Family discord

Really if the children were to miss a class it is not the end of the world, whereas if your youngest misses her appointment that could have serious consequences.

I hope you are able to move out from living with your daughter asap, because she should not be expecting eternal gratitude and servility in return.

GrannyBeek Unfortunately not

I agree with other posters, you’ve got your priorities right. I might have missed something, but are the paternal GPs around to help? I’m one and I do feel sidelined. I’m sure they’d love to help if they can.

Hi all I can’t go home as my house is in another county and I can’t manage the stairs at the moment, hence the move.
Golden girl you have cited exactly the argument of eldest, ie support structure routine etc yes I agree that normally these appointments can be moved but as it took a lot of courage for youngest to seek help and this was the earliest appointment they could offer she was reluctant to cancel. Appointment was at quite short notice but I did warn the family of the appointment and did try to make alternative arrangements for the class with my other daughter who has done the class when I was ill, unfortunately her child was unwell so it didn’t work out. This is a one off as from going forward she will have more flexibility in appointment times

CBT comes first these appointments are so hard to get and the waiting times long . A lot of places offering say the initial CBT is not negotiable or you’ll be put to the bottom of the waiting list . In the circumstances your eldest Daughter is being unreasonable and her husband should cover the childcare as he is at home in this instance .

Buffybee I agree. jenpax I in your situation would be helping your youngest so that she can go to CBT. I don't think it would look good if she were to miss her first appointment. I don't like the attitude of your eldest and quite frankly I being me would tell her so. You're being taken for granted. I think that she should be asking her husband to leave the chores to pick up the children. You can't be in two places at once and to be honest if you were to be ill that day and couldn't oblige either of them what would they do?

You’re in a very difficult position, being damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I would support your youngest on the occasion but she also needs to check with you over timings if she continues with CBT and wants you to go with her, which shouldn’t really be necessary.

I agree with GoldenAge in that it will almost certainly be possible to re-arrange CBT and that, as these appointments come through often at short notice, it will not be a big issue.

It does sound to me that you have already decided what you intend to do. Initially you said you “didn’t agree” that your daughter should re-arrange the appointment (as it was more important than the pick-up) but later you say it’s “non-negotiable”. Although you clearly care for all your daughters, in this instance I think, in the interests of helping the youngest you have overlooked your prior agreement.

If you ask your daughter to choose an appointment time that you know you will be free, you can stick to this in future and provide the help you want to without inconveniencing the family you are living with. I don’t know what extra care you have required from them over your recovery period but they could feel upset that as soon as daughter 3 arrives on the scene, they don’t count.

Moving an appointment is such a little thing. I’m sure it will work out.
Good luck.

"she was very angry and said ... youngest DD should just cancel the appointment or try to rearrange it. "
Selfish. Utterly selfish.

And from your posts, she does seem rather keen to insist on you showing gratitude. It is very difficult to feel grateful when it is insisted upon.

You need to be under NO OBLIGATION to your eldest daughter. Move out ASAP, and point out to them that their expectations of you, that you put their convenience above your other daughter's need is both unreasonable and cruel.

You can tell them all how you are feeling and that you need to avoid stress because of your own health. It is none of their business how you spend your money (regarding renting elsewhere). You do not have to be grateful to them as you looked after them all when children. Do what pleases you and is the least stressful. Tell them YOU find the situation is getting you down and you want out. They can get a baby sitter to pick up children if it is arranged in advance with school.

you are not a paid nanny or slave, but in a difficult situation. It sounds as though you have reached a compromise - hope they appreciate you.

I always have a problem when the term emotional abuse is bandied about. If it was used every time there is a disagreement I would never talk to my family or be married. Sounds like she is PO'd and need to realize how great you are and you are trying your best.

jenpax I would bypass your eldest daughter and tell your Sil that you are unable this week to undertake the drop off/pick up for his daughter, (I presume just her as you mentioned that middle Gd was ill).
Leave the ball in his court. Why should there be so much disruption to everyone else when he could quite easily take over?
Ignore any nastiness from eldest daughter, just tell her that it was unavoidable and you would do the same for her, if she continues bullying, walk away, telling her you've really had enough of all this.
Do not be a doormat

The CBT appointment takes priority. You would have thought that for the class you DD could have found a friend also attending with her children who would drop the children off.

The eldest daughter has no business relying on her mother to take permanent responsibility for ferrying HER children around when the father is lazing around at home.

Op, you are a grandparent helping her out, not her employee who she can dictate terms to. If SIL is at home, why isn’t he lifting a finger?
Lazy sod. They’re his kids too.

I think you need to be more assertive and start making plans to move out because the oldest daughter now has it in her mind that you owe her and you definitely don’t.

Why don't people look at the list of acronyms??

What's a DD?? And DH? And DGD?I don't get these abreviations!

Gah! oh dear! What a tricky bunch of daughters you have. I admire you for keeping your sense of direction in all this. Knock their heads together :D

If seeing to chores means mundane stuff like loading the dishwasher or running the vacuum around, point out that all of that can go on hold!
An initial CBT appointments can't.
Priorities?
Important appointment? Housework chores? Taking care to avoid unnecessary stress?
Or does it boil down to exerting control?

Actually my advice is a little different - I see this from the viewpoint of the oldest daughter because she is relying on you - you are part of the structure that she has put in place to enable her immediate family's life to run smoothly. You have agreed to be part of that support system so unless you have a e-negotiation of that 'contract' you are obligated to continue. As far as your youngest daughter is concerned, she has moved into a situation which she already knows exists, I agree that she does have needs and that your wish to help her which is admirable should be satisfied, but what length of notice has she given you of her request to get you to change your routine? And your older daughter is correct when he says that the appointment can be changed. I work in the counselling field and I know that people who present for this type of support are often all over the place and do themselves cancel, and re-arrange at the drop of a hat. We are used to this. I suggest you talk with your youngest DD and tell her your time availability, promise her something you can honour such as regular slots of time that don't conflict with your commitments to your eldest daughter, and at the same time tell your eldest daughter that you are entering into this arrangement, so that she can't call on you for emergencies during those times. When you downsize your eldest daughter will have to make new arrangements anyway as it may not be convenient for you to do all the school deliveries/collections. This is all about you creating boundaries in the interests of letting each one of your daughters know that you care for them all, but you do of course need time for yourself and while you may choose to think of time with your grandchildren as fulfilling that for you, you will become tired, so try to plug in something more relaxing - a book club, a walking group, etc. Good luck. You love them all, but like most siblings, they are competitive and make judgements about each other that you as mum don't.

Jenpax They don't want you to move out because it is convenient to have a child minder on hand. You are letting them bully you.
Book a place and then tell them that you have to. As gmelon has said, you can live in a house that is being sold even if you have sold most of your furniture. You might be able to move back there now and maybe go into B&B just befoe you move if you would make it easier. The current situation does not work for you. You have been appreciative of the help you have had but their has been no reciprocation for the help you have given. Tell them that you will still take their child to class as long as it is convenient for you. That should encourage them to be a bit more conciliatory and polite.
The current situation cannot be helping your recovery.

Is there a reason not to go back to your own house.
Yes it is being sold but how does that stop you living in it?
The support you are getting for your illness has a very high price and the stress will affect your recovery.
I would just go home.

There is no 'emotional abuse' in this situation, using that term is simply escalating something relatively minor into a major issue. It sounds to me as if the two DDs are gearing up for a fight for your time and attention for their own children. Eldest perhaps is concerned you will give less time to her family once the younger sister is living nearby and wants to stake her claim now, feeling she has the right because you are living with her currently. Your DDs are all adults and you should be able to explain your position to them. They might not like it, but if you put the situation clearly as you see it and then stick to your guns they will have to accept it. You are only trying to do what you see as right and fair.

In this instance the CBT appointment should get priority I think as who knows when she will be able to get another one?
It might be a nuisance to your eldest DG, but she should be supporting her sister, not making life even more difficult - after all, if the appointment had been for yourself, would she still be unhelpful?
Really think that you should enquire as to why it is taking so long for your house sale to go through and if this is not dealt with in the next month, look for rented accommodation - if your DD says it's a waste of money, quite frankly, it is none of her business! To help to get yourself back into the swing of working again, see if there is any voluntary placements available - doesn't have to be working in charity shops, there are also admin voluntary jobs available.

Sometimes people use terms like 'emotional abuse' because they've read it somewhere and then impulsively use it. I did so on one occasion when I thought it might have helped someone - it didn't - and I forever regretted it afterwards.

You've done nothing wrong. You're trying to do the best for everyone. Please don't take this to heart. If you can, just let it be. You're the Mum and the reasonable adult. Sometimes your adult daughters will be re-living sibling rivalries. Let it blow over. You'll soon have your own home and they'll miss you.