DIL not pulling her weight

First, so sorry for your illness and hope you are doing better now.

Secondly, very sorry, also, that dh was bitten by that nasty dog, and hope he's ok.

It sounds as if you have managed to maintain a good relationship with dil all these years if she felt comfortable asking you to host her parents. I'm not sure what she meant when she said that her parents would come back to you already "fed" in the evening. Since she apparently didn't opt to cook, she either expected them to cook for themselves (as they did the first night), hoped ds would cook for them, or expected them to eat out. Or she was just saying that to get you to say yes. Who knows? I'm sorry she told you and her mum two different reasons for not taking that job. I'm sure she had her reasons for each story, but, clearly, one of them wasn't true. Her mum shouldn't have told you that she griped about ds though. It's her mum who was out of line there, imo.

Iv heard of ebf (exclusive breastfeeding - no solid foods, just breastmilk) but not up to 2 years old. As long as gd seems to be healthy, however, that's not up to you. Neither are their sleeping arrangements or whether or not they get enough sleep. It's not fair, imo, that they lay their fatigue issues on you, though, if they're not willing to do anything about them. From now on, I would just say something sympathetic ("Aww) and change the subject.

I agree with others that you should simply not host dil's parents again. Imo, you don't have to make up an excuse, just say no, it doesn't work for you, and stick to your guns. It's very kind of you to care about how dil misses her mum, but they can pay for lodging, surely. And definitely don't let their dogs in your house. They'll know why.

Like others, I hope you're not doing Easter lunch at your house. Better to make reservations and all go out to eat. No fuss, no muss, no work falling all on one or two people, yet you'll still have a good meal and enjoy yourselves. Or just celebrate Easter at home with dh and let them have Easter to themselves with baby. Either way, imo, everyone will be more relaxed.

Take care of yourself...

so you are not going to make yourself even more ill by laying on an Easter meal then?

Grrrrrrrr

Thanks folks. Like many people I struggle to say no, I hate hurting peoples feelings.

However the saying 'don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm' seems like a good philosophy

Don't have her parents to stay another time,

If they come for a short visit, ask them to leave their dog in their car, "Because of what happened last time" If they refuse to do so, put their dog in one room and yours in another.

If you are ill next time they come, take to your bed and leave them with many apologies to look after themselves, if you insist on having them back that is.

There is nothing you can do about your DIL -as your son apparently doesn't consider her useless.

Exactly MOnica op the first time you say no is hard but it will get easier and you will feel so much better.

Also you drawing back a bit might spur them up a bit if you see what I mean.

grammaretto is right, I doubt the child will be allowed to go school with mother in tow so that she can be breast fed regularly.

I would just opt out of the whole thing,,be as lazy as she is, say no to stay-overs, no to providing meals and no to entertaining.

Just say you are too old and too tired and having her family to stay just made clear to you how little you can manage these days without being exhausted.

Anyone who puts up with hosting awful people a second time is a fool.....so make the first time the last one.You were not to know how things would be.

Think of yourself ClareAB You have been ill and need to recuperate. Could you not go out for lunch, you could then leave promptly pleading tiredness.
As for the way the parents are bringing up their daughter, that is for them to decide even if it makes you cross, it would make me annoyed. Don't enter any discussion with them over this now, I presume you have already explained why they are tired etc. Sometimes it's best just to leave people to come to their own realisation.

Honestly op saying no sometimes is really really empowering.

If they moan then tell them your views and if your dh tells you off for preaching then tell him off for moaning.

Stop being so nice and door Matty!

I'm thinking about Easter Sunday and doing a lunch

Don't!

If they invite you to theirs - great.
If they invite themselves to yours, say no. And get DH to back you up.

This is way too much for you OP. You have been very ill ( that must tell you something).

They are taking the p***.

There is no Easter. They do an on line shop and prepare a buffet.

Relax. Time is a great healer. When DGD is 5 she will be weaned surely.
I wish people would say how they feel.
You with a kidney infection. Struggling on when you needed nursing.
Oh dear me!
When I was younger I wanted to do everything, now I am old i have no such ambitions.
I would have got carry-outs. As for the dogs......
Everyone has a breaking point. You are discovering yours.

Don't 'do' Easter!

After your recent experience it's just not worth it. If you have to say you're too ill - do it!

Learn to say 'no' very firmly and ask your husband to tell your son that "Mum's just not up to it at the moment".

Rant here as much as you like. I'm more than happy to read any PM rants if you wish. My sister was very much like your dil and my Mum despaired too.

What did your son do to host his inlaws? Surely he should have been sharing the preparations such as shopping and cooking etc as well.

The breast feeding at 2 years old doesn't bother me in itself. this is a whole other can of worms,
Basically my GD has no bedtime routine, has always slept with mum, is breastfed to sleep. Mum and Dad are suffering lack of sleep and lack of time together. DIL takes GD upstairs to bed around 8.30pm, feeds her to sleep, then stays with her as DIL and my son are scared to leave her in bed on her own in case she falls out.
GD eats practically no actual food as she breast feeds all the time.
My son has been sleeping in the spare room since GD was born.
Both moan constantly about how tired they are, yet do absolutely nothing about it.
It's hard to listen to their constant complaints and watch what seems like a slow motion car crash, feeling totally helpless.
My only issues re the breast feeding is that I worry that my GD is not getting the nutrients she needs from a diet that is mainly breast milk, and it seems like my DIL is using it as a way of getting everyone to wait on her hand and foot.
I let them vent, and give them cake, tea and sympathy. I tend not to offer any advice as the one time I gently suggested a bed time routine my son told me off for preaching. It's a no win situation.

And good for you keeping it from your son. Keep doing that op.

Don’t arrange anything enjoy Easter just you and your dh.

If your dil is still bf a 2 year old, which Is up to her btw, are you kind of feeling that’s annoying you? Not having a pop just thinking maybe it does??

My advice you chill! Don’t host anything chill and step back a bit.

I said yes simply to be supportive, I know my DIL misses her mum dreadfully, and mothers day etc.
It's a difficult situation. As I said in my op I have kept my opinions and feelings to myself for 7 years. I wouldn't dream of telling my son as it would just put him in a conflicted position and make things awkward.
My issue is simply how to manage things going forward. I'm thinking about Easter Sunday and doing a lunch, but the mere thought of all the effort, not just making the lunch, but waiting on them hand and foot until about 8pm, watching my granddaughter getting overtired, my DIL sitting on the couch breast feeding her for hours, trying to stop DH showing how grumpy he's getting, keeping the dog out of DIL's way.
I feel my mojo is at a low ebb, all the joy is sucked away and resentment is taking over. And that's not cool.
I adore my granddaughter and my son. I have to find a way to get over this frustration and anger with my DIL. She's not a horrible person, she's a loving mum. She's just useless at doing anything approaching pulling her weight.

Maybe I'm just at a low ebb post kidney infection. Gah!

All wrong from the start. Do they have access to funds? They should have booked into a Travel Lodge.

Omg!!! The pastry comment cheeky cow!

Op the very best thing I have learned is to say no!! Seriously it’s so empowering just no! I can’t it doesn’t suit!

I have 4 wonderful children and so far 2 dils and grandchildren who I adore and help with but sometimes it’s just no I can’t help or host or have.

Suggest you do that going forward

Once bitten, twice shy. As everyone says, if asked again, just say no.

I would have found a reason to go out on days 2,3,4, saying'I was only expecting you to be at my house first and last thing so we had arranged to visit friends in some place 100 miles away, we will be back about 8.00pm.

Distance yourself mentally from DiL, so that you just roll your eyes heavenward when she starts making things up, rather than get angry about it. When you see her parents, always express surprise if she tells them a different story to the one she told you. Always remind her, 'Oh you told me it was because........ Have things changed?'

Keep a nice distance, let her machinations roll off you like a ducks back and play her at her own game.

You should be close enough with your son to have a conversation about this. In future he can be responsible for rousing her off the couch to prep some meals when they are expecting her parents. His wife, his in-laws.
You were very graceful to host.

Should it come up again, which would seem unlikely, I would have an excuse ready. eg. Illness, going away, being invaded by Martians etc. Apart from that, as has already been said, just chalk this up to experience and say nothing.

she replied' why? pastry is soooo easy, I just chuck it all in a bowl' I could have slapped her...

"Oo you sound like a pro, I would love to try it, will you make it for us tomorrow?"

And for future reference, no need for excuses. To quote MN, "no" is a complete sentance. If pushed add "that won't work for us".

I think I agree with paddyann. Your son’s choice. Don’t cause trouble. No need to Agee to have them again though.