I left my husband after nearly 40 years?

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My ex wanted a 50/50 split even though he only paid one mortgage payment ever and no maintenance for our children over 15 years apart or in fact even when we were together. He had by that time managed to gain half of his new partner's house and had pretty much given up work.

Yes divorce is expensive. £6 000 in my case because he refused to engage. He ended up with a third of the value of the house and the settlement included his legal fees as he was (deliberately ) unemployed. I had carried on working to support the children and had built up some pension. Luckily this was after he had left so the court decided he was not entitled to a share of it.

Your menopause has nothing to do with it - bite the bullet and get rid of him. Don't let him poison the rest of your life. Being lonely won't be a feature once you are really free and can choose what you want to do for yourself. Good luck.

You're actually each responsible for your own solicitors fees. Mine were less than half my ex husbands and mine were 20k. Divorce certainly isn't cheap. The only thing we were arguing over was the house that I owned outright long before meeting him, he wanted half and I didn't want him to have any, he eventually got a quarter.

You are doing the right thing there are times you will be lonely and wonder if you have done the right thing my situation was similar but I got the courage to leave after 27years. I have confidence issues as I was told how stupid I was and made to feel I could only exist with him .However I am happy and feel at peace with myself now 9 years on I feel proud of how far I have come and although I won't ever forget the abuse I won't ever let myself be abused like that again. You should be proud of yourself .

When I sued my husband for divorce the solicitor showed me 2 piles of documents; the tall one was for a couple who were "arguing over who got the plant pots" the smaller one, which represented a couple who were trying to be amicable. You can imagine what the solicitor's fees were for all the letters she was sending out to the warring couple. All costs will come out of the mutual pot, so try to apprise your objectionable husband of this fact. And don't be hard on yourself: you are the good person.

I think you are very brave indeed. I do not think you will regret it. Nothing is more soul destroying than to face retirement and old age with a man like this. Believe me, I know. I cannot think of a reason why you should regret what you have done. You may feel a bit insecure now, but that will wear off and it is not the menopause. How people can feed that sort of thing to middle age women to keep them pinned down I will never know. There is also a male menopause and believe me, you are better off apart if he starts that on top of his very unreasonable behaviour to date.

It would be worth your while to consult a solicitor about a separation and discuss the financial side ASAP before he starts looking elsewhere or taking out a loan on the property. You must get your house in order financially after taking advice.

Very similar circumstances to mine after 40 years of marriage except my husband had another woman. I decided to approach it from my (adult) children's perspective and avoid friction where possible. 7 years on it is all fairly amicable and the children have not had to listen to any of our 'history'. I found the first couple of years difficult mentally but am now very happy and settled. I suggest 'say little but keep a close eye on everything'

Rene72, it sounds as if the upheaval of leaving would be nothing compared to the stress of staying as you are.
I hope you can get out of that situation.

I’ve been married 3 times. 1st H was a drunk. 2nd H had problems which I can’t go into on here. The 3rd one I hoped would be different but it really wasn’t.
I left him after 18 years. During our time together he managed to smash or get rid of all the furniture and belongings I had when we moved in together. I paid the deposit and solicitors fees on the house and put £3,000 into his bank account, which we made joint. He just could not stop spending! Every time we argued he’d throw himself on the floor and grabbing his chest would cry he had pains in his chest. After a while I started to be really horrible and tell him I didn’t care if he was having a heart attack....he stopped doing the throwing about thing after that. He frequently tried to strangle me but that stopped when I fought back and broke his nose!
I should have left him but by then all my family had fallen out with me because of him. My mum told me he wasn’t the right one for me. How I wish I’d listened to her!
He did get a better job and managed to work himself up the ladder and eventually years later and a with beautiful boy, we ended up being quite well off. We still has massive rows but I stopped rising to the bait. He started his own business and persuaded me to open a shop which I didn’t want and hated every minute I was in it!
In his business he started working for just one company who had several contracts, then, I heard a rumour they were struggling, not paying their bills and would be going into liquidation. He said it was all lies and, in the end, admitted they weren’t paying him the full amount every month. Needless to say we went bust, I had to close the shop and declare myself bankrupt. This company owed us £250,000! We lost our home, car and had no money.
He would never listen to me, wouldn’t take any advice! I ended up at the doctors with thought of killing myself, luckily, the receptionist took one look at me and rushed me in to the first doctor available. She really helped me and so I found a small house to rent, my eldest son came with me but our son stayed with his dad along with my stepson whom I brought up. They were literally thrown out by the bailiff!
5 years later we started seeing each other again, he confided that he had prostrate cancer and with all the usual promises, things would be different, better etc. etc.
How I wish I hadn’t fallen for the clap-trap, I now don’t think he had cancer at all because within 2 months he stopped ‘going’ to hospital, saying he was cured. He would never let me go with him to hospital and I never saw him take any medication.
He was taken ill 4 years later and has ended up being disabled and now I feel really trapped. If I want to go out he says ‘I’ll take you’, I’m not allowed the remote, he’s still abusive to me & I live in a house I hate. H & stepson put the mortgage in stepson’s name and if anything happens to H, stepson says the money is all his when the house is sold. That means I won’t get a penny. He pays the mortgage in loo of paying board.
4 years ago he joined the Labour Party, got to be councillor, county councillor & mayor which again shocked me because I had no idea he was so ‘into’ Labour always telling me he was conservative. Whilst some might say so what? but when I think back, he was being what he thought I wanted- to ‘get’ me. His ex told me if I hadn’t had my own house he’d never have left her.
I’m in my 70’s now, finding it hard to cope. The house is a nightmare 3 story, kitchen on the ground floor, living room on the 1st, H is always shouting of me to do this or get that but if he wants anything and I’m not there he gets up and gets it himself. I have to take all his meals upstairs! We don’t ‘live’ together, i am just his lackey & carer.
So the moral of my story is....stay on your own, make new friends, go to yoga, knitting or sewing clubs. Remember, a leopard never changes his spots!

You don't need to get into a tit for tat battle. As already mentioned 2 years and you have the right to divorce him. You are obviously unhappy, the menopause can make you miserable now and again but not to the level you describe.

Lots of good advice here. Please don't go back to him and that dreadful old life. Get yourself a solicitor and go forward to a happy new life.
Please let us know how you get on, especially if you have a wobble. X

As long as you are still legally married your husband could run up debt and you would be legally joint responsible. I would go for divorce. You will likely end up with 50% of joint assets including pensions.

If he was anything like my husband, run for the hills! You have absolutely made the right decision to leave what sounds like an abusive relationship. I'm in the throes of trying to extricate myself from such a relationship after 46 years. Had an epiphany and thought "Why am I living like this?". Get some free legal advice love, and use it.

Unfortunately the new law has not been passed by parliament yet so you are stuck with the current system. I bet you anything that if you find out more about abuse and coercive control you'll see it going back years. My ex was physically abusive as well but when I found out more about abuse I realised that I'd been controlled for many years, it was tough remembering everything but it did a lot of good to recognise it for what it was and that I had not been unreasonable to get upset about some if the things that had happened. The menopause in a way gave me a little poke that actually some of the things that he'd done I didn't want to out up with any more so I started doing some things that I'd not been able to do before cos of the children, and I decided I was not going to be bullied over some things any more. Didn't stop all of it though and there was stuff I didn't realise was stuf I shouldn't put up with, suppose one battle at a time. He left me after 36 years of marriage, didn't manage to get a divorce for another 3 years as he fought it all the way it's taking time to get over it all, the way he treated me led to deep depression, one thing I did was go to the local freedom programme, which is for women of all ages whether or not they are still in an abusive relationship. I went for a couple if years actually, and as time went on I learnt more and more about the effect his behaviour had had on me, and how none of it was me, it was him. I don't plan on finding someone else, but don't rule it out, it will help me if I ever find myself in a situation where I'm considering a relationship. And actually it's helped with other relationships too, I've had ones in and out of work where I've been bullied and if it ever happens again I have more confidence that I could deal with them better. So much if what you write I could have written. He did stay in work though. I bet friends and family wouldn't be surprised if you told them though. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have a free 30 mins with a solicitor, to find out if there is anything you could do that will help and tidy up your paperwork so when you do go ahead it can happen quuckly. As someone said make sure you have a will. Is the house in joint names or as tenants in common, if in joint names if you die your half share if the property will go straight to him, if it's tenants in common you can leave your half to your children not him. I got a solicitor to do it so it was worded so he couldn't contest it. It's not too dear to have a solicitor do it, he'll get notice I just had to say to mine that it protected him as well as me.

www.itv.com/news/2019-04-09/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-new-divorce-laws-explained/

New divorce laws will be before parliament as soon as parliamentary time can be found.

I think you have done the right thing, you have put up with his behaviour for many years he isn’t going to change. Look forward and not back enrich your life by giving yourself things to look forward to, seek out new friends there are many ladies who are in same position as you. My husband and I divorced after 25years together all though it didn’t feel good at the time, with hindsight I now know how it feels to be free of a relationship where one person is always in charge and treats you like a second class citizen who is only there for their bidding with little kindness. I have remarried and now know how it feels to be in an equal marriage where each person respects and loves the other. Hold your head up with pride and create your own new life.

Some very good advice above Seajaye that I couldn't improve on but I wanted to say welcome to GN and that I admire your courage. You sound like a very decent human being who put up with a lot for a very long time.

Please stick up for yourself financially with the good advice above from others who have been through similar to you.

Then I hope you can move on and live your life happily and peacefully. Best wishes for the future

Reading your post, I do not think the menopause has anything to do with your decision to leave your husband and divorce him.

I get the impression that you have being putting up with mental abuse for years. This is just as damaging as physical abuse, if not more so.

I am glad you found the courage to leave and I trust you will be able to live comfortably after the divorce.

In your place I imagine I would feel that no price is too high for peace of mind and that even living on social security would be better than the marriage you describe.

This is my first time of responding to anyone & never posted before Seajaye but your post just made me feel I had to. I was is a very similar position to you after 40years back in 2013 which has prompted me. In brief the advise I was given by my solicitor was everything would be split 50/50. I actually handled the actual divorce myself, only paying a small fee to the solicitor to check my paperwork. However, I did need a solicitor to sort the financial matters because when pensions are involved you require actuaries reports & they only speak to solicitors direct not individuals. However the best advise I received from the solicitor was not to sign the decree absolute until all financial matters were agreed & settled. It meant that although I had the decree nisi fairly quickly after the initial 2 year separation, it was another 15months before I was totally free. I do get lonely sometimes but I’m far happier than I had been for years in an emotionally & physically abusive marriage. Don’t go back, he will have you totally where he wants you! Good luck.

I'm sure you've done the right thing leaving him. Life's too short to stay with someone who puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself.
See a good solicitor and follow their advice. You'll make new friends and enjoy your freedom once things have been sorted out legally.

Sorry to hear you're worried by 2nd thoughts, Seajaye.

The law is changing such that one spouse can't stop the other from getting a divorce, but not sure of timing if when this comes in.

Good luck

Get professional advice re the legal aspect. His behaviour sound like control and coercion. Menopause or not your gut hasn’t changed - go with it!!
You are in my thoughts, it’s a tough time but to have put up with what you have shared here you are, clearly, tougher!

When I split up after a 27 year relationship that had gone badly wrong I found it difficult to be alone at first although it was what I wanted. But it passed. After a while I met a really lovely man (internet dating) and now I couldn’t be happier. Five years have gone by and sometimes I regret not getting out earlier but it all worked out in the end. I hope you will also find joy in life again after such a difficult time. I wish you the very best of luck. Unfair financial loss is very hard to bear but once it is over and done with then life can move on and the compensations can be great.

Sorry, after circumstances I should have said you have to have a reason which you will see if you look up that website - klr solicitors