Fallen out with a friend

Actually when I decided not to go ahead I hadn’t checked in, so I did offer my plane tickets for her husband or daughter. Or another friend if she could get someone at short notice.

She said no.

I don't have a suspicious mind but, having read some other posts on here, I think they have a point. You would be cramping her style if you spent all weekend together and taking her husband or daughter would really put the cat amongst the pigeons in St Mark's Square!

Its no good people saying what they would have done or what she should have done. The fact is her so called friend has let her down and not been entirely honest from the start. Dump her, put it down to experience and find a more honest friend.

You are well out of it. This lady has an agenda that does not include you or her husband!
When I've done business trips I always left on the last possible date and came home on the first. Adding extra days to go off by herself when it would have made a lovely birthday treat does not add up. As others have said - you've been used.

Agree with the most of everyone above. Sadly you have lost a friend but she wasn’t thinking of you when she changed the goals posts

Feels to me like she is using you as a meal ticket, rather than a chill out break together. I don't think friends do that.

As others have said, she seems a very unpleasant and duplicitous person, you are well rid of her.

I don’t think she is being honest with you. She couldn’t have overlooked her husband’s birthday!

I agree Gingergirl

I think the friend had an agenda - no idea why she would ask you to go to Rome with her and then want to be alone to do her own thing. Very suspicious.

Eglatine21,I think you should hold your head up high, in my opinion you are in the right, firstly she changed the arrangements for the Friday. But if also don't understand why she would expect you to do things on your own during the day if she isn't working. Surely it would be so much nicer to spend time sightseeing with a friend to enjoy it with.

I think her partner has his suspicions and made a scene about her being away for his birthday.

I don’t think she is being honest with you. She couldn’t have overlooked her husband’s birthday! Sounds like it just didn’t pan out how she intended. If you don’t want to pay for all the meals (and why should you...it was her that invited you), and don’t want to do the journey and to stay overnight pre flight(nor would I), I would explain to her again how you feel, say you’re also sorry how it’s worked out and hope you can stay as friends, and leave it at that. It really won’t affect her trip that much!Give her a little time and it may blow over. Of course it will affect your friendship, but so be it.

Can’t quite figure out the dynamics here. Did she only realise after inviting you to share the apartment, that a romantic liaison was also going to be in Rome at the same time (possibly a work colleague at the same conference)? If she had known beforehand that he would be there then she would not have wanted you there at all surely? If she only found out after you’d booked it seems a strange way of putting you off because you might actually have bitten the bullet and still agreed to go. Given that you told her you wouldn’t be going, whyever did she get angry? Surely she would have been relieved? I can’t quite get my head around this particular theory unless I’m just being thick. Under any circumstances anyway she is an unpleasant and duplicitous person and I don’t know why you would still want to be friends with her.

Haven’t read all the posts so apologies if this has been mooted already.
Do you think husband was miffed when he heard about all the plans for a girly weekend, so insisted on a birthday celebration and also complained about cost etc. so the friend is obliged to ask OP to pay for a lot of it?

Could well be that the friend is paying for the accommodation for the extra, non work nights but that's not the point. Rather than a few days break with a good friend the goal posts have changed and now she's even saying you should both go your own way during the days and just meet up at night? Seems to me her whole attitude has changed and you're not being unreasonable at all, your friend is!

I totally agree that the friend has been unreasonable to change the Friday travel arrangements, and I don't think I'd be happy to be told that I'd be expected to just go and do my own thing!!

I'm torn on the meal thing. Like others I'd offer to take her out for a meal or two as she's providing the accommodation (even though it's on her expenses!) but it would be on my terms. Having been told I was paying I'd be worried about what her expectations would be - presumably as you wouldn't be together during the day it would just be evening meals but does she expect "The works" plus a lot of booze lot just a good but modest meal??

Seems with hindsight it would have been an idea to discuss how you were going to share joint expenses. How much had you budgeted for a weekend in Rome? As your friend has an apartment you could buy from a local supermarket and make a meal each night. The extra payment for a night is a problem possibly the problem. It seems you were going home by train so I am not sure how if you were driving down to her place to your friends place to stay the night. You were going to take the train back why not get a return, take the very latest train down, and just spend a bit longer in the airport waiting for the early morning flight. OR if not it is light very early now can't you get up early and drive direct to the airport in time for the early morning flight.

I appreciate that your friend has given you a very complex problem by taking away her over night hospitality and insisting you pay for 3 meals.

do hope you can find a way through this that works for you.

Agree with Gillybob, you were being used as a cover. Do something else that weekend.

You are better off without this "friend". She is being totally unreasonable.

Eglantine21 I agree with others, she is not paying for the accommodation, has changed the rules plus will be on her own over there.
I frequently ask good friends to join me for a couple of nights when I am renting a cottage in Yorkshire, I have already paid for the cottage so I don’t ask them for anything.
If they want to treat us both for a nice lunch or evening meal ONCE, that’s great but it’s the friends company I want and that’s lovely enough. They don’t have to pay me anything.

You have been thoughtlessly messed about. You have the courage to call a halt. It may help her learn you are not a fool!

I think you are right and am a bit surprised at the idea you will each do your own thing every day. I have holidays with girlfriends (including Rome) and we rarely go off on our own. Usually if one wants to sunbathe and the other doesn’t.

What a cheeky cow, if she is going away on business the the company would have paid for the accommodation. I’m so sorry you have lost your money but at least you are better off without this conniving bitch.

She is clearly in the wrong but she may not realise the full cost to you.
It might be worth sending her an email just saying that you are sorry that you have fallen out; that you had wanted to go but the cost now is:- then set it out in a clear and businesslike way. That you are sorry that she feels the friendship is compromised but you are unable to make it work given that you have to work on a budget, however much you may want to.
Then I would just leave it and if she does not want to see your point of view, that is up to her.

The betting is that she has a boyfriend who has arranged to be in Rome and you would be an awkward obstacle. So she has deliberately created a situation that she knew would lead to you cancelling. Tell her to drop dead.

I agree that she isn't a true friend and how did she forget her husband's birthday then conveniently mention it after you had booked your plane ticket?

I feel like she tried to trap you especially saying 'You have loads of money' when you are in the process of moving home.

Let her be angry as you have the right to be just as angry. I don't understand how someone can offer you something than once you book change it completely. I must admit something a long these lines happened to me. I was meeting a friend. Now I'm far from mean but she agreed to lunch and when we got there just before we ordered she said, I have no money I'll have to find a card machine to get some cash out! I didn't say very much and then she repeated her sentence like she had rehearsed it. So I offered to pay but of course I was thinking when she agreed to lunch over the phone the day before why didn't she say that would be nice but I'm a bit short of money this month. There fore I would have offered because she has treated me in the past. But the whole point is friends shouldn't mislead each other. This felt a bit conniving to me.

The same with your friend in inviting you she should have told you what she expected from you from the word go. If you are told then you have a choice whether you want to go or not. But telling you after you've booked is asking for a bit of an argument especially enforcing that you will pay for the evening meals and mentioning you can afford it. your friend has stepped over too many boundaries in fact I would say, How dare she!

So, it's her husband's Birthday?! It's just a date for goodness sake - celebrate it the day before or another time!