Family discord

"Emotional blackmail" - how ridiculous and what a trivialisation of the very real and serious emotional abuse that some poor people have been subjected to.

It seems to me that it is your eldest daughter who is using your vulnerable position to abuse you. I can see that it may be a little inconvenient for your son in law to step in on this occasion but, given the circumstances, I don't think it is an unreasonable request.

I think your daughter is being very childish and unreasonable. I'm not quite sure how I would deal with such a situation other than to try to calmly stick to my guns without being drawn into an argument - difficult though.

I hope you are soon able to move into your own place so you don't have to be browbeaten in this way.

"I am reminded (by one of them) how lucky I am in be in the children’s lives when other grand parents are not so fortunate!"

And there's the emotional blackmail!

Jenpax, I hope things calm down and your adult children start behaving like "adults.

I also wish you a full recovery, and hope you are soon back in a home of your own, where you can properly take care of yourself.

I feel for you jenpax

What a difficult situation, caused, imo, by an inflexible daughter and son in law.

If SIL is doing household chores they can wait. They must know a medical appointment, once cancelled, can mean a wait of weeks, sometimes months before another date is given.

Oh dear. Is it me, or have we bred a generation of young parents that allow family squabbles if their needs are not met satisfactorily? To my mind, a reasonable couple would be flexible, especially as it's a one-off situation which helps a sibling and especially as Dad is around to sort out children on this occasion.

It's a mountain out of a mole-hill and I do hope your move is in the offing jenpax Your DD does seem to have you over a barrel and practices a bit of emotional blackmail given you are under her roof.

Best wishes. I do hope people come to their senses and bad feeling dissipates

I know it doesn't work like that

thigh? tee tee! stop that and behave yourself! It should say THING.
thank you. apologies again.

I do wish that "GNet had a thigh like other places... YouTube is one, where we can go back to our post and edit mistakes! My eyesight is going too so the little box we write in doesn't help and I didn't see my notes underneath.
sorry to talk about this here.

Much love and best wishes to jenpax. Please put yourself first! x

So sorry! My post ends at the flowers!

I didn't see that I had my notes at the bottom! how stupid am i? I write in Word and copy it onto our page. I didn't realise my notes were still there.....

May I thank people who have followed the thread and kept me informed? I try to follow all of it but occasionally the OP writes again with important information that gets hidden in the page of new posts, or as when I wrote my "list of priorities". I just forgot to put in the fight for 'who has the highest right to have Granny" that it was child-care the DD needed during her appointment. So, Buffybee, many thanks, and you wrote kindly as well and not in an exasperated and accusing style! {smile]

Absent's comments really struck a chord in me: "Sometimes our adult children need a gentle reminder that as well as being Mother, we are also all kinds of other things," etc. I too have suffered from this attitude from the younger gen. who expect me to be as active as I ever was although I am disabled and in pain now. Dear jenpax needs peace and quiet to relax and recover from her serious illness. Her ACs ignore this. I am so sorry jenpax. Your kind reply, telling us how it went made me so very sorry for you. I was deeply moved by the fact that you made your ACs do the honourable thing. I am distressed that "It has left a nasty atmosphere in the family though."

I too, have a strong tendency to be a people pleaser and to do anything to help keep the peace as conflict and anger really upset me. I did go to Assertiveness training and found it really helpful. The other people there were one of the best things about it! I also look up various YouTubes about how to cope with conflict or with manipulative people etc. I watch the ones presented by people qualified as Mental Health workers.
Also, like you, I can identify with the feelings of loss at leaving your job where you had respect, worked with good people and did a worthwhile job. I did some charity work after I retired. It was for a charity that worked on an area in which I am qualified and as it needed responses in writing to letters we received, I could do it even though I am disabled. Maybe when you feel stronger, and please don't do anything too soon, you might enjoy doing some appropriate charity work?

Your last sentence "There are resentments and rivalries which are hard to manage." is so very sad. I would like to humbly suggest you simply leave them to it. They are adults, they need to take responsibility for themselves. It is not good that they create a bad atmosphere, for you or their children. But it is not you, I believe, who should be trying to calm the stormy waters.

I would certainly look at alternative accommodation if that is feasible. As it is just for the interim until you settle in your new house, I hope it would be affordable. The expense would be an investment in your health and well-being.

I pray that you can settle in your own house very soon.

Wishing you peace and happiness, and a long and rewarding future, with love, Elle x





Thank you everyone who replied. Much food for thought.
In the end I did sit with the children so DD could attend her appointment and SIL took the others to the class. It has left a nasty atmosphere in the family though.
I am inclined to be a people pleaser
There are resentments and rivalries which are hard to manage.
I really miss! as I don’t feel respected in the family at the moment.



Absent

Sometimes our adult children need a gentle reminder that as well as being Mother, we are also all kinds of other things,

Buffybee
not giving Dd3 a lift, she's looking after her 3 children so that she can attend an initial non - negotiable CBT appointment.

jenpax
Thank you everyone who replied. Much food for thought.
In the end I did sit with the children so DD could attend her appointment and SIL took the others to the class. It has left a nasty atmosphere in the family though.
I am inclined to be a people pleaser
There are resentments and rivalries which are hard to manage.
I really miss! as I don’t feel respected in the family at the moment.

Thank you everyone who replied. Much food for thought.
In the end I did sit with the children so DD could attend her appointment and SIL took the others to the class. It has left a nasty atmosphere in the family though.
I am inclined to be a people pleaser and have tried to keep everyone happy to the detriment of my own well being,and as several of you have said this has not helped with my own recovery!
I do feel that I need my own place again as soon as possible and that this will ease things for me as I will be able to just go home and lie low when the AC are arguing.
Several of you asked if the arrival of DD3 in town prescipitated rows, and yes it did! There are resentments and rivalries which are hard to manage.
Each of the AC claim that they are looking out for me and trying to stop their siblings from taking advantage but unfortunately none can see their own part in the situation and oft times when I say I can’t help there is at best annoyance and at worst I am reminded (by one of them) how lucky I am in be in the children’s lives when other grand parents are not so fortunate!
I hope very much that things settled down soon.
before I got ill I worked full time in a demanding professional job, and was used to being treated with respect by my colleagues and clients and this is something I really miss! as I don’t feel respected in the family at the moment.

I have said it before and I shall go on repeating it. Quite a lot of the next generation seems to think that, even though they are adults, their mothers have no other role, no other function and no other priority in life than being their mother.

Of course we never stop being mothers but we no longer have responsibility for the day-to-day lives of our children – something that they just assume continues and we end up going along with because we love them (and our grandchildren) and don't want to see family rifts. Mind you, there are some mothers and mothers-in-law who feel that they have a right to interfere constantly in the lives of their grown-up children and grandchildren.

Sometimes our adult children need a gentle reminder that as well as being Mother, we are also all kinds of other things, such as Reader, Crafstperson, Sister, Volunteer, Companion, Friend, Wife, Cook, Neighbour, Invalid, Gardener, Traveller, Lover – in other words an individual adult with desires, needs and, above all, choices. These aspects of life may not have been part of our lives when they were children but have become part since. We don't stop growing, changing, learning and discovering just because we are post-menopausal.

I am in a fortunate position with my daughter who is very sensitive about my needs and concerns. However, she has been a bit inclined to take over my life with caring for her large family since I emigrated to New Zealand six years ago. As she seems to have a plan for world domination, this comes as no surprise. Nevertheless when I have expressed an unwillingness to do something extra or, more recently, have developed a health problem, she has moved at great speed to put other systems in place to relieve any pressure or stress I might be feeling.

I know it's none of my business, but what sort of class is it that can't be missed for one week when someone's health is at risk? Honestly, I would be more than annoyed if one of my three daughters had this attitude towards her sister and put me in a bad situation.

If you are in poor health how are you managing to look after children?
I am shocked knowing this your daughters are making this request of you.
Is it possible to move back into your home until the sale and you find somewhere else to live.
Your family sound very controlling to me without any consideration for your well being.
You shouldn't have all this stress and worry it's not good for your health.
You need to say NO sometimes.

willa, she's not giving Dd3 a lift, she's looking after her 3 children so that she can attend an initial non - negotiable CBT appointment.
She's also told us that she had warned Dd1 and Sil that she could be needed by Dd3 when she received her appointment.
She also tried to get Dd2 to "cover" for her with the transporting of Dgd's to a class but Dd2 couldn't oblige as her daughter happened to be ill.
Most of us have agreed that although jenpax had a prior arrangement with Dd1, under these circumstances, Dd3 should take priority with regard to getting help with her Mental Health.
Dd1's husband will be at home in any case, "doing chores", so he could quite easily take his own daughter to her class.
In my opinion, Dd1 is being an unreasonable brat!

Even if DD3 can change the appointment what kind of message does it send to DD1? That by throwing her toys out of the pram she gets her own way! Also, it must be making poor DD3 feel even worse. Stick to your guns Jenpax

Some observations and suggestions:

You should have consulted with older D first before offering to give younger D a ride. Why? Because once you make an ongoing commitment, older D was counting on you and it wasn't solely up to you to change those plans on your own.

Younger daughter's appointment is not carved out in granite stone. In light of all the difficulty this is creating, an alternative solution would go a long way towards resolving this conflict. Could younger D use an Uber driver, taxi, bus, any other public transport available?

Incidentally, oldest D's generosity towards you doesn't give her a pass to disrespect you.......using the term 'emotionally abusive' was unfair, grossly overblown and inaccurate.

Older D should be more supportive towards her younger sister and stop squabbling....but no matter, the most important thing is for them to sort out their differences like grown ups and without you having to step in.

HurdyGurdy. Yessss! Such a good reply and so helpful, thanks! ⭐️(for you)

sorry - daddy can miss out on chores just for one DAY not week.

GrannyBeek

I can't disagree with you when you say:
"I agree with other posters, you’ve got your priorities right."

I want jenpax to make herself her priority.

Regarding the decision about who gets Granny to drive them I have made a suggestion above.

jenpax does not and should not have to decide.

Her daughters have to talk to each other and decide.

I made a list for them to put in order who takes priority. I should have written it a bit differently but it is in my reply above. The girls and maybe the DH have to decide and let their mother, jenpax know what their decision is. If they do not put jenpax as the person who is their highest priority, jenpax must move out!

Good luck jenpax, Tell the girls it's their decision, they must decide who takes priority (see my list).
Please look after yourself!

P.S. my list of who takes priority:

1. Jenpax
2. Daughter with CBT apt.
3. Children at the class - taken by their daddy who can miss out on chores just for one week!

GoldenAge - Did you not see the post by Jenpax that said "Thanks both, yes my role is watching the children while she goes to the appointment. I have already told her that she will need to have a different appointment time in future weeks and she has agreed, but she was offered this as a *non negotiable* first step and we both felt she should take it. "

It doesn't really matter where you work, and what happens in your practice. In this instance, Jenpax's daughter has no choice but to accept this appointment.

Jenpax - I feel for you, being in this very uncomfortable situation.

But it seems that your oldest daughter (and son in law) are calling all the shots here. They probably feel that because they have taken you into their home, that you are under obligation to them. Plus, they have become comfortably reliant upon you with the childcare you are providing for them.

They don't want you to miss taking their children to one class, they don't want you moving out and renting somewhere until your own property is sold, and now they are accusing you of emotional abuse because you want to help your other daughter. There's a definite imbalance of "power" here.

As has been said above, your youngest daughter's medical needs of course should take priority over your granddaughters' class. If it is vital that they attend, then on this one occasion their father can take them, or their mother could arrange to leave work a little earlier than usual and use a taxi and take them herself.

So to answer your question - no, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable. Your oldest daughter and son-in-law are.

Oh bingo12. What beautiful common sense! I do hope jenpax reduces the stress on herself.

Jenpax you are not being unreasonable. There have been quite a few posts about demanding adult children and it puts me in mind of one occasion - one occasion only - when I failed to provide an activity for a small group of children that I had been doing once a week for years, voluntarily and with few if any thanks. One parent was quite cross even though she hadn't really been inconvenienced. Someone said of her "the ingratitude of someone who has come to expect something". So often we are taken for granted although I hasten to say my DDs always appreciate what I do.

Dear jenpax
I am so sorry you are being torn apart by your three girls. I can identify with you. Try and keep strong.
I agree with Gonegirl – you have a lovely name!
It might have a bearing on this predicament.
You like to keep the peace, help everyone, be useful and keep everyone happy.
Of course most of us are similar. But I can’t help thinking this might be why Grammaretto says, “What monsters you make them sound!”
Growing up with such a giving and helpful mother, they have become people who expect to be able to get what they want easily. They may not be used to compromise or give and take or inconvenience or giving way to someone else because their needs are greater. They have got used to bullying you for what they want and they do not respect you. I know from Psychology studies that the authoritative parents who insist (with loving kindness) on certain rules are the ones whom the children respect. The gentle easy-going and kind parents who try to make all the children happy have children who do not respect them or Teachers and people in authority. Sad but true.

As Jaycee5 says about your being in their house “it is convenient to have a child minder on hand. You are letting them bully you.” and most importantly:
“*The current situation cannot be helping your recovery.*” Well said Jaycee5! Please take note of her words!

This is a decision of who takes Priority on getting mum to drive for them,

Make the girls decide between them thus:
Who is the priority?
1The daughter and her children you had initially arranged to pick up
2The daughter whose Mental Health appointment clashes with one week of picking up the above but could possibly ask for it to be changed for one soon.
3The father of the children needing picking up who is available at home but prefers to do chores
4The health and feelings of Granny. Who came to stay because she is recovering from Cancer and has housing needs.
They have to decide.

Then add underneath:
Regarding Granny’s place to stay: I would quote jaylucy
"if your DD says it's a waste of money, quite frankly, it is none of her business!"
Write to them on their ultimatum you are sorry. Not about the dilemma, not about being unable to be in two places at once, but sorry that you have not taught them that life means making compromises, not always getting your own way and sometimes giving in to the needs of others.
Also she (i.e. you) is sorry she did not teach them to respect their elders and realise that their mother knows what she is doing regarding her housing situation and that should she decide to stay somewhere more peaceful it is not their business. She is sorry she did not teach them that or that the term “emotional abuse” does not apply to an inconvenience such as requesting to change a pick-up arrangement for one day for the children.

add eazybee’s words
"Your oldest daughter is ridiculous in describing an alteration to her child-care arrangements as emotional abuse when all she is suffering is a minor inconvenience."

Give this to the girls and tell them to let you know what they would like you to do.

I agree too with eazybee: It may be that the “arrival of your youngest daughter on the scene is already causing family discord; perhaps her siblings have suffered from this in the past”

I have three daughters and my youngest is the strong-willed difficult one. I just have to cope. I try not to be a people-pleaser but they have upset me terribly in the past. I would hate you to be upset any more. Bless you my love, be firm, you are a wonderful mum and granny. They are amazingly lucky to have you. Make them decide between themselves and keep away from their arguments!
With lots of love, Elle

A CBT appointment is so important, so if this was me, I'd definitely be helping your youngest daughter. I find it unbelievable that they think that sil's chores are more important than someone's mental health. What "chores" is your sil doing, that he can't postpone them to sort his own children out for once. I'm sorry, but they sound thoroughly spoilt and selfish. They may be helping you out, although I'm sure that the arrangement is putting a strain on your recovery, but like others have said, they don't own you. F
or once, do what your heart tells you is the priority here.

OMG....how I sympathise with you Jenpax. All I can say is be assertive. I am sure you have had a lot of sound advice from here. Tell your eldest you cannot do that day and that is it! If she argues tell her it is not up for discussion. Just because you are living with her temporarily does not give her the right to dictate. She should still respect you as her mother - not an unpaid servant!

I think sometimes mother's feel unable to assert themselves as they are frightened of their children taking umbrage and cutting them out of their and GC lives! Some do I know but I would never ever be blackmailed by anybody least of all one of my kids as, personally, I wouldn't actually WANT a relationship with someone who tried to control and blackmail me - no matter who they were.

When you have several children and even more grandchildren you simply HAVE to spread yourself about and there are times when one of them will need you more than another. Please also do remember 'ME' time though as well - that is just as important.

Good luck - let us know how you get on (if it hasn't already happened yet)

I think you should put your youngest daughter’s needs first, this time. One has to be brave to consider CBT and the initial session could cause your daughter some anxiety.
I do hope that the other family members remember to treat you with respect. If I were in your situation, I’d be checking into a nice B&B or looking for a short term let. Good luck for the future!

What monsters you make them sound!
I think you are trying to please everyone but pleasing no one.
How to extricate yourself?
You might have been too sick or disabled to help out at all so remind them of that.
My DF would have suggested you knock their heads together but that's not pc anymore.
Just do what you know you must which is to help out DD3 on this occasion and have the after school class cancelled or deputised.
The change of routine might just wake your DD1 up to the fact that she is holding you hostage - emotionally at least.