Gransnet forums


DIL not pulling her weight

(36 Posts)
ClareAB Tue 16-Apr-19 17:55:22

My DIL asked if her parents could come and stay with us for a few nights over Mothers day as space is an issue in my son and DIL house. She assured me that it was simply a case of supplying a bed, that they would be out all day returning in the evening fed. Yes, I said, they can bring their dogs if you like...
The week they were due I was below par, with what later turned into a nasty kidney infection. My DIL was aware and reassured me that it would be fine, I wasn't to worry about hosting...
The reality was somewhat different. The first night her parents arrived after a 300 mile journey they went straight to DIL house to discover no dinner and in fact they had to go shopping and cook.
DIL has one child aged 2 and is a stay at home mum.
Days 2,3,4 and 5 my DH and I ended up feeding and hosting DIL parents and on 2 of those days my son, DIL and GD as well. None of them lifted a finger.
One of the DIL parents dogs was awful, it was tiny, loud and aggressive. bit my DH several times and terrorised their other dog and our Labrador who became very stressed. DIL parents seemed amused by this bratty dog and did nothing to stop her. A distressing incident occurred when the bratty dog went for the other dog, who provoked, went for her. He got hit, hard, hid under the coffee table and my DIL shoved him her foot when he was too scared to come out. As dog lovers and owners we found this really distressing.
DIL mother kept criticising my son, which made me cross and there were several occasions where she said things that my DIL had told her that were simply untrue. EG. DIL told her that she'd like to get a part time job in a bar, but my son won't let her. DIL had told me that she couldn't work in a bar or restaurant as she had been told by the doctor she couldn't do a job that meant being on her feet as she has 'weird legs and feet'
I told the mother this who was very surprised..
I am so cross with my DIL right now. She is 37 years old, not so young, and is simply useless. I'm resenting her laziness, her sense of entitlement and her lying.
There is a lot more history over the last 7 years...and I have kept my mouth shut.
But, I'm worried that I am going to lose it with her one day and say things that should stay unsaid.
How do I swallow this anger and get over it?

notanan2 Tue 16-Apr-19 18:04:26

Keep things simple in fiture so there is less scope for annoyance.

You wont change her so just make the type of plans where you wont end up picking up the slack

phoenix Tue 16-Apr-19 18:07:38

They all sound utterly charming. NOT.

maddyone Tue 16-Apr-19 18:20:17

Never agree to host her parents again.

Urmstongran Tue 16-Apr-19 18:21:13

Some people eh?

Poppyred Tue 16-Apr-19 18:24:23

Keep your mouth shut but say NO if there is a next time! She will know why.

Scribbles Tue 16-Apr-19 18:32:09

Not much help, I know, but it's when I read things like the OP that I realise how glad I am that neither OH nor I have any close family so this kind of thing can't happen.

For sure, I would have told DiL what I really think long before now!

crazyH Tue 16-Apr-19 18:34:14

Not worth it Clare - you will lose your son. Bite your tongue ....all the best xx

ClareAB Tue 16-Apr-19 18:43:48

Thanks guys. You're all right. I know there's no magic solution apart from gritted teeth and wine smile
Another highlight was after dinner, homemade quiche, the mother asking
'I'm not being funny, but did you make the pastry or was it shop bought?'
When I said shop bought,
she replied' why? pastry is soooo easy, I just chuck it all in a bowl' I could have slapped her...

paddyann Tue 16-Apr-19 18:51:58

sounds like you dont actually LIKE any of why did you let them stay with you? Maybe ,just maybe she told her mother the truth about the bar job and told you a different story to avoid dropping your son in it!
You should never listen to one side of a story where a marriage is concerned and you should never take sides ....ever.Its their marriage ,their business so keep out of it.Dont have her family if you dont want to and keep your distance if you dont like your sons choice of wife.His loyalty is with her ...not you .

janeayressister Tue 16-Apr-19 18:52:45

I was astonished by the utter entitlement of your awful in laws.
Next time they try and attempt to stay, you and your DH might think of developing a mysterious illness that demands that you have to leave immediately for a warmer climate. Lol
Otherwise you need to practice saying “ NO” What a cheek!!!!

Doodle Tue 16-Apr-19 19:04:58

I think I agree with paddyann. Your son’s choice. Don’t cause trouble. No need to Agee to have them again though.

notanan2 Tue 16-Apr-19 19:15:54

she replied' why? pastry is soooo easy, I just chuck it all in a bowl' I could have slapped her...

"Oo you sound like a pro, I would love to try it, will you make it for us tomorrow?"

And for future reference, no need for excuses. To quote MN, "no" is a complete sentance. If pushed add "that won't work for us".

Telly Tue 16-Apr-19 19:40:27

Should it come up again, which would seem unlikely, I would have an excuse ready. eg. Illness, going away, being invaded by Martians etc. Apart from that, as has already been said, just chalk this up to experience and say nothing.

CanadianGran Tue 16-Apr-19 19:43:19

You should be close enough with your son to have a conversation about this. In future he can be responsible for rousing her off the couch to prep some meals when they are expecting her parents. His wife, his in-laws.
You were very graceful to host.

M0nica Tue 16-Apr-19 19:53:39

Once bitten, twice shy. As everyone says, if asked again, just say no.

I would have found a reason to go out on days 2,3,4, saying'I was only expecting you to be at my house first and last thing so we had arranged to visit friends in some place 100 miles away, we will be back about 8.00pm.

Distance yourself mentally from DiL, so that you just roll your eyes heavenward when she starts making things up, rather than get angry about it. When you see her parents, always express surprise if she tells them a different story to the one she told you. Always remind her, 'Oh you told me it was because........ Have things changed?'

Keep a nice distance, let her machinations roll off you like a ducks back and play her at her own game.

Mycatisahacker Tue 16-Apr-19 20:55:26

Omg!!! The pastry comment cheeky cow!

Op the very best thing I have learned is to say no!! Seriously it’s so empowering just no! I can’t it doesn’t suit!

I have 4 wonderful children and so far 2 dils and grandchildren who I adore and help with but sometimes it’s just no I can’t help or host or have.

Suggest you do that going forward

Lily65 Tue 16-Apr-19 21:21:24

All wrong from the start. Do they have access to funds? They should have booked into a Travel Lodge.

ClareAB Tue 16-Apr-19 21:32:45

I said yes simply to be supportive, I know my DIL misses her mum dreadfully, and mothers day etc.
It's a difficult situation. As I said in my op I have kept my opinions and feelings to myself for 7 years. I wouldn't dream of telling my son as it would just put him in a conflicted position and make things awkward.
My issue is simply how to manage things going forward. I'm thinking about Easter Sunday and doing a lunch, but the mere thought of all the effort, not just making the lunch, but waiting on them hand and foot until about 8pm, watching my granddaughter getting overtired, my DIL sitting on the couch breast feeding her for hours, trying to stop DH showing how grumpy he's getting, keeping the dog out of DIL's way.
I feel my mojo is at a low ebb, all the joy is sucked away and resentment is taking over. And that's not cool.
I adore my granddaughter and my son. I have to find a way to get over this frustration and anger with my DIL. She's not a horrible person, she's a loving mum. She's just useless at doing anything approaching pulling her weight.

Maybe I'm just at a low ebb post kidney infection. Gah!

Mycatisahacker Tue 16-Apr-19 21:51:03

Don’t arrange anything enjoy Easter just you and your dh.

If your dil is still bf a 2 year old, which Is up to her btw, are you kind of feeling that’s annoying you? Not having a pop just thinking maybe it does??

My advice you chill! Don’t host anything chill and step back a bit.

Mycatisahacker Tue 16-Apr-19 21:52:35

And good for you keeping it from your son. Keep doing that op. flowers

ClareAB Tue 16-Apr-19 22:59:23

The breast feeding at 2 years old doesn't bother me in itself. this is a whole other can of worms,
Basically my GD has no bedtime routine, has always slept with mum, is breastfed to sleep. Mum and Dad are suffering lack of sleep and lack of time together. DIL takes GD upstairs to bed around 8.30pm, feeds her to sleep, then stays with her as DIL and my son are scared to leave her in bed on her own in case she falls out.
GD eats practically no actual food as she breast feeds all the time.
My son has been sleeping in the spare room since GD was born.
Both moan constantly about how tired they are, yet do absolutely nothing about it.
It's hard to listen to their constant complaints and watch what seems like a slow motion car crash, feeling totally helpless.
My only issues re the breast feeding is that I worry that my GD is not getting the nutrients she needs from a diet that is mainly breast milk, and it seems like my DIL is using it as a way of getting everyone to wait on her hand and foot.
I let them vent, and give them cake, tea and sympathy. I tend not to offer any advice as the one time I gently suggested a bed time routine my son told me off for preaching. It's a no win situation.

Cold Tue 16-Apr-19 23:32:47

What did your son do to host his inlaws? Surely he should have been sharing the preparations such as shopping and cooking etc as well.

BradfordLass72 Wed 17-Apr-19 00:18:04

Don't 'do' Easter!

After your recent experience it's just not worth it. If you have to say you're too ill - do it!

Learn to say 'no' very firmly and ask your husband to tell your son that "Mum's just not up to it at the moment".

Rant here as much as you like. I'm more than happy to read any PM rants if you wish. My sister was very much like your dil and my Mum despaired too.

Grammaretto Wed 17-Apr-19 05:12:49

Relax. Time is a great healer. When DGD is 5 she will be weaned surely.
I wish people would say how they feel.
You with a kidney infection. Struggling on when you needed nursing.
Oh dear me!
When I was younger I wanted to do everything, now I am old i have no such ambitions.
I would have got carry-outs. As for the dogs......
Everyone has a breaking point. You are discovering yours.