbity, I'm glad you weren't my mother! I was 15 when I had my first "serious" boyfriend. He was 23. The relationship lasted a couple of years; we had lots of common interests and a lot of enjoyable times together. We were both treated to parental lectures which we accepted as parents just "doing their job". He was a committed Quaker and (we discussed this frankly) horrified at the idea he might take advantage of a naive younger girl.

Eventually, our lives drifted in different directions, we grew apart and the relationship fizzled out to a natural end. More than half a century on, I still think fondly of that young man and am glad my first foray into romance was with such a lovely person.

People grow and mature at different rates and it is really unfair to dismiss every 18 y.o. with a younger girlfriend as being a predatory male, out for what he can get.

gransal Fri 05-Apr-19 13:32:23

bluebelle thank you. For the life of me I could not get the gist of paddyanns post. Must have been the painkillers kicking in !!!!!!!!!!!

crazyH Fri 05-Apr-19 13:40:42

Paddyann' post Is quite easy to understand.
Rather than me repeat it, read Bluebelle's explanation !!

Bibbity Fri 05-Apr-19 15:34:01

If there is nothing wrong with him then they can stay friends until she becomes an appropriate age. There is no reason for this.

GrandmaMoira Fri 05-Apr-19 16:08:43

A family member had his first girlfriend at 18. Before then he had only been interested in sport and computer games. She was 15 but had had previous boyfriends and the age gap seemed appropriate.

Gonegirl Fri 05-Apr-19 16:19:41

It's very risky. If they got carried away as young people might (think hormones overload) he could find himself on the sex offenders register. Could harm his future career.

My GS at 16 had a 15 year old girlfriend. Although all precautions were taken (both sets parents talking, room doors always kept open) it was a relief when they broke up and he got a girlfriend the same age as him.

paddyann Fri 05-Apr-19 16:35:24

for goodness sake gonegirl wheres the trust? They dont have to be behind closed doors to have sex! Should we keep them on a lead so we can see what they're doing?

Florence64 Fri 05-Apr-19 16:42:02

You are right to be concerned. Unfortunately 14/15 year olds do have sex. I did at 15 and so did my daughter, although I didn't find that out until she got pregnant! It was a horrible time and although I wasn't happy with her having sex at 15 I would have preferred her to have taken precautions rather than got pregnant. For those who think it doesn't happen to them she has at least two friends who got pregnant, had abortions and never told their parents and these are all 'nice' well brought up girls from loving families.