I am so sorry you are being torn apart by your three girls. I can identify with you. Try and keep strong.
I agree with Gonegirl – you have a lovely name!
It might have a bearing on this predicament.
You like to keep the peace, help everyone, be useful and keep everyone happy.
Of course most of us are similar. But I can’t help thinking this might be why Grammaretto says, “What monsters you make them sound!”
Growing up with such a giving and helpful mother, they have become people who expect to be able to get what they want easily. They may not be used to compromise or give and take or inconvenience or giving way to someone else because their needs are greater. They have got used to bullying you for what they want and they do not respect you. I know from Psychology studies that the authoritative parents who insist (with loving kindness) on certain rules are the ones whom the children respect. The gentle easy-going and kind parents who try to make all the children happy have children who do not respect them or Teachers and people in authority. Sad but true.
As Jaycee5 says about your being in their house “it is convenient to have a child minder on hand. You are letting them bully you.” and most importantly:
“*The current situation cannot be helping your recovery.*” Well said Jaycee5! Please take note of her words!
This is a decision of who takes Priority on getting mum to drive for them,
Make the girls decide between them thus:
Who is the priority?
1The daughter and her children you had initially arranged to pick up
2The daughter whose Mental Health appointment clashes with one week of picking up the above but could possibly ask for it to be changed for one soon.
3The father of the children needing picking up who is available at home but prefers to do chores
4The health and feelings of Granny. Who came to stay because she is recovering from Cancer and has housing needs.
They have to decide.
Then add underneath:
Regarding Granny’s place to stay: I would quote jaylucy
"if your DD says it's a waste of money, quite frankly, it is none of her business!"
Write to them on their ultimatum you are sorry. Not about the dilemma, not about being unable to be in two places at once, but sorry that you have not taught them that life means making compromises, not always getting your own way and sometimes giving in to the needs of others.
Also she (i.e. you) is sorry she did not teach them to respect their elders and realise that their mother knows what she is doing regarding her housing situation and that should she decide to stay somewhere more peaceful it is not their business. She is sorry she did not teach them that or that the term “emotional abuse” does not apply to an inconvenience such as requesting to change a pick-up arrangement for one day for the children.
add eazybee’s words
"Your oldest daughter is ridiculous in describing an alteration to her child-care arrangements as emotional abuse when all she is suffering is a minor inconvenience."
Give this to the girls and tell them to let you know what they would like you to do.
I agree too with eazybee: It may be that the “arrival of your youngest daughter on the scene is already causing family discord; perhaps her siblings have suffered from this in the past”
I have three daughters and my youngest is the strong-willed difficult one. I just have to cope. I try not to be a people-pleaser but they have upset me terribly in the past. I would hate you to be upset any more. Bless you my love, be firm, you are a wonderful mum and granny. They are amazingly lucky to have you. Make them decide between themselves and keep away from their arguments!
With lots of love, Elle