Friends after retirement and move?

Not sure how you can persuade your husband to be sociable. You on the other hand want to get out and about and the only way is to force yourself to join things. I'm widowed and moved/downsized a year ago 500 miles away from my old life to be nearer family. I joined the local choir, the W.I., a weekly art group, volunteer in a hospice charity shop, and have involved myself with the local Church, and help at the local school. With a lady I met at the art group I'm setting up another group....so anything is possible! I have no real 'friends' yet but know lots of people. It'll take time, but go for it. Good luck!

I have always found it easy to make friends and have some long standing ones as well as more recent ones. I am a "joiner" i.e. choir art classes etc. since retiring from teaching at 72. My husband was much less interested, happy in his own company or with fairly fleeting/superficial friendships. So as well as enjoying each others company we often went our separate ways. Four years ago he died. I have been fortunate in having the support and company of the friendships I had nurtured for days out and holidays. So my advice to you is be independent in your friendships and enjoy your husbands company at other times, it seems obvious to me.

This theme comes up time after time. I always read with interest as husband is somewhat anti social. I would like more friends as all my dear friends live miles away. Can’t see it happening as I have some health problems. Always feel low. It goes over his head. But if you can get out just do it. Even if it is just to the garden centre cafe and you just might start talking to someone and who knows......

Im in your age range and my wife dont enjoy my hobbies so I would encourage you to find a dance class not only will you get exercise but meet same nice people

This reminds me of my parents. My dad was a quiet man who liked to potter in the garden after retirement. He still went to church but gradually stopped bowling and other hobbies. Meantime my mum was busy joining the Mothers Union, the WI, and volunteering to help out at any church activities. She liked to meet people, dad didn't. It worked for them.

I'm in the same boat mouse. We moved to a rural village from London seven years ago. We love the village but getting to know people beyond "Hello" and "Good morning" is almost impossible. The local church only opens once a month and the village pub has closed (yet again), not that we are really drinkers anyway. We have a dog, but DH does all the dog-walking because I have health issues which make it difficult for me. He probably knows more local people than I do because of meeting them on dog walks. Our neighbours keep very much to themselves. Sometimes the only person I speak to for weeks is my husband. Both DH and I keep busy and are content with our own company, but it would be nice to have a friend I could share a coffee with occasionally. I also worry about DH if he was left on his own; would he seek the company of other people? Probably not. I hate to think of him being isolated and lonely. When we first moved here we joined some craft classes and clubs which we both enjoyed, but as my health deteriorated it became difficult for me to attend regularly so those events petered out. DH joined a woodworking group on his own but found it very cliquey. I'm not sorry that we moved here but our plans are not going quite the way we envisaged.

Saggi. Good for you

That bit posted itself ! Saggi. I did lose my DH over 10 years ago and then had to make a new life for myself. Several people I know who have ‘stay at home husbands’ seem afraid to find some life for themselves outside the home.,as if they can’t do anything without their OH. Seems a sad waste of life and one day they may be left alone to make a new life somehow.

We moved into a small market town where it seems everyone knows each other from school and I found it hard to make friends, I still veer towards my old friends but the best thing I did was join a singing group although I can’t sing for toffee! It doesn’t matter one jot, we have a laugh and ladies let you know about other things going on. I couldn’t get on with one WI so I’m going to try another one. OH is in the golf club a few miles away so he has his own social life.

My husband is in poor health and not outgoing, so I have made a social life for myself. My local U3A is a good one, but I haven't made particular friends through monthly activities. However, once I joined the weekly canasta group, it was a different story and the other three newbies and I have bonded firmly, cemented by extra card games in our homes. So, weekly activities then, not monthly ones.
It's also possible to make close new friends without going out at all by taking up a language - not necessarily a new one - on the internet. Start with fun, free sites like Duolingo and Busuu, and then find language exchange partners through sites like mylanguageexchange.com. As long as you are making some effort to learn the language you can get away with a lot of English as intelligent and educated people overseas are clamouring for English practice. I have made some great friends through these sites, people who care about me and even love me as a person. Soon, I am going to St Petersburg to stand in as a 'mother of the groom' for a young man with whom I have built a great mother/son relationship. And I have been able to visit a woman academic who gave me the most marvellous introduction to her country. So, just wade in. There are people who need you just as much as you need them.

Mousepotato, search Facebook using your area name, and join all the groups that are related to your neighborhood. If you post on the one that seems liveliest and friendliest (not the ones that just seem to be for sale ads) then you'll get replies telling you about any social outlets in your area as well as possibly one or two offering to meet up for a coffee.

Do sympathise - it's not you. People who have lived in the same place for years probably are as busy as they say. Get involved in something that interests you and get to know more folk and perhaps one or two will take as friends. Good Luck - it's not easy

Men do seem to close in on themselves as they get older and put less and less importance on socializing. So now it’s up to you to sort out a solution for finding new contacts and friendships for your own sanity and stop concerning yourself with searching out couple friendships.

All the suggestions above are excellent starting points but if you are truly committed to doing this it will take a certain amount of courage to step out of your comfort zone and try several. There are some great new friendships waiting out there ....but you have to get working on it! .Good luck.

Are there any Gransnet meet ups in your area? If not why not suggest a meet up at a local cafe/pub/ restaurant. We don't get many people at our meet ups but 3-4 of us meet up every couple of months.

It takes time to get to know people when you move. To me it seems too that it has become harder than it used to be.

I don't know if this is due to our being older, or to the pace life is lived at these days.

My DH is less sociable than I. I doubt you can get yours to take more interest in people, unless his lack of interest is a new thing.

I go to lectures at the local library alone, as DH never wants to come.

Lately, I have been able to get him out of the house more, since we both bought electric powered bikes, mine's a three-wheeler, as I don't feel safe on two wheels any more.

Perhaps you can find a shared interest, otherwise I am afraid you will need to go out on your own.

I know you said DH is a loner but does he have any interest at eg DIY. I am thinking about the Men's Shed organisation. Although I mention DIY some have craft, computing, art, glass art, cooking and women are welcome too. If you have a skill you could contribute may even be a resource for you instead of your DH. Find your own interests letting folk know you do half a DH and you may receive invites as a couple. A lot of men grow into this way of life especially if they are quiet natured.

We moved 2 years ago and I decided to ‘throw myself ‘ into a variety of things. These include a writing group, a reading group, a play reading group, a community choir (I’d never sung before) a retirement association for people who worked for the NHS and the U3a. I now feel more at home and whilst I’ve not got any close friends, there are many people that I know. My husband , when he realised I wasn’t waiting for him, has also joined the U3a and big suprise, he’s taking guitar lessons. He is more of a loner than me but he can choose to stay at home or meet new people. Good luck, I have found other people who are newly retired are pleased to make new friends and I’m sure you will soon be filling your diary with places to go and people to see. One thing I haven’t mentioned, as I became more settled I’ve dropped a couple of the things I started and also our local community college has been a life saver with occasional day courses.

The hermit husband seems to be a common theme. I have one too. DH has never socialised outside the home. I used to envy couples who had couple friends, having dinner with friends or even holidays. DH would happily never go out anywhere ever again.
I have always tried to maintain my own interests and friendships but it's hard enough even without moving when you are a shy introvert.
I've joined a couple of groups. Even after a year of going twice weekly to Pilates, a class of over 50s I only know 2 or 3 to chat to and never outside the class.

Have you told your husband how unhappy you feel? If you feel you have made a mistake in moving so far away, could you perhpas consider moving back to a more quiet suburb of the town? My husband also wanted to move miles away to the countryside and I resisted. He is now very happy in the house we bought a couple of miles up the road in a slightly quieter more leafy area. I would never consider moving away with him as I know we would never make any couples friends! As a very wise woman once said to me, we can’t change a person, only our response in how we deal with the person or situation we find ourselves in. I don’t think you are going to be able to change your husband, so you have to decide what changes you are able to make. There is not much point in dwelling on what has been done, but you do have to do something about your future! You can’t spend the next 20 or 30 years feeling unhappy ?

soda, I have had some good experiences too. I just feel people say join things/volunteer and sometimes its good to pull back a bit.

As has been said many times before on other threads - join a local U3A, plenty of interest groups, an opportunity to learn something new and the chance to meet others and make new friends.

I think my husband was more sociable than me. I came from a big family and all my life have had `noise` from other people, so I valued my time to myself when I retired. Hubbie made the effort and joined a couple of groups ie cycling and carving, he loved both. Carving was new and it is always good to develop a new interest

So it is me who has to make the effort now. I have two choices, either I sit at home and wait to become old or I get myself out and out and tbh crafting is a great way to meet people.

In the old days people went to the same school and barely moved away from the local area for the whole of their lives, it seemed to us that they had lots of friends but really it was a community thing. Very different now, many of us have had to move away with jobs, downsizing and affordability

I don`t want to lay myself open to the popping-in from the old days, meeting away from home is good, then coming home to a cosy nest is good too. It seems that we yearn for someone who knows us well, so we can have unspoken conversations. That, in my case, was my husband. He died and realistically, every couple ends up as one. Like other stages in life, it is all about adapting, trying to be a little self-sufficient when all around everyone seems to be in a couple. For some that seems to start a bit too early and retirement is often the trigger

Perhaps if you're brave enough to join something alone he may realise how much fun it could be and decide it's a good idea to join in instead of being left by himself.
Perhaps a few 'heat it up yourself' dinners could sway him. If he's always been anti-social he's not going to change overnight and probably not at all.
If he's happy ... but life is better shared, isn't it?

I'm the unsociable one here ,my OH has loads of friends and has regular nights out ,pals he meets to work on cars with and charity things he's involved with.When I'm not working..and its only part time or watching GC ,I just want to veg out ,read or potter in the kitchen .
The thought of going out is hell .OH keeps telling me we need to find things for me to do as the plan is retirement later this year,I'm more than capable of doing that IF or WHEN I want .I'm very happy with my life as it is .

Can you take trips back to your home town to visit your friends, 5 hours is not a huge distance, perhaps do airbnb to meet up, or ask them down to visit you. It will give you something to plan and look forward to. Its not likely your husband will change if he likes a quiet life, if he is ok with you joining groups than look for something you enjoy and not to just make friends. Its hard to make a close friend as we get older as most are wrapped up in grandchildren and family. Maybe daytime coffee meet ups for a chat. Make friends with men a well can be refreshing. Do you have a hobby this can be enjoyable and lead to like minded souls. Its hard to do on your own and have hubby by your side would be easier, perhaps talk to him about it or give him the ultimatum that will change him.