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No contact from DIL about DH’s illness

(47 Posts)
Granfran Wed 22-May-19 13:32:34

Feeling more and more upset that my daughter in law has made no effort to contact us about my my husbands illness. DS and DIL plus DGC’s live 5 minutes away. Out of the blue DH has been told he needs to have a pacemaker. We are in shock as there have been no symptoms. For the past few days DIL has posted endless photos on FB of herself and her Mum out and about having meals, theatre visits etc etc. Her Mum has been to stay for 10 days. My gripe is that she has not popped round to see DH or rung him or even sent him a text. We have done so much for them ~ helped them move house twice, always fetching and carrying the DGCs. Her Mum is a bitter divorcee who lives up north and has 2 other GCs close to her. AIBU to feel so upset about DILs behaviour. Disappointed in DS too ~ he is not working this week but no sign of him. Know now we can expect no support from them if we ever need it.

EisforEgg Fri 24-May-19 15:07:16

Do you think this sort of communication is 'women's work'?

If his father was ill I would expect my son to be in touch and not a lot from his wife. With no symptoms and a pacemaker being planned I can understand that you are worried, however, they may think it's all sorted and the operation is actually minor so little to worry about. I hope your husband is ok.

Starlady Sat 25-May-19 01:31:59

First, I'm so sorry about the surprising news that DH needs a pacemaker. I'm inclined to agree w/ other posters, though, that this is probably a precautionary measure, if that's any comfort.

I understand your expecting a greater show of concern from DS and DIL. I'm going to chime in w/ others, however, and say that they probably don't see a pacemaker as a worrisome procedure and don't realize how anxious you two are about it.

As for DIL, I'm another one who's wondering why you seem more upset w/ her than w/ DS (am I reading that wrong?). I was thinking, as Agnurse, said, that she and DS may have a yours/mine policy, so she is leaving it up to him whether to contact DH or not. Or she may just be following his lead, if he doesn't think it's serious enough to show concern, she's not going to either, Or as others have suggested, she may just not want to miss a minute w/ her own mum .... just some possibilities...

Hope all goes well for DH! And that if you let DS know how thrown you and DH were by this new medical situation, he'll show a little sympathy and maybe come for a visit.

Lyndiloo Sat 25-May-19 02:02:36

If I were you I would text your son, saying something like, 'Are you going to come and see your dad?'

Incidentally, how did you tell them of your husband's condition - 'Phone? Text? Email? Is it possible that they didn't get the message?

Very unfeeling of them both, if they did. And I, like you, would be very pissed off by their attitude.

But you sound like a caring family - you and your husband have been good to them, and I can't help thinking that you've all got your wires crossed somehow.

Hope it comes out OK for you. And good luck to you and hubby.

Summerlove Sun 26-May-19 00:59:19

If I were you I would text your son, saying something like, 'Are you going to come and see your dad?'

Please do not text this. Your son is not a child to be scolded. Maybe I’m just contrary, but if this was sent to me, I’d be upset at the implied guilt trip, and being talked down to, and I would not visit.

If anything is sent via text, maybe something about how you’d like to have them over for dinner.

Like everyone else, why the disdain for DIL and not Son?

OutsideDave Sun 26-May-19 02:35:10

Unless your DIL is a cardiologist, and your DS is somehow unable to utilize a telephone, yes, you are being quite unreasonable. Your husband is asymptomatic, and for the most part pacemakers are simple enough devices to put in. You are quite worried, understandably, but it’s doubtful that anyone else is as consumed by this and really the only person you can be disappointed in is your son. If he’s thoughtless and self absorbed...well, you and your husband raised him. Please leave your DIl to enjoy her visit with her....ahem...bitter divorcee mother??

Jane10 Sun 26-May-19 09:53:53

What exactly do you want them to do? Phone? Text? Rush round? What would you want them to say?

Hithere Wed 29-May-19 01:34:32

Why is your dil's responsibility to get in touch with you about your dh's health issues?

It does not matter at all that your dil's mother is visiting. That is not a factor in this situation
It matters even less that she is divorced
The fact that you mention she is a bitter divorcee says more about you than about your dil or her mother.

How is your relationship with your dil? Cordial? Get along?

You have not mentioned your son even once. Has he contacted you? Visited his dad?
Your son dropped the ball. Not your dil.

DancesWithOtters Wed 29-May-19 09:24:01

Why is this an issue with DIL and not DS? Has DS visited or called?

And where does bitching about DILs mother come into it?

JustStoppingBy Tue 25-Jun-19 20:39:09

I will be straightforward in saying you are being unreasonable.

I find it rather cruel that your main complaint is with the person who isn't even your child. Especially since your son is apparently off all week and hasn't said a word, yet your main problem is somehow with his wife who sounds extremely busy? If I was your DIL I might feel like you were out to get me.

In addition, it doesn't sound like your husband is actually ill. And plenty of people have pacemakers, it's not even major surgery. What are you expecting from her exactly?

Really the whole fact that this post is targeting your DIL for no reason is shocking.

Blackbags Mon 08-Jul-19 00:09:49

Your first concern is that your DIL hasn’t messaged you? What about your son?

Couple of unpleasant things written about your DILs family. I think you are unreasonable.

Hetty58 Mon 08-Jul-19 09:47:13

I'd just like to add that sometimes people are worried but don't know what to do. They then do nothing. Maybe your son was concerned but stayed away in case he did and/or said the wrong thing. Maybe you were too focused on the health issue and should have just invited them for lunch or tea as usual.

Bopeep14 Mon 08-Jul-19 11:52:44

You should contact your son not your daughter in law. I am in a similar situation at the moment, if i decide to tell my son it will be him i contact not my daughter in law. Why would you do other wise?

Elegran Mon 08-Jul-19 12:12:03

You don't mention whether you have actually informed your DiL and (particularly) your son about DH having to be fitted with the pacemaker. Your knowledge of your DiL's days seems to be all from Facebook - do you contact them and keep in touch, or wait for them to find out what is happening to you through FB too?

With her mother visiting, it is not surprising that her time if full with going places with her, chatting etc. Maybe she just doesn't know? Even more likely that your son doesn't know, if he is at work each day and coming home to a house full of inlaw talk in the evenings.

Don't make this a reason to fall out with them! Phone and tell them that the operation has been successfully done and you are so pleased that his health will now improve. And DON'T MENTION BITTER INLAWS or you will sound like a bitter mother-in-law yourself. Say instead (sincerely!) that you hope her mother enjoyed her stay.

Norah Tue 09-Jul-19 14:16:14

Why are you putting this on dil?

grandtanteJE65 Tue 09-Jul-19 15:28:44

I do understand why you feel hurt, but it seems your husband's sudden condition came while your DIL's mother was visiting, which may have made it more difficult for your son and his wife to pop in and see you.

Probably they assumed you would ask for help if you needed or wanted it, or they just didn't know what to do.

Don't let your disappointment fester. Get in touch, ask them to come and see you and then mention that you really missed being able to discuss things with them.

Peonyrose Wed 10-Jul-19 07:24:31

Can fully understand you feeling let down, by both of them. I think that dil is posting messages and pictures on Facebook about her family says a lot. The son is no better as he could make a five minute call to his dad. There's no excuse for either of them.
I do hope your husband recovers quickly, in future learn from this.

Peonyrose Wed 10-Jul-19 07:27:12

I should have said, I would not say a word to them, it's not worth falling out over.

SirChenjin Wed 10-Jul-19 11:19:58

I’m sorry to hear about your husband, it must be a hugely worrying time for you both.
I agree with others though who have asked why your ire is being directed at your DIL? Your son is your child and if anyone should be concerned about your DH it’s him. I imagine she’s probably caught up with her own mum, thinks that it’s all under control if he’s having a pacemaker fitted, and is waiting for news of your DH from her husband. Do you see ‘family matters’ as being the responsibility of the women in the family? Or do you think your son would be contacting his MIL if she or her husband/partner (when she was in a relationship) was being fitted with a pacemaker, rather than her daughter? Do you think it would be appropriate for her to be very annoyed if he hadn’t contacted her in such circumstances or would you think that actually, her daughter should have lifted the phone or paid her parents a visit?

Summerlove Thu 11-Jul-19 11:55:56

peony, re putting photos on fb, why should DIL not have done that? She was having a lovely visit with her mother! Should she not share that because her mother in law is mad at her, and hasn’t even told her? She’s not a mind reader.

crazyH Thu 11-Jul-19 16:59:52

Granfran, I can fully understand why you are blaming your d.i.l. If your family dynamics are like mine, the women in the family do all the organising. Your son probably didn't think much of your DH's illness. Men don't. And probably you and your DH didn't make a song and dance about it.
Please allow your d.i.l. to spend some time with her mother, who lives faraway. She has pulled the short straw. Btw, I am a divorce and sometimes my own kids say that I am slighter bitter. I tell them I have a right to be.
Yes, I think you should send a text saying that your DH has had a checkup and Doc says he will need a pacemaker.
Anyway, all the best and hope you feel better.

SirChenjin Thu 11-Jul-19 18:32:53

Please don’t tar all men with the same brush. My FIL was very much in my DHs mind when he was ill and then dying - and that’s the case for many men